How horrible is it to have a girl on the side in case your girlfriend leaves you?

[Smilecharmer]

You do know forgiveness is for you, don't you? To release all these leftover feelings and forgive her for not being the one for you. Even if you thought she was, she didn't agree so now let her go. Invest that energy into contentment with yourself and what this relationship taught you.

[Els]

I didn't read the whole thread but I have a question about one or two posts, SD. Why do you sometimes refer to your ex as a bitch? A woman leaving you because she doesn't love you doesn't make her a bitch. It just means that at her end, the relationship has fizzled out.

 

A woman is not a bitch for falling out of love with you, nor is she a bitch because she ended the relationship. She has every right to do that, and it (falling out of love) happens because she's human. Just like it would be your right to dump her if you didn't love her anymore.

 

Besides, you know what really WOULD make her a bitch?

 

Doing the exact same thing this thread title is about, except with the genders reversed.

[Taramere]

Yes I know it's cheating, which I'm completely against; but after how my relationship ended and left me emotionally, I'm starting to get slight second thoughts.

 

Putting it in simple terms, I was and mostly still am devastated by my ex leaving me. I really want to get a new GF but my confidence is gone, I'm sad, tired, and overall not performing anywhere near at my norm.

 

I'm unattractive.

 

Conversely, when I was with my GF, I was happy, had very high confidence, great self-esteem, the world was wonderful etc.

 

I was attractive.

 

Looking at it just from those viewpoints, the best time for me to meet and date women, was when I was in a relationship. Heck, rejection wouldn't bug me at all because I already had a great GF.

 

When I was with my GF had no desire to stray at all. I was in it for the long haul. I expected to be with her for a long time. Then I got burned.

 

If I had a girl on the side, when my ex left me, I probably would have taken the breakup and its aftermath far less harshly.

 

To make it clear, I'm still completely against cheating, but when I'm struggling, trying to find another girl, these are thoughts that are going through my head. Of course there's also the thought that, "She dumped me, why does it matter if I cheated on her?"

 

I think you have to look inside yourself for solutions that you'll be able to live with. In this case, that means imagining yourself as the person who is either "the fallback guy in case things with my boyfriend don't work out" or "the boyfriend who doesn't know that his girlfriend is keeping the fires stoked with a fallback guy."

 

If you find the notion of inhabiting either of those roles acceptable, then whatever anybody thinks of your choices you will probably be able to live with them. If, however, you would find it demeaning and generally horrible (to use your own word) to discover that you were that fallback guy/the boyfriend of somebody who was maintaining a fallback guy, then putting other people in that sort of situation is likely something you'll live to regret. At the very least, probably not like nor respect yourself very much for doing.

 

You have to work out your ethics on this one, and I think that does start with considering whether you'd find it reasonable/fair for you to be placed in the kind of situation you're talking about placing others in.

[clia]

I don't understand how you see this type of situation actually playing out and agree that it will probably backfire on you.

 

You start dating Girl A. In the meantime, you are actively trying to make "friends" with Girl B (and possible C, D...). But the motive with Girl B is not to be her "friend." You will not choose a Girl B (or Girl C, or Girl D) unless they are up to your standards for dating. You will then pretend to be her "friend" while you continue to date and be exclusive with Girl A.

 

How do you think Girl A is going to react to your proactively trying to make female friends while you are dating her? Do you expect to spend one-on-one time with Girl B while you are dating Girl A? What do you expect the friendship with Girl B to actually be like? It's very different to come into a relationship with established female friends versus making new female "friends" while you are dating someone.

 

Assuming Girl A dumps you, how do you expect to convince Girl B (or Girl C or Girl D) to be your rebound and to start dating you? How soon will you make a move? What makes you think you won't just have friendzoned yourself with Girl B? I don't flirt with any of my male friends, nor would I ever even consider dating any of them.

 

Do you really think women are that interchangeable? If you have any emotional connection at all with Girl A, you are still going to be very hurt if she dumps you. You can't just plug Girl B or C into her place and expect the world to be a wonderful place again.

