He says he loves me after a month, but too busy to show it?

[hopefullove]

Oh! A new year! A new man!

 

I met someone amazing, and have been dating him for a little over a month now. We've been seeing each other 2 times a week, so so far we've seen each other 12 times ... and he's everything that i've always looked for in a man. He is sweet, sexy, smart, sophisticated, sensual, sensitive, wow, all these words that start with the letter "s"... But, in truth, he is consistent, and seems genuine... he texts me every morning to say good morning, and every night to say good night. He compliments me, and says sweet things, he listens to me, and after a year of dating horrible people, it's really refreshing to meet someone who is polite and well mannered.

 

There is a but!

 

I've been falling in love with him for a while now, and I know it's early, but everything seemed natural, I just want to be good to him, and make him happy, and he seems like a really good person, as am I. But, i've learned to keep my emotions in check and observe through time. Now he has told me several times he is in love with me, and now I am confused. He is a lawyer and actually just started his own firm... so legitimately he is very busy, and my friends have said that the fact he can give me two days a week so far, is really good. However the last two times, have been late in the evening, and he would leave at 7am. I've voiced my dissatisfaction, and said that i'm not a 7-11 open for his convenience. That i deserve some quality time. He seemed to be hurt and said we do spend quality time together, but, I mean i would like for some planning, some effort, some dating! I know he is a busy man, he has a stressful job, and now that it's his own business, he has to manage a lot of admin and accounting as well. I just, don't want another man to be in love with me because of the way I make him feel... I feel it's becoming a trend... He tells me how how relaxed I make him feel, how comfortable he is with me, how I am the only calm in his life at the moment (I really like him so I am patient, and sweet, I cook for him, give him little thoughtful gifts, do things to make him smile, and it comes naturally because I really like him)... but I am starting to feel that I don't know what he has done to have me fall in love with him.. I have been falling in love with him, but he's made me feel cheap with the last two visits, which I don't know if he is to blame or not, because it was the only free time he had, and I wanted to see him so I allowed him to come late (last week, he wanted to see me late, but I did not allow him, he told his friend, which seemed to win his respect), and he had to leave in the morning for meetings...I've let him know that I will not stand for being taken advantage of, and if he does not plan to spend quality time with me, I will assume there is none. So he said he will plan something for the afternoon this weekend.

 

I think there is something very special about this man, and he has said to me he sees a future with me. But it is very early and I have told him that I have learned to only trust through actions, and only time can tell. But it has been a month, and I already feel taken for granted. I am not sure if it is because he is really busy, is this the life i should expect? I brought this up once before and he said that I am impressing him and he is not reciprocating, and he needs my help. I am not sure if he is just dense about what to do, or if he is selfish... I can not have another selfish man in my life. Two times he said he would bring take out to my place, and he has not. He asked me what I wanted him to bring, and I didn't say anything specific so he said that he didn't know what to bring. Food is the way to my heart! I said he is lucky I am not hungry or he would be in big trouble. He hasn't taken me out for an actual dinner... we have gone out for drinks many times (lawyers like to drink it seems), and some times drinks with small bites, we went to the art gallery once after I said we never do anything in the day time. He asks me a lot about what I like, and will always say "we should do that! we should go there!" but we never do!

 

So right now I feel very hurt. I can't ask for something he doesn't have, time. At the same time, I can't help but feel so lonely, especially since he says he is in love with me, and that is the direction I was heading in as well, but he is losing me due to what seems to be lack of effort on his part. If he loves me shouldn't he want to make me happy? And how do I communicate this without sounding like I am blaming him, because I know I do. I don't think he is trying enough, but it is because it is not what I am used to... I am used to men making plans, and taking me out, and wanting to entertain me, and want me to have fun... and yes, I do get to know him more and more every time, and apart from the superficial fun other men provide me, he seems to give me something genuine. But I also appreciate the effort men make to want to impress me? This man impresses me with his character, but seems selfish or dense. And right now, I cant even pretend to be interested in his life because I am so hurt. I know he wants me to be there for him because he is having a tough week, but I don't want to be the pillar for a man I am not sure deserves it yet.

 

Please advise?

[Sunfire73]

You know it. He's a lawyer and just started his firm. So he's really busy. How old is he? I don't think he wants to get serious anytime now, so take what he offers, or find someone else. You are putting way more effort than him, and right now, you are fine with it, but if he doesn't reciprocate it, you will eventually resent it. At this point, his focus is his career. Even if he said he loves you, if he doesn't show it, it's pointless. He just says those things to keep you.

[hopefullove]

he is 30.

He left a large firm to start his own... I know he was in a 6 year relationship that ended because he wanted kids and she didnt. And all he talks about now is kids, and how cute our kids would look...

Yes his being a lawyer also makes it hard for me to trust him so I am really looking for actions. And he hasn't given me any reason to doubt him so far. His actions are very consistent.

