How horrible is it to have a girl on the side in case your girlfriend leaves you?

[Frank2thepoint]

Yes I know it's cheating, which I'm completely against; but after how my relationship ended and left me emotionally, I'm starting to get slight second thoughts.

 

Putting it in simple terms, I was and mostly still am devastated by my ex leaving me. I really want to get a new GF but my confidence is gone, I'm sad, tired, and overall not performing anywhere near at my norm.

 

I'm unattractive.

 

Conversely, when I was with my GF, I was happy, had very high confidence, great self-esteem, the world was wonderful etc.

 

I was attractive.

 

Looking at it just from those viewpoints, the best time for me to meet and date women, was when I was in a relationship. Heck, rejection wouldn't bug me at all because I already had a great GF.

 

When I was with my GF had no desire to stray at all. I was in it for the long haul. I expected to be with her for a long time. Then I got burned.

 

If I had a girl on the side, when my ex left me, I probably would have taken the breakup and its aftermath far less harshly.

 

To make it clear, I'm still completely against cheating, but when I'm struggling, trying to find another girl, these are thoughts that are going through my head. Of course there's also the thought that, "She dumped me, why does it matter if I cheated on her?"

 

A lot of men feel having a woman on the side, as a backup, as a sign of potency and desirability. Especially during the end of one relationship, because it would ease the transition from one relationship to another. It sounds appealing, but really you are trading one problem for another. With the demise of your previous relationship, you are bringing baggage into a new one unfairly, looking for stability and control. That's the deep reason behind it I think. Ultimately, such a school of thought is really about insecurity. Not just about the relationship but about yourself. You feel you need another woman to be a handhold, something to help you from falling. Many men, and even women, feel that pursuing a new love interest as soon as possible is the solution for healing the pain, when it's just a bandaid, often a dirty one that causes an infection of the wound.

 

Personally, I've never bounced around from one relationship to another. Although when I was younger, I felt it would of been great to have another woman waiting on the sidelines, I realized that taking time to myself was what worked for me. The real solution is to deal with the pain yourself, taking time to reflect, and promising yourself to set better boundaries, standing up for yourself, and also being a better person for a future relationship.

[somedude81]

I'm sorry, but if I've been in a relationship for nearly 6 months and there hasn't been one disagreement the ENTIRE time, somethings wrong

 

Oh we had several disagreements. One of the last things we had was that I asked her to not watch Game of Thrones without me when it was going to come out next year. She told me that she couldn't promise me that, and wasn't patient enough to wait.

 

While we disagreed, we never had a fight. There were no arguments, no shouting matches, nothing of the sort. I've never heard her raise her voice or seen her cry.

 

Is there really anything wrong with a relationship when you don't scream at each other?

[somedude81]

You said you've slept with swingers before. That it was easy. You could find someone in a day.

OK, I think my words came out wrong.

 

Yes I have been part of the swinger thing. It wasn't easy but it was possible to have sex there. I did not mean I can find someone in a day, but that I slept with them the day I met them. With the vast majority of women I've had sex with them shortly after meeting them. That's just how things were.

 

You also said the sex wasn't as good as it was with your ex because it lacked the emotional connection.

No I meant the exact opposite of that. I had an emotional connection with my ex and sex with her was the best I've ever had. She was very tame compared to almost every woman I've been with, but with her it was amazing because I cared for her. She was also the only woman I've been with that I ever wanted to have a good time.

 

If you attempt to have two girlfriends at the same time, you'll be acting like a swinger. But a lying swinger. A cheater. So, why don't you think the sex will be compromised? Not only will there be a lack of emotional connection because you're sharing yourself, you'll have the guilt about what you're doing to exacerbate that.

I wouldn't exactly be a swinger but it is still cheating and it would involved lots of lying, which I don't think I'd be OK with.

 

There may or may not be an emotional connection with the other girl. And of course that will make things complicated.

 

The more I think about this idea the more I dislike it.

 

 

However, if you think you would really like to have a monogamous relationship. A fully emotionally satisfying relationship. That you'd like to commit to someone and maybe have children with them, do it right. If you do it wrong, you'll end up more hurt, having hurt others (including any children you may have).

