How horrible is it to have a girl on the side in case your girlfriend leaves you?

May 3, 2014

That's not even close to the same thing.

That just meant that my feelings for her were stronger than her feelings for me.

We only saw each other about three days a week. So I didn't really know when she was out with her friends or just staying home binge watching a show.

We each did our own separate things.

Dancing, video games, hiking, going on bike rides, goofy stuff online, Japanese culture and anime.

She also knew that I spent a lot of time at school and doing homework.

She never once even hinted that I gave her too much attention and needed other things in my life.

You think a woman is going to tell a man she is dating that he needs other things in his life?? Haha!! She's your girlfriend bro not your life coach.

Did you go hiking and dancing when you and she were apart? If not, then I would be willing to bet a lot of money that it bothered her that your life away from her was mostly binge-watching tv shows.

EDIT: SD81, you are too good at arguing for your own benefit. I can already picture your retort: "But I did take dance lessons w/o her a bunch of times! I also was busy studying!!" Tell you what, instead of arguing with us about why what we are saying "can't be so" you might do yourself good to think about how we could be right--that your attitude on here of how much you need a girlfriend to be happy (your words) manifested itself in your outer behavior.

Edited May 3, 2014 by Imajerk17

May 3, 2014

You think a woman is going to tell a man she is dating that he needs other things in his life?? Haha!! She's your girlfriend bro not your life coach.

Did you go hiking and dancing when you and she were apart? If not, then I would be willing to bet a lot of money that it bothered her that your life away from her was mostly binge-watching tv shows.

She was the one binge watching, not me.

Yes I did go hiking and bike riding without her. Dancing no.

I really don't think that she cared at all what I was doing when she wasn't with me. Our lives were independent from each other when we weren't together. Her life when she was not with me was pretty much work, watch her Apple TV, play Sims/Candy Crush. She also did a lot of walking.

EDIT: SD81, I can already picture your retort: "But I did take dance lessons a couple times!" Tell you what, instead of arguing with us about why what we are saying "can't be so" you might do yourself good to think about how we could be right--that your attitude on here of how much you need a girlfriend manifested itself in your outer behavior.

And I'm saying it didn't manifest at all. You're just grasping at straws.

My outer behavior was, me acting really happy that I had a GF.

Edited May 3, 2014 by somedude81

May 3, 2014

I addressed this point earlier when I asked, how would she know, or why would she even think that she was the source of all my happiness?

Nobody has given me an answer.

Did you ever talk with her about any other sources of happiness?

I don't think you have had enough social experience (dating and otherwise) to understand normal, so you don't realize what most people expect, and what is odd. Like never being introduced to friends in 6 months.

May 3, 2014

Did you ever talk with her about any other sources of happiness?

That sounds like a weird conversation to have.

I don't think you have had enough social experience (dating and otherwise) to understand normal, so you don't realize what most people expect, and what is odd. Like never being introduced to friends in 6 months.

Seeing as how we lived roughly an hour apart from each other, and weren't in the same social circle, when and how was I supposed to meet her friends?

May 3, 2014

That sounds like a weird conversation to have.

Seeing as how we lived roughly an hour apart from each other, and weren't in the same social circle, when and how was I supposed to meet her friends?

It's not a weird conversation. It's like this:

"I can't wait to go to (enter event related to your passion). I'm working on (enter goal). Did I tell you about (enter cool thing you did)? Oh, the funniest thing happened when I was out with (enter friends name)"

If she spent days in your town, it would be expected that you would introduce her to your friends. Or you'd travel to her town for a friends birthday, or a BBQ, or something. Most people want their partner to meet their friends once things are official. Most women can't wait to introduce their friends, and get their opinion!

May 3, 2014

That sounds like a weird conversation to have.

Seeing as how we lived roughly an hour apart from each other, and weren't in the same social circle, when and how was I supposed to meet her friends?

You know what... it takes about an hour and a half for me to go from my house to my FWB's house. We live in the same city as well, but that's how long it takes by public transport, which is my means of travel.

Even so, i met several of his friend when we hung out. And this was just a FWB, not a boyfriend, and it was only in a few weeks, not 6 months.

If people want you to meet their friends, you'll meet them.

May 3, 2014

It's not a weird conversation. It's like this:
"I can't wait to go to (enter event related to your passion). I'm working on (enter goal). Did I tell you about (enter cool thing you did)? Oh, the funniest thing happened when I was out with (enter friends name)"

I don't remember if we had conversations like that. I'm sure we did.

If she spent days in your town, it would be expected that you would introduce her to your friends.

Eh, it never came up. She never asked me about my friends.

