How horrible is it to have a girl on the side in case your girlfriend leaves you?

[pteromom]

I actually did more than half of those on a consistent basis.

 

Though looking on this forum and the crap that women put up with from their BF's and still stay with them, the fact that I didn't treat my ex like a queen is not a valid reason for her dumping me.

 

There may not be a "valid" reason, in your eyes. There are many reasons people decide they don't want to be in a relationship, and some of them aren't valid or rational. And then of course, sometimes people are selfish, or too weak to stay in a relationship. You may never know the real reason.

 

I can tell you this... it gets easier. That first heartbreak is brutal. But eventually, you are able to see that it is a GOOD THING when things don't work out with someone who doesn't want to be with you or who is incompatible with you.

 

You can't be a pessimist about it. You will never be able to create the open intimate relationship you want if you have one foot out the door, or if you go into it feeling doomed to fail. You have to jump in, knowing that there's a chance you will be hurt again. But the only path to true love is true vulnerability.

 

As much as you are hurting now, you will still be OK. And you have to know that no matter what happens, you will be OK if it happens again. And of course, there's always that chance that you will meet someone and will live happily ever after with her.

 

You have to work on laughing and getting yourself happy though. You can't just say "Oh, I can only be happy in a relationship, so I am going to be Grumpy Cat and hope someone is attracted to that." Ain't gonna happen. People have an aura around them, and others are attracted to or repelled by that aura. If you walk around being a sad sack, angry and bitter, or fearful and timid (even if you are putting on a fake smile on the outside), you are NOT going to attract anyone... or anyone you attract is going to be a very damaged person.

 

Read some books on learning to be happy and fulfilled and confident. When you tell yourself it's impossible and you are just a person who can't be happy alone, realize that it isn't true - that is just what you have convinced yourself of, and if you start trying something different, you may get different results.

 

You will get past this heartbreak and move on to something new and better. But it takes time.

[Phoe]

If I wasn't clear, I completely trusted my ex and was extremely open with her. I was very vulnerable. Look at how that turned out.

 

You being open and vulnerable had NO correlation with your relationship ending. They are mutually exclusive. Don't lump them in together and say "Look how that turned out" - had you not been open and vulnerable, the relationship still would have ended the same way. Don't create a pattern where you shut yourself down to avoid pain, claiming a relationship is "doomed" anyway, because if there's one guarantee to dooming a relationship, it's shutting down.

 

 

Self-sabotage. Doom it from the beginning because you're convinced it's doomed anyway. How about instead, put all you can into a relationship, do the right thing, be open and honest, and if it doesn't work out, don't consider it to have been "doomed", and don't say that you should have done XYZ to avoid the pain, just consider it as a relationship that just wasn't meant to be.

 

 

Do the right thing in relationships, and be proud of yourself for that even if they don't work out, or do the wrong thing, watch them SURELY fall apart, become bitter, and have nothing to be proud of.

 

 

In my eyes, it's an easy choice. Do the right thing. Every time.

 

 

I remember you saying that you were cheated on by your past boyfriends. Did you find out during the relationship or afterwards?

 

How does you being cheated on affect you?

 

I would suspect it during, get called insane, and then when they leave me, I find out the truth and that they were leaving me for that other girl.

 

 

It affected me badly because it created that precedent where I'm convinced I'm not a good enough girlfriend. I am a giver by nature, and when I'm given the impression that my giving still isn't good enough, I end up tearing myself apart trying to please.

 

 

It's something I'm still working on, with the help of my boyfriend. Trusting that I am good enough. He is now aware that my exes had a bad impact on me, and this knowledge for him has made things a lot easier between us. He's realized that verbal reassurance and affirmations have a wonderful effect on me. Simple praise, him simply telling me "thank you baby, I am happy you did 'xyz' for me" really helps me relax and feel reassured. And if I did something he's not happy about, coming to me clearly and calmly, in a straightforward manner, helps a lot. I wish I didn't need the reassurances, but I do, and now that he knows that simple reassurances have a very positive impact on me, it's easy for him to make sure that if he is happy and thankful, he simply says so.

