How horrible is it to have a girl on the side in case your girlfriend leaves you?

[Anela]

Not speaking for SD, but having seen a lot of his threads, he seems very self-conscious about his lack of experience -- I can empathize with that -- therefore dating younger women with less experience may seem less intimidating. Is this a legitimate concern?

 

I've said elsewhere that I also lack experience. Can you imagine what I would deal with, if I were chasing college-aged boys? That's also how I see them, though: boys, not men.

[jay1983]

Not horrible at all, most chicks up and go just like that. Usually cause they've found someone else, then your sittin there like

[Anela]

Grown up dating experience makes no sense to me. She wasn't 16 years old. She had a serious mature relationship, at least I believe it was. Our relationship was mature.

 

How would it have been any different if she was 27?

 

She would probably have been more likely to communicate about any concerns she had/what she was feeling. You would have met her friends, once you were more serious. And so on.

[Phoe]

Not horrible at all, most chicks up and go just like that. Usually cause they've found someone else, then your sittin there like

 

Men up and leave just like that too.

 

 

My exes cheated on me and then left me for that girl.

 

 

I suppose I oughta find a side guy. Maybe 2. My boyfriend's just gonna leave anyway.

 

 

(please note how ridiculous this sounds!!!)

[sweetjasmine]

Grown up dating experience makes no sense to me. She wasn't 16 years old. She had a serious mature relationship, at least I believe it was. Our relationship was mature.

 

How would it have been any different if she was 27?

 

Dude, seriously?

 

Take me as an example. At 20, I was mature for my age, and a lot of my friends were grad students in their late 20s/early 30s, but as far as relationships were concerned, I still had a lot to work on, including communication skills and just generally being more emotionally stable and secure. 7 years later, I had moved 3 times (3 different states), earned two degrees, changed careers, and gotten married. And I'm not exactly unusual in that sort of trajectory. Do you really think that people stop growing at 20?

[GoodOnPaper]

Dude, seriously?

 

Take me as an example. At 20, I was mature for my age, and a lot of my friends were grad students in their late 20s/early 30s, but as far as relationships were concerned, I still had a lot to work on, including communication skills and just generally being more emotionally stable and secure. 7 years later, I had moved 3 times (3 different states), earned two degrees, changed careers, and gotten married. And I'm not exactly unusual in that sort of trajectory. Do you really think that people stop growing at 20?

 

Growing doesn't necessarily mean that you have to monkey-branch from partner to partner. But young women at age 20 are in the kid-in-a-candy-store stage of dating life. Even those who think they are very LTR-minded can suddenly get the urge to see what else is out there -- and opportunities to satisfy that urge are constantly present. As a guy at that age, if you aren't able to hook up regularly, having "freedom" isn't necessarily all it's cracked up to be. Why not go through your personal growth with someone?

[xxoo]

Growing doesn't necessarily mean that you have to monkey-branch from partner to partner. But young women at age 20 are in the kid-in-a-candy-store stage of dating life. Even those who think they are very LTR-minded can suddenly get the urge to see what else is out there -- and opportunities to satisfy that urge are constantly present. As a guy at that age, if you aren't able to hook up regularly, having "freedom" isn't necessarily all it's cracked up to be. Why not go through your personal growth with someone?

 

It's fine to go through your personal growth with someone, if you are lucky enough to find someone who also wants to do that. I did! But I was the ONLY one of my group who made it long term with a partner I picked in adolescence. It's rare.

 

It actually makes a lot of sense that she stayed with her previous bf a long time, had trouble letting go of that "first love", but then move on on from a bf in her early 20s relatively quickly. She's maturing, learning what she wants and doesn't want. And she's quicker to realize when it's over for her and move on. Completely normal for her age.

[Anela]

Growing doesn't necessarily mean that you have to monkey-branch from partner to partner. But young women at age 20 are in the kid-in-a-candy-store stage of dating life. Even those who think they are very LTR-minded can suddenly get the urge to see what else is out there -- and opportunities to satisfy that urge are constantly present. As a guy at that age, if you aren't able to hook up regularly, having "freedom" isn't necessarily all it's cracked up to be. Why not go through your personal growth with someone?

 

People don't always grow in the same directions, so you're still left with the same problem: someone could want to leave.

[jay1983]

Men up and leave just like that too.

 

 

My exes cheated on me and then left me for that girl.

 

 

I suppose I oughta find a side guy. Maybe 2. My boyfriend's just gonna leave anyway.

 

 

(please note how ridiculous this sounds!!!)

 

Guys probably hit on you all the time, it's easy for you. We have to look out for ourselves.

