missyou123 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 (edited) I have never been in a serious relationship; actually I’ve never had an official boyfriend for that matter. In high school I had crushes, but never anyone I really liked or was able to connect with. I was okay with this; all the guys in my grade, who liked me, were immature. In my first few years of university I finally started developing a “love life.” I’ve learned many things in the past 3 years; how sex doesn’t equate with love, how actions speak louder than words, how being in love is both liberating and imprisoning and when to let go of something that is no longer benefiting you. I feel like I’m finally at a place in my life where I know what I want, essentially what I have to offer someone else: someone I can open up with, have depth-full conversations, basically just a f*cking emotional and intellectual connection. That’s it. I don’t think I’m being picky either. I just want something meaningful, and I’ve never settled for anything less, maybe that’s why I’m alone. I’ve always been extremely comfortable and happy being alone, in fact I’m still happy being alone, but recently it hit me. I’m f*cking 21 and have never been in a serious relationship, and I know it’s my fault entirely. I generally don’t put myself out there, and I’ve realized assertive men have tended to be my “type,” not because I find them more attractive, but because they’re easier. I don’t really have to try, and I definitely don’t have to make myself vulnerable. How can I expect to make a meaningful connection with someone when I don’t even make the effort of putting myself out there? Edited April 29, 2014 by missyou123
twinkie0 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 problem is you can't have a meaningful conection if you're not putting youself out there in the first place. you seem really smart and put-together, so let me tell you what I think. it's cool that you want something meaningful, but maybe you need some experiencie in more relaxed relationships. i know you think you're not being picky, but if there are guys attracted to you and you've always been single, well... you are probably being picky. it's not about settling for less, it's about meeting people. have fun, go out with someone you find attractive, even if you don't have that "connection". plus, consider that if you are looking for something so serious, you might eventually be really into one guy and scare him off because of how intense the idea is. even if you find the right guy and feel the connection, let yourself be in a calm relationship or chances are you'll mess it up. 4
Author missyou123 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 problem is you can't have a meaningful conection if you're not putting youself out there in the first place. you seem really smart and put-together, so let me tell you what I think. it's cool that you want something meaningful, but maybe you need some experiencie in more relaxed relationships. i know you think you're not being picky, but if there are guys attracted to you and you've always been single, well... you are probably being picky. it's not about settling for less, it's about meeting people. have fun, go out with someone you find attractive, even if you don't have that "connection". plus, consider that if you are looking for something so serious, you might eventually be really into one guy and scare him off because of how intense the idea is. even if you find the right guy and feel the connection, let yourself be in a calm relationship or chances are you'll mess it up. That's actually one of my problems, and I'm aware of it, but I definitely don't let it show. I realize I develop feelings quite fast for someone, when I think it feels rights, but I am capable of losing feelings just as quickly so it evens out I guess. And yes that's actually the advice I was looking for; where to meet people. Because currently all my friends are in long term relationships and act like hermits. I've gone on 2 dates this month using tinder, so that's my only medium of meeting guys atm...which is kind of depressing. The guys I met were nice though. School is a great place, but I can never bring myself to initiate conversation first; I'm a firm believer of if he's interested, he'll approach.
AnthonyLorenzo Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 If you don't mind, I would like to try and help. First off, you are 21. I am glad to hear you HAVEN'T had a serious relationship yet. "Serious" relationships can take a Serious amount of time and energy. You need to be ready for that. Possibly you aren't ready for that. You did say you have always been extremely comfortable and happy being alone. Unfortunately guys can read these signals. It sounds like you are a very intelligent lady so at least you understand that you need someone to be at your level. This is the catching point for many ladies. There IS a ton of guys out there that are "Date-able", but that is usually as far as it goes because those guys have no depth to them. And of course the guys with depth are usually in relationships. Unfortunately this is just a product of our society. It's not like the school systems have "Dating/Relationship" class, so guys are left learning relationships from their parents and peers who are also lost. Relationships are something that I believe ladies learn much more growing up, and guys get left behind. The good news is, you can teach a guy HOW to have a relationship, if you want to. It might seem strange to have to do this, but if you find a guy you like, and he is missing that connection, be up front about it with him. He needs to understand that ladies can be emotional and need to feel safe being emotional. Tell him what you expect from him when you are emotional. Guys are single focused and most of the time don't understand how to deal with the emotional stuff. He just needs instructions and communication from you. Every lady is different so only you know what you need. 3