 

Because that person you are keeping on the side could be very hurt by your duplicitous behavior.

 

 

Yep, and I have also unknowingly been the side girl. Being so confused about WHY he didn't want to commit, WHY he was hesitant and keeping me at arms length - turns out he was very much so already taken and engaged. He's now married to her.

 

 

THAT one hurt me pretty badly too...

 

So the general consensus is that it is a horrible idea and will pretty much doom the next relationship from the start.

 

 

Yes, this, totally and completely.

[ThaWholigan]

SD, you can never avoid pain. Pain is necessary in life, no matter what area of our lives we experience it. Pain facilitates growth and teaches us things if we choose to acknowledge and research the real reasons why.

 

Pain is inevitable. I know - I've tried the whole avoiding pain thing. Its the one thing you truly "can't do". Something you seem to say a lot - "I can't, I can't, I can't". You said it again in response to finding ways to be happy on your own.

 

The best thing you can do is learn to accept that you will hurt in this life. Any time we are vulnerable, we can be hurt. Nobody is exempt from this - even sociopaths. Learn to live with it or stay stagnant.

 

As for the OP, its a bad idea. It sounds plausible, but there are only certain types of people who can (barely) sustain a set-up like that. You most certainly are not one of them, nor should you be.

[ThaWholigan]

Think about when you weightlift - next day you are sore as f-ck and in pain. But when those microtears in you muscles heal, you are bigger, stronger and more durable.

 

Pain begets growth begets strength.

[Anela]

This is such a bad idea, and YES, her pain matters, too. Listen to everyone else.

[thedj10show]

Somedude, a lot of my dating woes are very similar to yours, and I feel the same way, short, ugly, and skinny to boot. Unlike you, I did get engaged to my first girlfriend, and it went south anyways. It's been four plus years and I'm just starting to kindle a relationship with someone now. But I can always look back and say that I never abused or played with a girl the way some guys can and have no remorse. You sound like a morally sound dude. Don't lose that sense of yourself. You'll only feel worse about it when you break someone else's heart if you decide to play it this way. Treating others like crap doesn't fix the hole in your heart. Ask me how I know..

[carhill]

I think you're also missing a big dose of reality.

 

I mean, it took you how long to find your first gf? I mean let's be honest here...if you're struggling so much to attract A woman...you're not exactly going to be in a situation where when you finally do find someone else, that yet ANOTHER girl is going to be knocking down your door.

 

I mean, to me it sounds like someone who can't even pay their bills contemplating whether or not they should vacation in Europe or the Bahamas.

That makes sense logically and I saw it pretty much the same way while I was married, during the early years anyway, simply because it (taking forever to find a suitable dating/mating partner) had always been the case when single. However, little did I know that things apparently changed when getting married and the women came out of the woodwork and potential parallel relationships/interactions became practically effortless, should I have had the proclivity.

 

I'll bet, based on the OP's posting here, it never even occurred to him to keep his eyes open for another potential partner because, like myself, he had eyes only for his partner during their six month relationship. Perhaps, it's only now, just as I reflected later, that he's going, whoa, there were other opportunities but he just ignored them and is pondering an alternative style of interaction, apparently now dismissed as unhealthy. Wise choice OP

[KaliLove]

Having a 'backup plan' is a cowardly, selfish, and cruel thing to do to both women.

 

Besides..what happens when (when, not if) you get caught and dumped by both women? You get twice as much pain, that's what.

 

So there goes that plan.

[somedude81]

I think you're also missing a big dose of reality.

 

I mean, it took you how long to find your first gf? I mean let's be honest here...if you're struggling so much to attract A woman...you're not exactly going to be in a situation where when you finally do find someone else, that yet ANOTHER girl is going to be knocking down your door.

 

I mean, to me it sounds like someone who can't even pay their bills contemplating whether or not they should vacation in Europe or the Bahamas.

 

That makes sense logically and I saw it pretty much the same way while I was married, during the early years anyway, simply because it (taking forever to find a suitable dating/mating partner) had always been the case when single. However, little did I know that things apparently changed when getting married and the women came out of the woodwork and potential parallel relationships/interactions became practically effortless, should I have had the proclivity.