[Anela]

Guys probably hit on you all the time, it's easy for you. We have to look out for ourselves.

 

It isn't any easier for her. She was betrayed, and that hurts like hell.

[jay1983]

It isn't any easier for her. She was betrayed, and that hurts like hell.

 

That's not what I meant.

[Anela]

That's not what I meant.

 

It's no easier to meet someone new, that you're both attracted to, and compatible with, either - and someone you can trust.

[sweetjasmine]

Growing doesn't necessarily mean that you have to monkey-branch from partner to partner. But young women at age 20 are in the kid-in-a-candy-store stage of dating life. Even those who think they are very LTR-minded can suddenly get the urge to see what else is out there -- and opportunities to satisfy that urge are constantly present. As a guy at that age, if you aren't able to hook up regularly, having "freedom" isn't necessarily all it's cracked up to be. Why not go through your personal growth with someone?

 

Okay?

 

This really doesn't have much to do with what I wrote. My point is that relationships aren't like a video game where you rack up experience points as you go along. It doesn't matter if someone started dating at 16 or at 20 or at 25. Unless they're stunted in some way or another, their relationships at 30, 35, 40, and beyond will look different. It's not like once you've racked up 5000 points through 5 years of serious dating, you've leveled up all the way to Mature Relationship Class V +10 commitment where you're going to stay until you die.

 

SD's ex's behavior was what I'd expect from a 20 year old woman, including all the googly talk about wedding dresses. Some women don't grow very much and keep acting that way as they age, but I'd guess most of us do. There are things I did to and things I put up with from guys when I was 20 that I would never do or tolerate right now, and IMO it's a safe bet that someone like SD's ex will be the same way. It's all a learning experience.

[Phoe]

Guys probably hit on you all the time, it's easy for you. We have to look out for ourselves.

 

I never get hit on, I have struggled my entire adult life to get a small number of dates. Don't make presumptions about people you don't know. I don't want to continue this debate any further as it's just going to threadjack.

[jay1983]

I never get hit on, I have struggled my entire adult life to get a small number of dates. Don't make presumptions about people you don't know. I don't want to continue this debate any further as it's just going to threadjack.

 

Excuse me

[Imajerk17]

Later on after she dumped me, when she was willing to give me some details, she told that she had felt unsure about the relationship for almost a month before she ended it. When I asked her why she didn't tell me anything, she said that it wasn't her style or something to tell me that she was thinking about dumping me, and she wanted to be sure of her feelings first "before she made a hasty decision."

 

So apparently there were about two weeks we were together that she felt unsure, but didn't show me any signs at all. She didn't pull back affectionately and we were still having frequent sex.

 

The real kicker was while she was feeling this way I had already made plans to go visit my dad for Thanksgiving, and I would be gone almost two weeks. Again she did not tell me, or give me any signs that the relationship was on the rocks. So then she used the time I was gone to decide to dump me.

 

When I was gone we only communicated over text, which was normal for us. She pretended that nothing between us had change. She also helped make plans for what we were going to do when I got back. We agreed to have her spend two nights at my place.

 

The day after I got back, she came over to my place, with her overnight back packed with clothes, and dumped me. She pretended that everything was fine up until the very end. It wasn't until I was starting to get frisky with her did she say, "Before we start anything I have to talk."

 

So about a month. ~two weeks before my trip, and the two weeks I was gone. If I didn't go on that trip, I'm sure I would have noticed that something was wrong with her.

 

I said this before in your other threads, and I will say it again: She made mistakes in how she handled the break-up--i.e., making plans to spend the weekend with you when she already knew that wasn't going to happen. BUT also consider that (a) she was only 21 and that type of avoidance of conflict is really common, and (b) she still drove the 50 minutes to your place to break up with you in person, instead of phoning it in. Do you know how much courage and effort that took on her part?

 

Basically it sounds to me that, overall, even considering the missteps on her part, she really put in a lot of effort to do the right thing when it came to ending it with you.

 

And yes, I agree with the others: 6 months no conflict (probably because the emotional investment wasn't there on her part), no meeting her friends, no ILYs....the signs were there. Sorry bro.

 

SD, this is said a lot on your threads, but I am still positive that one of the reasons she broke up with you is that you had a lot less going on than she did. Your only passion in life seemed to be her and that had to bother her/turn her off. I can tell you that it would bother me a lot if I were dating someone who didn't have much of a life outside of our relationship and maybe work.

Edited May 1, 2014 by Imajerk17

[somedude81]

So the gist of what I'm getting, is that her behavior is normal for a young 20's women?

