How horrible is it to have a girl on the side in case your girlfriend leaves you?

[somedude81]

I did list some of them, as suggestions of what you should do in the future. Your response was that you did half of them and that some women stay with abusers, so not doing all of them 'wasn't an excuse' for your ex leaving.

This list?

 

1) Drive to her sometimes instead of just sitting back and letting her drive to you all the time

2) Stop letting her cook all the time and learn to cook and make something nice for her

3) Or if you absolutely can't do #2 then bring her out for some nice dinners, stop going dutch all the time

4) Plan more romantic dates instead of just sitting at home watching TV most of the time

5) Surprise her with some sweet gestures occasionally - flowers, breakfast in bed, etc.

6) Spend time working on yourself - working out, learning a new skill, share it with her.

Those are the reasons why many women wouldn't be happy with the relationship?

 

1) I could have done differently.

2) She loved to cook for me and she always had me help which I was more than happy to. Every once in a while I did cook for her

3) I'd saw we went dutch 2/3 of the time. The other 1/3 I paid. Even then, I really doubt a woman would care if we go dutch when we are in an established relationship.

4) Was hard to do because of her schedule. Though I did plan dates whenever we could. We had day trips and night time activities.

 

I tried for a month to get her to go Tango dancing with me but she always worked on the nights the lessons were offered. Frankly I think she should have requested one of those nights off in advance so that we could go.

 

5) I surprised her with flowers on an early date. I don't really know much about sweet gestures. Though, if she dumped me because she thought I liked her too much, wouldn't doing those things make the situation even worse to her?

 

6) My skill was getting better at many forms of dancing, though we didn't go out as often as I would have liked. Not my fault.

 

I bought a guitar and started to learn how to play about two weeks before she dumped me. I really wanted to impress her with that.

 

Are there any others you were thinking about that many women would not be happy with?

[Els]

This list?

 

 

Those are the reasons why many women wouldn't be happy with the relationship?

 

1) I could have done differently.

2) She loved to cook for me and she always had me help which I was more than happy to. Every once in a while I did cook for her

3) I'd saw we went dutch 2/3 of the time. The other 1/3 I paid. Even then, I really doubt a woman would care if we go dutch when we are in an established relationship.

4) Was hard to do because of her schedule. Though I did plan dates whenever we could. We had day trips and night time activities.

 

I tried for a month to get her to go Tango dancing with me but she always worked on the nights the lessons were offered. Frankly I think she should have requested one of those nights off in advance so that we could go.

 

5) I surprised her with flowers on an early date. I don't really know much about sweet gestures. Though, if she dumped me because she thought I liked her too much, wouldn't doing those things make the situation even worse to her?

 

6) My skill was getting better at many forms of dancing, though we didn't go out as often as I would have liked. Not my fault.

 

I bought a guitar and started to learn how to play about two weeks before she dumped me. I really wanted to impress her with that.

 

Are there any others you were thinking about that many women would not be happy with?

 

Okay, first off, I think you should stop analyzing her leaving. There is a reason I talked about suggestions for the future, and what other women might or might not like.

 

1) Her driving to you almost all the time is a big thing, a really really big thing. I doubt I would have stayed a month if we both had cars but I was the only one driving to the guy.

2) If she is cooking for you 90% of the time, you should put in the effort to do other sweet things for her.

3) Some women do care if you go dutch most of the time, some don't. But if cooking is 90/10 her, it makes sense that paying would be 90/10 you.

4) Fair enough.

5) Learn more about them.

6) Also fair enough.

 

Basically, the point is that many women like effort. Also when you graduate and get a job, it will help heaps.

Edited May 2, 2014 by Elswyth

[somedude81]

Okay, first off, I think you should stop analyzing her leaving. There is a reason I talked about suggestions for the future, and what other women might or might not like.

 

1) Her driving to you almost all the time is a big thing, a really really big thing. I doubt I would have stayed a month if we both had cars but I was the only one driving to the guy.