 

I'll bet, based on the OP's posting here, it never even occurred to him to keep his eyes open for another potential partner because, like myself, he had eyes only for his partner during their six month relationship. Perhaps, it's only now, just as I reflected later, that he's going, whoa, there were other opportunities but he just ignored them and is pondering an alternative style of interaction, apparently now dismissed as unhealthy. Wise choice OP

Carhil is right.

 

It does get easier when you are in a relationship and women seem more interested. A big part of that is possibly due to the fact that you are more attractive to women when you are happier. That is something I've been saying over and over in this thread.

 

While it never did occur to me to keep my eyes open for another girl when I was with my ex, I'm pretty sure that I would have been able to get another girlfriend when I was dating her if I wanted to.

 

There are a couple of reasons for that. I would be happy and have more confidence. Both of which are attractive qualities. Also I would be much more open to take risks. I could be more bold simply because I wouldn't care about rejection at all. I wouldn't give a damn if some girl rejected me when I knew I was going to have sex with my GF later that night.

 

Though in the end I had no interest in other women at all when I was with my ex. I didn't take dance class during the fall, because I mainly take them to meet women, and I don't think I even had a conversation with any of the girls in my classes. My ex was all I needed.

 

Which still sounds like a big mistake.

Edited April 30, 2014 by somedude81

[somedude81]

The fact that you place so much of your self worth on another person means that you will find it difficult to be happy and have healthy relationships.

My relationship with my ex felt completely healthy to me.

 

We never had a single argument in the six months we were together. Sure there were a couple of disagreements but we were always able to work through them. We just got along really really well.

 

That is why I was completely shocked to one day have a GF and be in a great relationship, to the next day being dumped. It was so completely random with no signs whatsoever that she wanted out.

 

Nobody would be happy if their BF/GF suddenly dumped them tomorrow with no warning whatsoever. Seriously, everybody reading this should think about how they would react if their partner told them, "My feelings have changed and no longer love you anymore. Good bye." Then you never see that person again.

 

This is the simple truth. Relationships end sometimes. You will not be with everyone you date for the rest of your life, that's how it goes, so you need to be able to have confidence, happiness, feel attractive and have a good sense of self even when single, as if and when any relationship ends, if you don't have that your life will seem extremely abysmal.

I have tried for years and years to feel happy and confident by myself. I tired therapy and medication. The only thing that worked was getting a GF. The change was completely natural.

 

I know that having a girl on the side in case my main one breaks up with me is a terrible idea. So I have to really think about ways to keep my relationships from falling apart, and how to minimize the time I spend single. So far I've been single for five months, and that's just way too long.

You can mourn and it's normal to feel scared, lonely, not confident after heartbreak, but people whose self worth is in tact eventually move on from it and can get back on the saddle again and have a full and happy life and meet someone new. People who are moping around and can't be happy unless they are with someone are very unattractive and even if they end up in a relationship usually the cycle repeats as they put so much on this person for their happiness and if and when this new thing ends, as it often does, they plummet even further. It's a horrible cycle.

I am tired of moping. So I'm going to have to force myself to be more aggressive with women, and put on a brave face.

 

Since I've only had one GF so far, I don't know if this will be a cycle. Ask me again after my third relationship

[somedude81]

You seriously think you could have gotten another gf at the same time you were with your ex? Really? Hate to burst your bubble but you're HOW old and you've had HOW many gfs? One. In roughly fifteen years of being of dating age.

 

With those odds I wouldn't bank on you finding two gfs at the same time. And I know all about how much more attractive taken men are supposed to be (some truth to it but not a whole lot).

 

So let's say your attraction doubles (I'm being ridiculously generous btw) because you're with someone. So instead of one gf every fifteen years you get one every 7.5 years.

 

I still wouldn't bet on those odds.

 

My point is. Quit thinking of ridiculous ideas on how to hedge your next gf. You're counting your chickens before they hatch and you don't even have any eggs.

You're assuming that my odds of getting a second GF are only 2 times as good as when I'm single. I'm thinking that it would be about 10 times as good.