I guess his efforts are that he always comes to see me, he lives about half an hour away from me, and when we were first meeting he would always make it convenient for me.

Yes i know his career is his priority right now... most of his friends are all married and starting to have kids, he seems to be fixated on it and always mentions it... I myself, am not too keen on having kids and I told him I would only have kids with the right man...so if he is using the kids thing to keep me, it really should have the opposite effect except I think he MIGHT be the right man. My gut tells me he really is a good man. Maybe I need to teach him how to woo me? I don't know. I am not used to saying what I want or need, usually it comes to me... so it's hard for me to communicate.

[hopefullove]

i am so bummed right now

[hopefullove]

he wanted to introduce me to his friends, he had really good friends visiting and wanted me to go with him on a friday, and then a saturday, but I wasn't feeling well so I didn't go. Actually, I was quite upset because he had been telling me he would make up for forgetting dinner at my place, and he hasn't done anything to make up for it. I am starting to see how everything is about him.

[hopefullove]

Well he is texting me now to plan something for Saturday. But I am too hurt to even try to look forward to it. How do I fix this feeling.

[clia]

I have a several disconnected thoughts on this.

 

First, if he did just start his own law firm, count on him being busy for many years to come. That is a ton of work. You need to determine for yourself whether you are going to be okay with that going forward. He's going to be constantly hustling for new business.

 

Second, are you sure he isn't dating other women? Have you had an exclusivity talk with him? The reason I ask is because I find it downright bizarre that you've been on 12 dates with him and have not had dinner together yet. No matter how busy he is, he still has to eat. Are you typically meeting up with him for drinks after dinner time? If so, who is he having dinner with? And to offer to bring takeout to your house, presumably so the two of you could eat dinner together, and to then forget...wasn't he hungry? How does a person forget that? Have you been to his house? Have you met his friends? How often are you talking to him on the phone?

 

Third, if you don't want to be treated like a 7-11, don't allow yourself to be. Don't allow him to come over for a booty call late at night. You set the boundaries.

 

Fourth, he's obviously not a planner. You have to decide whether you want to remain with a man who isn't a planner. You can't change him.

[soccerrprp]

He sounds like me! Minus being a lawyer and a poor planner....

 

Anyway, he will be busy, but not so busy that he can't find a couple of hours dining out. He can find the time to come to you for booty-calls, but no time to eat??? Or a movie, etc.?

 

You need to pin him down on more DATES. You seriously need to consider whether you want to be involved with someone who my not legitimately have the time for you and/or is selfish. Go on this date he planned and put a good face on. Let him "show" you that he cares about your needs and hopefully that will change your soured attitude.

[Gaeta]

Really you guys are 'in love' after 1 month and a couple of visits?

 

You mean if he would need a kidney tomorrow morning you would give him one? Because that's what love means.

 

So, lets take the 'love' equation out of this situation here. What's left? A lot of unfulfilled promises from a guy full of excuses.

[Survivor12]

So his last relationship ended because he was ready to start a family, yet he is too busy to give you time & attention? It sounds to me as though he's either lying about the reason for the breakup & telling you he wants kids because it makes him seem like a catch OR he's looking for a egg donor.

 

In any case, it's kind of creepy that after a month, he's telling you he loves you and is talking about the future. You are wise to realize that it will take time--and actions--to prove that he's the real deal.

 

In the meantime, his actions are NOT backing up his words. Unless you want to be a nanny to his kids, I would advise putting on the brakes. Be aware, though, that even IF he responds to your concerns about not seeing him enough by giving you more time, it doesn't mean that giving you what you want isn't just a means to an end.

 

Unfortunately, being "everything you're looking for" is how con men reel in their victims. Everything they do and say is orchestrated for the purpose of making themselves seem like the "perfect" partner. From the outset, they study their mark for clues about how to be seen as Mr. Right.

 

But, even if he doesn't have ulterior motives, it is not uncommon for relationships that start out fast and strong to fizzle out quickly. So, in any case, be wary...take things very slowly...and keep your guard up until you've had time to find out who he really is and not just who he wants you to believe him to be.

[Ruby Slippers]

Now he has told me several times he is in love with me, and now I am confused.

Even if a person really is starting to feel those feelings within a month, I think it's a sign of flakiness to start talking about it so early. This is setting off my BS alarm.

 

However the last two times, have been late in the evening, and he would leave at 7am. I've voiced my dissatisfaction, and said that i'm not a 7-11 open for his convenience.

Yet you allow him to come over late and leave early. You're bending to his will because you really, really like him. That never ends well. You're not respecting yourself and your desires, and that tells him you're fine with being disrespected - which kills attraction.

 

I made the same mistake of bending a little too much in my last relationship, because I really, really liked the guy. Looking back, I can see that this was a mistake that I won't repeat again. (He bent for me a lot, too - we both were bending too much, which was a signal it wasn't a match.)

