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Is it appropriate to reach out to an ex if you hear they are in a REAL BAD spot?

Ordinaryday

By Ordinaryday
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Ordinaryday Established Member

Ordinaryday

Posted
Posted

I bumped into a mutual friend of mine and my exes today, and while I was very careful not to mention or ask about the ex (if I did it would get back to her that I asked about her!!!) the mutual friend brought her up... what I heard was not good.

 

she got fired from her job, her mother recently died, she has become majorly depressed, she is going to be evicted, she is in an absolutely horrible way!!!

 

Now I am an advocate of NC, and I never reach out on birthdays or things like that... but it sounds like she is in an absolutely terrible state!

 

now I am NOT going to reach out to her because she DUMPED ME and she still has my number and facebook... she may be in a terrible spot but if she felt it was too terrible to handle alone or that she needed my help... she would have called me. the fact that she has not reached out says everything! so no no matter how tough she has it, I am not going to text her asking how she is or offering to help. she has my number.

 

but if you heard your ex, the dumper, was in a terrible spot... about to be evicted, fired from job, depressed, etc... do you think it is EVER okay to reach out with a "hope you are okay" type text. or is the fact that they have not reached out to you enough?

DKT3 Established Member

DKT3

Posted
Posted

You still care about her, it just comes across in your writing. Contact her it doesn't mean you have to lose any self respect. It only means your a good guy for looking out for some one you care about even after you feel like they have wronged you.

  • Like 2
FredJones80 Established Member

FredJones80

Posted
Posted

Sticky situation, one thing to avoid is while they are down they could feel comfort in you and lull them in to falling back for you, which could just be their emotions running high.

 

Tread carefully.

saltyfishhead666 Established Member

saltyfishhead666

Posted
Posted

I wouldn't personally. Most people on here have exs that didn't care for them when they walked away.

 

Why would you offer your shoulder to someone who hurt you just because she's having a hard time?

 

I assume she has friend's and other family... Save yourself and leave them to be her shoulder.

 

Being the good guy is a great thing - you just have to pick and choose wisely who deserves that from you and more often than not exs don't!

  • Like 5
David87 Established Member

David87

Posted
Posted

No I don't think I would offer to help if she doesn't ask.

 

The situation would be different if she called me to help her with something....

  • Like 3
Summerrose2013 Established Member

Summerrose2013

Posted
Posted

What help do you see yourself offering? The only thing I would worry about is the eviction - you can't help with the other issues. Maybe reach out to a mutual friend to see if she has a place to go. But as others have said, tread carefully and keep your guard up. She hasn't reached out to you yet. Do you want to get sucked back into her life at a time when she is emotionally compromised? I don't konw your history, only you know that.

 

Personally I wouldn't 'help my previous ex from a few years back no matter what his situation was. I lost my mum shortly after our break up and he was a complete prick to me just asking me for money. I'd step over him on the street if he was homeless. If this makes me a bad person, I'm sorry. I am very compassionate UNTIL someone treats me bad then I just switch off.

  • Like 1
lolablue17 Established Member

lolablue17

Posted
Posted

I wouldn't contact her at all. let her eat her own self made cake.

 

BUT If you are looking for a way to do it, that's what friends are for. For example you could mention to your mutual friend "by the way" that you feel sorry for her and to imply that "she knows your number" or something like that. of course that info must get to her by the third part.

 

That's how didn't realy offer but you cleared the way for her if she want's to call you but feels too ashamed to do that.

  • Like 4
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Ordinaryday Established Member

Ordinaryday

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I wouldn't contact her at all. let her eat her own self made cake.

 

BUT If you are looking for a way to do it, that's what friends are for. For example you could mention to your mutual friend "by the way" that you feel sorry for her and to imply that "she knows your number" or something like that. of course that info must get to her by the third part.

 

That's how didn't realy offer but you cleared the way for her if she want's to call you but feels too ashamed to do that.

 

Good idea... I actually left a few of my exes when they dumped me with the line "if you ever need anything feel free to give me a call".

 

I figured if they ever did one of two things would happen:

 

1) I would either be resentful and just ignore them which would make them feel rejected as they did me (I can be nasty at times)

or

2) I would respond back and we would have a catch up and get closure.

 

and if they never did well I have lost nothing anyway.

Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted

No - they are an "ex" for a reason.

Haydn Established Member

Haydn

Posted
Posted

I have helped ex`s in a bad spot as many here know. I never wanted them back but sometimes ive needed help in the past and i have got it. Depends on how dire the situation is i guess. I would hate to be so bitter. Not my nature.

 

If one called me and said they needed help moving then i would obviously not be round there in 5 minutes with a white van.

  • Like 2
AlphaC Established Member

AlphaC

Posted
Posted
I bumped into a mutual friend of mine and my exes today, and while I was very careful not to mention or ask about the ex (if I did it would get back to her that I asked about her!!!) the mutual friend brought her up... what I heard was not good.

 

she got fired from her job, her mother recently died, she has become majorly depressed, she is going to be evicted, she is in an absolutely horrible way!!!

 

Now I am an advocate of NC, and I never reach out on birthdays or things like that... but it sounds like she is in an absolutely terrible state!

 

now I am NOT going to reach out to her because she DUMPED ME and she still has my number and facebook... she may be in a terrible spot but if she felt it was too terrible to handle alone or that she needed my help... she would have called me. the fact that she has not reached out says everything! so no no matter how tough she has it, I am not going to text her asking how she is or offering to help. she has my number.

 

but if you heard your ex, the dumper, was in a terrible spot... about to be evicted, fired from job, depressed, etc... do you think it is EVER okay to reach out with a "hope you are okay" type text. or is the fact that they have not reached out to you enough?