 

As I said before, it's a combination of being more attractive and less fear of rejection. Frankly, I think not putting myself out there and just trying to flirt with and ask out lots of women is my primary weakness. Also, if I had a GF, I'd be fine with being somebody elses side piece.

 

Of course I know that this isn't an option.

[somedude81]

Why don't you just worry about getting to a point where you not only can attract a woman but you can actually keep her. The first part is easy.

 

The second part you still have a long way to go on.

Eventhough my relationship ended in failure, I do believe that it's easier to keep a GF than to get a girl to want to date me.

 

My ex just had a freakout which was all about her.

[somedude81]

I think your ex left you because you smothered her.

I completely disagree with you.

 

If it was all about her why did she block you from all methods of contact?

It took her a few months post breakup for her to block me from everything. She blocked me because she said I was bugging her by asking her why she dumped me. She felt that I was ranting at her. We had one semi-argument over text and that was the last straw for her. I have records of all the emails and texts between us.

 

 

 

She sure doesn't sound like someone who had a change of heart. She sounds like someone who is pissed and is telling you to stay away.

Yes she did become pissed at me. Though I really think she was projecting on to me. She knows that she doesn't actually have a reason to be mad at me and that I never did anything to her.

 

Yes she did have a change of heart, that's why she dumped me. And she did it without any warning signs and completely refused all requests to meet up and talk face-to-face after she dumped me.

 

Problems or not, if this girl was really into you she would have stuck around. Is she back with her bf? No? Then you weren't a rebound.

Why would she have to go back to her ex for me to be a rebound? She left her ex for me. She was single for about three weeks before our first date. She was with him for three years. Rebound or not, she was monkey branching and she wasn't able to do it without it really affecting her. She wasn't able to get as emotionally invested in me as she should have been after six months. She saw that I was there, noticed the imbalance, freaked out, then dumped me.

 

Keeping a partner is far more difficult than getting dates.

Only one way to find out.

[Million.to.1]

As if a woman would ever care enough about me to let my actions have any affect on her.

 

 

I'm been pretty much saying that it's impossible to keep somebody and they will leave. So because I can't stop that, I want to try to remove the pain that will come when they leave.

 

 

You have such a defeatist attitude. You have already assumed that any woman who gets involved with you is better than you and will eventually leave.

 

It's a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

 

.. and for the record Somedude.. most of us would say that every woman or man thats's been in our lives has hurt us. All my ex's hurt me. You get over it.

 

Love is a risk. If you don't want to get hurt, don't play.

[somedude81]

You have such a defeatist attitude. You have already assumed that any woman who gets involved with you is better than you and will eventually leave.

 

It's a self fulfilling prophecy.

Yes I do assume that, which makes me realize how stupid my discussion with KungFuJoe was.

 

He was arguing that it's harder to keep a woman. And for some reason I was arguing against him, when deep down I'm afraid that every woman I date would leave me.

 

Yes I was afraid that my ex would leave me. It felt like things were too good to last. The fear of her leaving me is the only reason why I never told her that I loved her. I didn't want to get too invested in her for when she did leave. Of course I failed and she saw that I was very invested.

 

When I get a new GF, I can already imagine myself lying awake at night thinking that she will leave me, even if she's currently right there with me in bed.

 

My ex dumping me like she did had a huge negative impact on me. I was already afraid that every woman I get close to and have feelings for would leave me, like they've all done up to her even though they were just friends, and then she went ahead and did it too.

 

All it did was magnify and confirm my fears.

 

.. and for the record Somedude.. most of us would say that every woman or man thats's been in our lives has hurt us. All my ex's hurt me. You get over it.

Well if all of us here have been primarily dumpees then I would agree with you. I've never hurt my ex, though I can't imagine her posting here. Why would she when everything goes her fu*king way!

 

Love is a risk. If you don't want to get hurt, don't play.

Unfortunately not playing is not an option. I'm much too miserable alone to purposely go without because I'm afraid of getting hurt.

