Talk me out of cyber stalking!

[Brutus]

Hello everyone. I may need some support on this. 2 months after the BU, 1 month NC and I am still haunted by questions and doubts about why the person I believed to be the love of my life left me, what changed in her feelings and why, whether there is someone else, and so on. She never explained anything to me, and I just do not manage to find a a sense in such a traumatic event that affected my life so badly and left me devastated for apparently no reason. I feel like knowing what happened would help me to stop asking myself the same questions over and over again.

 

Now the problem is that this is triggering me to do something i know is wrong, namely trying to hack her social network account and find out. I need you guys to talk me out of this temptation and, if you can, to suggest alternative solutions to find inner peace...

[Standard-Fare]

I had a friend who did something like this -- breaking into his ex's email account after a breakup.

 

He came across all sorts of disheartening information. For months before the breakup, the girl had been making fun of him behind his back with her friends, joking about how to let him loose, etc. She'd also cheated on him at one point, which she'd also bragged about with friends.

 

But my friend could do nothing with this information except let it drive him mad. It's not like he could confront the girl and be like, "I illegally broke into your private account and found this."

 

This tactic did NOT bring him closure, it just brought him more anguish.

 

The same thing could easily happen to you. If you get what you're after -- some kind of incriminating information -- you're not going to be able to do a damn thing about it except fester with it.

 

Ignoring all the moral/legal issues here, look at this from a selfish angle: Don't torture yourself like this.

[Brutus]

I had a friend who did something like this -- breaking into his ex's email account after a breakup.

 

He came across all sorts of disheartening information. For months before the breakup, the girl had been making fun of him behind his back with her friends, joking about how to let him loose, etc. She'd also cheated on him at one point, which she'd also bragged about with friends.

 

But my friend could do nothing with this information except let it drive him mad. It's not like he could confront the girl and be like, "I illegally broke into your private account and found this."

 

This tactic did NOT bring him closure, it just brought him more anguish.

 

The same thing could easily happen to you. If you get what you're after -- some kind of incriminating information -- you're not going to be able to do a damn thing about it except fester with it.

 

Ignoring all the moral/legal issues here, look at this from a selfish angle: Don't torture yourself like this.

 

I know but I am already torturing myself right now with all the unanswered questions anyway…

 

 

Besides, I am fairly certain she did not cheat on me and she holds me in great consideration (she would never mock me or something), so I doubt I would run into THAT kind of pain. I just feel I need to understand what her motives were, since she never managed/wanted to explain them to me.

[Virgin26]

I had a friend who did something like this -- breaking into his ex's email account after a breakup.

 

He came across all sorts of disheartening information. For months before the breakup, the girl had been making fun of him behind his back with her friends, joking about how to let him loose, etc. She'd also cheated on him at one point, which she'd also bragged about with friends.

 

But my friend could do nothing with this information except let it drive him mad. It's not like he could confront the girl and be like, "I illegally broke into your private account and found this."

 

This tactic did NOT bring him closure, it just brought him more anguish.

 

The same thing could easily happen to you. If you get what you're after -- some kind of incriminating information -- you're not going to be able to do a damn thing about it except fester with it.

 

Ignoring all the moral/legal issues here, look at this from a selfish angle: Don't torture yourself like this.

 

If I were to find such information about my ex, it would definitely help me move on. I would just see them for what they really are, feel angry, learn my lesson, and move on with my life.

 

Sadly, my ex is playing victim in this whole breakup. He lost his job and then broke up with me because he "didn't feel like a man", and "wanted to focus on solving his problems", etc.

 

I am going through the same crap of wanting to hack his account to get to the bottom of this.

[Virgin26]

Hello everyone. I may need some support on this. 2 months after the BU, 1 month NC and I am still haunted by questions and doubts about why the person I believed to be the love of my life left me, what changed in her feelings and why, whether there is someone else, and so on. She never explained anything to me, and I just do not manage to find a a sense in such a traumatic event that affected my life so badly and left me devastated for apparently no reason. I feel like knowing what happened would help me to stop asking myself the same questions over and over again.

 

Now the problem is that this is triggering me to do something i know is wrong, namely trying to hack her social network account and find out. I need you guys to talk me out of this temptation and, if you can, to suggest alternative solutions to find inner peace...

