How horrible is it to have a girl on the side in case your girlfriend leaves you?

[Weezy1973]

I surprised her with flowers on an early date. I don't really know much about sweet gestures. Though, if she dumped me because she thought I liked her too much, wouldn't doing those things make the situation even worse to her?

 

Just for future reference, she didn't dump you because you liked her too much. She dumped you because she didn't like you enough.

[somedude81]

I'm not trying hard, no. But if it was easy, I would have a boyfriend, wouldn't I? Because one would just fall on my lap!

But that's not the way it works.

 

I do look at every guy I'm attracted to as a potential partner. The wheels turn in my head "could he be it?" The answer is mostly no, due to a series of factors, not all down to me.

Of course it doesn't, I didn't say it was.

 

Something can be easy to get even if you have to put in effort. You just don't have to work really hard.

 

For me, easy would be meeting a girl in one of my classes who is open and friendly with me. I ask her out, she says yes. We go on dates, have fun, then get into a relationship.

 

I don't expect women to ask me out then plan dates and try to get me into bed.

 

And if you think having sex would help you, then why aren't you having sex??

Do you think I'm not trying to find girls to have sex with?

 

I haven't willingly chosen to go without sex for five months. Granted, I haven't been going to bars or dance clubs looking for a quick lay. Though I did in the past and never had any luck.

 

Having sex can accentuate the pain of being single. A bit of a "always the bridesmaid, never the bride" kind of thing. I know I've felt it before.

Do you get that feeling when you have sex with a guy you want more from, but he doesn't feel the same way? How often do you have the bridesmaid feeling?

 

Do you ever feel satisfied from having casual sex?

 

Just because I have regular sex, it doesn't mean dating is easy for me and that I'll have no problem finding a meaningful relationship.

I'm saying, because you are having regular sex, you have less drive to find a relationship.

 

Regular sex + close friendships is about 2/3rds of having a meaningful relationship.

 

If you went without sex for six months or so, I'm sure you'd have more desire to get a BF.

 

You seem to think that if people aren't in the deep pain you are, then it's all fine and dandy for them.

 

Well, newflash, it's not! The difference is, I am happy with my life. Would I be happier in a relationship? Maybe. But I'm not about to jump into one just for the sake of it. I have interests and friends and a fairly busy social life that allows me to be happy until my knight in shinning armour comes along!

Even if things aren't fine and dandy, at least they aren't in deep pain.

 

Your last sentence exemplifies the difference between men and women for dating. That's the whole meeting somebody when you aren't expecting it thing.

[somedude81]

Just for future reference, she didn't dump you because you liked her too much. She dumped you because she didn't like you enough.

Actually I think it was a combination of the two.

 

She felt that I liked her too much. She also felt that she didn't like me enough. In her mind it was too unequal.

 

If she didn't think that I liked her as much as I did, there wouldn't be the inequality, and she wouldn't have felt guilty for the level of liking me that she had.

 

Long story short, make them think that they like you more than you like them.

[ASG]

Of course it doesn't, I didn't say it was.

 

Something can be easy to get even if you have to put in effort. You just don't have to work really hard.

 

For me, easy would be meeting a girl in one of my classes who is open and friendly with me. I ask her out, she says yes. We go on dates, have fun, then get into a relationship.

 

I don't expect women to ask me out then plan dates and try to get me into bed.

 

 

Do you think I'm not trying to find girls to have sex with?

 

I haven't willingly chosen to go without sex for five months. Granted, I haven't been going to bars or dance clubs looking for a quick lay. Though I did in the past and never had any luck.

 

 

Do you get that feeling when you have sex with a guy you want more from, but he doesn't feel the same way? How often do you have the bridesmaid feeling?

 

Do you ever feel satisfied from having casual sex?

 

 

I'm saying, because you are having regular sex, you have less drive to find a relationship.

 

Regular sex + close friendships is about 2/3rds of having a meaningful relationship.

 

If you went without sex for six months or so, I'm sure you'd have more desire to get a BF.

 

 

Even if things aren't fine and dandy, at least they aren't in deep pain.