[ThaWholigan]

Your ex dumping you should have been a wake-up call - as in "hey, maybe placing my self-worth and happiness in another person isn't such a good idea!"......seems like you didn't get the memo.

[iiiii]

My relationship with my ex felt completely healthy to me.

 

We never had a single argument in the six months we were together. Sure there were a couple of disagreements but we were always able to work through them. We just got along really really well.

 

That is why I was completely shocked to one day have a GF and be in a great relationship, to the next day being dumped. It was so completely random with no signs whatsoever that she wanted out.

 

That is really ****ty. I am not surprised you feel so upset about that. It would be traumatic for anyone.

 

But I've got to ask, didn't you see any warning signs that your ex wasn't as happy as you were?

 

I mean, the girl had clearly been thinking about this for days or weeks or even months before she dumped you - no one just gets up one morning and thinks "gee, I've just fallen out of love overnight for no reason and I'll dump the guy right now!"

 

So, there must have been some problem with communication in your relationship - something was wrong as far as she was concerned, and either she wasn't telling you about it, or you weren't hearing it.

 

Not trying to pick open the wound, but if you can work out what went wrong with the last relationship, at least you can maybe avoid that happening again.

Edited April 30, 2014 by iiiii

[ThaWholigan]

That is really ****ty. I am not surprised you feel so upset about that. It would be traumatic for anyone.

 

But I've got to ask, didn't you see any warning signs that your ex wasn't as happy as you were?

 

I mean, the girl had clearly been thinking about this for days or weeks or even months before she dumped you - no one just gets up one morning and thinks "gee, I've just fallen out of love overnight for no reason and I'll dump the guy right now!"

 

So, there must have been some problem with communication in your relationship - something was wrong as far as she was concerned, and either she wasn't telling you about it, or you weren't hearing it.

 

Not trying to pick open the wound, but if you can work out what went wrong with the last relationship, at least you can maybe avoid that happening again.

I'm sorry, but if I've been in a relationship for nearly 6 months and there hasn't been one disagreement the ENTIRE time, somethings wrong

[mickleb]

You said you've slept with swingers before. That it was easy. You could find someone in a day.

 

You also said the sex wasn't as good as it was with your ex because it lacked the emotional connection.

 

If you attempt to have two girlfriends at the same time, you'll be acting like a swinger. But a lying swinger. A cheater. So, why don't you think the sex will be compromised? Not only will there be a lack of emotional connection because you're sharing yourself, you'll have the guilt about what you're doing to exacerbate that.

 

If finding sex with a swinger was so easy, and you see no logical problem with your plan, why don't you aim to have an open relationship with someone you meet who is already swinging? You said you wouldn't mind being someone's bit on the side, if you had the same.

 

If a monogamous relationship is seemingly impossible for you to get, get what you can with a swinger!

 

However, if you think you would really like to have a monogamous relationship. A fully emotionally satisfying relationship. That you'd like to commit to someone and maybe have children with them, do it right. If you do it wrong, you'll end up more hurt, having hurt others (including any children you may have).

 

Choose which option you want: one healthy relationship, or one that includes others that is less intimate. You don't have to lie, and make it worse for everyone involved, to have either.

[Leigh 87]

Yes I know it's cheating, which I'm completely against; but after how my relationship ended and left me emotionally, I'm starting to get slight second thoughts.

 

Putting it in simple terms, I was and mostly still am devastated by my ex leaving me. I really want to get a new GF but my confidence is gone, I'm sad, tired, and overall not performing anywhere near at my norm.

 

I'm unattractive.

 

Conversely, when I was with my GF, I was happy, had very high confidence, great self-esteem, the world was wonderful etc.

 

I was attractive.

 

Looking at it just from those viewpoints, the best time for me to meet and date women, was when I was in a relationship. Heck, rejection wouldn't bug me at all because I already had a great GF.

 

When I was with my GF had no desire to stray at all. I was in it for the long haul. I expected to be with her for a long time. Then I got burned.

 

If I had a girl on the side, when my ex left me, I probably would have taken the breakup and its aftermath far less harshly.