You are definitely right. I do want a monogamous relationship. But I'm terrified that the next one will leave me and I'll be devastated again. That's why I made this thread.

[somedude81]

This post is all about YOU.

 

What would make YOU less devastated.

 

Once you are completely in love, on the deepest possible level *that* sort of love with *that* girl, you will absolutely not even entertain this idea.

 

What you want will go out the window when you meet the right person, trust me I know this first hand. The mere thought of hurting them or losing them even a fraction VIA keeping a back up girl, would not be viable when you feel "that" way about your girlfriend.

 

Giving up travel would have devastated me until recently I realised that... I would happily give it up in order to have a relationship with the guy I feel is right for me on every level. In fact, I am going on one last trip in a year and after that, I am happy to give it all up for him; I am happy to then save for a mortgage together and start a family in ten years.

I agree with you. When I was with my ex I had no interest in other women at all.

 

And most likely it will be the same when I get another girl.

 

I'm justing thinking about this now because I'm very sore about my breakup, and that I'm having a very hard time getting a new girl. If I had a girl on the side, I wouldn't to try to get a new GF when I'm hurting.

[Phoe]

One of the last things we had was that I asked her to not watch Game of Thrones without me when it was going to come out next year. She told me that she couldn't promise me that, and wasn't patient enough to wait.

 

LOL I had this disagreement with both my ex and my current boyfriend.

 

 

No joke haha.

 

 

You don't wanna be at my place at 6 PM on Sunday to watch it? That's okay. You can watch it later. But I WILL be watching it on 6 PM on Sunday whether you are there or not lol.

 

 

My fanaticism knows no bounds besides, that just gives me a reason to watch it again later.

[xxoo]

Don't seek out a 20 year old gf and then complain when she acts 20.

[somedude81]

I think you ultimately are doing yourself a huge disservice when you keep insisting that the break-up had nothing to do with you and that there were no signs.

 

First, there were signs. I can't remember them all from your prior posts, but let's start with two things: her decreasing the amount of time she spent with you and not introducing you to her friends during the six months you dated. Those are not signs of a relationship moving forward. You see more of each other, not less.

As I mentioned before she works retail and the holiday season was starting. It almost seems like the number of hours she was given had doubled. Her grandmother was selling her house and my ex was very involved with helping her pack. So it was perfectly reasonable for the number of days that we saw each other do go down during that time period. Add that to the fact that we live an hour from each other so we didn't see each other on days that she worked.

 

I know you'll say that she decreased the time because she was working a lot, was busy...well then why didn't you make an effort to see her? Why didn't you go to her? Oh, that's right -- because for sex to happen she had to drive the hour to you.

OK so you do remember the details.

 

Yes I did mess up by not making the drive just to see her more often. I regret not picking up with her after work, spending a few hours with her and then going back home. I absolutely should have done that.

 

You integrate the person into your life -- that means spending time with friends.

I really don't think she spent that much time with her friends. I got the impression that her friends were mostly coworkers and that she didn't see them outside of work.

 

I know she had one guy friend she went hiking with but I don't know how often they met up. I did tell her we should go hiking, me and her, and her friend and his GF.

 

Second, was it all a rebound? Who knows. You keep insisting that it was, but the reality is that you don't know.

Oh I have no idea at all. I even asked her and she said no.

 

Though what is true is that she monkey-branched. Leaving one guy for another and not spending any time alone.

 

Her relationship might have had nothing to do with why she didn't have deep feelings for you at six months. After you pressured her, she gave you several reasons about why she was unhappy in the relationship. I'm 100% positive there were more reasons. You gloss over those reasons. You claim they were BS reasons. Who are you to say that? 21 year olds break up with boyfriends for a lot of reasons that might sound dumb to a more mature person; but there were reasons.

She gave me two reasons.

 

She felt that I liked her more than she liked me, and she that made her feel guilty.

 

During our conversation many months ago about me possibly cheating on a math test, she flipped that in her head to me cheating on her. Of course me cheating on a test so I can finally graduate college and me being unfaithful to her are completely unrelated.