[somedude81]

Besides, you know what really WOULD make her a bitch?

 

Doing the exact same thing this thread title is about, except with the genders reversed.

 

And yet, I think it's exactly what happened.

 

I don't believe that my ex goes out of her way to meet guys to replace her boyfriends. But because she's pretty while having a warm and sweet personality, guys come to her.

 

I wonder how many men have expressed an interest in her during the six months we were together.

 

Despite what people try to tell me, I know that most attractive women have a lot of options. Because of that, I'm worried about how long I can keep a pretty girl into me.

[somedude81]

I don't understand how you see this type of situation actually playing out and agree that it will probably backfire on you.

 

You start dating Girl A. In the meantime, you are actively trying to make "friends" with Girl B (and possible C, D...). But the motive with Girl B is not to be her "friend." You will not choose a Girl B (or Girl C, or Girl D) unless they are up to your standards for dating. You will then pretend to be her "friend" while you continue to date and be exclusive with Girl A.

I never pretend to be friends with women. Just because I wanted to have sex with girls that were my friends, did not mean that I did not think of them as friends.

 

How do you think Girl A is going to react to your proactively trying to make female friends while you are dating her?

Why would she care, and how would it be her business at all?

 

People in relationships make new friends all the time.

 

It's very different to come into a relationship with established female friends versus making new female "friends" while you are dating someone.

How so?

 

 

Do you expect to spend one-on-one time with Girl B while you are dating Girl A?

Why not? People in relationships spend time one-on-one with opposite gender friends. My ex had a guy friend she went hiking with a couple of times.

 

I had no say in who she spent time with and I didn't try to control her.

 

Is there still a problem of somebody having opposite gender friends that they spend time alone with if nothing physical is happening?

 

What do you expect the friendship with Girl B to actually be like?

Just a normal friendship, nothing out of the ordinary.

 

 

Assuming Girl A dumps you, how do you expect to convince Girl B (or Girl C or Girl D) to be your rebound and to start dating you? How soon will you make a move? What makes you think you won't just have friendzoned yourself with Girl B?

I'm assuming that one or more of them would just fall for me

 

Do you really think women are that interchangeable? If you have any emotional connection at all with Girl A, you are still going to be very hurt if she dumps you. You can't just plug Girl B or C into her place and expect the world to be a wonderful place again.

Sure I'd be really hurt when A leaves.

 

Lets say that I had a girl B who was a friend that I knew liked me.

 

My ex leaves me in December, and I'm devastated and all that. Then in March I start dating B. By the time May comes around, I'm feeling good as new, happily with B and don't care about my ex at all.

 

Now compare that to how I am now.

 

What situation sounds better?

[Anela]

This is so messed up.

[Phoe]

Why would she care, and how would it be her business at all?

 

People in relationships make new friends all the time.

 

Well, there's a difference between friendships that occur naturally within social circles and at work, hobby functions, and a friendship that develops because a man and a woman are spending time ALONE, one on one, regularly, because the man is specifically pursuing a friendship alone with a woman.

 

 

THAT will raise red flags.

 

 

I have male friends who I met through work, or through my already established social circles. I NEVER hang out with them one on one, and I NEVER make any attempts at, say, "nurturing" and "growing" a stronger friendship with them. That is simply not appropriate behavior for someone in a relationship.

 

 

As for whether it's someone's business? Well... you can have a relationship where who each person hangs out with is no one's business, but that will not be the kind of relationship that grows to be serious and lasting.

 

 

When fostering a relationship with someone who you may spend the rest of your life with, who you may start a family with, who they socialize with regularly DOES become relevant.

 

 

Now, there's definitely a bit of an exception when it comes down to long-time friendships, like a childhood friendship between a man and woman, where being platonic has LONG since been established and is not questioned. With those kinds of friendships, interaction between those two obviously should continue, but even still, the person who is now in the relationship should be involved with these interactions, or at least aware, and comfortable with how these interactions happen.