2) If she is cooking for you 90% of the time, you should put in the effort to do other sweet things for her.

3) Some women do care if you go dutch most of the time, some don't. But if cooking is 90/10 her, it makes sense that paying would be 90/10 you.

4) Fair enough.

5) Learn more about them.

6) Also fair enough.

 

Basically, the point is that many women like effort. Also when you graduate and get a job, it will help heaps.

Don't get me wrong, she didn't drive to me 90% of the time. I made sure to look for and plan events in her area so she wouldn't have to come to me. I'd say it was about 60/40 with her driving the most. The only thing I didn't to was drive to her area when we'd only have a couple of hours to spend together. Doing that would have given us an extra day a week to see each other.

 

At this point I still don't know if doing more sweet things would have looked good or bad to her. Frankly when she was giving me the breakup talk, she kept saying how sweet I was Maybe I did lots of sweet things which just came naturally to me, which is why I they don't really stand out to me, but they did to her?

 

And yes, a big reason why we went dutch so often was because she had a job and I didn't. It didn't really matter to her. She made it very clear to me in the beginning that me buying dinners and gifts for her wasn't something she really cared about. Getting gifts was not her love language.

 

BTW, when I first said "OK, please tell me what the things are that many women wouldn't be happy with so I can change them." I wasn't thinking about analyzing why my ex left. I do want to think about the future and try to take care of reasons why many women would be unhappy.

[Els]

 

BTW, when I first said "OK, please tell me what the things are that many women wouldn't be happy with so I can change them." I wasn't thinking about analyzing why my ex left. I do want to think about the future and try to take care of reasons why many women would be unhappy.

 

Okay, that's great.

 

So, on your agenda:

 

1) Graduate, get a job

2) Learn to cook better

3) Ask women out

4) Do those different things that you planned

5) Work out, maybe?

 

Now, these are obviously not guarantees that the next R will work; there are never any guarantees in life, for men or women. But they'll certainly help your odds.

[xxoo]

Rationally, this makes sense, but emotionally, all that comes out is that what SHE feels/likes/wants has tremendous power while what HE feels/likes/wants has none. How does he pick himself up so this feeling of powerlessness doesn't carry over into the next dating opportunity?

 

Each has the power to choose if he or she wants to be in the relationship . Neither has the power to force the other to stay.

 

The power is equal. The desire was unequal.

 

How to deal with feelings of powerlessness: accept that we can not force others to stay, but we can inspire them to stay. But accept that we are truly powerless to keep someone who wants to leave. It's true for every single one of us.

[Leigh 87]

Somedude,

 

I find it interesting that you made a thread about wanting a back up girl/girl on the side in case your primary girls breaks up with you; it is as clear as day that you totally WOULDN'T be down with that.

 

You liked your ex way too much to have been able to have screwed around with another woman. If you want a truly loving relationship where both people are legitimately IN love in the best possible way, then you have to suck it up and risk losing them and then not having a "back up option. That's what normal people do. Emotionally normal folks who are madly in love just don't want to entertain more than one woman at a time...

 

However, some people are wired differently and even when their greatest level of love is reached with a particular woman, these people SILL do better in a poly amorous scenario.

 

Are you wired that way, Somedude?

 

If you are crazy about a girl and fall genuinely in love, would you honestly be able to hang out with your girlfriend every weekend, fall madly in love, and then think about OTHER women?

[somedude81]

I'm tired of feeling miserable, depressed. I'm sick of hating her. There is so much anger in me it's disgusting.

 

I just want to move on with my life and have another girlfriend. But in the five months that I've been single, I haven't been able to even spend any time with a girl. I have no idea at all when I'll have female companionship again. There is a huge chance I'd end up stuck being single for over a year.

 

That is why I was thinking that if I had gotten a back up girl when I was with my ex, I would have somebody now. Because right now, the odds aren't looking that good for me to get another GF at all.

[Million.to.1]

I have no idea at all when I'll have female companionship again. There is a huge chance I'd end up stuck being single for over a year.

