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How horrible is it to have a girl on the side in case your girlfriend leaves you?

somedude81

By somedude81
in General Relationship Discussion

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xxoo Established Member

xxoo

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No, 6 months isn't too long. The first 2-4 months are fun and exciting, new sex partner, getting comfy with each other. The next few months are seeing if there is longer term interest and/or potential. And if there isn't on one persons side, it ends. That's the BEST result, actually. Sometimes people stay with someone they don't love just to have someone and not be alone. That's worse.

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GoodOnPaper Established Member

GoodOnPaper

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Shouldn't she have figured out much sooner that I wasn't right for her? Six months seems like a pretty long time to come to that decision.

 

It's not fair for her to decide that I wasn't right for her without even giving me a chance to change whatever it was I was doing wrong.

 

I just don't understand how she can suddenly decide that there is no future between us and ditch me like I was a stranger.

 

I agree, but that's just what younger women do. I went through the same thing with my GFs in college. I don't get the idea of playing at relationships if you have an endgame in mind. If things are going well, you should keep going . . . period. When things stop going well, then that's another thing.

 

I would never do to a woman what she did to me.

 

I had the same philosophy -- just don't let it get you in a bind when someday you date someone who is more interested in you than you are in her.

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somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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No, 6 months isn't too long. The first 2-4 months are fun and exciting, new sex partner, getting comfy with each other. The next few months are seeing if there is longer term interest and/or potential. And if there isn't on one persons side, it ends. That's the BEST result, actually. Sometimes people stay with someone they don't love just to have someone and not be alone. That's worse.

How come she didn't see that there was any long term potential? I just don't know what was different, and what she saw that meant it wasn't going to work.

 

Of course I know that nobody can answer that question. Not even her.

 

It's so fu*ked up that I was single for so many years, finally found an amazing girl and couldn't get into the real relationship stage because of "reasons." I've been waiting for so long for this to happen. If she gave me a chance and actually talked to me, I'm sure we could have worked through anything.

 

Apparently I just wasn't worth it to her. And all that does is make me hate myself even more for being so worthless.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

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I agree, but that's just what younger women do. I went through the same thing with my GFs in college. I don't get the idea of playing at relationships if you have an endgame in mind. If things are going well, you should keep going . . . period. When things stop going well, then that's another thing.

 

 

 

I had the same philosophy -- just don't let it get you in a bind when someday you date someone who is more interested in you than you are in her.

 

What do you mean by going well, and who decides?

 

If she loses interest, is it going well?

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sillyanswer Established Member

sillyanswer

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Shouldn't she have figured out much sooner that I wasn't right for her? Six months seems like a pretty long time to come to that decision.

 

Not necessarily. It takes time to get to know someone and time to figure out how you feel about them.

 

It's not fair for her to decide that I wasn't right for her without even giving me a chance to change whatever it was I was doing wrong.

 

Life isn't fair. Tough cookie.

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somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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I agree, but that's just what younger women do. I went through the same thing with my GFs in college. I don't get the idea of playing at relationships if you have an endgame in mind. If things are going well, you should keep going . . . period. When things stop going well, then that's another thing.

That's what I think so too. Things were going well. There were no issues at all, we got along very well, we had lots of fun together, we had similar interests, sex was great and frequent, her parents liked me, my family liked her.

 

So what the hell was missing? I just can't think of a reason why somebody would not be happy with those circumstances. There was absolutely no way in hell I would dump somebody when the relationship was like that.

 

 

I had the same philosophy -- just don't let it get you in a bind when someday you date someone who is more interested in you than you are in her.

As long as I still really like them, then I won't care if the other person likes me more. It's not a contest to see who likes the other person least.

 

It seemed absolutely bonkers to me that she said a primary reason for dumping me was because I liked her so much, and that she didn't like me as much. I don't give a damn about that. I don't need her to worship me! I was perfectly content with what she was giving me!

 

If she treated me any better, I would have thought that I was actually in heaven.

Imajerk17 Established Member

Imajerk17

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How come she didn't see that there was any long term potential? I just don't know what was different, and what she saw that meant it wasn't going to work.

 

Of course I know that nobody can answer that question. Not even her.

