Author hopefullove Posted May 1, 2014 Author Posted May 1, 2014 i think i have been quite patient actually! I like him a lot which is why I am being so patient. Did I mention I invited him over for dinner and he fell asleep and only got back to me at 8:30PM then his brand new car failed so he didn't show up til 10:30 PM. I was livid but because he had been so polite and consistent, I gave him a chance! I had planned a nice meal, I'm a good cook. I made an effort. He said he would make it up to me... and also said that I am impressing him and he hasn't been reciprocating, please help him... which is why I wonder, if he doesn't know what to do? Twice he said he would bring take out and he hasnt. I didn't make a big deal. First time I made food, second time I said he is trying to starve me and if I were hungry he would be in trouble, but, I am observing his follow through. He consistently showed up late to dates. I let it slide, because I'm generally late a lot too. But saying 8ish, and then showing up 9ish, and his phone died, without my FOOD, and drunk. I am not marge simpson, I still have choices if he wants to act the oaf within a month of dating. You know? Don't take me for granted because I like you, at least try to impress me. (I know he was very stressed that day, i really try to be understanding) I am only "harping" on him now. Because he said he is in love with me. It has been very fun every time. After every date he sends me a message about how much fun and what a good time he has had with me. I was dating a lot last year and a lot of men try to impress me. Plan dates, take me out, show me a good time, do special things for me, my friends, surprises. And my previous boyfriends treated me very well, it was all about what they could do to make me happy (I don't just take, I'm a really good girl, caring, funny, sweet, giving). However! I recognize that most importantly is a mans character. I see a lot of good things in this guy, everything has been very fun and natural so far, but when I hear from him, about how good he feels around me, how I relax him, it's all about how he feels with me. I don't yet see how he cares about me, to profess his love, it's a red flag. I am very concise with my words to him. I don't nag. I told him i want to believe he is genuine. Only because he hasn't been following through does he now have a challenge. (Plus I'm a desirable girl! He says I am perfect. He should have a challenge...)
Chocolat Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 He consistently showed up late to dates. I let it slide, because I'm generally late a lot too. But saying 8ish, and then showing up 9ish, and his phone died, without my FOOD, and drunk. I am not marge simpson, I still have choices if he wants to act the oaf within a month of dating. You know? Don't take me for granted because I like you, at least try to impress me. (I know he was very stressed that day, i really try to be understanding) So too busy to be on time but not too busy to get loaded first? Bah. 1
Author hopefullove Posted May 1, 2014 Author Posted May 1, 2014 I want to say - he makes a lot of suggestions, of what we can do, where we should go eat, plans to have me teach him how to cook and he would show up to my place with food and we can cook together. It is also because he makes so many suggestions with little follow through that I am annoyed. I am trying to understand he is busy. He did follow through with our day date to the art gallery.
Author hopefullove Posted May 1, 2014 Author Posted May 1, 2014 So too busy to be on time but not too busy to get loaded first? Bah. yeah - he had wanted to come earlier but I wouldn't be home from work. He was taking classes downtown to update his lawyering and it has been very tiring and stressful. He does like a few drinks. I said he thought I was busy so he killed time at the bar. He told me he would go home first for his car and come over but he just stayed at the bar instead. Which was why he kept waking up throughout the night thinking he would be late for his morning client meeting because he had to go home first to change into his suit and then go into work.
Chocolat Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 yeah - he had wanted to come earlier but I wouldn't be home from work. He was taking classes downtown to update his lawyering and it has been very tiring and stressful. He does like a few drinks. I said he thought I was busy so he killed time at the bar. He told me he would go home first for his car and come over but he just stayed at the bar instead. Which was why he kept waking up throughout the night thinking he would be late for his morning client meeting because he had to go home first to change into his suit and then go into work. So why didn't he use the time he had to get the food he promised to bring? I know that, for me, it would be a HUGE turn-off for a date to show up drunk at my house. I understand he was stressed but, if getting drunk and showing up late and empty-handed (when he was supposed to be bringing the food) is how he handled stress, it would be a non-starter for me. Especially since his stress is related to what is bound to be an ongoing situation -- getting his business going. It speaks volumes about how he deals with stress and how he perceives you. Let me ask you something: If he hadn't sweet-talked you with words of love and marriage and babies, what do his actions say? If he had never said those things, would you still be with him today?
anna121 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I am highly skeptical that he is in love with you. Caveat Emptor.