 

Maye there were more reasons I don't know.

 

 

Your denial and lack of introspection about things you could have done differently isn't going to help you in your next relationship. At some point you have to take responsibility.

I'm not lacking introspection at all. That's why I kept asking her if I did anything wrong. I wanted to feel at fault, that I screwed up. She just never said anything to me to that said I did something wrong.

 

She even said, "I know it's cliche and I hate to use it but it's true in this case, it's me, not you."

[ASG]

She even said, "I know it's cliche and I hate to use it but it's true in this case, it's me, not you."

 

The thing with that sentence is that it's really a white lie. It IS you. Only not in a blame thing. She just wasn't feeling the relationship WITH YOU. She might not have anything particularly specific... you didn't cheat, didn't treat her badly, didn't abuse her...

 

But she wasnt feeling it. WITH YOU.

[somedude81]

The thing with that sentence is that it's really a white lie. It IS you. Only not in a blame thing. She just wasn't feeling the relationship WITH YOU. She might not have anything particularly specific... you didn't cheat, didn't treat her badly, didn't abuse her...

 

But she wasnt feeling it. WITH YOU.

 

Most likely you're right.

 

But what can I do differently next time so the next girl wouldn't leave me?

 

That's why I'm so scared.

 

[janedoe67]

All I can say is we better not see you on any infidelity threads ranting at WS's.

[ASG]

Most likely you're right.

 

But what can I do differently next time so the next girl wouldn't leave me?

 

That's why I'm so scared.

 

 

Everyone here, in your numerous threads has given you advice on that.

 

But it's not just about you. A relationship is not just YOU. There's two people. And even if you're perfect, the next girl might just not feel it.

 

Or *shock horror* YOU might not feel it with the next girl. And start getting annoyed by the way she eats or laughs... And then you'll find yourself breaking up with her and using that same sentence, since you can't really blame her for the way she laughs!

[hasaquestion]

Why is it bad that this ex-girlfriend broke up with you?

 

She didn't like you. So she broke up with you. Now you don't have to deal with someone who doesn't like you. Isn't that a good thing?

[normal person]

The thing with that sentence is that it's really a white lie. It IS you. Only not in a blame thing. She just wasn't feeling the relationship WITH YOU. She might not have anything particularly specific... you didn't cheat, didn't treat her badly, didn't abuse her...

 

But she wasnt feeling it. WITH YOU.

 

This is a great post. I think SD is wasting time splitting hairs wondering what he did wrong. The fact that she was/is so reluctant to tell him what he did wrong should be pretty telling -- seems to me she just doesn't want to have to say "I just don't like you that much" because then she feels bad.

 

People are fickle. They have dalliances, experience something, decide it isn't for them, and move on. You can act perfectly towards your gf/bf and still be a victim of this. Seems to me this is what happened here and trying to examine it under a microscope looking for the exact moment things went south is a bit much. I don't think you did anything wrong SD, but she doesn't think you're right for her. It's not a matter of making or not making mistakes.

 

Most likely you're right.

 

But what can I do differently next time so the next girl wouldn't leave me?

 

That's why I'm so scared.

 

 

Start looking for age appropriate girls, for one. Then it's a little bit of luck -- finding a girl who will put up with your lesser qualities because she likes everything else about you more; she feels right with you.

[xxoo]

Most likely you're right.

 

But what can I do differently next time so the next girl wouldn't leave me?

 

That's why I'm so scared.

 

 

Are you ready for your next relationship to be your last? Because if you sent ready for that sort of commitment, you shouldn't expect it from a woman.

 

If you are, then look for a woman who is ready for that and looking for that. One who is old enough and experienced enough to know what she wants, and offer that kind of commitment.

 

Otherwise, understand that most relationships will not last, and enjoy them for what they are.

[GoodOnPaper]

Though what is true is that she monkey-branched. Leaving one guy for another and not spending any time alone.

 

She even said, "I know it's cliche and I hate to use it but it's true in this case, it's me, not you."

 

Most likely you're right.

 

But what can I do differently next time so the next girl wouldn't leave me?

 

That's why I'm so scared.