 

Your last sentence exemplifies the difference between men and women for dating. That's the whole meeting somebody when you aren't expecting it thing.

 

 

I go without sex for 6+ months often. Just because I do have casual sex, doesn't mean it's regular! Just last year I had a dry spell of 6 months! A couple of years ago it was almost a year! Not gonna lie, I was climbing the walls by then... But didn't want a boyfriend more of less. I don't NOT want a boyfriend. I would like one!

 

Like you said, sex and friends are 2/3s of a relationship, but that last bit I can't have with anyone else. And I crave it sometimes. Someone to call every night to wish goodnight, or to cuddle on the couch watching a movie... I would like to have that.

But I don't want it over everything else! And I don't want it just to say I have it. I want something real that makes me happy. Not just anything, not just a warm body...

 

The bridesmaid feeling... No, it's never happened while I was sleeping with anyone. Usually when I'm NOT sleeping with anyone and think about all the sex I've had (which I'm proud of, BTW, there is no remorse here) and think... Damn! I wish having a relationship was this easy!

 

I am often fairly satisfied with my casual sex. When I'm not (and it happens) I just move on from the particular guy that was unsatisfying and find someone else to replace him. This doesn't necessarily happen right away, mind! Just saying that I wouldn't pursue someone who didn't satisfy me.

 

 

But, again, sex is sex. And as I've also said plenty of times, sex in a relationship is at another level! And I crave that sometimes as well!

[somedude81]

One thing I want to add to my previous post.

 

I have only felt desirable to one person in my entire life. And it took me until 31 to meet that person. Then they suddenly left.

 

Think about how that would affect one's self-esteem if they experienced that.

[Phoe]

If you went without sex for six months or so, I'm sure you'd have more desire to get a BF.

 

For some women it will, for some women it won't.

 

 

For me, my desire went in phases. 6 years no boyfriend, almost 3 years no sex because I did not like casual sex.

 

 

Sometimes I got so fed up of constant loneliness that I gave up on my desire. I'd go for months without any sort of desire for either sex OR companionship.

 

 

Other times it would come back so strongly, either wanting someone to share my life with, someone by my side to enjoy the things that brought my happiness, to share that happiness with someone who would appreciate it. Other times, I was just horny. I wanted sex. But I don't have casual sex, so I'd find myself aggravated that I was single and had no one to have sex with.

 

 

It was always a constant back and forth.

[Phoe]

One thing I want to add to my previous post.

 

I have only felt desirable to one person in my entire life. And it took me until 31 to meet that person. Then they suddenly left.

 

Think about how that would affect one's self-esteem if they experienced that.

 

One thing you have very considerably lacked, which has already been mentioned just a few posts back, is that you don't realize that others go through, or have gone through the SAME feelings you are experiencing.

 

 

People have been there. Some have been through worse, some through less, but the difference is that most others have found effective ways of coping and getting through those awful feelings.

 

 

Please realize that many of us ARE capable of understanding your feelings.

 

 

My self-esteem has been destroyed by men. Whether total strangers, or men I trusted. I've been treated terribly, I've been cheated on, I've been left, I've been physically abused, I've been raped. My face and my body have been insulted many many times, by both strangers and boyfriends. I've been made fun of during sex.

 

 

Think about how you would feel if you experienced that.

[KathyM]

Well, I have three suggestions for you to help you get over this roadblock with finding a girlfriend. I would encourage you to implement all of them. Several of the men I counsel are in the same predicament you are in, only they are worse off than you. I am working with them on the same issues.

 

 

1. Increase your attractiveness level to women. You do this by building a life that is interesting/fun/exciting to women. It's time to pull out all stops and go for the exciting stuff, and you live in the perfect place to do it. Take up the more interesting/exciting hobbies (surfing, jet skiing, sailing (there are classes for that, you don't need your own boat), paragliding, mountain climbing, etc. One of my sister's boyfriends, the one she was most fascinated by and infatuated with, had all these exciting hobbies that he would share with her which made him seem like a great catch. He did boating, hockey, mountain climbing, and the more exciting sports/hobbies. He was an exciting guy who lived life to its fullest. Add to your already positive hobbies of dancing and working on building your guitar skills. Not only will that make you a more interesting/attractive person, but it will add to the quality of your life even when you are single.