 

They can and will just up and leave you whenever they want for any reason without talking to you first?

 

At what age do women stop doing this?

 

Also, when do women became mature enough to her problems that would actually involve me?

 

BTW what is meant by "no conflict?" Are arguments and shouting matches necessary for a healthy relationship?

 

And no, I don't care if men do any of the above or not. I'm not dating guys.

Edited May 1, 2014 by somedude81

[somedude81]

Some things you won't understand and you have to accept. A young person (man or woman) dating normally at 16, 20, and 24 will date much differently at those ages--even if they date continuously from 16-24. They are maturing, and their dating behaviors change accordingly. It's normal and expected. Expect a 20 year old to act like a 20 year old, and you'll rarely be disappointed.

Except the fact I don't know what to expect from a 20 year old, 25 year old, 30 year old etc. I've only been in one relationship.

It actually makes a lot of sense that she stayed with her previous bf a long time, had trouble letting go of that "first love", but then move on on from a bf in her early 20s relatively quickly. She's maturing, learning what she wants and doesn't want. And she's quicker to realize when it's over for her and move on. Completely normal for her age.

I don't know if he was her first love. She had boyfriends before him, but she lost her virginity to him.

 

I still don't understand how she could have stayed with him for so long, and then left me after such a short period of time when I treated her much better than her ex did. Maybe she thought I was boring and that I didn't cause enough drama for her? I probably should have started calling her fat and doing things to piss her off so it would feel like old times to her.

[Million.to.1]

You are trying to rationalise things that aren't rational. You are asking questions there is no answer to. There is no age that woman reach where they will stop doing this or that. Everyone is different. There is no magic way to see into the future and discover the key to prevent someone from leaving you.

 

You are just emitting desperateness. Desperate to find a GF. Desperate to stop her from leaving. You said before you would lay awake worried about the girl laying next to you leaving. That's your problem. You can't even enjoy the moment. You are already creating your universe.

 

I just don't understand how you haven't got this yet. For YEARS people here have been giving you great advice and you still come up with this ****. You just DON'T LEARN. You are not evolving and that makes you a bad option for a relationship.

 

Get a life of your own cause nobody wants to be the nucleus of yours.

[somedude81]

You are trying to rationalise things that aren't rational. You are asking questions there is no answer to. There is no age that woman reach where they will stop doing this or that. Everyone is different. There is no magic way to see into the future and discover the key to prevent someone from leaving you.

I've been told by several people that my ex behaved normally for a woman of her age. So I was assuming that there must be an age where women stop behaving like that.

 

You are just emitting desperateness. Desperate to find a GF. Desperate to stop her from leaving. You said before you would lay awake worried about the girl laying next to you leaving. That's your problem. You can't even enjoy the moment. You are already creating your universe.

Yes, you are correct. That is how I am because of what has happened in my life.

 

There was no way I could make it to my 30's without getting a GF and not turn out damaged. Frankly I could have turned out a lot worse than I am now.

 

I'm a victim of circumstances outside of my control.

 

I just don't understand how you haven't got this yet. For YEARS people here have been giving you great advice and you still come up with this ****. You just DON'T LEARN. You are not evolving and that makes you a bad option for a relationship.

The fact that I'm coming up with new ideas to avoid or lessen pain shows that I am evolving.

 

I also learned a lot about women, relationships and myself from the short time I was with my ex. I'm not the same person that I was this time last year.

[Million.to.1]

I've been told by several people that my ex behaved normally for a woman of her age. So I was assuming that there must be an age where women stop behaving like that.

 

No.. it's more likely that woman who are younger will make bad judgment calls as they learn to risk asses. Doesn't mean it will stop happening by age X.

Again you are trying to be rational. You can't.

 

 

Yes, you are correct. That is how I am because of what has happened in my life.

 

And your life is happening TO you is it? Completely out of your control, right?

 

There was no way I could make it to my 30's without getting a GF and not turn out damaged. Frankly I could have turned out a lot worse than I am now.

 

I'm a victim of circumstances outside of my control.

 

 

The fact that I'm coming up with new ideas to avoid or lessen pain shows that I am evolving.

 

No. You are not a victim. You are the creator. Till you see that, you are doomed to keep repeating this crap. Creating ways to "escape" pain, is not evolving. Learning to manage it, is.

 

I also learned a lot about women, relationships and myself from the short time I was with my ex. I'm not the same person that I was this time last year.

 

That may be true... but you are still along way away from being able to handle a real relationship. While you are looking for formulas and ways of preventing pain in your life, while still refusing to accept how you create it to begin with, then you repeat the lesson till its learnt.