 

Because right now, the odds aren't looking that good for me to get another GF at all.

 

You know, it might be 2 years! or even 3!!

 

I went as long as 7 years once. 7 years single! No relationship! from age 25-32. I dated a couple of people, only very briefly, during that whole time.

But geez, I am SO glad I didn't waste all that time feeling sorry for myself and wishing I had had a boyfriend, ANY boyfriend. I'm glad I got on with the things i wanted for myself and enjoyed my freedom. I traveled 9 different countries by myself, meet all sorts of wonderful people, including my now BF and love of my life. He moved across the world for me.

 

If i hadn't been enjoying my life, I wouldn't have met him.

 

 

GO ENJOY YOUR LIFE SOMEDUDE.

[Woggle]

Don't deceive and play with people like this. Just focus on being a success and having fun on your own and a woman will come.

[Els]

I traveled 9 different countries by myself, meet all sorts of wonderful people, including my now BF and love of my life. He moved across the world for me.

 

Oh, yeah, this too.

 

Have you ever traveled out of your country, SD (by yourself or with friends, not tagging along with parents as a kid)? If you haven't, you should. It's an awesome experience, and it'll do you heaps of good.

[ThaWholigan]

I hate to be the party pooper, but we've suggested all this stuff to SD millions of times and every time he's rebuffed saying "but I NEED a GF. I can't be happy without one :(".

 

Until he learns to find worth without relying on a girl for it, this will continue.

[somedude81]

You know, it might be 2 years! or even 3!!

 

I went as long as 7 years once. 7 years single! No relationship! from age 25-32. I dated a couple of people, only very briefly, during that whole time.

But geez, I am SO glad I didn't waste all that time feeling sorry for myself and wishing I had had a boyfriend, ANY boyfriend. I'm glad I got on with the things i wanted for myself and enjoyed my freedom. I traveled 9 different countries by myself, meet all sorts of wonderful people, including my now BF and love of my life. He moved across the world for me.

 

If i hadn't been enjoying my life, I wouldn't have met him.

 

 

GO ENJOY YOUR LIFE SOMEDUDE.

And I've been single from 13 to 31 against my will. I tried to do things to enjoy my life, but I wasn't happy.

 

I can't spend years upon years single again. It just breaks me down.

 

It's amazing how few people understand how much it hurts to be involuntarily single for such a long period of time.

Edited May 3, 2014 by somedude81

[ASG]

And I've been single from 13 to 31. I tired to do things to enjoy my life, but I wasn't happy.

 

I can't spend years upon years single again. It just breaks me down.

 

The thing is, since you're not happy within yourself, it's unlikely for you to find a girlfriend. It's a catch 22 thing. You can't be happy without a girlfriend, but if you're not happy, chances are no girl will want to be your girlfriend...

 

So you might very well spend years upon years single again.

 

Specially if you don't do anything else except obsess about getting a girlfriend

[somedude81]

The thing is, since you're not happy within yourself, it's unlikely for you to find a girlfriend. It's a catch 22 thing. You can't be happy without a girlfriend, but if you're not happy, chances are no girl will want to be your girlfriend...

 

So you might very well spend years upon years single again.

 

Specially if you don't do anything else except obsess about getting a girlfriend

I'm extremely aware of the catch 22. The concept in this thread was thought of as a way to get out of it.

 

Somehow despite feeling miserable, I landed an amazing GF. It didn't take long for the bitterness, anger and misery to go away. If I had half a brain I would have been looking for another girl in that time period to prepare myself for when my GF would inevitably leave me.

 

It took a very long time for me to get struck by lightning, and it might take just as long for it to strike again.

 

Right now I'm just in a very low point in my life after getting dumped and I'm failing at coping with that. I no longer care about her at all, but the experiences and joy I had when she was in my life. I miss the relationship.

 

Getting happy enough on my own to attract an emotionally healthy, single woman is going to be extremely difficult.