 

It's so fu*ked up that I was single for so many years, finally found an amazing girl and couldn't get into the real relationship stage because of "reasons." I've been waiting for so long for this to happen. If she gave me a chance and actually talked to me, I'm sure we could have worked through anything.

 

Apparently I just wasn't worth it to her. And all that does is make me hate myself even more for being so worthless.

 

Getting dumped by someone does not make you worthless. This woman is not judge and jury as to the person you really are.

 

At some point in fact, nearly everyone gets dumped and rejected as you had. Without getting a chance to "talk about it" and save it. Nearly everyone gets their heart broken. In fact, most romantic relationships will come to an end.

 

The problem though, as we are seeing it, is that you are wallowing, and not seeing that a big reason why your relationship ended was that the source of all of your happiness was your girlfriend, and that turned her off.

Edited by Imajerk17
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normal person Established Member

normal person

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Shouldn't she have figured out much sooner that I wasn't right for her? Six months seems like a pretty long time to come to that decision.

 

She may have known long before that. She might have stayed with you for any number of reasons. Maybe it was convenience, maybe it was because it was too hard to break up with you at the time, whatever. It's not cut and dry. Yeah, she probably did have it figured it out earlier. But she's 21 or something, and like most people (of varying ages), she acted poorly. She took the easy way out for herself when it made the most sense for her. Lots of people will act like this. I don't think you're ever going to get an honest, direct, answer about this so let that be a lesson itself and perhaps stop trying to scrutinize every detail of this situation, I don't think it's at all helpful for you.

 

 

It's not fair for her to decide that I wasn't right for her without even giving me a chance to change whatever it was I was doing wrong.

 

You're right, it's not fair. People act selfishly. Everyone deals with it, you have to too. What are you going to do, call her up and demand a "do over" on a technicality? She wanted out. No amount of arguing, rationalizing, reasoning, cries of foul play, or lamenting, is going to make her get back with you.

 

I just don't understand how she can suddenly decide that there is no future between us and ditch me like I was a stranger.

 

Maybe it wasn't sudden. Maybe she knew for a long time (or even from the start) and was with you for whatever reason made sense at the time, then left when she finally got the nerve to do it. I urge you to stop trying to scrutinize these things on a micro level. It was probably something out of your control. Yeah, it sucks you got put in that situation and treated that way. I'm sorry it happened, but it happens to lots of people and you need to just accept that some people lack the courtesy and tact to deal with their problems in a better way. If there's a lesson in this for you, I think it's that. You need to stop dwelling on this one situation and do what you can to can get into a new one.

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somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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The problem though, as we are seeing it, is that you are wallowing, and not seeing that a big reason why your relationship ended was that the source of all of your happiness was your girlfriend, and that turned her off.

I hate when people keep saying that!

 

There is no way that she felt that she was the source of all my happiness. It's extremely egotistical for anybody to say that. How the hell could anybody even come to that conclusion?

 

You guys just aren't reading what I'm typing here.

 

I did not smother her.

 

I only saw her three days a week on average. I did not try to see her more often that that.

 

We didn't have sex every day that she was at my place. I could tell when she was tired from work and not up for it.

 

I did not blow up her phone with phone calls and texts when she was gone. The vast majority of times she was the one who would initiate texting, and I would end it.

 

I had other things going on in my life to keep me occupied.

Edited by somedude81
GoodOnPaper Established Member

GoodOnPaper

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What do you mean by going well, and who decides?

 

If she loses interest, is it going well?

 

Sure, it can be if she doesn't say anything for awhile. I think it comes down to what threshold you have for questioning your relationship. For my ex-GFs, our relationships were fine until something better came along -- then they were out, even if we were getting on great. For me, if I liked the relationship, I never entertained the thought that something better would come along. For me to question things, it would take something bad to happen. I thought my approach made perfect sense -- I hated the initial attraction stage of dating because I was very bad at it and felt much more at home in relationships.

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somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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Sure, it can be if she doesn't say anything for awhile. I think it comes down to what threshold you have for questioning your relationship. For my ex-GFs, our relationships were fine until something better came along -- then they were out, even if we were getting on great. For me, if I liked the relationship, I never entertained the thought that something better would come along. For me to question things, it would take something bad to happen. I thought my approach made perfect sense -- I hated the initial attraction stage of dating because I was very bad at it and felt much more at home in relationships.

