Heartbroken16 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I've been with my now ex-fiance for almost 10 years (since we were 16). During this time, we broke-up a few times but always got back together (there were three major break-ups that resulted in myself dating other people for awhile). We haven't had a break-up for the last 6 years of our relationship however. I had always thought of the major break-ups as our "trials", and that after overcoming each one, it made us stronger. The last time we did break-up, I decided that I didn't want to be with anyone else and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. 2 years ago, we bought a house together. Last October, he proposed in front of all of his family. We set the date for September 2014. Last month, we got a cat together. 3 days ago, I was notified my job was redundant and I was to be laid off. (with 2 months notice) Yesterday night, he told me he wanted to leave me. I don't have any idea how to cope with this right now. Everything for the wedding has already been planned with a deposit. When I lost my job a few days ago, he said "don't worry, we'll get through this." His reasons for leaving me was that he was sheltered all his life (his parents were pretty well off, and I handle all of the house finances) and he feels too "safe" being with me. And that he needs to leave me because he needs to know what it's like to be independent and make his own mistakes without being sheltered. He says he doesn't know who he is and needs to go out and discover himself and he can't do that with me beside him. My whole world is falling apart right now and I just don't know what to do. I've called into work sick today because I can't stop crying.
eleve82 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Heartbroken16, I'm sorry to hear of your situation.. 10 years is indeed a long time. The sad thing is, I got a similar line from my ex when we broke up after 5 years. I think the problem is probably that the two of you got together very early and he lacks self awareness of his own identity and direction in life to realise that your relationship doesn't have any bearing on his personal independence. In my mind, this is a very big warning signal that he lacks maturity and life experience. All I can say is to give this time - it may take him weeks, months or even years to discover if how he is feeling makes sense. Meanwhile, you MUST move on. In the case of my ex, it has now been 1.5 years since I left him and I had to cut him off cold because he could not make up his mind about whether our relationship made sense despite also telling me he felt "safe" with me, etc. I can tell you that I have gone through the same as you - redundancies and worse, and you will make it through - trust me. Once you do, you will find new courage in facing life - with or without him and whatever outcome happens as a result of leaving him on his own (if he finds his way back to you or not), this will be for the best.
Author Heartbroken16 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 Thank you for your response eleve82. I know I need to accept what has happened and move on. I'm just still in complete disbelief at what has happened. On a different note, he said I could have the house. It still has a mortgage on it and on one hand I want to keep it since we've put so much work into over the last two years. On the other hand, I feel like everything in it may just end up being a constant reminder of the life we had, or could have had together. With a new job, I would be able to "keep afloat" with marginal amounts to put away into savings after paying off all the bills/living expenses. I've also thought about renting portions of the house. What are your thoughts on this?
Jiivy Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I'm in a similar position - she felt as though having been in one relationship all her adult life, she wanted to go out and experience other people and other things. We had 7 years and were due to marry later this year. Again, an engagement ring was bought and subsequently urrm...dropped? With one stroke - I don't want her to be unhappy, if she feels unsatisfied and unfulfilled, I'd never want her to be trapped. With the other stroke, it's an incredibly immature approach to a relationship. It's not a game, it's a life commitment. If you want to change something, talk to your partner about it. Don't play with people's lives like this - a decision made this is never undone. When your partner leaves you, they leave well in the knowledge that you are no longer important to them. That at the very least, they don't have your back anymore....and that hurts me to the core, knowing that I stood up for her, gave her my all. You aren't alone here. One day, I pray that you find someone who stands by you the way you deserve. I really really do.
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