 

 

I would NOT want to marry and start a family with a man who finds it necessary to foster friendships and regular alone time with other women, where I am totally uninvolved, and seemingly in the dark. A man who has female friends who are coworkers, long time friends, or part of a social circle? Totally fine as long as I am AWARE and informed and not feeling like I am totally excluded from that part of his life.

 

 

If you are not yet looking for a relationship of that level, then fine. But if you are looking for the quality relationship to last you a lifetime, your behavior has to be a bit different.

 

 

As you've mentioned to me before, a taken person should ACT taken. Be appropriate, be respectful of your partner.

[clia]

I never pretend to be friends with women. Just because I wanted to have sex with girls that were my friends, did not mean that I did not think of them as friends.

 

But you have an ulterior motive for the friendship. That isn't just "Hey, I'm making friends!" It's not innocent. The whole point of doing it is so you have back-up in case Girl A dumps you. Are you going to make friends with girls you aren't attracted to? Probably not, right? Are you going to make male friends? I don't really understand why you can't just make some friends without the ulterior motive.

 

Why would she care, and how would it be her business at all?

 

You are going in to the relationship with no friends. And suddenly you are going to start making friends -- female friends? You think she isn't going to wonder what is going on? If you are truly having a relationship with Girl A, you making new female friends and hanging out with them one on one will be her business. If she is jealous at all that is going to bother the heck of out her. It would bother most people, frankly. How would you feel? Wouldn't that feel a little off if your girlfriend went out to dinner with a new male friend while you were exclusive? That's the kind of behavior that will get you dumped.

 

People in relationships make new friends all the time.

 

Of course they do. But most don't have an ulterior motive. I am certainly not going out trying to make new male friends. My fiance isn't going out trying to make new female friends. We have made new friends together, both male and female, but that's different.

 

How so?

 

Because it's an established friendship. You assume if they wanted to hook up or date, they would've done it by now. And you're right -- as the new person coming in you really don't have any right to tell her not to be friends with someone she knew long before you came along. But can't you see how that's a totally different scenario? Compare:

 

Situation 1:

 

You: I'm going hiking with my friend Sally tomorrow afternoon.

Her: Oh, you haven't mentioned Sally before. How do you know her?

You: We went to high school together.

 

Situation 2:

 

You: I'm going hiking with my friend Sally tomorrow afternoon.

Her: Oh, you haven't mentioned Sally before. How do you know her?

You: I met her last week at Starbucks.

 

Why not? People in relationships spend time one-on-one with opposite gender friends. My ex had a guy friend she went hiking with a couple of times.

 

Right. He was a friend she already had when she started seeing you. What would you have thought if she had met a new guy when she was out and about and went hiking with him?

 

I had no say in who she spent time with and I didn't try to control her.

 

Would you have been upset if she was spending time with a new guy she had just met the week before?

 

Is there still a problem of somebody having opposite gender friends that they spend time alone with if nothing physical is happening?

 

For the reasons above, I think it is different when they are long term friendships and/or people you knew before the relationship began.

 

Just a normal friendship, nothing out of the ordinary.

 

What types of things do you think you will do with these new friends?

 

What situation sounds better?

 

I think the best situation would be for you to meet a new girl!

[hasaquestion]

Somedude81 you need to look at the big picture for a minute.

 

You're worrying about what you would do to keep an attractive girlfriend. To keep an attractive girlfriend, you need to get an attractive girlfriend. To get an attractive girlfriend, you need to be able to get any girlfriend at all. Could you get a not-attractive girl to be your girlfriend?

 

You've had one girlfriend in your life, for a grand total of six months... and you're worrying about how you're going to keep your Selena Gomez.

 

You've stated you don't have or want any friends... and you're worrying about whether you should become good friends with attractive girls.

[Badsingularity]

I don't really believe that women have any sixth sense type stuff.

 

They can FEEL and see when a man is confident and when he is not.