 

 

2. Approach more women to engage in conversation and ask for their number. Set a goal of maybe approaching five women per day. That is not unrealistic. That is 150 women per month you are approaching. It's a numbers game, and the fewer women you attempt to engage with, the lower your chances for success. Approach women in a variety of venues (OLD, Meetup groups, clubs, activity/interest groups, and out in public.

 

 

3. If, after approaching 150 women, you get no results, it's time to adjust your standards in who you approach. I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm going to say it anyway. 2/3rds of the women in the U.S. are overweight. An additional amount would probably have features you are not particularly attracted to (glasses, average looks, etc.) Yet most of these women have boyfriends or husbands. These guys found something in these women that they were attracted to (their personality, their loving/giving nature, their passion for life, their ambition, their cooking skills, their humour, you name it). Most of the men in this country are dating women who are not cute or have great physical features, but they have other attractive qualities about them. If you've approached multiple women, let's say 150 women, and get turned down by all, it's time to adjust your standards. Sorry, but it needs to be said. You are not going to get anywhere by dating one person every 10 years, or getting one date every six months. If the thought of being with a woman who may be less than your standard of attractiveness that you seek is so repulsive to you, even though she may have other great qualities, then maybe you are destined to be single. 2/3rds or more of the population are with women you would probably reject as being not attractive enough. If you're going to shoot for that 1/3 or less, you are likely going to struggle, given that you have some strikes against you.

 

 

So my suggestion is to expand your interests. Make yourself an interesting/exciting guy. Approach more women in a variety of venues. If there is no success after this strategy, adjust your standards. There are plenty of men out there who are happy with their partner for reasons other than purely physical. If that is unthinkable, then learn to be happy as a single. That is where my first suggestion also helps.

[xxoo]

Actually I think it was a combination of the two.

 

She felt that I liked her too much. She also felt that she didn't like me enough. In her mind it was too unequal.

 

If she didn't think that I liked her as much as I did, there wouldn't be the inequality, and she wouldn't have felt guilty for the level of liking me that she had.

 

Long story short, make them think that they like you more than you like them.

 

You are wrong about this. Relationships last when both people like each other a lot. Any combination that includes one person, or both, not being very into the other won't work.

 

Her wording was kind, but what she meant was "I don't like you enough to continue dating you".

[beach]

If the guy is pretending to be committed to me but seeing others, even casually, I would deem that unacceptable.

 

If he's seeing others and has been honest that he's dating others - then I think that's perfect. I like honesty. I don't care if a guy dates others - just be honest so I can decide what I prefer based on his intentions and truth.

 

As soon as a lie is present - I'm out. It's not difficult to give honesty. That's the basis of any healthy R.

[Imajerk17]

 

 

 

I completely understand that my happiness depends on another person. That was confirmed to me very recently.

 

The only way I can be happy is in a relationship. I understand that it's a very risky way to live my life. I have put in lots of time and energy into changing that mentality to no avail. I need a woman in my life to be happy. That's just how it is.

 

THIS is what I meant when I keep saying that "a big reason why your relationship ended was that the source of all of your happiness was your girlfriend, and that turned her off". You hate it when people tell you this but unfortunately this is reality.

 

I understand this way of thinking is engrained in you. Until you change that mentality though, you are not going to be able keep a great woman. Sorry to say but true.

Edited May 3, 2014 by Imajerk17

[somedude81]

I'm glad you learned something from your very first relationship.

 

Let's be honest here for a sec. Look at your posts. Look at the stuff you say. Is it any surprise your ex dumped you? There isn't a SINGLE girl on ALL of LS...or even the entire planet that would have stuck with a guy that had your attitude.

 

One gf in 15 years. That's a horrible, horrible track record. I have friends who are complete social misfits and they've had more gfs than you have. In fact, one of them is married with kids.

 

AND you live in a socially diverse and dense area...AND you go to college.

 

Sorry for the harsh words, but you need to get out of this fantasy world you live in and take a deep breath of reality.