 

 

You are mourning the loss of the relationship more than the loss of the girl. Completely understandable -- for those of us guys with a history of really struggling to get dates, it can be emotionally overwhelming when someone actually wants to date/kiss/have sex with us -- but it encourages the viewpoint that getting dates and relationships are "achievements". While it certainly feels that way, that mindset is going to make it very hard to establish long-term connections that are mutual. From my experience, there always seemed to be an attraction imbalance in every relationship.

 

And of course, you always have to have a comeback to "it's not you, it's me" ...

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFXCKQ7K2bs

[GoodOnPaper]

Are you ready for your next relationship to be your last? Because if you sent ready for that sort of commitment, you shouldn't expect it from a woman.

 

If you are, then look for a woman who is ready for that and looking for that. One who is old enough and experienced enough to know what she wants, and offer that kind of commitment.

 

Not speaking for SD, but having seen a lot of his threads, he seems very self-conscious about his lack of experience -- I can empathize with that -- therefore dating younger women with less experience may seem less intimidating. Is this a legitimate concern?

[xxoo]

Not speaking for SD, but having seen a lot of his threads, he seems very self-conscious about his lack of experience -- I can empathize with that -- therefore dating younger women with less experience may seem less intimidating. Is this a legitimate concern?

 

It's just that he has unrealistic expectations of equally unexperienced people he dates. He wants a young woman with little dating experience AND he wants her to act maturely and not randomly dump him when she gets bored. That's just typical behavior for young people. They are figuring out dating, not dating for keeps.

 

It's ok to date younger women with less experience, but understand that immaturity comes with that.

 

Or, it is ok to seek a more mature partner, but understand that these people tend to be older and more experienced.

[somedude81]

It's just that he has unrealistic expectations of equally unexperienced people he dates. He wants a young woman with little dating experience AND he wants her to act maturely and not randomly dump him when she gets bored. That's just typical behavior for young people. They are figuring out dating, not dating for keeps.

 

It's ok to date younger women with less experience, but understand that immaturity comes with that.

 

Or, it is ok to seek a more mature partner, but understand that these people tend to be older and more experienced.

Uh, my ex had a hell of a lot more relationship experience than I did.

 

She pretty much didn't spend any time single from 16 on.

 

When I met her, she had about 5 years of relationship experience, and had been with her boyfriend for 3 years. I had 0 years of relationship experience. Hell, I still don't even have a 1 year of experience.

 

When I knew her she seemed very mature. Far more than her age would suggest. I also knew that was the type to have serious relationships.

 

She was a young women, with lots of relationship experience who always acted maturely. Being randomly dumped by her, was, extremely random. It was completely out of character for her. The fact that it took her a year to get rid of her ex, did not show me at all that she is the type to suddenly dump.

 

BTW, we talked about weddings, what types of dresses she liked, whether she wanted a theme wedding or not, and we even joked about what we would name our kids...

[xxoo]

Uh, my ex had a hell of a lot more relationship experience than I did.

 

She pretty much didn't spend any time single from 16 on.

 

When I met her, she had about 5 years of relationship experience, and had been with her boyfriend for 3 years. I had 0 years of relationship experience. Hell, I still don't even have a 1 year of experience.

 

When I knew her she seemed very mature. Far more than her age would suggest. I also knew that was the type to have serious relationships.

 

She was a young women, with lots of relationship experience who always acted maturely. Being randomly dumped by her, was, extremely random. It was completely out of character for her. The fact that it took her a year to get rid of her ex, did not show me at all that she is the type to suddenly dump.

 

I''ll clarify: grown up dating experience.

 

What she did was right in line for a 20 year old. It would help you to understand that, because you'd be better prepared for dating in that age group.

[somedude81]

LOL I had this disagreement with both my ex and my current boyfriend.

 

 

No joke haha.

 

 

You don't wanna be at my place at 6 PM on Sunday to watch it? That's okay. You can watch it later. But I WILL be watching it on 6 PM on Sunday whether you are there or not lol.

 

 

My fanaticism knows no bounds besides, that just gives me a reason to watch it again later.

Gah! Not you too!

 

What's wrong with delaying gratification?