 

They can't read minds.

 

They FEEL a certain way when they are around men with a certain inner strength and confidence and they FEEL a different way when they are around men who lack that inner strength and confidence.

 

I myself a man can see when a guy is truly confident in himself and when he is not. I can look at a room full of guys and tell you which ones women will find attractive, which ones they will feel neutral towards, and which ones will give them a creepy vibe with high accuracy. None of it based on looks.

 

I used to be like you. I couldn't see or tell any of the above back then.

Things changed for me when I opened my mind and began to except that I

was WRONG about much of what I believed in regards to this subject.

Once you except that what you thought was right for so long is wrong and open your mind you will begin to see things much differently.

 

Hopefully you will eventually be able to do this. It will start you on a path to truly understanding women and becoming a more attractive man.

[serial muse]

Sure I'd be really hurt when A leaves.

 

Lets say that I had a girl B who was a friend that I knew liked me.

 

My ex leaves me in December, and I'm devastated and all that. Then in March I start dating B. By the time May comes around, I'm feeling good as new, happily with B and don't care about my ex at all.

 

Now compare that to how I am now.

 

What situation sounds better?

 

Except that your scenario hinges upon Girl B liking you BECAUSE you're dating Girl A and you're a different person while doing so. Once Girl A is gone, wouldn't that magic effect be gone too?

 

Meh.

 

Anyway. I feel like your responses here are really disingenuous, somedude. You know perfectly well that it's not the same thing to befriend someone as to monkeybranch them. And yet, you ask all of these "why not? people can have opposite gender friends so why can't I? I don't want to control/be controlled innocentface" questions each time it's pointed out to you.

 

Bullshxt. If you want to be friends with people, who are girls, do it now, while you're not dating anyone. Just friends, after all, right? I mean, as you say, what's the difference?

 

Except you won't, because you'll want to date them, which is the difference, and that's why your proposal sucks.

[somedude81]

Well, there's a difference between friendships that occur naturally within social circles and at work, hobby functions, and a friendship that develops because a man and a woman are spending time ALONE, one on one, regularly, because the man is specifically pursuing a friendship alone with a woman.

 

 

THAT will raise red flags.

 

 

I have male friends who I met through work, or through my already established social circles. I NEVER hang out with them one on one, and I NEVER make any attempts at, say, "nurturing" and "growing" a stronger friendship with them. That is simply not appropriate behavior for someone in a relationship.

Interesting. So you have very rigid boundaries set up.

 

Then I'm correct in assuming that you would not do what my ex did while she was dating me, going on a day hiking trip with a guy friend she's known longer than me and then went to his parents house for dinner?

 

You would feel that what she did was inappropriate?

As for whether it's someone's business? Well... you can have a relationship where who each person hangs out with is no one's business, but that will not be the kind of relationship that grows to be serious and lasting.

 

 

When fostering a relationship with someone who you may spend the rest of your life with, who you may start a family with, who they socialize with regularly DOES become relevant.

I felt that I had no right to try and control who she spends time with.

 

There have been many threads that I participated in about women that spend time with guy friends, and many female posters felt that it was completely OK. Even to the point where they would stay at their friends houses in the guest room.

 

 

Now, there's definitely a bit of an exception when it comes down to long-time friendships, like a childhood friendship between a man and woman, where being platonic has LONG since been established and is not questioned. With those kinds of friendships, interaction between those two obviously should continue, but even still, the person who is now in the relationship should be involved with these interactions, or at least aware, and comfortable with how these interactions happen.

I do believe that those exceptions are quite rare. Based on my own personal view, opposite sex friends will never be 100% platonic.

 

 

I would NOT want to marry and start a family with a man who finds it necessary to foster friendships and regular alone time with other women, where I am totally uninvolved, and seemingly in the dark. A man who has female friends who are coworkers, long time friends, or part of a social circle? Totally fine as long as I am AWARE and informed and not feeling like I am totally excluded from that part of his life.