 

but, I mean i would like for some planning, some effort, some dating!

Then don't accept an invitation unless it includes planning, effort, and dating.

 

He hasn't taken me out for an actual dinner... we have gone out for drinks many times

So this sounds more like a FWB+ situation to me.

 

but he is losing me due to what seems to be lack of effort on his part.

Dating advice I read somewhere: Men reveal themselves in their effort (or lack of it). If he were really into you, he would find every possible way he could to light you up. He's doing the minimum possible to still get into your bed - and you're allowing it.

 

And how do I communicate this without sounding like I am blaming him, because I know I do.

Don't accept any invitation that doesn't feel good to you. Dating should be fun and easy. If it's not, there's a problem.

[hopefullove]

oh you guys are so wonderful! thank you for your feedback!

 

I have been so sad today.

 

I actually had plans for Saturday and he sent me a sad crying face emoticon and said that he really misses me and I am making him feel sad. At this point I don't care how I make him feel.

 

He asked about Sunday instead, and said he had to pick up his partner from the airport (it's legit, he's talked about this before, his partner is going out of the country to get married and that's why he has been extra stressed because his parter hasn't been mentally around)...Anyway, he said if he can get out of taxi duties he will, but if not he will see me after. But he also wants to see me before that because there is too much time inbetween, and he misses me. I just said i will see him soon.

 

Then it was weighing on me, and I basically told him how I feel. That his actions don't add up to his words. I know he is planning something this weekend because I had asked, but that he thought it would be okay to show up and leave, i am sensitive, and am hurt. That he was excited to feed me on Thursday night but then didn't, and by the time he arrived (9ish, when he told me he would show up 8ish), I thought he had stood me up, and it's early so a girl likes to feel valued. And that, I am not trusting his intentions anymore. Because I don't... because of the fact he says he is in love with me... it makes me trust him even less now (plus the lawyer fact).

 

Haha - My last ex told me he loved me in 4 dates... actually started hinting at it after the 2nd date in texts. And another man I was dating briefly thought I was his soulmate. I definitely know the signs of flakes now. Though maybe a few weeks ago, we had another conversation where he said that he is not one to show emotion quickly... but he is very happy with me.

 

Yes - I allowed him over in these hooker hours. Because I want to see him, because otherwise I would not see him. Yes i know. To be fair, Friday morning he said he had a meeting with a client and was so anxious about missing his meeting he woke up about 3 times freaking out about missing his meeting.

 

Also - this guy doesn't seem to eat. He is really really skinny. He drinks.

 

Ah - so Dinner. So early on I offered to make him dinner and the guy says he took a nap and didn't get back to me til 8:30PM and then he said he had car problems and so didn't end up showing up til 10 something... and I had prepared dinner. I was livid. He promised it was all true. But it is suspect!

 

we haven't had the exclusivity talk. I am not seeing anyone, and I assumed he would be too busy to date anyone else. The first date was at 8:30PM you're right after dinner time, we spent 3 hours together. Then the next ones were around 9 - 9:30. He said he is coming from work.

 

He has been trying to introduce me to his friends, and we text everyday, he starts off in the morning, and then before he sleeps.

 

No - I will not allow myself to be treated like a 7-11 anymore. I can't bear this feeling, I feel so cheap and unhappy and I thought i wouldn't but it does get to me.

 

Our first 2 dates were at the same pub, i was livid again at the lack of imagination. The 2 other bars/restaurants we have been my suggestions that he re-suggested. It seems that he is afraid to deviate from my suggestions, so maybe he just wants to make sure I am happy?

 

MY SOURED ATTITUDE.

It is already soured!!!! I don't trust him anymore.

 

I am not in love with him.. I was falling in love with him and of course letting time and actions show me, but currently I am not even in like with him at the moment.

 

Actually: RE: his last relationship, he brought up that his ex said that she did not want to raise a baby by herself, and he said they could always get a nanny, but she would have none of it. He realized that he doesn't have time but really does want a family.

 

WELL.

After my text he said that he is having a terrible day at work and didn't want to text me but is leaving work soon (9ish PM) and will call me ASAP. I am so sad and I just want to sleep, so i said I will be going to bed.

 

I am sad because I thought he was the one.. Of course experience has taught me to calm my tits lol. So I am glad that I have.. with the reasons that he would be legit busy, selfish, or con man, or i dont know... YEAH WHO FORGETS TO BRING TAKE OUT TWICE.

 

seriously wtf.

[BradJacobs]

seriously wtf.

You can't handle a life with a man like this.

 

Find someone who has the ability and will to make time for you.

[hopefullove]

So i told him I went to sleep so in turn, missed his phone call and he texted me, saying that he is now forced to write me.