 

 

hey, I know what you're going through. I've been there and I think I'm still there haha There three things that actually helped a lot:

 

1. Block yourself from their website, facebook, linkedin, twitter, etc. How do you do that? install a plugin called "siteblock" and put all links, emails, keywords in. Then get a friend or family member to set the password. You won't be able to access anything related to your ex on the internet no matter how hard you try. Sounds pathetic, but it works like a charm.

 

2. make yourself crazy busy. As in you'd be exhausted by the end of each and every day. You'll think of your ex a lot less. Again, works like a charm.

 

3. Remove any physical evidence of their existence from your life. Banish her as if she never existed. deleted photos, throw away any gifts, etc. It's the hardest thing to do, but it helps a lot.

 

 

I am not going to lie to you and tell you I don't have crazy ideas about hacking into his account. But I have such ideas a lot less than before, so I guess the three steps are working.

 

Good luck.

[Standard-Fare]

My story wasn't meant to encourage anyone to cyber-stalk. It's really a terrible idea that will only cause you pain. And it might actually get you in some serious trouble and/or permanently sever any chance of positivity with your ex.

 

OP, if you're still aching for answers and closure you would need to get that directly from your ex. I don't advise that, because it would be a major step back from the progress you're making with NC, and you probably won't get the type of explanation you're looking for. But you seem determined to take some action.

 

If you do contact your ex, don't show much emotion -- don't get angry, don't beg, don't express interest in getting back together. Just tell her you're having trouble finding closure on the relationship, since the breakup came out of nowhere from your end. And ask her if she can be straight with you about the reasons why it happened.

 

Again, I don't really suggest that, but it's better than breaking into her accounts.

[Brutus]

Thanks. Unfortunately, the reason why this sick idea keeps tempting me is that the strategy you suggested (face-to-face interaction) did not work. She said she did not know, that was tired of distance (obviously an excuse), that she wanted to be alone, and other classic cover up excuses. It hurts me how little role she let me play in all this...

[Elle1975]

Thanks. Unfortunately, the reason why this sick idea keeps tempting me is that the strategy you suggested (face-to-face interaction) did not work. She said she did not know, that was tired of distance (obviously an excuse), that she wanted to be alone, and other classic cover up excuses. It hurts me how little role she let me play in all this...

 

Not sure if being tired of the distance really is just an excuse. Might be the only valid reason in her bag of bs reasons. I don't do LDR. I tried that, I don't want to anymore.

 

Don't look into her account. It's just crazy talking here. You need to step back and think about the kind of person you want to be. It's not something I'd advocate telling a new love "hey my name is John, btw I broke into my ex's account". It spells "run away from psycho" right there. So you'd have to keep this info for yourself; is it really something you want to carry around? Or would you rather have a "clean record".

 

Right before my break up I could tell something was wrong. I am still not sure he hadn't meet someone else, even though he said no (people lie). I was tempted to go through his phone. I am SO GLAD I didn't.

[Standard-Fare]

I have to say also that doing creepy stuff like this (breaking into accounts) not only completely violates the other person's privacy but also messes up your OWN sense of trust.

 

Because if you know you are capable of doing this type of thing, you're always going to have that suspicion that other people are just as dark and depraved as you and would do exactly the same thing.

 

But really, it isn't true -- although almost everyone can relate to/sympathize with this urge, the majority wouldn't go through with it.

 

It's a slippery line to cross that puts you into the "zero integrity" zone.

[Summerrose2013]

Dont do it. people say stuff to their friends they do'nt mean anyway and would never say to their OH. I'm guilty of this. I slagged him off to my friends even as my heart cried out for him to take me back because i loved him so much.

 

I did hack into an exes PC once to find out he was cheating on me - definitely allowed...

[InnocentMan]

99% of the time, they have simply met someone else. You can search for confirmation if it makes you feel any better. It probably won't. It's often better to not know all the gory details, as in time, your imagination will create a plausible set of circumstances that will be acceptable to you. This is often much better than the reality.

 

Most of my ex's eventually realised they couldn't live without me, and became crack whores as a way of dealing with the pain.

 

The only time the hacking of accounts is acceptable, is if someone is stringing you along, and you strongly suspect something. She isn't doing this, so it would be just wrong, and indeed bad for your state of health to consider doing it.

[Natsume21]

Hello everyone. I may need some support on this. 2 months after the BU, 1 month NC and I am still haunted by questions and doubts about why the person I believed to be the love of my life left me, what changed in her feelings and why, whether there is someone else, and so on. She never explained anything to me, and I just do not manage to find a a sense in such a traumatic event that affected my life so badly and left me devastated for apparently no reason. I feel like knowing what happened would help me to stop asking myself the same questions over and over again.