 

Odds are if we were still together, I'd be watching it with her on her parents house. Though the way her room is set up, she doesn't have any chairs so she watches TV on her bed, with her little 22" TV mounted on the wall across.

 

And well, if we watched TV in that situation, I'd probably be banned from her parents house...

 

Oh well, at least it's fun to pretend.

[somedude81]

I''ll clarify: grown up dating experience.

 

What she did was right in line for a 20 year old. It would help you to understand that, because you'd be better prepared for dating in that age group.

Grown up dating experience makes no sense to me. She wasn't 16 years old. She had a serious mature relationship, at least I believe it was. Our relationship was mature.

 

How would it have been any different if she was 27?

[Phoe]

It's just that he has unrealistic expectations of equally unexperienced people he dates. He wants a young woman with little dating experience AND he wants her to act maturely and not randomly dump him when she gets bored. That's just typical behavior for young people. They are figuring out dating, not dating for keeps.

 

It's ok to date younger women with less experience, but understand that immaturity comes with that.

 

Or, it is ok to seek a more mature partner, but understand that these people tend to be older and more experienced.

 

While there are going to be outliers in those cases, young women who behave maturely, or older women with less experience, it's going to be less common.

 

 

I agree that it's best for him to pinpoint what exactly he's looking for, and then pursue women that are most likely to fall in that category.

 

 

SD, what is most important to you? Maturity? Less experience? Something else? Pinpoint what exactly you want from your next relationship, and pursue based on that.

[Phoe]

Gah! Not you too!

 

What's wrong with delaying gratification?

 

Odds are if we were still together, I'd be watching it with her on her parents house. Though the way her room is set up, she doesn't have any chairs so she watches TV on her bed, with her little 22" TV mounted on the wall across.

 

And well, if we watched TV in that situation, I'd probably be banned from her parents house...

 

Oh well, at least it's fun to pretend.

 

I will delay it til later that Sunday night, but I will NOT wait til the next day. Then everyone at work starts talking about the spoilers and I have to run from the room with my ears covered. Haha

 

 

The thing is it HAS to be done at my house. I'm the only one with HBO. And I have a 50" calibrated flat screen with a surround sound system. :love:

[xxoo]

Grown up dating experience makes no sense to me. She wasn't 16 years old. She had a serious mature relationship, at least I believe it was. Our relationship was mature.

 

How would it have been any different if she was 27?

 

Some things you won't understand and you have to accept. A young person (man or woman) dating normally at 16, 20, and 24 will date much differently at those ages--even if they date continuously from 16-24. They are maturing, and their dating behaviors change accordingly. It's normal and expected. Expect a 20 year old to act like a 20 year old, and you'll rarely be disappointed.

[hasaquestion]

Its funny Somedude81. Reading your threads reminds me of some people I met up with recently.

 

I played football in HS. To say I was average at it would be generous. As a matter of fact, I was horrible. But everyone was mediocre so I at least got to start, and it was fun, and the camaraderie was worth it.

 

About a month ago, while I was back in my home area, I contacted some guys I used to play with. We got together for drinks and caught up.

 

Now, why am I talking about this? Because from reading your threads, you and these guys have something in common.

 

When we were in HS, the two guys I'm talking about took football very seriously. They were definitely better than me at it, and it occupied a correspondingly bigger place in their lives. Being football players was their identity. They didn't take anything as seriously as they took playing football... but it wasn't just that they played football, they WERE football players. That was what they valued themselves for. Their social circles, social life, sense of accomplishment... it all came from football.

 

Needless to say, they might have been better than me, but they weren't actually good. So a bunch of years of sitting on the bench at D3 colleges later, they're no longer football players. And they still live around home, so you can probably guess what their professional lives look like.

 

Why am I telling this long-ass story?

 

Like the two guys, you've pinned your self worth on something, and you're not prepared to function without it. For them it was playing football, for you its having your ideal girlfriend. You need to get some more balance in your life man. Lord knows they wished they had something else going for them other than football now.

 

It sounds like you don't know how to live in the world as you've constructed it. That is bad.

Edited April 30, 2014 by hasaquestion