 

Basically he said he is really happy to have me in his life, and i'm all these great things, and he's at a time to look for someone special and he knows I am special. He's had relationships that have happened too quickly that have burnt out just as fast and really wants to take the time to get to know me. And that his fav memory to date is when we went to the art gallery. That he leaves me lonely is unacceptable and he is sorry and he will hope i will let him spend time with me, just that the last weeks have been really rough, and he's not taking advantage of my feelings nor only trying to spend the night, and if it means him not spending the night, then he wont. He keeps saying how much he misses me, and really wants to see me before sunday.

[Assasda]

All I saw was 1 month, I couldnt read the post.

 

If its one month. You need to relax and stop being needy. Be content and live your own life and let the relationship happen, instead of forcing it

[hopefullove]

he just texted me that he is very happy i am giving him a chance to impress me this weekend. SO! only time can tell.

[clia]

Keep us updated!

[waiting4u]

Pull WAAAY back. Don't agree to drink dates, don't meet him at his house, don't call or text him, make him show some EFFORT before you give up the goods. He says he likes / loves you. He needs to prove it.

 

To be generous with this guy, he's having trouble finding a work / life balance. There's no reason he can't make reservations for dinner somewhere and meet you after work, even if he works until 8 or 9pm. It sounds like you are setting yourself up for a relationship with a Donald Draper- type workaholic, which means you'll be home popping out babies whilst he boinks his secretary.

 

That said, you don't need to act needy while you go about "training" him to treat you better (forgive the word I'm using here - but that's sort of what it's like). Don't complain and whine about it, just don't respond to offers to just come over and f**k. Tell him you're busy but you're free on X night if he wants to have dinner or something. He should make plans several days ahead of time. And don't tell him what you're doing. He'll figure it out soon enough.

[Eddie Edirol]

If he cant makje time and plan out a nice dinner somewhere NOW, hows it going to happen in the future? You have all the clues, you can keep seeing if he will make the time, but bottom line, unless you think youre teaching him something, this is the way he is. He will probably go to a couple dinners with you to shut you up and then go back to hooker hours. Im extremely suspicious of a lawyer than sweet talks you by saying he loves you within the first month. He doesnt even know you yet. Lawyers have to learn to be persuasive. Is he using his lawyer skills on you?

[hopefullove]

Yes - i am pulling WAAAAY back.

Yes I think he is using his lawyer skills to manipulate my feelings... good thing ive been trained and scarred over that I am bit more thick skinned this year. Not thick skinned enough to not be affected by hooker hours.

 

I was chatting with my lawyer friend who just started her own business as well and she said she can empathize and that she feels sorry for her husband sometimes, but they did court like normal people in the beginning and this guy is treating me like his wife, leaning on me emotionally and not making the efforts.

 

I've been very very respectable and have not whined about anything, everything I have communicated has been very matter of factly, and just expressing how I am feeling. Very adult lol.

 

So every morning he messages me, and i respond politely and said I missed him. Because I do, but that does not mean I trust him any more and am back in observational mode. He said pls dont give him another heart attack.

I said that he has Sunday to prove to me he can follow through and that he can make an effort to date me and that i havent already been married to him for like 20 years.

He thought i was hilarious and said we will have fun on Sunday - and he even got out of picking up his partner at the airport so he can spend all day with me.

 

SO WE WILL SEE.

[letmoc]

This is a lot of drama on both of your parts for just one month of dating.

[clia]

Why isn't he taking you out on Friday or Saturday night?

[hopefullove]

i don't think it is a lot of drama.

 

I think if we were quite casual it would be. But because he has said things to me like... ummm he is in love with me, sees a future with me, he is looking for someone special and I am special, thinks we would have cute kids, etc etc... I should be expecting his actions to be aligned and I am simply asking him to show me that his actions are aligned to his lawyery words.

 

Friday I assume he will have a long day at work. His partner is missing in action so he is solo at work, last week he was there til 9:30. He originally planned saturday but I have plans. So sunday I am free.

[letmoc]

I think if we were quite casual it would be. But because he has said things to me like... ummm he is in love with me, sees a future with me, he is looking for someone special and I am special, thinks we would have cute kids, etc etc... I should be expecting his actions to be aligned and I am simply asking him to show me that his actions are aligned to his lawyery words.

 

 

I guess that's fair. But this is the get to know you stage, it should be a little more fun than you harping on him, and him trying to meet the challenge.

[letmoc]

I think if we were quite casual it would be. But because he has said things to me like... ummm he is in love with me, sees a future with me, he is looking for someone special and I am special, thinks we would have cute kids, etc etc... I should be expecting his actions to be aligned and I am simply asking him to show me that his actions are aligned to his lawyery words.

 

 

I guess that's fair. But this is the get to know you stage, it should be a little more fun than you harping on him, and him trying to meet the challenge.