Appreciate Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 With regards to what happened during your WS's affair, do you or did you have any deal breakers? Meaning, anything that would R impossible or D immediate?
snappytomcat Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 yes if he was still in contact with the ow,that would be a deal breaker for me,or another A 2
notserene Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Evidence that the affair continued after he agreed to NC. Another affair. A pregnant OW. 3
Red123 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Evidence that the affair continued after he agreed to NC. Another affair. A pregnant OW. These are mine as well. I would walk for sure if those happened regardless of my feelings for my H. 1
Summer Breeze Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 To me the A was the dealbreaker. I'd told my exH that from the start and when I found out he had an A I did just what I always told him I would - packed up my D and left. 1
nightmare01 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 If WW has any contact with OM. If WW behaves in any way that makes me believe she misses OM and that I am her back up plan. Another affair. 4
thummper Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Sexual contact of ANY kind between my wife and another man would be a total deal breaker. There would be no chance at all of any kind of reconciliation.......period! 1
Author Appreciate Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 "What I don't understand is how do they expect their WS to understand what it is a deal breaker for them if the last deal breaker they have crossed it wasn't a deal breaker at the end..." Been there, done that. I suppose you can get really angry about something but in the chaos of it all, the shock of it all, the anger of it all .. (I'm talking about the first two or three weeks after D-Day) .. it doesn't seem real and you are being trickle truthed as well. Meanwhile, you have years and years of history together, children, and up to this point this 'person' had been your loving, trusting companion whom you think went insane, and still is insane. So there's an attempt to 'rescue' that person from within the monster they've become, almost to protect them from themselves, while trying to protect yourself at the same. You don't love them in those moments, you love the person you thought they were, and your mind still thinks they are that person. 4
purplesorrow Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Most BS's would have said that an affair was a deal breaker before it actually happened, many BS's decide to settle for less than they deserve (thus they reconcile). What I don't understand is how do they expect their WS to understand what it is a deal breaker for them if the last deal breaker they have crossed it wasn't a deal breaker at the end... I have seen so often here BS's who have kept reconciling after each new affair that I think some people would eat their own guts before actually confronting the fact that they should move on and look for someone who actually respect them. Change is so difficult and confronting for some people... As a bs, I never stated it would be a deal-breaker. So far it has been. That being said, I don't fault anyone for trying to reconcile. If they have a WS that works hard to change and they decide to give a second chance, I don't think they are settling. No one is perfect. Some people truly do belong together and if a bs has the strength to stay, kudos to them. 4
snappytomcat Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Most BS's would have said that an affair was a deal breaker before it actually happened, many BS's decide to settle for less than they deserve (thus they reconcile). What I don't understand is how do they expect their WS to understand what it is a deal breaker for them if the last deal breaker they have crossed it wasn't a deal breaker at the end... I have seen so often here BS's who have kept reconciling after each new affair that I think some people would eat their own guts before actually confronting the fact that they should move on and look for someone who actually respect them. Change is so difficult and confronting for some people... as a bs we never talked about what would happen if any of us cheated,it wasn't until after he got caught cheating,that we have talked about deal breakers,and just to let you know my husband does respect me 1
underwater2010 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Any further contact with MOW (no matter how harmless..even just a "hi"), showing poor bounderies, changing of passwords/hiding phones and sneaky behavior. I am sure there are more and it goes without saying that any type of affair again and his crap will be packed up and on the doorstep.
yellowmaverick Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 The affair itself was the dealbreaker for me, not so much because of the act(s) but because I had to be honest with myself and admit that he has always been a selfish person and a coward. Deep down, I knew that he was never going to do the work and I knew that I would never trust him again. Additionally, the OW was pretty skanky and I had no desire to ever have sex with anyone who had sex with that. That being said, I still held on to some hope for a few months that maybe he would prove me wrong. I woke up pretty quickly when he was aware that the OW was stalking me and our children and he did nothing to stop it. I still cannot believe that he would allow someone to do that to his child. Bottom line - I don't want to be married to a liar, cheater, and coward, and I hate what he did to our children. Unforgivable.
dichotomy Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I am not entirely clear what the question is it appears you mean at the time of the affair and not post affair? In that case in my case it was an EA and I would have not continued the marriage if it had been PA.... but it was bad enough EA (hurtful and disgraceful and troubling) that I struggled with it anyway at the time. If something new were to happen now - that is complicated to answer, since it has not happened - and frankly might involve consideration of unconventional responses. 1
jnel921 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 The dealbreakers for me would have been if the A was over a long period of time, or if the A resulted in STDs or pregnancy. The continued Dealbreakers would be another A, breaking NC or a change in his behavior for the worst.