I agree with everything you said.

 

"For my ex-GFs, our relationships were fine until something better came along -- then they were out, even if we were getting on great. "

 

And most likely that is what happened. I wouldn't be surprised at all if she cheated on me, or there was another guy in the picture. She monkey-branched to me, and there is a very good chance she monkey-branched to somebody else.

Million.to.1 Established Member

Million.to.1

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And most likely that is what happened. I wouldn't be surprised at all if she cheated on me, or there was another guy in the picture. She monkey-branched to me, and there is a very good chance she monkey-branched to somebody else.

 

 

but you said you meet her while in a relationship... so yes, she did monkey branch to you... but you encouraged that. So rather than blame her, let's find the lesson in there for you Somedude.

 

Hmmmmm.. what could it be? Maybe it has something to do girls that are already in relationships are not good dating prospects. Maybe girls who haven't had a chance to be single and know what they want might be unreliable partners.

 

FFS Dude - take some responsibility!

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somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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but you said you meet her while in a relationship... so yes, she did monkey branch to you... but you encouraged that. So rather than blame her, let's find the lesson in there for you Somedude.

 

Hmmmmm.. what could it be? Maybe it has something to do girls that are already in relationships are not good dating prospects. Maybe girls who haven't had a chance to be single and know what they want might be unreliable partners.

 

FFS Dude - take some responsibility!

 

FFS give me a f-ing break.

 

I did not pursue her when she was in a relationship.

 

We were nothing more than class buddies for the entire semester. I knew she had a boyfriend and I didn't want to get involved. Never did I try to spend any time with her outside of class.

 

At the very last day of class I talked to her a bit, then said goodbye, thinking that I would never see her again. But about a week later she found me on Facebook, and kept in contact over email. Soon it became clear that she liked me. At the suggestion of somebody from this forum I told her, "if you were single I'd like to take you on a date." I fully expected her to say that she knows I know she has a boyfriend, and my true intention was to chase her away and get her to leave me alone. But she actually told me that she broke up with him two weeks ago. A couple of weeks later we had our first date.

 

As for her not being a good dating prospect because she just got out of a relationship, how the hell should I have known that? I had zero relationship experience!

 

Also, this was the first time in my entire life that a cute girl was actually in to me. I had been waiting for over a decade for this to happen. Do you really think any second thoughts about this being a bad idea were going through my head at all?

 

Of course I learned something. Though would I do it again if another cute girl who is recently single wants to date me? Damn right I would. It's extremely hard for me to get dates. I'm not going to turn down somebody because she's recently single, but I will take steps to guard myself, and look for signs of trouble.

Edited by somedude81
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xxoo Established Member

xxoo

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Sure, it can be if she doesn't say anything for awhile. I think it comes down to what threshold you have for questioning your relationship. For my ex-GFs, our relationships were fine until something better came along -- then they were out, even if we were getting on great. For me, if I liked the relationship, I never entertained the thought that something better would come along. For me to question things, it would take something bad to happen. I thought my approach made perfect sense -- I hated the initial attraction stage of dating because I was very bad at it and felt much more at home in relationships.

 

But she didn't like the relationship. Not the way she wanted to like it.

 

Maybe she liked it more in the beginning, but now likes it less. Is less excited to see you. Maybe would rather do other things that see you, and doesn't look forward to seeing you anymore.

 

When she finally accepts she just isn't into it, and that she gave it a good shot, she breaks it off.

 

It's as simple as "she's just not that into you".

 

I think a misunderstanding is that people are looking for someone--anyone--to partner off with. Most aren't. We're looking for a special connection, and a feeling of deep love. That rare. That doesn't happen with everyone you date! And that's why most people date several people before they meet the lasting one.

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xxoo Established Member

xxoo

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It seemed absolutely bonkers to me that she said a primary reason for dumping me was because I liked her so much, and that she didn't like me as much. I don't give a damn about that. I don't need her to worship me! I was perfectly content with what she was giving me!

.

 

Is it bonkers that she wants to be with someone SHE likes a whole lot?

 

Does it matter at all what SHE wants?

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carhill Established Member

carhill

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^^^^ OP, this makes really good sense.