 

To make it clear, I'm still completely against cheating, but when I'm struggling, trying to find another girl, these are thoughts that are going through my head. Of course there's also the thought that, "She dumped me, why does it matter if I cheated on her?"

 

 

 

 

This post is all about YOU.

 

What would make YOU less devastated.

 

Once you are completely in love, on the deepest possible level *that* sort of love with *that* girl, you will absolutely not even entertain this idea.

 

What you want will go out the window when you meet the right person, trust me I know this first hand. The mere thought of hurting them or losing them even a fraction VIA keeping a back up girl, would not be viable when you feel "that" way about your girlfriend.

 

Giving up travel would have devastated me until recently I realised that... I would happily give it up in order to have a relationship with the guy I feel is right for me on every level. In fact, I am going on one last trip in a year and after that, I am happy to give it all up for him; I am happy to then save for a mortgage together and start a family in ten years.

Edited April 30, 2014 by Leigh 87

[MidwestUSA]

As I said before, it's a combination of being more attractive and less fear of rejection. Frankly, I think not putting myself out there and just trying to flirt with and ask out lots of women is my primary weakness. Also, if I had a GF, I'd be fine with being somebody elses side piece.

 

It's easy for you to say this now. When you have a girlfriend again, you'll be a 'one woman man' and your monogamous instincts will override everything. You have shown that when you're into someone, it's her, and only her.

 

As for getting with another right after a break up (as therapy), you'd be too much of a wreck to carry it out.

 

So, might as well stop thinking along these lines.

[somedude81]

That is really ****ty. I am not surprised you feel so upset about that. It would be traumatic for anyone.

 

But I've got to ask, didn't you see any warning signs that your ex wasn't as happy as you were?

 

I mean, the girl had clearly been thinking about this for days or weeks or even months before she dumped you - no one just gets up one morning and thinks "gee, I've just fallen out of love overnight for no reason and I'll dump the guy right now!"

 

So, there must have been some problem with communication in your relationship - something was wrong as far as she was concerned, and either she wasn't telling you about it, or you weren't hearing it.

 

Not trying to pick open the wound, but if you can work out what went wrong with the last relationship, at least you can maybe avoid that happening again.

Later on after she dumped me, when she was willing to give me some details, she told that she had felt unsure about the relationship for almost a month before she ended it. When I asked her why she didn't tell me anything, she said that it wasn't her style or something to tell me that she was thinking about dumping me, and she wanted to be sure of her feelings first "before she made a hasty decision."

 

So apparently there were about two weeks we were together that she felt unsure, but didn't show me any signs at all. She didn't pull back affectionately and we were still having frequent sex.

 

The real kicker was while she was feeling this way I had already made plans to go visit my dad for Thanksgiving, and I would be gone almost two weeks. Again she did not tell me, or give me any signs that the relationship was on the rocks. So then she used the time I was gone to decide to dump me.

 

When I was gone we only communicated over text, which was normal for us. She pretended that nothing between us had change. She also helped make plans for what we were going to do when I got back. We agreed to have her spend two nights at my place.

 

The day after I got back, she came over to my place, with her overnight back packed with clothes, and dumped me. She pretended that everything was fine up until the very end. It wasn't until I was starting to get frisky with her did she say, "Before we start anything I have to talk."

 

So about a month. ~two weeks before my trip, and the two weeks I was gone. If I didn't go on that trip, I'm sure I would have noticed that something was wrong with her.

Edited April 30, 2014 by somedude81

[clia]

Yes she did become pissed at me. Though I really think she was projecting on to me. She knows that she doesn't actually have a reason to be mad at me and that I never did anything to her.

 

Yes she did have a change of heart, that's why she dumped me. And she did it without any warning signs and completely refused all requests to meet up and talk face-to-face after she dumped me.

 

Why would she have to go back to her ex for me to be a rebound? She left her ex for me. She was single for about three weeks before our first date. She was with him for three years. Rebound or not, she was monkey branching and she wasn't able to do it without it really affecting her. She wasn't able to get as emotionally invested in me as she should have been after six months. She saw that I was there, noticed the imbalance, freaked out, then dumped me.