Or you'd travel to her town for a friends birthday, or a BBQ, or something. Most people want their partner to meet their friends once things are official. Most women can't wait to introduce their friends, and get their opinion!

As far as I know, she never went to any events that were going on with her friends.

I really don't know how many friends she had.

I don't know why she didn't go out of her way to try to get me to meet her friends.

Though you'd be wasting your time if you are going to say that maybe she never really liked me.

May 3, 2014

If she didn't even talk about her friends, or you meeting them, it is possible that she has social issues, too.

Or maybe she never considered the relationship to be serious enough. From what you've told us here, it hadn't advanced to the level most would expect at 6 months (sharing I love yous, talking about your lives outside of each other, etc). There were fundamental aspects missing, and maybe she intentionally avoided those things. You weren't experienced enough to know they were missing.

May 3, 2014

I don't know how advanced a relationship should be at six months, but there is no way in hell that she didn't consider it to be serious.

I don't doubt for a second that at the height of the relationship, whenever that was, that she really cared for me.

May 3, 2014

Shoot.. finding one decent GF is hard enough, I can't imagine how hard it would be to have a female orbiter... men are normally the orbiters.

I would think sinking yourself fully into the one relationship would be the best for all sides..

Your just trying to find a way to not feel breakup pain... can't be done and if you are emotionally healthy then you will want to feel the pain, learn from that pain and grow from it.. to not feel it would mean you will carry the baggage from one relationship to another.

May 4, 2014

I don't know how advanced a relationship should be at six months, but there is no way in hell that she didn't consider it to be serious.

I don't doubt for a second that at the height of the relationship, whenever that was, that she really cared for me.

I'm sure she did care for you. That's why it was difficult for her to break it off. She was concerned about how you'd take it.

But that doesn't mean she ever seriously considered you as a long term partner. Maybe she did, but this missing aspects suggest she didn't.

You say at the height. Remember that in early months, relationships are full of excitement and getting to know each other. It should build in seriousness. Not peak and them taper off. If distance was growing before 6 months, that isn't a good sign.

May 4, 2014

You know, when I read the updated posts on this thread, i just shake my head in dismay. More great advice, some harsh but true words, AGAIN, completely ignored or met with wafer thin justifications.

If someone says something to you, and 5 or 6 people like it, do you not think it might has some value?!?!

SomeDude, you are seriously, the most blind and stubborn person on this forum. All this talk of hobbies and dinners and driving is IRRELEVANT. Your attitude to life and people in general is what makes you unattractive and frankly, undeserving of a GF. This whole thread is just a perfect example of how utterly delusional you are about how love works! I don't even know why you bother posting here. You ask for advice, receive SO MUCH, but yet having a pity party for yourself is all you will ever respond with!! You don't even TRY! In fact you don't even go away and think about it! You've already written a relpy saying why you can't, or why that's not relevant. YOU ALWAYS MISS THE POINT.

You say you want a relationship but would be happier in general if you were getting sex. You couldn't handle a FWB situation. honestly, you would be SOOOOOOOOOOOO unhappy with a situation like that. But If having regular sex will make you happy, then see a prostitute. You don't need a GF.

If you are right, and the world (not you) really is at fault, then there really isn't much you can do is there? It must be a conspiracy. If you really are destined to be single and therefore unhappy for ever, then you should probably think about moving to India or Thailand and becoming a Buddhist monk or something. Work in a hospice with dying folks. under privileged kids maybe. Try and find SOME meaning in your life, and you'll only find that by helping others. Otherwise you are really just a drain on the worlds resources.. I mean, if you are just going to exist like you are, totally unhappy with everything around you - unless you have a GF...

And yes, you should totally just put everyone like KungFuJoe who "just doesn't understand you" on your ignore list. Anyone who serves up some harsh truths.

Soon, everyone who has been a member for longer than 5 mins will be on it, and you will never have to listen to things you don't want to hear ever again!

May 4, 2014

I was just going to ask if, after 15 pages of advice, you could summarise what you have learnt from this thread, somedude81?

May 4, 2014

You know, when I read the updated posts on this thread, i just shake my head in dismay. More great advice, some harsh but true words, AGAIN, completely ignored or met with wafer thin justifications.

First of all, it should be obvious that I don't respond well to harsh words.

Get a clue, when I'm so hard on myself which you would know if you read any of my posts, anybody being rude will not get through to me.

SomeDude, you are seriously, the most blind and stubborn person on this forum. All this talk of hobbies and dinners and driving is IRRELEVANT.

Tell that to the people who brought it up. I wasn't the one who started talking about those things. I responded, because I thought they were important. Why else would they have been mentioned?