Author hopefullove Posted May 1, 2014 Author Posted May 1, 2014 (edited) So why didn't he use the time he had to get the food he promised to bring? I know that, for me, it would be a HUGE turn-off for a date to show up drunk at my house. I understand he was stressed but, if getting drunk and showing up late and empty-handed (when he was supposed to be bringing the food) is how he handled stress, it would be a non-starter for me. Especially since his stress is related to what is bound to be an ongoing situation -- getting his business going. It speaks volumes about how he deals with stress and how he perceives you. Let me ask you something: If he hadn't sweet-talked you with words of love and marriage and babies, what do his actions say? If he had never said those things, would you still be with him today? yeah! HUGE turn off! He doesn't eat. Therefore he doesn't see the importance. I mean he wasn't drunk drunk- he was slightly buzzed, and I knew he was drinking. And that's when he said he was in love with me and sees a future with me in his inebriated state. He was just sitting there sighing. I asked him why he was sighing and he said he was happy to be with me. YES - that's what I am weary, because this is only the beginning! That's when ppl make the most effort... however I can tell that with each meeting, he is more caring with me. I don't even want babies. To me babies is a turn off. I told him I would only make babies with the right man. So babies is actually a strike against him lol. The marriage thing doesn't affect me either right now because I am not insane because it has been a month lol. How he treats me: He really is polite, well mannered, has never ever been crude, he generally has asked me out at least 2 days in advance, the first 10 dates. He opens the car door, and makes me walk on the inside of the street, holds my hand and brings it to his chest, kisses my hand. When we have gone out for drinks and snacks he says to me to order whatever I want and pays... He constantly compliments me, texts me consistently in the morning, evening, and bed time. He listens to me and asks me questions about me, my family, friends. He asked for my birthdate on my second date and he mentioned it the last few dates that it was coming up, and the exact date and said when I told him he repeated it non stop so he wouldn't forget. He did bring me flowers when he was late. He seems honest, and open. He is smart, ambitious and hard working, i'm crazily attracted to him, family oriented, he apologizes to me! he seems like a decent guy so I am still trying to get to know him. My ex bf seemed perfect in the beginning and told me he loved me really quickly and became really selfish... so therefore I am weary. Edited May 1, 2014 by hopefullove
Author hopefullove Posted May 1, 2014 Author Posted May 1, 2014 I am highly skeptical that he is in love with you. Caveat Emptor. Yeah - he probably thinks he is because he is so comfortable and relaxed around me. He's a really stressed out and anxious guy and the first few dates, I've relaxed him to the point where he starts napping on me. It's unorthodox, I stroke his hair to get him to back off on his sexual advances lol, and then he passes out like a house cat. I am also very comfortable around him, my instincts were to trust him, and I am very fond of him. We share similar values and interests. We connect intellectually, emotionally and physically. We are very passionate and affectionate together and he has respected all my boundaries, but of course will make an attempt, because, lawyer. He is very charming and sweet. ANYWAY! WE WILL SEE! He is responding well to my apprehension. Though of course I have been very respectful thus far, which is unlike me because I generally am an insufferable shrew. He makes me want to be a better person, which I think is a telling sign of how I feel about him. Too early to be love... but something more than like.
Author hopefullove Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 update on a goodnight text. He told me to give him a chance to prove himself to me. no words. just actions. that he is real. He told me he has been really stressed out, tired and overwhelmed, and having my care and love, well, i don't know how much it has meant to him.... anyway... i really want him to be real.
Els Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 I agree that he could legitimately be busy with his career. That being said, when we're talking about love, I generally go with what someone DOES, not what he says. Talk is easy and cheap. Actions take sacrifice, effort, and time. So, if you ignore everything he SAYS for a second, how does he show you that he loves you? 2
Leigh 87 Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 When a man shows up late for a date and forgets to bring the good he promised to bring, AND he is drunk... It normally means that he just isn't that into you. When a guy meets "the girl" that he IS truly besotted with, even the most slimy of characters manage to pull themselves together and do whatever they can to make things "right" with a women they are NUTS about. Or, this man could just be a douche all around and just not have the capacity to act like any better. I have never known of a decent man who was really interested in a woman and yet behaved as your guy did. So he either isn't that decent of a person, and he wont ever put forth the effort to ANY woman. OR he just isn't that into YOU. 1
Eivuwan Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 There is NO WAY that he loves you after one month of dating. You guys barely know each other. I would be wary of people who talk about loving someone this soon into the relationship. It's either manipulative or he's not self-aware enough to distinguish between passion at the beginning of the relationship and true love. That is a sign of immaturity.