 

I think you ultimately are doing yourself a huge disservice when you keep insisting that the break-up had nothing to do with you and that there were no signs.

 

First, there were signs. I can't remember them all from your prior posts, but let's start with two things: her decreasing the amount of time she spent with you and not introducing you to her friends during the six months you dated. Those are not signs of a relationship moving forward. You see more of each other, not less. You integrate the person into your life -- that means spending time with friends. I know you'll say that she decreased the time because she was working a lot, was busy...well then why didn't you make an effort to see her? Why didn't you go to her? Oh, that's right -- because for sex to happen she had to drive the hour to you.

 

Second, was it all a rebound? Who knows. You keep insisting that it was, but the reality is that you don't know. Her relationship might have had nothing to do with why she didn't have deep feelings for you at six months. After you pressured her, she gave you several reasons about why she was unhappy in the relationship. I'm 100% positive there were more reasons. You gloss over those reasons. You claim they were BS reasons. Who are you to say that? 21 year olds break up with boyfriends for a lot of reasons that might sound dumb to a more mature person; but there were reasons.

 

Your denial and lack of introspection about things you could have done differently isn't going to help you in your next relationship. At some point you have to take responsibility.

[ASG]

My relationship with my ex felt completely healthy to me.

 

We never had a single argument in the six months we were together. Sure there were a couple of disagreements but we were always able to work through them. We just got along really really well.

 

That is why I was completely shocked to one day have a GF and be in a great relationship, to the next day being dumped. It was so completely random with no signs whatsoever that she wanted out.

 

Nobody would be happy if their BF/GF suddenly dumped them tomorrow with no warning whatsoever. Seriously, everybody reading this should think about how they would react if their partner told them, "My feelings have changed and no longer love you anymore. Good bye." Then you never see that person again.

 

 

You talk as if your situation was unique!

 

When I was young and stupid I had this boyfriend... he was a bad boy, but I was smitten. We didn't date for long... About a month, I think, but at 16 everything is bigger and better and faster.

 

One day, we were invited to a mutual friend's pool and I told him I was going and made my way there. He showed up at some point, barely acknowledged me and just like that, broke it off and left!

Shocked doesn't even begin to cover how I felt!

 

In hindsight, he clearly wasn't that into me and that became clear not long after, when he started dating another girl in our group (and they dated for over a year, if I remember correctly, so it wasn't a commitment thing).

 

 

The thing is... everyone here on this forum has been through what you've been through. We've all been dumped and suffered heartbreak.

 

That does not mean, though, that we now keep a bit on the side to lessen the pain!

 

The only way to not be hurt is to not play. Even in relationships that last, there is going to be heartache!

 

My mom and step dad have been together now for 20+ years. It's a successful relationship, but it's also one that has had very nasty blows!

4 years ago, my mom was on the verge of leaving him. They did nothing but argue for almost a year. I remember having my mom calling me everyday when they were on holiday with my step sisters (the witches!), crying while hiding in their room, because every time she interacted with anyone, an argument would start. I was heart broken!

They got over it and are now stronger for it, but the challenges don't stop. My 40 year old step sisters keep trying to break them up. There's a lot of hurt! But there's also a lot of love and it has, for the most part, won!

 

I'm sure other people in this board who have long term relationships also have highs and lows in their relationship. And sometimes the lows are really low and they HURT! A LOT!

 

You just need to deal with it!

[iiiii]

Hmmm, so for at least a couple of weeks something was wrong and she didn't tell you, and you didn't guess (not saying you should have - it's pretty hard to mind read).

 

So far as I can see, the two things that could have happened were:

 

a) either she decided you were just totally wrong for her for some reason (which is her choice), or

 

b) there was some problem there that you guys could have fixed if she had told you about it early enough. In that case, the communication between you guys was the real relationship killer. It takes two to communicate - because communication is about talking, but also about creating a welcoming atmosphere for discussion, an atmosphere where both people feel safe sharing possibly unpleasant or challenging things without worrying if their partner will blow up or get defensive or sulk.

 

I'm not saying that is what happened, it might not be, but worth considering, eh.