 

Now the problem is that this is triggering me to do something i know is wrong, namely trying to hack her social network account and find out. I need you guys to talk me out of this temptation and, if you can, to suggest alternative solutions to find inner peace...

 

I actually did what you're about to do. So I'll give you my side of the story.

 

I made over 10 accounts just to try to gain some closure. On two occasions she spoke to me, knowing it was me. However, whenever the case came that I wanted to talk about us and what happened, I was promptly blocked. I wanted closure for months.

 

Fact of the matter, in my case I DID find out from him that she cheated on me. All the things she had told me were just excuses to pursue him without feeling guilty. And usually, that is the main reason why people leave you without explanation. If there isn't someone else, that person wants it to be.

 

Finding out is going to kill you, and all this stalking, take it from me, is going to make it much, much worse.

 

I spent 4 months thinking she was the same person I met in college. My snooping made me found out her other side and I couldn't deal with it. I no longer knew her.

 

Go NC and save the torture. Accept you deserve someone better than someone who doesn't consider your feelings. Also, just as a warning.

 

You're going to meet a LOT of girls who are like this. The ones who are selfish, all about themselves, and have massive egos.

 

They may not be punishable by law, but they are toxic to people who are of your caliber. Save yourself and find someone who is better.

 

Stalking isn't going to bring back the relationship or closure. Assume she left you for someone else and move on, cause chances are, that's what a breakup is...leaving you in hopes of getting someone else.

 

Doesn't make you the one at fault. She's the liar here. She's the coward. Improve yourself for your sake and stay busy.

[km19]

I had a friend who did something like this -- breaking into his ex's email account after a breakup.

 

He came across all sorts of disheartening information. For months before the breakup, the girl had been making fun of him behind his back with her friends, joking about how to let him loose, etc. She'd also cheated on him at one point, which she'd also bragged about with friends.

 

But my friend could do nothing with this information except let it drive him mad. It's not like he could confront the girl and be like, "I illegally broke into your private account and found this."

 

This tactic did NOT bring him closure, it just brought him more anguish.

 

The same thing could easily happen to you. If you get what you're after -- some kind of incriminating information -- you're not going to be able to do a damn thing about it except fester with it.

 

Ignoring all the moral/legal issues here, look at this from a selfish angle: Don't torture yourself like this.

 

It had the exact opposite effect on me. I didn't go looking to log into my ex's email. I was going to log into mine and saw her account. I knew her password and logged in. I was confused and was extremely hurt at this point. What did I find? Emails with another guy as well as planned dates and talking about time already spent together. This was a week after we went on a break.

 

I was pissed. She lied to my face and I have enough self respect to know what I do and don't deserve. I haven't even thought of breaking NC because I know I don't want this type of person in my life. And I haven't been inclined to log back in because I really don't care. Is it hard? Absolutely. But it provided closure. She isn't the girl I loved. So I truly don't miss her. I miss the companionship and the relationship you establish with someone after 5.5 years. But that doesn't exist with her anymore.

 

It obviously can influence people differently, but it's helped me immensely with NC and removing her completely from my life. I had to get my ID out of my wallet yesterday and I forgot I had a picture of my ex behind it. It didn't effect me. I ripped it into pieces and threw it out.

Edited April 29, 2014 by km19

[elseaacych]

Does it really matter? It's not like it's going to get you back with her, and the chance it will help you move on is pretty low.

 

Besides, don't do something illegal.

 

Closure only comes from within. A clean break, in the long run is the best. There are times you will hate it, but in the end, you will know you behaved with integrity and respect for her decision to end it. Whatever that reason was. It will make you better for the next person if you can hold yourself in high esteem.

[Natsume21]

Not sure if being tired of the distance really is just an excuse. Might be the only valid reason in her bag of bs reasons. I don't do LDR. I tried that, I don't want to anymore.

 

Don't look into her account. It's just crazy talking here. You need to step back and think about the kind of person you want to be. It's not something I'd advocate telling a new love "hey my name is John, btw I broke into my ex's account". It spells "run away from psycho" right there. So you'd have to keep this info for yourself; is it really something you want to carry around? Or would you rather have a "clean record".

 

Right before my break up I could tell something was wrong. I am still not sure he hadn't meet someone else, even though he said no (people lie). I was tempted to go through his phone. I am SO GLAD I didn't.