Poppygoodwill Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 This reminds me so much of my experience dating a man with a big job. I liked him very much and I could have fallen for him. We had a lot of fun together, and great sex. He liked me, i know he did. I was the first woman he'd taken anywhere as his gf in the relatively small expat community we were both part of in a developing country. I had a very demanding job and his job was quite high status with long hours, often at odd hours. I quickly learned that our dating would not be conventional. We would meet up later in the evening, or get up early to go for walks before work. He would fly in one day and come to my place, and I would fly out the next. It wasn't normal, but given the situation, it made sense. So I think you have to accept that this man, because of hte demands of his business, will never conform to a conventional dating situation. He can't. And to date someone like that means you have to be flexible and accept that the normal rules also don't apply. A guy who works 16 hours a day adn then comes to you at 10 and leaves at 7 am to go back to work, is *not* the same as a guy who gets off work at 5 pm to hang out with his friends, but never shows up at your place before 11. What I came to realize with my busy man is that he really was doing the best he could and spending his free few hours wiht me, put me at the top of his priority list, not at the bottom. Even if those hours were not 'normal'. That said, if you find that you just can't go with it, and you want more from a partner than someone who fits you in around his business, then this is the not the guy for you. He's not goign to change his worklife anytime soon, so you either accept it, or move on. Pushing him to be a more conventional dater, will go nowhere in my experience. Just frustrate you both adn end in tears. 1
Author hopefullove Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 So I think you have to accept that this man, because of hte demands of his business, will never conform to a conventional dating situation. He can't. And to date someone like that means you have to be flexible and accept that the normal rules also don't apply. A guy who works 16 hours a day adn then comes to you at 10 and leaves at 7 am to go back to work, is *not* the same as a guy who gets off work at 5 pm to hang out with his friends, but never shows up at your place before 11. What I came to realize with my busy man is that he really was doing the best he could and spending his free few hours wiht me, put me at the top of his priority list, not at the bottom. Even if those hours were not 'normal'. thanks poppygoodwill - for sharing your experience on a level that relates to my current experience. I've dated busy guys before, I got back together with an ex earlier this year who is the director of a small design company and it frustrated me to no end that he was too busy to call me while we were long distance cus he was hanging out with his buddies. THAT was putting me low on his priorities. Then I have dated a very busy business owner, who owned a successful busy, but established business, so where as he was busy, he was able to call the shots and call me all the time because he was the boss. So yes, my new man friend, not only has a stressful and busy profession, but also starting his new business where he has to hustle for business as one of you said, and not only that but his business takes a lot of mental and emotional energy from him... I am trying to be understanding. Yes I understand he can't be a conventional dater and is giving me his only free time. To be fair to him. Two dates prior to him forgetting to bring me food. He showed up at my place at 7PM, instead of 8PM like he said and just sat there for a while before texting me that he was "embarrassingly early in my haste and excitement to see you" and was waiting at a starbucks before I could accept him as my guest and brought me a latte (or anything i wanted, i wanted a latte). I think he really was stressed out and tired... and a bit forgetful... We are going to the museum this weekend and he planned it because I made mention of it weeks ago. "besotted with" LOL! LOVE IT He cancelled his Sunday errands to spend time with me, or appease me as you may think. I really care about him from what I know of him so far.