VeronicaRoss Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 As a woman who started dating quite young (but at the time I felt ancient at 16), I've got a couple pieces of advice. It was always easy for me because my parents taught me to talk with virtually anyone, and I genuinely find people interesting and show an interest in them. That's really at the heart of it -- do you show interest in them? You need to show men you're interested and available. That's how it starts. Men have the greatest burden in meeting. They're the ones that generally have to make the first big move. Have you thought about how hard that is? Most men are going to approach the women that show interest in them first. My guess is you don't show 'that kind' of interest, so you are left alone. Women really are the ones to 'make the first move'. Women can dress a bit sexy, be extroverted flirts, or just smile, look longer into his eyes than normal, turn toward or lean toward a guy when talking with him, touch his arm while talking, etc. Are you truly interested in him? Show it! That's almost irresistible. If nothing else, it's always great practice. Is there a guy you actually are interested in? Do you ever ask him about himself, talk about what you're doing and flirt a bit while doing it with your gestures? If you don't, just study how other women do it, someone with a style you would feel ok emulating. You're still REALLY young! At a great age to find someone and fall in love actually. This is also supposed to be fun. Go find an outfit that express your femininity & availability more (suiting you), check to make sure you're showing interest in the guys you think are interesting or cool, don't be afraid to put yourself out there a bit. Don't go overboard or do something you'd regret. The guys worth dating want to know that they are special to you too. They'll appreciate your selectiveness. 3
Shaun-Dro Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I have never been in a serious relationship; actually I’ve never had an official boyfriend for that matter. In high school I had crushes, but never anyone I really liked or was able to connect with. I was okay with this; all the guys in my grade, who liked me, were immature. In my first few years of university I finally started developing a “love life.” I’ve learned many things in the past 3 years; how sex doesn’t equate with love, how actions speak louder than words, how being in love is both liberating and imprisoning and when to let go of something that is no longer benefiting you. I feel like I’m finally at a place in my life where I know what I want, essentially what I have to offer someone else: someone I can open up with, have depth-full conversations, basically just a f*cking emotional and intellectual connection. That’s it. I don’t think I’m being picky either. I just want something meaningful, and I’ve never settled for anything less, maybe that’s why I’m alone. I’ve always been extremely comfortable and happy being alone, in fact I’m still happy being alone, but recently it hit me. I’m f*cking 21 and have never been in a serious relationship, and I know it’s my fault entirely. I generally don’t put myself out there, and I’ve realized assertive men have tended to be my “type,” not because I find them more attractive, but because they’re easier. I don’t really have to try, and I definitely don’t have to make myself vulnerable. How can I expect to make a meaningful connection with someone when I don’t even make the effort of putting myself out there? Looks like you just answered your own questions to your problems, which is to put yourself out there more to see some results.
preraph Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 God, when I started reading your post, I thought you were at least 50, then you say you're 21. Your brain isn't even full developed until you're in your mid-20s. There's no reason to be in a hurry to partner up. But you have plenty of time if that's what you want to do. I never had any problem just being by myself from the time I was young. I didn't have the same need for a partner as I guess most people do who have to have someone around all the time. I had plenty of short relationships and just a whole lot of fun and have people I've known forever, friends, and exes, but I realized when I was middle aged and looking around at the lives of my partnered friends and what they had to put up with to have a partner and how their partners were all controlling, etc., that that was just never right for me. I'm decisive and got my own path and it would be a miracle to find someone who fit right into that. I don't want it bad enough to compromise, so it's not going to happen. You are still young and still changing. And you just need to have fun, keep an eye on your goals for how to make a living, and if you're supposed to be with a man, it will happen. 2
Da Lonely 1 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 (edited) I'm unclear on one part. You said you've never had a serious relationship, but I misunderstand if that means you have either had no long term relationships or none at all. I met my first and pretty much only girlfriend at the age of 19. I didn't even have sex with her when I knew her in 2005. I never met up with her again until 2012 too and she used me yet again, but I did try to have sex with her, couldn't and she gave up too quickly. She was just a gold-digger anyway and nobody needs that in their life. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 22, but that was in a sauna. I feel like a huge loser because my self esteem is low and I get taken advantage of a lot as well. I'm quite a nice guy in person, but establishing social connections for me is extra hard due to autism and there's not many single women at Number 6 where I hang out. I don't really know how to meet ordinary women either, but maybe you should focus on something you have a keen interest in so that if you do meet a single lady, she may click with you based on the fact you both have something in common. You do study, which is fine. Do you find that prevents you from finding the time to be social? Humans are a social species so a lack of such social settings can disrupt your feelings. I'd look into joining a club specifically aimed at an interest, but yes...I need to take my own advice too. Edited April 29, 2014 by Da Lonely 1 Minor editing. 1
Disillusioned Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I know what I did wrong. I was born male in the US.
Author missyou123 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 Thank you for all of the replies! I guess I do come off as sounding like I'm in a panic, but it's only because all my friends are in long term relationships, and I feel guilty being inexperienced. I just don't like the idea of being 22 without ever having relationship experience. I should clarify that I've never had an official boyfriend, but I have been seriously involved with someone romantically. That's why I was talking about being in love before, so I have had that emotional and intellectual connection with someone. It was just complicated, we couldn't be together...but that's another very long story. I can admit that I've been fairly picky with guys in the past, and I think that's because I had an ideal perception of what my partner would be like. That being said, after being in love my expectations have kind of disappeared. Meaning, I don't think it's hard to fall in love with someone. And I'm not entirely pessimistic, because there are nice, intelligent/depth-full men out there. Really motivated me to become more assertive/approachable 1
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