laylay305 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I've gone on five dates with a man that I've been talking to for about a month (we met online). We've had some really serious and deep conversations and he's admitted that he does have some trust issues that prevent him from jumping into relationships, which I understand. While I don't want to rush into anything, I do want to have a better idea of where we stand and am curious as to whether or not he's dating others. Would it be a bad idea to bring this up? If not, any suggestions for doing so?
Author laylay305 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 I've been thinking a lot about it. And I would understand if he said yes--we've not agreed to any sort of exclusivity and we haven't had sex. But if he did say yes, I don't know what I would do. It would leave me feeling bummed. And it would put me in a position where, if I continued to date him, I feel it may imply that I'm ok with him dating other women. We are both still on the site, but neither of us log on frequently at this point. It's not necessarily a deal breaker if he is dating others. I've done multi-dating in the past and can understand it's merits. The problem is that I'm starting to develop feelings for him and it's making me curious. But, before I did anything crazy, I wanted to get everyone else's opinions.
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I think it would be good if you COULD ask - however I don't feel it's appropriate to do so. I don't ask because I don't want to know if my date is dating X amount of other women. All I feel it will achieve is a sour taste in my mouth and not feeling as special as I thought I was. Saying that don't do the sex thing until you do find out that he's not having sex with anyone else. That's just gross and could lead to a whole manner of problems for you. Good luck op 1
Assasda Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Seems like you really like this guy. You should definately ask him. He'll suspect that you want him all for yourself at that point, so be a little cheeky when asking him. Also be accomadating even if you dont get the answer that you want 1
Author laylay305 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 Also be accomadating even if you dont get the answer that you want Thanks for all the good advice, everyone! Also, Assasda, how would you suggest I be accommodating? I believe there's a fine line between being that and being a pushover
Gaeta Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 It depends on what laylay305 wants. You will have an easier time with online dating if you decide ahead of time what is your style of dating and you stay faithful to it. I, personally, will invest 5-6 dates in a man then I will ask him if he's seeing other people. I feel after 5-6 dates a man should know if he's interested enough in me to concentrate on me only for a while. If he tells me yes he's dating around and he's not ready to concentrate on one woman then I will let him go figure out his dating life, him and I aren't on the same page.
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 It depends on what laylay305 wants. You will have an easier time with online dating if you decide ahead of time what is your style of dating and you stay faithful to it. I, personally, will invest 5-6 dates in a man then I will ask him if he's seeing other people. I feel after 5-6 dates a man should know if he's interested enough in me to concentrate on me only for a while. If he tells me yes he's dating around and he's not ready to concentrate on one woman then I will let him go figure out his dating life, him and I aren't on the same page. I think this is a very good example and one I should definately follow too lol
HappyLove Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 You've only known him for a month and he still has an active dating profile and hasn't asked you to take yours down. It's safe to say he's still getting winks and likes and probably still dating others, that's how OLDing is! So you asking this is just going to set you up to be real salty! I mean even if he is still seeing others, which he has every right to, how upfront do you think he'll be with that question? Actions speak louder than words so if he has an active profile and hasn't asked you to be more serious with him you already have your answer.
d0nnivain Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 It's a little early but if you want to know, the only way to find out is to ask. Before you ask, you need to known in your own mind what your response will be if he says he is still active on the dating site. It doesn't have to be break up or demand he stop but you need to have some idea of what you want & when the lack of commitment will be too much.
carhill Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Would it be a bad idea to bring this up? IMO, if exclusive dating is important to you, it's a very good idea to bring it up. If not, any suggestions for doing so? 'I prefer to date only one person at a time. How do you feel about that?' Listen 1
Author laylay305 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 I'm also worried that it's too soon to bring it up. And I feel that it's going to lead to the exclusivity conversation. Honestly, I only prefer to date one man at once, and in a perfect world, I would want the guy I'm dating to be a monogamous dater as well. I realize that's not how it works though--especially in online dating. Honestly, there are some things that concern me about a relationship with him and I also think I need more time before really committing to him. With all that being said, I'm just honestly curious if he still is dating others. I feel that I should probably suck it up and wait a bit longer before initiating this though. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 If you are not fully committed to only date him, wait a while longer on the ask. It won't work really well if you are wishy-washy but he says, sure I'd be happy to take my profile down & date only you.
Gaeta Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Honestly, there are some things that concern me about a relationship with him and I also think I need more time before really committing to him. Dating someone exclusively is not 'committing'. It means you will agree to concentrate on each other only for a while. If it works good, if it doesn't you part and go back fishing. Exclusivity is not a marriage and any kind of title, doesn't even mean you are gf/bf. 1
carhill Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 That's a good point and something which the OP should resolve within herself before broaching this kind of subject. IMO, if dating exclusivity is not an important issue to her, no need to bring it up. If she enjoys entertaining the social offers of many men and getting to know them concurrently, that's one valid dating process, the same as 'one at a time'. Same for the gentleman. It appears she prefers 'one at a time'; the strength of that preference is unknown, as is whether it is her personal choice or a more global preference, in that she expects others she dates to be 'one at a time' daters as well. If the latter, IMO time for some communication. Personally, I always presumed the ladies I dated were dating other men, and they generally were, and I only brought up the subject of exclusivity when the intimacy had progressed to the point of sexual activity, which took a good bit of getting to know for myself. As I had zero desire to make love with a woman who's having sex with other men, or dating other men, that was when I had the 'conversation'. For the OP, her time is her own.
LordVader Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I wonder what people would do if no pain was involved with all this stuff
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