 

Everything is life is completely voluntary, save for death. There is nothing which compels one person to even associate or interact with another person, at all, for any reason. If they want to, they do. If they don't, they don't. If they change their mind, they do! Even if they've pledged in front of God and fellow man! Give it up or death will find you sooner than you deserve. Just let it go.

 

I trust you won't so the school of hard knocks will be long and painful! I hope you survive!

GoodOnPaper Established Member

GoodOnPaper

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Is it bonkers that she wants to be with someone SHE likes a whole lot?

 

Does it matter at all what SHE wants?

 

Rationally, this makes sense, but emotionally, all that comes out is that what SHE feels/likes/wants has tremendous power while what HE feels/likes/wants has none. How does he pick himself up so this feeling of powerlessness doesn't carry over into the next dating opportunity?

Els Established Member

Els

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Rationally, this makes sense, but emotionally, all that comes out is that what SHE feels/likes/wants has tremendous power while what HE feels/likes/wants has none. How does he pick himself up so this feeling of powerlessness doesn't carry over into the next dating opportunity?

 

I don't see why it should. He has every right to end a R if it isn't making HIM happy, too, even if it's making her happy (which is probably what happened the last time except in reverse).

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Els Established Member

Els

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So what the hell was missing? I just can't think of a reason why somebody would not be happy with those circumstances. There was absolutely no way in hell I would dump somebody when the relationship was like that.

 

 

Uh, frankly, there are many women who wouldn't be happy with what you described about your relationship.

 

Mind you, I'm not saying your ex is blameless - if she wasn't happy then she should've said something and given you a heads up. Some people do have trouble speaking up about their issues, especially when very young. Hopefully for her sake she will learn how to in the next few years.

RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

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Ok. What I read from some posters is a strategy for being a lesser SD to try and shield yourself from hurt. Sure. Go ahead and keep as many orbiters as possible. IF your only goal is maintaining the upper hand and feeling in control. In that case, I'm not really sure why you'd want a relationship in the first place. Seems like a lot of work.

 

 

If you want real love, or a chance at it... you have to be vulnerable and have integrity. And if you want the 'best' kind of woman to love you back... YOU need to be the best SD you can be.

 

 

So, take your pick. Love or power... or what feels like power. Most of the time it doesn't work out that way... is my observation.

GoodOnPaper Established Member

GoodOnPaper

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I don't see why it should. He has every right to end a R if it isn't making HIM happy, too, even if it's making her happy (which is probably what happened the last time except in reverse).

 

Spoken like someone who can take the initial attraction part of dating for granted. When opportunities are few and far between and coming off a crushing blow like this, the idea that someone would be more interested in you that you are in her can seem very far-fetched. But first relationships are emotionally overwhelming all the way around.

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Els Established Member

Els

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Spoken like someone who can take the initial attraction part of dating for granted. When opportunities are few and far between and coming off a crushing blow like this, the idea that someone would be more interested in you that you are in her can seem very far-fetched.

 

That's why I said it in the first place, so that he realizes it. And it's not about her having a 'higher level of interest', it's about a R that his hypothetical partner is happy with but he's not (say, sex once every couple of weeks). Just because she's happy with it doesn't mean he automatically is.

 

But first relationships are emotionally overwhelming all the way around.
Agreed. It's something most of us have to go through, really. Very few people end up with the first person they have a R with.
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lollipopspot Established Member

lollipopspot

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When opportunities are few and far between and coming off a crushing blow like this, the idea that someone would be more interested in you that you are in her can seem very far-fetched.

 

Not really. There are plenty of guys on here who say they don't want to date fat women, or women older than they are, etc. These guys can pretty surely find someone who is more into them than vice versa, but it's not necessarily going to be the beautiful young woman with lots of options.

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somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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Uh, frankly, there are many women who wouldn't be happy with what you described about your relationship.

OK, please tell me what the things are that many women wouldn't be happy with so I can change them.

Els Established Member

Els

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OK, please tell me what the things are that many women wouldn't be happy with so I can change them.

 

I did list some of them, as suggestions of what you should do in the future. Your response was that you did half of them and that some women stay with abusers, so not doing all of them 'wasn't an excuse' for your ex leaving. :confused:

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