[ThaWholigan]

 

It's amazing how few people understand how much it hurts to be involuntarily single for such a long period of time.

 

Bollocks, SD.

 

Maybe for you it hurts because you have your happiness on a conditional basis. For someone like me, it does not hurt. You know why?

 

Because my life doesn't revolve around getting a GF.

 

I doubt we will ever get through to you about this so you really will have to learn to suck it up unfortunately.

[somedude81]

Bollocks, SD.

 

Maybe for you it hurts because you have your happiness on a conditional basis. For someone like me, it does not hurt. You know why?

 

Because my life doesn't revolve around getting a GF.

 

I doubt we will ever get through to you about this so you really will have to learn to suck it up unfortunately.

Have you been involuntarily single?

 

Or content being single?

 

How much effort have you put in recently to try and get a GF?

[ASG]

I'm extremely aware of the catch 22. The concept in this thread was thought of as a way to get out of it.

 

Somehow despite feeling miserable, I landed an amazing GF. It didn't take long for the bitterness, anger and misery to go away. If I had half a brain I would have been looking for another girl in that time period to prepare myself for when my GF would inevitably leave me.

 

It took a very long time for me to get struck by lightning, and it might take just as long for it to strike again.

 

Right now I'm just in a very low point in my life after getting dumped and I'm failing at coping with that. I no longer care about her at all, but the experiences and joy I had when she was in my life. I miss the relationship.

 

Getting happy enough on my own to attract an emotionally healthy, single woman is going to be extremely difficult.

 

 

Honestly, talking to you is like talking to a wall... We've been over this over and over and over... And you still don't care and will do nothing to change your outlook on life.

 

And you know what? *I'm* a happy person within myself and even I have trouble finding a relationship. Not that I look very hard, mind. But it's not easy, even for me, a fairly attractive woman who isn't depressed or unhappy.

I've been single 3 years now. It might change soon, it might not. But I'm ok either way.

 

Will you be? You need help!

[somedude81]

Honestly, talking to you is like talking to a wall... We've been over this over and over and over... And you still don't care and will do nothing to change your outlook on life.

 

And you know what? *I'm* a happy person within myself and even I have trouble finding a relationship. Not that I look very hard, mind. But it's not easy, even for me, a fairly attractive woman who isn't depressed or unhappy.

I've been single 3 years now. It might change soon, it might not. But I'm ok either way.

 

Will you be? You need help!

BTW, when you mean single, you also mean not having any sex right?

[ThaWholigan]

Have you been involuntarily single?

 

Yes, pretty much. I'm not exactly LTR material in a status-wise sense.

 

Or content being single?[/Quote]

 

Yes, I'm pretty content - but that's because I have interests outside of a GF.

 

How much effort have you put in recently to try and get a GF?

 

Not much since summer last year. As I've said - not quite LTR material at this point.

 

You mention how your bitterness went away when you had a GF. You still don't understand - your happiness depends on another person. That is dangerous and you MUST rectify that. Its like investing stock in a highly unstable asset that becomes a liability.

 

I don't think you will ever understand or try to change this. You don't seem willing to understand or accept that you cannot depend on getting a GF to make you happy.

[xxoo]

Somehow despite feeling miserable, I landed an amazing GF. It didn't take long for the bitterness, anger and misery to go away. If I had half a brain I would have been looking for another girl in that time period to prepare myself for when my GF would inevitably leave me.

 

Looking for another woman would be tremendously shady, and also would be much harder than you think for you to do while dating. Cheating tends to blow up on people.

 

But I do think that you should have used that happy point in your life to broaden your social network and make some friends. Yes, those friends would include women. And yes, having those friends would help you find your next girlfriend. And also support you and distract you during the break up.

 

And unlike trolling for women while in a relationship, making friends will make you MORE attractive to your girlfriend and will increase the chance of your relationship succeeding.

[ASG]

BTW, when you mean single, you also mean not having any sex right?