So I'm a completely horrible, misfit looser who will never find love.

 

Thanks KungFuJoe!

 

Welcome to my ignore list.

[xxoo]

Yes I should have been looking for more friends, both male and female. I was actually planning to put more effort into it when I was dating her once my class schedule slowed down.

 

If I was still with her this semester, I would have joined several campus clubs with the sole intention of making friends.

 

I wasn't ready to do that last year. I was taking hard classes, and the relationship was very new, and I firmly believed that she was all I needed. Towards the last month of the relationship I started to realize that I should have other people in my life as well.

 

If you could see then that you should have other people in your life, why can't you see that now? While you always need other people in your life, you need them even more when you are single than when you are in a relationship.

 

I know you don't want to. Tough. Mind over matter. You know it is what you need, you could see that clearly when you were with her, so DO IT. Life is damn hard for all of us. We have to do lots of stuff we don't want to do. If I could lay in bed until 2 pm and eat potato chips, I might actually like that for a while, but my life would be crap. My life is good because I got up off my butt and did the things I needed to do to build an enjoyable life, with money and people who care about me and a nice house and a healthy body and a job I enjoy well enough (although not as much as laying in bed eating potato chips!).

[somedude81]

For some women it will, for some women it won't.

 

 

For me, my desire went in phases. 6 years no boyfriend, almost 3 years no sex because I did not like casual sex.

 

 

Sometimes I got so fed up of constant loneliness that I gave up on my desire. I'd go for months without any sort of desire for either sex OR companionship.

OK, then it sounds like I was mistaken, because it really depends on the individual.

 

How did it feel to have no desire for sex or companionship?

 

My desire for those has never gone away, and constantly nagging at me. I wonder if I would have been able to get more done in my life if I had been able to just stop caring. Maybe if I didn't have the huge desire to get a GF my depression would be gone as well.

 

Unfortunately I'm now too old for that desire to go away because I'm running out of time. I'd like to get married and hopefully have a kid before I'm 40.

 

Other times it would come back so strongly, either wanting someone to share my life with, someone by my side to enjoy the things that brought my happiness, to share that happiness with someone who would appreciate it. Other times, I was just horny. I wanted sex. But I don't have casual sex, so I'd find myself aggravated that I was single and had no one to have sex with.

You do know what it's like.

 

Those are the feelings I've had every single day since I was a teenager.

 

Though I had to settle for "casual sex" or else I would have been a virgin until 31.

 

Though If I could, I would erase all my sexual history and have my ex GF be the only person I've ever slept with. At least she was the first woman I ever made love to.

 

Before I met her, I had a five year break of no sex because I just wasn't fulfilled with what I had been doing before and I wanted to have sex the right way, with somebody I really cared about.

[somedude81]

One thing you have very considerably lacked, which has already been mentioned just a few posts back, is that you don't realize that others go through, or have gone through the SAME feelings you are experiencing.

A few pages back?

 

Sorry, I'm kind of in a daze. To me, this thread goes in waves and I focus on a certain theme and forget what happened before.

 

I do admit that I am lacking empathy about other peoples problems. My issues tend to dominate my mind, though there a few select individuals that I pay attention to.

 

People have been there. Some have been through worse, some through less, but the difference is that most others have found effective ways of coping and getting through those awful feelings.

 

 

Please realize that many of us ARE capable of understanding your feelings.

 

 

My self-esteem has been destroyed by men. Whether total strangers, or men I trusted. I've been treated terribly, I've been cheated on, I've been left, I've been physically abused, I've been raped. My face and my body have been insulted many many times, by both strangers and boyfriends. I've been made fun of during sex.

 

 

Think about how you would feel if you experienced that.

You've had it very very rough Phoe. I've never denied that. It's truly horrible the way men have treated you.

 

How would I feel if I experienced what you did? Probably the same way I do now. We've both experienced deep pain. Just different types of it.

 

How have you coped and gotten through those feelings?

[Phoe]

How did it feel to have no desire for sex or companionship?

 

It felt bad.

 

 

It felt pretty dang bad to have become so fed up and so apathetic that I just became numb and stopped giving a sh*t about whether I could ever have those things.

