Needing to set boundaries with an ex I still love... beyond frustrating!!!

[avaay]

Hey everyone,

 

My situation is beyond frustrating ~ thanks to anyone who reads this and has any advice.

 

 

Essentially I am needing to tell an 'ex' of mine that I may need to cut off contact with him, unless he is able to start being more emotionally open with me. He's been getting back in touch with me, talking about missing me, etc.etc., but is not taking any action to be consistent with his words or actually make it a real relationship, so it feels like a mind-f**k. I am frustrated because I truly love this guy, care about him deeply, but don't know how to express that the 'casual' relationship we've developed since we broke up just isn't working for me. This guy completely clams up when it comes to talking about his emotions, too.

 

 

In a nutshell, our story is that this guy and I started out pretty much as 'friends with benefits'. He asked me out after months of crushing on me, and wanted it to be exclusive and potentially serious ... but I had just gotten out of a serious relationship at the time and didn't want anything other than casual sex (or so I thought, of course...). So I said yes to him, but insisted it stay casual, even months and months in. Eventually, this really hurt him, and we broke it off, both upset and hurt.

 

A few months after, I realized I'd really made a mistake - and I expressed this to him - that I missed him, and wished we could try again, for real this time. I apologized at length for my stubbornness back then. He told me he wasn't sure if he could trust me anymore, but he agreed to hang out - which we then did do off and on for months after, basically whenever he asked ME to. He had started seeing someone else when we broke up - so he told me he'd need to take it day by day and not get sexual with me - but eventually, he did cross that line with me, and never explained himself after, other than by saying his relationship with the other girl had become 'complicated', and then continuing to treat ME as a 'friend with benefits'. Talk about the tables turning...

 

His poor explanation confused and hurt me, and I did tell him that, but I shrugged it off best I could as we were both moving to different states and I wanted to keep the peace. This was last summer. Almost immediately after we moved to separate states, he expressed wanting to get back in touch, and play 'catch up' often, via 'video dates'. So, the past few months, we've talked off and on, and he's talked a lot about missing me, and even a bit about past regret. Regardless, he doesn't do anything about it - he always talks with me as if we are in the past tense - as if all we can do is reflect on the past, about how great we were together then, and just 'check in on' our lives now.

 

It might seem obvious to anyone else that I should just say, 'Hey, if we were so great together, and you have regret, then why don't we give it another chance?', but there is the issue of distance (very valid), the issue of him still not trusting me potentially, and the issue now of my now not being sure if I should even trust him. He always has emotional walls up that prevent communication - ever since I broke his heart/crushed his ego/whatever you want to call it - and even though I've now let my own walls down, his are still there. There is also the issue of him not being a great communicator when it comes to emotions. He tries to talk with me casually, then sexually, then romantically, then casually again... but it is never consistent. Communication is spotty - even when I try to respond as soon as I can, it sometimes takes days for him to respond, and sometimes it is just to the effect of 'What's up? I really miss you.' He prefers texts over calls, as well. It's become lazy on his part, yet even as I try to play the 'cool girl' with him, he's still the one I think of when I go to sleep at night, and when I wake up. I feel for him romantically, and even if he still does for me, he isn't acting on it, bottom line. I feel like he's put me "on the back burner". He's actually expressed to me before that he has commitment-phobia, but it's gotten to the point where out of respect for myself I feel we either need to cut off contact, or really become more open and transparent with each other and talk it out in a positive way. I don't know how to move on and date other men seriously with him still in the picture. I need to create some kind of boundary.

 

I also want to give him a bit of time to think it over - I don't want to overwhelm him - but I can't let things keep going the way they are. I'm beginning to feel really disrespected, as I have over and over again put my heart out there with him and while he will listen, and continues to contact me, he won't ever open up to me himself... possibly out of fear, possibly out of laziness?

 

 

Are we doomed because we started out as 'friends with benefits', even though he initially wanted something more? Are we doomed because we are now in different states? Are ultimatums a bad idea - saying that we either get more open, or we'll have to just peace out? Any tips for kindly calling a guy out on his poor communication, while also trying to help him feel comfortable enough for that to change? I don't want to shut the door on him, but I just may have to.

 

 

This is by far the most complicated and heart-breaking situation I have ever been in. Thanks for any thoughts, feedback, etc. in advance.

 

 

 

Much love, A.

[elseaacych]

I think this is an instance where you will have to communicate exactly how you feel to him, because you've let him back in, and he's been there for awhile. But first, figure out exactly what you want. Figure out the alternatives. Could you see yourself spending your whole life with him? What do you both want out of life?

 

You have to ask yourself this question, because you've left each other once, apiece. If the answer is no. You have to shut the relationship down for at least double the length of your relationship(s), before you even consider being friends. (If that is something you want in the long run.)

 

Realize that this relationship you are in now is not healthy for you, and you have to do something about it. The best way is to have an open and honest communication with him. (Good relationships have good communication.) Ultimately, you have to do the best thing for you, and if it means shutting him out of your life so you can have some peace, you can't be blamed for that.

[Standard-Fare]

Even if this guy is uncomfortable with emotions, it seems worth it to express to him exactly what you've expressed here:

 

- You aren't OK with the unstable "long distance friends with benefits" situation.

- You need to find another solution, either: A) Making a real shot at dating each other with commitment and monogamy, or B) going your separate ways, because the in-between is too painful for you.

 

I suspect that you fear that such a conversation will drive him toward Path B, and you will lose him. But you've acknowledged here that you can't go on with the way things are, so you do realize that it's time to take some action.

[avaay]

Thanks you guys, I appreciate your insights.

 

It's true, I am afraid that telling him that we may need to go our separate ways if all that's possible is this "in-between", is what he may end up choosing. I'm afraid he may choose it though, because he is overwhelmed.

 

Here's a question - as this has been building up for a very very long time - is there a way that I can ask him if he wants some time to think about it, without that "time" meaning months and months, once again? Should I express a specific time frame?

 

In other words, I don't want to put him on the spot. I need to express my needs and my boundaries, but I want him to be able to at least "sleep on it", without disappearing again for a long time and then showing up randomly again.

 

Is there a good way to express that to a man?