Sub Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I was thinking it meant once I discovered the A, what sort of details would have been deal breakers. If my W initiated any sort of contact now, or didn't disclose that the OM had contacted her and I discovered it, both would be deal breakers. 4
BetrayedH Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 After I discovered the affair, I gave my wife three requirements in order to avoid immediate divorce. (1) No lying (2) No contact (3) No cheating. I also reserved the right to add additional requirements - which I did, adding things like transparency and so forth. My wife admitted once to breaking NC. I was angry as hell but eventually let it slide, mostly because it was confessed. Later on I discovered via email that she'd had a two-minute work-related phone call with him (which she didn't disclose). I couldn't get myself to divorce her over it. After about 8 1/2 months, I discovered that the OM had actually been in my home and had sex with her (previously denied during tearful sessions that I now knew everything and that should would never lie to me again). She also confessed to having had a threesome with him and a prostitute. After breaking rules #1 and #2, I had no faith that she would keep #3 and we subsequently divorced. In hindsight, I should have left her after the second breach of NC. Of course, I wasn't exactly in my right mind at the time. Very much like Appreciate described, I mostly wanted to fix my spouse that had apparently lost her fool mind and wanted to keep my family intact throughout the process. All of the wayward's professions of being a changed person don't help you to be decisive about the dealbreakers. But I got there. 2
Arieswoman Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I told my WS when we got married that cheating was a deal-breaker. It seems he wasn't listenening. He cheated and I divorced him to be with his AP. The cheating itself was the deal-breaker but the fact that he used our joint credit card to take her to hotels and brought her to our house to f*** her in our bed only strenghtened my resolve to get him out of my life as quickly as I could. 3
Owl Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 On d-day, my wife's affair was still 'EA-only'. They'd not had a chance to meet to let things go PA. On d-day, he bought her plane tickets to fly out to where he lives so she could meet/stay with him. My first step was to inform her that if she got on that plane...if she knowingly pursued/escalated this to PA level after I knew about the affair...it was a dealbreaker. Had she got on that plane...there would have been no coming back for her. Had that happened before d-day, I can't say for sure what I'd have decided. Once the affair was ended, and she made her choice to stay with me and reconcile, any further contact of any kind whatsoever became (and remains) a dealbreaker. Any subsequent EA/PA with anyone else....dealbreaker. Hope that answers your questions. 3
atreides Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I could give all kinds of reasons for DB, but in the end i do not know how i would react, perhaps harsher or less. One thing is for sure, i have seen enough divorce over infidelity to say that divorcing and staying are equally difficult. You can also be a doormat to your pride and if you deny yourself anything from yielding to it, you are no better off. One thing is for sure and I am 100% certain of, that I never want to be tested 5
No Limit Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 My dealbreaker would be cheating/an affair. Not after the decision to stay together, the very first time it happens. I think if I really, really liked the guy I'd tolerate a single kiss while drunk with a stranger, but nothing beyond that. Fool me once... 2
forbidden_love Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 For me, being I n love with someone else, how do you reconcile that? Ok they may deny it but obviously a LTA say 3 years is love. Sex is nothing in comparison as love changes your head. 1
dragon_fly_7 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 My dealbreaker would be cheating/an affair. Not after the decision to stay together, the very first time it happens. I think if I really, really liked the guy I'd tolerate a single kiss while drunk with a stranger, but nothing beyond that. Fool me once...I pretty much think the same. To be honest, once the cheating happens there really aren't anymore absolute deal-breakers because the BS already made that one extreme deal-breaker (total betrayal) into a rather acceptable flaw/mistake to be forgiven. I don't see what else they can work out but ok whatever suits them. 1
badkarma2013 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 After I outed the Om to his wife and burned his play house down...he came by my office and showed me pics of my wife involved in sexual acts ..doing things she said was vile and disgusting for 22 years. The actual viewing of the pics only sealed the deal for me... I stayed doing the hard 180 to find out as much TRUTH as i could... The affair in and of itself was a DEALBREAKER....The pics only showed me the depths of lies,deceit and betrayal a person can lower themselves to. Again for 22 years i had the Belief that Your wife might do this ...but not MINE. The pics will forever be with me but at that moment i knew in my soul there would be no forgivness or R. They only made the outcome easier...lol right 1
No Limit Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I pretty much think the same. To be honest, once the cheating happens there really aren't anymore absolute deal-breakers because the BS already made that one extreme deal-breaker (total betrayal) into a rather acceptable flaw/mistake to be forgiven. I don't see what else they can work out but ok whatever suits them. Still wary about the kiss while drunk. It'd break my trust in regard of him being out with buddies and beer, and the least I want to spend my time doing is watching my partner every time he gets to a place where alcohol is available. Chances are I'd break up shortly afterwards even if I'd answer his questing for forgiveness with a "Yes" and a faked smile.
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