 

 

It's never pleasant to no longer care.

 

 

 

 

I prefer caring. Because when I care, I have motivation to DO something about it.

[somedude81]

I go without sex for 6+ months often. Just because I do have casual sex, doesn't mean it's regular! Just last year I had a dry spell of 6 months! A couple of years ago it was almost a year! Not gonna lie, I was climbing the walls by then... But didn't want a boyfriend more of less. I don't NOT want a boyfriend. I would like one!

For some reason I'm really surprised that you went without sex for so long. Was there nobody around you were interested in?

 

Why do you say you don't want a boyfriend?

Like you said, sex and friends are 2/3s of a relationship, but that last bit I can't have with anyone else. And I crave it sometimes. Someone to call every night to wish goodnight, or to cuddle on the couch watching a movie... I would like to have that.

But I don't want it over everything else! And I don't want it just to say I have it. I want something real that makes me happy. Not just anything, not just a warm body...

So you'd like the other 1/3, but you don't want it. But you crave it sometimes.

 

LOL, I'm getting confused just reading your post.

 

BTW just in case your insinuating it, want something that makes me happy as well, and not just a warm body.

 

The bridesmaid feeling... No, it's never happened while I was sleeping with anyone. Usually when I'm NOT sleeping with anyone and think about all the sex I've had (which I'm proud of, BTW, there is no remorse here) and think... Damn! I wish having a relationship was this easy!

Oh, then I had the wrong idea about the feeling.

 

It thought it was the same as the common one many women post about on this forum where they developed feelings for their FWB.

I am often fairly satisfied with my casual sex. When I'm not (and it happens) I just move on from the particular guy that was unsatisfying and find someone else to replace him. This doesn't necessarily happen right away, mind! Just saying that I wouldn't pursue someone who didn't satisfy me.

I wasn't really talking about the quality of the sex, just that it must have felt good to actually have it.

 

It never even occurred to me change partners and find somebody new if the current one isn't good enough.

[somedude81]

So my suggestion is to expand your interests. Make yourself an interesting/exciting guy. Approach more women in a variety of venues. If there is no success after this strategy, adjust your standards. There are plenty of men out there who are happy with their partner for reasons other than purely physical. If that is unthinkable, then learn to be happy as a single. That is where my first suggestion also helps.

Are you really suggesting that I pick up sailing and paragliding etc, to be more interesting to women?

 

I don't know what to say to that. It just seems so fake.

 

I have though about doing the cold approach thing. I even made a thread about it. It just doesn't seem the right thing for me. Getting rejected by 5 women a day would just destroy my self-esteem. Though what I can do is look for more activities where I can interact and get to know women. My dance classes are over so I'm going to need to find somewhere else to meet women.

 

Adjusting my standards isn't going to work. I can't pursue women I'm not attracted to.

[somedude81]

THIS is what I meant when I keep saying that "a big reason why your relationship ended was that the source of all of your happiness was your girlfriend, and that turned her off". You hate it when people tell you this but unfortunately this is reality.

 

I understand this way of thinking is engrained in you. Until you change that mentality though, you are not going to be able keep a great woman. Sorry to say but true.

I addressed this point earlier when I asked, how would she know, or why would she even think that she was the source of all my happiness?

 

Nobody has given me an answer.

[somedude81]

If you could see then that you should have other people in your life, why can't you see that now? While you always need other people in your life, you need them even more when you are single than when you are in a relationship.

 

I know you don't want to. Tough. Mind over matter. You know it is what you need, you could see that clearly when you were with her, so DO IT. Life is damn hard for all of us. We have to do lots of stuff we don't want to do. If I could lay in bed until 2 pm and eat potato chips, I might actually like that for a while, but my life would be crap. My life is good because I got up off my butt and did the things I needed to do to build an enjoyable life, with money and people who care about me and a nice house and a healthy body and a job I enjoy well enough (although not as much as laying in bed eating potato chips!).

I do see it now. I've never denied that friends were important.

 

What I've been saying, is that getting a girlfriend is much more important to me. All of my energy is going towards getting a GF. Once that is accomplished I'll start looking for friends.