I am not blind, I'm inexperienced. Think about the difference.

How much would you expect somebody who has only had a girlfriend for six months to understand how relationships work?

Your attitude to life and people in general is what makes you unattractive and frankly, undeserving of a GF.

If you're going to give me such a blanket statement you better explain what you mean, or I will think you're just full of it.

This whole thread is just a perfect example of how utterly delusional you are about how love works!

Again, it should be obvious that I don't have a clue how love works.

Instead of being so quick to attack me, actually spend some time thinking about what you are going to write first.

You say you want a relationship but would be happier in general if you were getting sex. You couldn't handle a FWB situation. honestly, you would be SOOOOOOOOOOOO unhappy with a situation like that. But If having regular sex will make you happy, then see a prostitute. You don't need a GF.

What the hell are you even trying to say?

If you are right, and the world (not you) really is at fault, then there really isn't much you can do is there? It must be a conspiracy. If you really are destined to be single and therefore unhappy for ever, then you should probably think about moving to India or Thailand and becoming a Buddhist monk or something. Work in a hospice with dying folks. under privileged kids maybe. Try and find SOME meaning in your life, and you'll only find that by helping others. Otherwise you are really just a drain on the worlds resources.. I mean, if you are just going to exist like you are, totally unhappy with everything around you - unless you have a GF...

Seriously?

And yes, you should totally just put everyone like KungFuJoe who "just doesn't understand you" on your ignore list. Anyone who serves up some harsh truths.

Did you even read what KungFuJoe said to me??

He flat out insulted me. He's also been rude to me for months.

I don't need to see that crap.

May 4, 2014

Yes I know it's cheating, which I'm completely against; but after how my relationship ended and left me emotionally, I'm starting to get slight second thoughts.

Putting it in simple terms, I was and mostly still am devastated by my ex leaving me. I really want to get a new GF but my confidence is gone, I'm sad, tired, and overall not performing anywhere near at my norm.

I'm unattractive.

Conversely, when I was with my GF, I was happy, had very high confidence, great self-esteem, the world was wonderful etc.

I was attractive.

Looking at it just from those viewpoints, the best time for me to meet and date women, was when I was in a relationship. Heck, rejection wouldn't bug me at all because I already had a great GF.

When I was with my GF had no desire to stray at all. I was in it for the long haul. I expected to be with her for a long time. Then I got burned.

If I had a girl on the side, when my ex left me, I probably would have taken the breakup and its aftermath far less harshly.

To make it clear, I'm still completely against cheating, but when I'm struggling, trying to find another girl, these are thoughts that are going through my head. Of course there's also the thought that, "She dumped me, why does it matter if I cheated on her?"

I'm pretty sure most people dating in one form or fashion have that 'next vine' prepared just in case. It's that person who goes into the category of 'if i wasn't dating this person, it would definitely be you.'

You don't have to feel bad about that one, bud. It's very common, actually.

May 4, 2014

I'm pretty sure most people dating in one form or fashion have that 'next vine' prepared just in case. It's that person who goes into the category of 'if i wasn't dating this person, it would definitely be you.'

You don't have to feel bad about that one, bud. It's very common, actually.

And yet so many people have tried to make me feel bad.

After getting a better feel for the situation, I think the smartest thing to do is have women that are waiting 'the next vine' but don't actually be involved with them. That way I wouldn't be cheating on my GF.

May 4, 2014

I was just going to ask if, after 15 pages of advice, you could summarise what you have learnt from this thread, somedude81?

Though I'm still not really sure why, my ex was unhappy in the relationship and felt that she didn't like me enough to stay with me.

Because she was an immature young woman, I shouldn't have expected her to talk about her issues with me, or expected her feelings for me to remain constant, or expected her to try to make the relationship work, or expected her to give me any heads up that things were ending, or expected her to show any respect or kindness towards me after she made up her mind.

I should have had one or more lady friends that were interested in me, but that I wasn't doing anything with who were waiting for me to be single. I also should have just had some friends to spend time with.

May 4, 2014

And yet so many people have tried to make me feel bad.

After getting a better feel for the situation, I think the smartest thing to do is have women that are waiting 'the next vine' but don't actually be involved with them. That way I wouldn't be cheating on my GF.

SD, if you wanted to take your dancing to the next level, perhaps by entering a major competition, who would you take lessons from? Somebody who is a very successful dancer who has won numerous competitions, or somebody who is a relative newcomer to dancing and rarely wins anything.