Author hopefullove Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 Hello! I just wanted to update you on my date today. It started at 12:30 PM and I am home now at 10PM I just got home from my date. He drove me home, we kissed, he gave me a kiss on the hand, and on the forehead and went home. So today was his chance to prove to me that it was more than hooker hours and he would have time to make for me. So we went to the museum today but it turned out to be a free day and jammed with families so we went to brunch instead. He took me to a neighbourhood place, it was really cute. And he surprised me with a gift, something cute and small, but meaningful. After brunch - we picked up some ice cream and he drove a while to a cute little scenic park by the waterfront, a place I had never been to before, and we sat by the water and hugged and chatted and ate our ice cream and swatted bugs. He picked out all the bugs that got in my hair, it was adorable. After the park - we went to try to get to the patio for a drink. After drinks - he took me to a great little sushi place, he parked and we chatted for an hour before actually going to get food. Dinner was delicious. Then he drove me home which was really out of the way because he lived pretty close to the restaurant, and I am about 30 mins away drive. SO - i conclude that this cat is legit.
sydneysider1978 Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Only time will tell if this cat is legit or not. It's too soon for drama and ultimatums. It does sound like he's keen but busy with his new job, but people will treat you how you let them treat you. Your time is important to you... If you're not happy with late night visits, don't accept them. If he's really late for dinner (without warning or explanation) eat without him. Calmly and sweetly demonstrate your boundaries. He'll soon catch on and respect you more for it.
Leigh 87 Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 From my own experience, I will tell you some of the behaviour I have noted first hand from men who DID fall head over heels within a one month period of meeting "the one". Please note that it is rare for men to find a girl whom they just know is "the one" within a one month period. Lastly, before reading the personal evidence I have on men's behaviour, the men I talk about ARE RARE, and NOT many men find a woman who they are completely and utterly smitten with, and whom they then go on to genuinely fall in love with within ONE month. - they had instant electric chemistry, mutually experienced (so obviously the instant spark has to be pretty high for a man to fall in love within one month) - both people were kind and decent people and therefore the man who fell " in love" within a month seemed to really trust and respect their girl as much as possible for one month of having met them! - they were of similar values and got along effortlessly - they not only had instant passion but they were also like best friends - the man in the picture whom I personally have seen fall in love after a month ALSO based their schedule around when they could see their new lover, they were compelled to not go too long without "this girl" I have only known two guys, personally, who fell completely in love by one month.. a guy on here who has a lot of experience and KNEW when it happened, and I also know a guy in real life who fell in love within a month. Sorry to say but it looks unlikely that this man has legitimately fallen in love with you, it is VERY rare for a man to fall in love within one month, and it is a once in a lifetime connection that is frankly, not even realised by most adults at all. I want to stress one last time: it IS RARE for a man to fall genuinely in love within a month. Even madly in love men take around 3 months! So to fall in one month is EXTREMELY rare and I have only known TWO men who have ever fallen in love THAT fast, and discovered that it WAS in fact, not just the initial butterflies and passion, but quiet literally TRUE love. Many folks on here will tell you that you cannot fall in love within a month. It may be true frankly, but I THINK I have genuinely see it unfold twice in my entire life.
Author hopefullove Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 - they had instant electric chemistry, mutually experienced (so obviously the instant spark has to be pretty high for a man to fall in love within one month) - both people were kind and decent people and therefore the man who fell " in love" within a month seemed to really trust and respect their girl as much as possible for one month of having met them! - they were of similar values and got along effortlessly - they not only had instant passion but they were also like best friends - the man in the picture whom I personally have seen fall in love after a month ALSO based their schedule around when they could see their new lover, they were compelled to not go too long without "this girl" Haha are you saying this is what it takes? Because this is what we have. Actually - he has been trying to see me non stop during the week but I was upset. And the reasons he didn't see more of me before was because I had mentioned that I was only free Thursday - Sunday, because I was too lazy to make time before we first met and he thought that applied to forever, he was trying to respect my space. He's really respectful. Anyway! Everything has been sorted and we are on the same page. We realize we need to schedule and plan things out. So we have next weekend planned, with in between time during the week to see each other. He was really pained without me this week... and said he messed up by being so late. He really made an effort yesterday and I dated a lot and met a lot of different men in the last year and everything feels different with him. Anyway - he told me that he went through all of our correspondence since the first day we started talking and read through it all to get to learn more insight about me. That was a very lawyer thing to do LOL. I was most mad about him not bringing me food because I love food and live for food and everyone who knows me knows how much I love food...he still has much to learn, we both acknowledge we have a lot to learn about each other but that it feels like everything is moving forward and he likes me more and more and more each day, and I feel the same - the fact that all we did was EAT yesterday, all we did was hold hands and snuggle, it was amazing. So - if we are falling in love with each other - that's great, that's what it feels like.
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