Seriously... you aren't prepared to take ANY responsibility for this relationship ending?

[xxoo]

There is no magic age when people mature. But a 20 year old is far more likely to act immaturely than a 25 year old, and a 25 to more likely than a 30 year old. along the way, each at their own pace, most people grow and change.

 

And you don't need extensive dating experience to know how people act. You simply need friends. You'd see how this guys 19 year old sister acts and that guys 23 year old gf acts along with various other women. You'd have learned normal relationship behavior by observation. You are at a tremendous disadvantage by having no social group.

[janedoe67]

Where are all the tactless men with chips on their shoulders? Shouldn't they be here scolding somedude for his pondering of cheating?

[clia]

So the gist of what I'm getting, is that her behavior is normal for a young 20's women?

 

They can and will just up and leave you whenever they want for any reason without talking to you first?

 

At what age do women stop doing this?

 

Also, when do women became mature enough to her problems that would actually involve me?

 

BTW what is meant by "no conflict?" Are arguments and shouting matches necessary for a healthy relationship?

 

And no, I don't care if men do any of the above or not. I'm not dating guys.

 

You're missing the concept of what dating is. Just because you start a relationship with someone doesn't mean you want to stay with that person forever. Dating is all about deciding if this is the right person. If you've decided there is no future with the person, you aren't going to have a big conversation with them about it. You aren't going to try to "fix" things or give them a chance to try to "fix" things. Your ex was thinking about all of this and ultimately decided there was no future with you. Then she ended the relationship. That is totally normal. There was nothing to "fix." A woman will talk to you about problems in the relationship if she has decided she wants a long term thing with you.

 

I don't agree at all that arguments, shouting matches, and conflict are necessary for a healthy relationship. I've had a grand total of one fight with my fiance, and even that was fairly tame. I think fighting is a bad thing, and I'm actually puzzled by, for example, people who post on this site who brag about how few fights they've had when they've been dating only a few weeks or months. Duh...it's supposed to be that way. I don't even really understand what people are fighting about or why you would want to be with someone you are fighting with all the time.

 

I'm a victim of circumstances outside of my control.

 

You have created your own circumstances and none of it is outside of your control. You are just stubborn and want to continue doing things your way, which obviously doesn't work. I honestly don't understand why you don't take some of the advice you have been given on this site to heart. It would benefit you tremendously to do so.

Edited May 1, 2014 by clia

[somedude81]

You're missing the concept of what dating is. Just because you start a relationship with someone doesn't mean you want to stay with that person forever. Dating is all about deciding if this is the right person. If you've decided there is no future with the person, you aren't going to have a big conversation with them about it. You aren't going to try to "fix" things or give them a chance to try to "fix" things. Your ex was thinking about all of this and ultimately decided there was no future with you. Then she ended the relationship. That is totally normal. There was nothing to "fix." A woman will talk to you about problems in the relationship if she has decided she wants a long term thing with you.

Shouldn't she have figured out much sooner that I wasn't right for her? Six months seems like a pretty long time to come to that decision.

 

It's not fair for her to decide that I wasn't right for her without even giving me a chance to change whatever it was I was doing wrong.

 

I just don't understand how she can suddenly decide that there is no future between us and ditch me like I was a stranger.

 

I would never do to a woman what she did to me.

 

 

 

 

I don't agree at all that arguments, shouting matches, and conflict are necessary for a healthy relationship. I've had a grand total of one fight with my fiance, and even that was fairly tame. I think fighting is a bad thing, and I'm actually puzzled by, for example, people who post on this site who brag about how few fights they've had when they've been dating only a few weeks or months. Duh...it's supposed to be that way. I don't even really understand what people are fighting about or why you would want to be with someone you are fighting with all the time.

Thank you! People were making it seem like it was a pretty bad negative that we never fought.

 

When people are mature and level-headed, they shouldn't scream at each other. It has nothing to do with them not caring about each other.

 

I've also read many break up threads that start with a story of how often the couple fought and that the relationship was already on the rocks.

 

 

You have created your own circumstances and none of it is outside of your control. You are just stubborn and want to continue doing things your way, which obviously doesn't work. I honestly don't understand why you don't take some of the advice you have been given on this site to heart. It would benefit you tremendously to do so.

I'm talking about how very few women are attracted to me, how only women with boyfriends talk to me, stuff like that.

 

There's a girl in one of my classes that I think downright dislikes me and I can't figure out why.

 

Those are the things that I have no control over.