The same thing goes for relationships. If you want a successful long term relationship leading to marriage and children, shouldn't you be listening to the advice of people who are well along the same road? You've been on LS long enough to know which of the people giving you advice here are in happy and successful relationships. So what causes you to ignore their advice?

If you insist on going the 'girl in the wings' route, lets look at it realistically. How are you going to make this happen? You keep saying that you can't get a woman, even for casual sex, so how are you planning to find one woman to be in a relationship with, and another to sit on the side lines, who likes you so much she's prepared to stay single 'just in case' your relationship doesn't work out?

Think about it SD. None of this makes any sense at all!

May 4, 2014

SD, if you wanted to take your dancing to the next level, perhaps by entering a major competition, who would you take lessons from? Somebody who is a very successful dancer who has won numerous competitions, or somebody who is a relative newcomer to dancing and rarely wins anything.

The same thing goes for relationships. If you want a successful long term relationship leading to marriage and children, shouldn't you be listening to the advice of people who are well along the same road? You've been on LS long enough to know which of the people giving you advice here are in happy and successful relationships. So what causes you to ignore their advice?

I have no idea who is in a successful long term relationship. I don't really know off the top of my head who is married or not. Actually I'm pretty sure that none of the guys are in serious relationships, except for that one who is always an ass to me.

If you insist on going the 'girl in the wings' route, lets look at it realistically. How are you going to make this happen? You keep saying that you can't get a woman, even for casual sex, so how are you planning to find one woman to be in a relationship with, and another to sit on the side lines, who likes you so much she's prepared to stay single 'just in case' your relationship doesn't work out?

Think about it SD. None of this makes any sense at all!

I have already answered that question over and over in this thread.

May 4, 2014

I have no idea who is in a successful long term relationship. I don't really know off the top of my head who is married or not. Actually I'm pretty sure that none of the guys are in serious relationships, except for that one who is always an ass to me.

Well, just for starters, xxoo has been happily married for about twenty years, Elswyth has been in a very successful and happy LTR with her guy for at least five years (maybe more Els?), Million.to.1 is now with the love of her life who she met whilst travelling overseas - I've 'liked' all of their posts (because I think they're giving great advice) and I'm also in a happy LTR. KFJ, who is happily married, is an 'ass' to you because he is frustrated by your apparent refusal to take on board all the great advice that people give you on LS.

I have already answered that question over and over in this thread.

I've read the whole thread - I guess I must have missed those bits!

May 4, 2014

I just can't imagine being serious about someone, and keeping at least one guy waiting in the wings "just in case".

May 4, 2014

Well, just for starters, xxoo has been happily married for about twenty years, Elswyth has been in a very successful and happy LTR with her guy for at least five years (maybe more Els?),

I have responded well to almost all of xxoo posts and most of Elswyth's.

Million.to.1 is now with the love of her life who she met whilst travelling overseas

Her posts have been inconsistent some helpful, some not and bordering on rude.

- I've 'liked' all of their posts (because I think they're giving great advice) and I'm also in a happy LTR. KFJ, who is happily married, is an 'ass' to you because he is frustrated by your apparent refusal to take on board all the great advice that people give you on LS.

I don't care what his reason is, he went over the line with the post I quoted. Nobody can talk to me like that. I wasn't joking about ignoring him.

I've read the whole thread - I guess I must have missed those bits!

Then I'll say it again.

When I'm happily in a relationship I am more attractive to women for a variety of reasons.

I thought the first post in my thread explained that well enough. Several other people understood what my point was.

May 4, 2014

I just can't imagine being serious about someone, and keeping at least one guy waiting in the wings "just in case".

It's probably because you don't expect guys to leave you.

Every girl I have ever liked, regardless if I was in a relationship with her or not has left me and cut all contact.

It should be obvious what my main fear is and why I want to prepare myself for it.

May 4, 2014

It's probably because you don't expect guys to leave you.

Every girl I have ever liked, regardless if I was in a relationship with her or not has left me and cut all contact.

It should be obvious what my main fear is and why I want to prepare myself for it.

I don't even go out on dates, because I feel like a disappointment. My life is really messed up, and I'm older than you are. Whereas people have trouble getting through to you, regarding the answers to your problems, I know most of mine, and can project a negative outcome much too easily, shooting myself in the foot that way.

May 4, 2014

I don't even go out on dates, because I feel like a disappointment. My life is really messed up, and I'm older than you are. Whereas people have trouble getting through to you, regarding the answers to your problems, I know most of mine, and can project a negative outcome much too easily, shooting myself in the foot that way.

Sounds like we both have issues we need to work on.

BTW, I know most of my own problems as well.

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How horrible is it to have a girl on the side in case your girlfriend leaves you?

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