 

Leave it alone, she has not bothered to contact you despite her situation. Don't listen to your friends, stop spying and stalking her, leave her alone and move on with your life. Like the other posted stated, she didn't care about your well being when she dumped you. If you cared about her you went through a period of hard time BECAUSE of her decision. Your heartache was directly caused by her decision to dump you and she did nothing to remedy it. Her situation now has nothing to do with you, understand?

 

If you contact her, either directly or indirectly, you will appear as needy, worthless, and even worse, as a man with no options. You don't want someone you have to fix, you want someone to compliment your life, someone to be a conduit to your happiness. If she is a nice person she will have plenty of friends to help her in time of need. Hooking up with someone who is down will bring you down too, count your blessings!!!

  • Like 2
FredJones80 Established Member

FredJones80

Posted
Posted
Your heartache was directly caused by her decision to dump you and she did nothing to remedy it.

 

If it was the right decision for her, how could she remedy it or stop his heartache? The only way to avoid his heartache would of been to stay with him and if she didn't feel she could or want to then it was unavoidable.

 

I understand your point but people don't leave people just with the intention of hurting them.

 

I guess he should wait for her to contact him, if she was desperate, she would.

redbaron005 Established Member

redbaron005

Posted
Posted
she got fired from her job, her mother recently died, she has become majorly depressed, she is going to be evicted, she is in an absolutely horrible way!!!

 

Rough, I hope things get better for her. In this case, IMHO reaching out would be acceptable if you are genuinely willing and able to help her out and if it has been more than six months since the end of the R.

 

If she accepts your offer to help make sure that you draw appropriate boundaries to the situation upfront.

Sugarkane Established Member

Sugarkane

Posted
Posted

I wouldn't at all. They'll see it as interfering. You're supposed to be in NC. I've had my beloved dog die, my nan die, lost my job and been severely depressed. No dumper ever has contacted me.

  • Like 3
Standard-Fare Established Member

Standard-Fare

Posted
Posted

You aren't the one who should be supporting her with these problems. Offering to help would be offering to come back into her life, and not only has she not asked for that but it's also unhealthy for you personally.

 

Your other option is a simple expression of condolences, without the option to help out. You'd need to be careful with that because it could come across as: "Hey, guess what, I found out through gossip just how bad your life sucks right now. Sorry about that!"

 

The only thing you've mentioned here that does seem worthy of addressing is her mother's death. That's a big deal. If you make any contact, it should be a short and sweet expression of sympathy about that specifically. Nothing else.

faithfully Established Member

faithfully

Posted
Posted

Never!!! HE HAD NO JOB, NO MONEY AND NOTHING WHEN I WAS WITH HIM.

 

I paid his phone bill, our rent, gave him money to go see his friends, paid for everything, food, shopping the lot and after my money went dry, then did the coward thing and left!!!

 

So now if he needed help again, i would never help him. I wudnt even piss on him if he was on fire. Not my business/problems anymore!!!

  • Like 1
beembm Member

beembm

Posted
Posted

I don't know your ex and I haven't read your threads but is it possible she is not reaching out because she is trying to respect your NC and/or would feel disrespectful running to you with problems when she left you?

 

 

If I were her, I would not reach out, no matter how hard I was hurting, because I would feel terrible relying on someone I hurt so badly... just a thought/question

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

After ending a 12 year relationship, about 2 years later I realized that my EX's father was critically ill in a coma. I reached out to offer support. We had a long conversation. Although I asked him to contact me if something happened, I had to read about his father's death in the obituary column in the paper a few days later.

 

I will never regret breaking NC under those circumstances. It was the right thing to do.

  • Like 4
Elle1975 Established Member

Elle1975

Posted
Posted
I bumped into a mutual friend of mine and my exes today, and while I was very careful not to mention or ask about the ex (if I did it would get back to her that I asked about her!!!) the mutual friend brought her up... what I heard was not good.

 

she got fired from her job, her mother recently died, she has become majorly depressed, she is going to be evicted, she is in an absolutely horrible way!!!

 

Now I am an advocate of NC, and I never reach out on birthdays or things like that... but it sounds like she is in an absolutely terrible state!

 

now I am NOT going to reach out to her because she DUMPED ME and she still has my number and facebook... she may be in a terrible spot but if she felt it was too terrible to handle alone or that she needed my help... she would have called me. the fact that she has not reached out says everything! so no no matter how tough she has it, I am not going to text her asking how she is or offering to help. she has my number.

 

but if you heard your ex, the dumper, was in a terrible spot... about to be evicted, fired from job, depressed, etc... do you think it is EVER okay to reach out with a "hope you are okay" type text. or is the fact that they have not reached out to you enough?

 

She knows how to reach you. It's a tough one. I still wouldn't. Maybe.. unless I was sure my feeling were buried 6 feet under and felt bad for his situation. Like his dog dying. I love his dog. I know he does too.

Elle1975 Established Member

Elle1975

Posted
Posted
I wudnt even piss on him if he was on fire

lol.. well at least it's crystal clear :laugh:

  • Author
Ordinaryday Established Member

Ordinaryday

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Personally I wouldn't 'help my previous ex from a few years back no matter what his situation was. I lost my mum shortly after our break up and he was a complete prick to me just asking me for money. I'd step over him on the street if he was homeless. If this makes me a bad person, I'm sorry. I am very compassionate UNTIL someone treats me bad then I just switch off.

 

absolutely the same for me, and a few of my exes have been shocked to find this out.

 

I ALWAYS used to help out one girl who had major issues, it was a sick relationship. but she dumped me and then called me awhile later telling me she had problems and asking for help.

 

I told her that no, I did not think that was appropriate, no help would come from me.

 

and she was all like "but you always used to help me when we were together!"

 

and I was like "WHEN we were together. can you see what has changed?"

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