 

Was in a long distance relationship. Didn't like it, but stayed with it anyway cause I loved her. She cheated on me. Fact of the matter is that in any form of relationship and friendship, deceit is a bad thing. No excuse for it.

[Maverick89]

Brutus, like everybody else has said here, don't do it, it's not going to help you... you are possibly telling yourself that you're gonna want to know, but I strongly recommend you don't know anything, and don't let her know anything about you. It works both ways.

 

I stalked my ex on her facebook on Instagram for like 3 months, even after knowing she was already with a new man, only 2 months after breaking up with me. Chances are, and most likely, she was with this new man the week after she broke up with me (and we had a 5 and a half years relationship, first love, love-of-my-life kinda thing).

 

When I saw she posted a photo of the both of them on Instagram I just couldn't believe it, and it broke me to pieces and possibly set me a few months back, in terms of recovery. I want to stress this point... Don't do it... for you. You need to protect yourself and I mean really protect yourself. It's going to hurt a lot if you see her with a new man, maybe some romantic emails between them or even sexual content. I advise you not do anything, go NC... for real... protect yourself and care for yourself.

 

I know it's hard, but believe me when I'm telling you this. Seeing your 'loved one' or 'ex-that-dumped-you' with a new man, shortly after the breakup it literally breaks your heart, soul, mind, everything... Quite possibly one of the worst pains I've ever felt.

 

Don't do it, for you, care for yourself and protect yourself. This is coming from a guy that stalked a little bit too much and prolonged his suffering for more than what it was needed. In the end, we don't learn from other peoples mistakes... but please, please, please, do not stalk the ex and try to have some closure by hacking emails or stalking social media... it's not going to help at all... chances are it's going to set you back from recovering from this, and you're not gonna get the closure that you're needing, simply because we, the dumpees who tried too hard to make it work but get left anyways, never get the closure we deserve.

 

Take care of yourself, and good luck.

[Elle1975]

Was in a long distance relationship. Didn't like it, but stayed with it anyway cause I loved her. She cheated on me. Fact of the matter is that in any form of relationship and friendship, deceit is a bad thing. No excuse for it.

 

Who said otherwise... Who likes to be lied to? However breaking up with someone because they just don't feel like being in the LDR anymore is valid. To me, LDRs are exhausting. I admire people who can keep up with the commitment.

[mtnbiker3000]

OP - The only thing you can do is... do nothing!! Only time will give you closure and answer your questions. Remain NC and look into your own behaviors, actions and personality and gain clarity through that. With time, all will be revealed!!

[lauri]

The only information you need to know is this

 

1) Your ex doesn't want to be with you

 

2) It is their loss

 

3) You are way better then this. Don't sink to this level.

[Elle1975]

The only information you need to know is this

 

1) Your ex doesn't want to be with you

 

 

I hold to that one super tight, whenever I need to kick in the butt.

[movingonnow1]

The only information you need to know is this

 

1) Your ex doesn't want to be with you

 

2) It is their loss

 

3) You are way better then this. Don't sink to this level.

 

^^^ This.

 

The only closure you need it accepting what has happened to you and that your ex no longer wants to be with you. If our ex's did, they WOULD. Breaking into their email for more information will only lead you to way more pain. Let them be with someone else - seriously. I know it makes you sick in your stomach to think about this but it does not matter.

 

Only thing that matters is you need to protect yourself...I know being in pain is the only thing you have left of that person...but honestly, they aren't worth it. Better yourself, even if your ex did want you back do you think your ex would want to be with someone who is a wreck?

 

You need to move forward and become a stronger person - it will only benefit you on all levels and will ensure you end up with the best possible scenario (even if somehow, you do end up back with your ex).

[No Limit]

No need. It won't serve you in any way other than making you all the more upset.

 

I remember the story of a guy who went to his GFs place and waited for her to come home from work, as he usually did. One time he decided to do her a favor and began cleaning up, then noticed a little book below the sofa - turned out that skank of a GF (who was also pregnant!) had her own diary where she took notes who she'd bedded lately, who she wants to screw next etc.

 

Needless to say the guy intended to run, only trouble was the child on the way. Too bad that guy never posted again but for his sake I pray that the child wasn't his.

 

If you were still together and had doubts/suspicions, sure, go for it. But it's all over now. Move on.

[Brutus]

Thank you guys. It helped a lot. It takes a lot of courage to do without the truth. But you are right, way too often truth hurts.