 

No, of course not. The two are unrelated. Being in a relationship is a lot more than having sex.

I cannot wait to see where you're going with this!

[somedude81]

Yes, pretty much. I'm not exactly LTR material in a status-wise sense.

What do you mean by that?

 

 

Yes, I'm pretty content - but that's because I have interests outside of a GF.

 

 

 

Not much since summer last year. As I've said - not quite LTR material at this point.

That's my point, if you are content being single, and haven't put in any effort, then you're not single against your choice. You are choosing to be single.

 

I'm trying really hard to stop being single, but I only have so much energy.

 

 

 

You mention how your bitterness went away when you had a GF. You still don't understand - your happiness depends on another person. That is dangerous and you MUST rectify that. Its like investing stock in a highly unstable asset that becomes a liability.

 

I don't think you will ever understand or try to change this. You don't seem willing to understand or accept that you cannot depend on getting a GF to make you happy.

I completely understand that my happiness depends on another person. That was confirmed to me very recently.

 

The only way I can be happy is in a relationship. I understand that it's a very risky way to live my life. I have put in lots of time and energy into changing that mentality to no avail. I need a woman in my life to be happy. That's just how it is.

[somedude81]

Looking for another woman would be tremendously shady, and also would be much harder than you think for you to do while dating. Cheating tends to blow up on people.

 

But I do think that you should have used that happy point in your life to broaden your social network and make some friends. Yes, those friends would include women. And yes, having those friends would help you find your next girlfriend. And also support you and distract you during the break up.

 

And unlike trolling for women while in a relationship, making friends will make you MORE attractive to your girlfriend and will increase the chance of your relationship succeeding.

Yes I should have been looking for more friends, both male and female. I was actually planning to put more effort into it when I was dating her once my class schedule slowed down.

 

If I was still with her this semester, I would have joined several campus clubs with the sole intention of making friends.

 

I wasn't ready to do that last year. I was taking hard classes, and the relationship was very new, and I firmly believed that she was all I needed. Towards the last month of the relationship I started to realize that I should have other people in my life as well.

[somedude81]

No, of course not. The two are unrelated. Being in a relationship is a lot more than having sex.

I cannot wait to see where you're going with this!

Having sex can ease the pain of being single, or completely remove it depending on how fulfilled you are by the sex.

 

If I had a FWB or a few booty calls I could see on a semi-regular basis, I probably wouldn't be feeling nearly as bad as I do now.

 

Having frequent sex does a lot of good things for the human body and mind.

 

Your previous post said that it's not easy for you and you're having trouble, but that you aren't trying. Those two cancel each other out.

[ASG]

Having sex can ease the pain of being single, or completely remove it depending on how fulfilled you are by the sex.

 

If I had a FWB or a few booty calls I could see on a semi-regular basis, I probably wouldn't be feeling nearly as bad as I do now.

 

Having frequent sex does a lot of good things for the human body and mind.

 

Your previous post said that it's not easy for you and you're having trouble, but that you aren't trying. Those two cancel each other out.

 

I'm not trying hard, no. But if it was easy, I would have a boyfriend, wouldn't I? Because one would just fall on my lap!

But that's not the way it works.

I do look at every guy I'm attracted to as a potential partner. The wheels turn in my head "could he be it?" The answer is mostly no, due to a series of factors, not all down to me.

 

 

And if you think having sex would help you, then why aren't you having sex??

 

Having sex can accentuate the pain of being single. A bit of a "always the bridesmaid, never the bride" kind of thing. I know I've felt it before.

 

Just because I have regular sex, it doesn't mean dating is easy for me and that I'll have no problem finding a meaningful relationship.

You seem to think that if people aren't in the deep pain you are, then it's all fine and dandy for them.

 

Well, newflash, it's not! The difference is, I am happy with my life. Would I be happier in a relationship? Maybe. But I'm not about to jump into one just for the sake of it. I have interests and friends and a fairly busy social life that allows me to be happy until my knight in shinning armour comes along!