 

That's what I was planning on doing but the bitch left me.

[ASG]

For some reason I'm really surprised that you went without sex for so long. Was there nobody around you were interested in?

 

Why do you say you don't want a boyfriend?

 

So you'd like the other 1/3, but you don't want it. But you crave it sometimes.

 

LOL, I'm getting confused just reading your post.

 

BTW just in case your insinuating it, want something that makes me happy as well, and not just a warm body.

 

 

Oh, then I had the wrong idea about the feeling.

 

It thought it was the same as the common one many women post about on this forum where they developed feelings for their FWB.

 

I wasn't really talking about the quality of the sex, just that it must have felt good to actually have it.

 

It never even occurred to me change partners and find somebody new if the current one isn't good enough.

 

You misread me. I said I don't NOT want a boyfriend. Double negative, which means I do want a boyfriend. But I worded it that way because, even though I would like a boyfriend, it is not my life's mission to find one. I am quite happy on my own and if I do get into a relationship, I want it to be a good one and not just "a" relationship.

 

As for the dry spell... yeah, it happens. It actually happens a lot! 3/4 months is a regular occurrence. Like I've said before, I don't troll for sex. And no, last year there was no one I was interested in (or if I was, they weren't).

Just because one is ok with casual sex, doesn't mean sex will be forthcoming. Actually, thinking about it, from September 2012 to September 2013 I got laid exactly ONCE! That's a bit of a scary thought!

 

 

As for the bridesmaid feeling, no, I've never associated it with developing feelings for a FWB (which has happened). I'm too pragmatic. I am usually a good reader and can tell if things are going to develop or not. And with most FWB I know they aren't. If I do develop feelings I find ways to cope and get over it. Usually I make it a point of not being exclusive.

 

Last time I was in such a situation was when I was in my early 20's though. I liked the guy, but could tell it wasn't going beyond sex. So i made sure I had as much sex as I could, with or without him. After about 10 months, I'd had enough of him and "dumped" him, only to have his friend guilt trip me into carrying on our FWB. I gave it one more shot, found the sex to be lacking and moved on completely. He chased me for months afterwards and I'm sure a relationship would have developed then, only I wasn't interested anymore.

[ASG]

I do see it now. I've never denied that friends were important.

 

What I've been saying, is that getting a girlfriend is much more important to me. All of my energy is going towards getting a GF. Once that is accomplished I'll start looking for friends.

 

That's what I was planning on doing but the bitch left me.

 

But getting friends will probably make getting a girlfriend easier!

[Imajerk17]

I addressed this point earlier when I asked, how would she know, or why would she even think that she was the source of all my happiness?

 

Nobody has given me an answer.

 

1. Didn't she herself say that it was clear you liked her more than she liked you? For one thing...

 

2. When she went out with her friends, what did you do?

 

3. What did she think your interests/hobbies/passions were?

[Imajerk17]

I addressed this point earlier when I asked, how would she know, or why would she even think that she was the source of all my happiness?

 

Nobody has given me an answer.

 

1. Didn't she herself say that it was clear you liked her more than she liked you? For one thing... Anyway that is a big sign that said to her that you didn't have much going on besides her.

 

2. When she went out with her friends, what did you do?

 

3. What did she think your interests/hobbies/passions were?

Edited May 3, 2014 by Imajerk17

[somedude81]

1. Didn't she herself say that it was clear you liked her more than she liked you? For one thing...

That's not even close to the same thing.

 

That just meant that my feelings for her were stronger than her feelings for me.

 

2. When she went out with her friends, what did you do?

We only saw each other about three days a week. So I didn't really know when she was out with her friends or just staying home binge watching a show. I think she was just as much of a homebody that I was.

 

We each did our own separate things.

3. What did she think your interests/hobbies/passions were?

Dancing, video games, hiking, going on bike rides, goofy stuff online, Japanese culture and anime.

 

She also knew that I spent a lot of time at school and doing homework.

 

She never once even hinted that I gave her too much attention and needed other things in my life.

Edited May 3, 2014 by somedude81