Then would you be fine if you knew who he was spending time with, what he was doing, and even met those friends? Basically having no secrecy involved.

 

If you are not yet looking for a relationship of that level, then fine. But if you are looking for the quality relationship to last you a lifetime, your behavior has to be a bit different.

 

 

As you've mentioned to me before, a taken person should ACT taken. Be appropriate, be respectful of your partner.

I'm still trying to figure out how a taken person should act. I've gotten so many mixed signals from women in relationships I don't know what's what. Hell, I had a married woman basically caress my arms in class; that really threw me for a loop. She's 23 and extremely attractive.

[Targetlock]

In my opinion it is unfair and dishonest to you, your girlfriend and the other girl. choose one and make the most of it with that one.

[Weezy1973]

Despite what people try to tell me, I know that most attractive women have a lot of options. Because of that, I'm worried about how long I can keep a pretty girl into me.

 

I actually think nearly everybody agrees that most attractive women have a lot of options.

 

To attract and keep a woman with a lot of options, she has to see you as a great catch.

 

For her to see you as a great catch, you have to actually be a great catch.

 

Right now, you're not a great catch.

 

You can become a great catch, if you're willing to put in the time and effort; but step one would be actually listening to some of the advice being given to you - and you seem extremely unwilling to do that.

 

Until you do, you will continue to struggle. Guaranteed.

[William]

Thread starter, I had to stop by and manage some postings and do some cleanup and found I had missed an approval and in this busy thread I wanted to point it out to you so you could go back and read. Sorry about the delay in processing!

[TouchedByViolet]

I know plenty of people who were faithful in relationship but as soon as things broke up they plucked someone from their immediate orbit for adult relations. They essentially had friends who could become romantic interests should they become single. Nothing wrong with this as long as during the relationship you are physically and emotionally loyal to your SO. "Girl on the side" sounds as though you are being unfaithful, should have chose better words I feel like.

[somedude81]

Thread starter, I had to stop by and manage some postings and do some cleanup and found I had missed an approval and in this busy thread I wanted to point it out to you so you could go back and read. Sorry about the delay in processing!

Thank you William for pointing it out to me.

[somedude81]

I wouldn't assume that your ex had met someone else, and that is why she ended the relationship. Most likely, what happened was that she was in an abusive relationship with her previous ex, and was finally encouraged to end it because you showed her compassion, empathy, understanding, support, and interest, and so she turned to you because of those qualities she saw in you. You likely built up her ego at a time it was very low, telling her how great she was, how beautiful she was, how she deserved to be treated so much better than she was, etc., etc., which was such a stark contrast to the abusive messages she was getting from her ex. She turned to you because of the emotional support and ego support that you gave her. But eventually, after she recovered from the negative messages and blow to her self esteem, she started to evaluate you as a dating partner, and you came up short (sorry, no pun intended).

I know they did have several problems for a good while and he may have been emotionally abusive to her. I know he called her fat and that he was controlling with her.

 

BTW, if what you are saying is true, then do you know how poorly that makes her look.

 

She was with an abuser, then I 'rescued her', built her up again, made her feel great, and then she ditches me because she no longer has any use for me.

So after all of what she's been through, I'm the one who comes up short?!?!?!?!

 

Although she probably still admired your supportiveness (she called it sweetness), and your endearing comments, there were glaring things that she could no longer get past. For example, your struggles with school and your possible failing in school and consideration of cheating on a test.

 

That was probably a red flag for her.

She knew even before we started dating that I was extremely close to graduating. At the time I was dating her, we believed that I would be graduating in May 2014, ie now.

 

She had no issue with that at all. She did have an issue with the thought that I could cheat on a math test. Education is very important to her. Though that is one conversation we had in July of last year and it was never spoken of again. She dumped me in December. It shouldn't take her several months to realize that such a thing was a big deal to her.

 

Your narrowed focus in life.

I have no idea what you are talking about.

 

 

Your desperation. Do not tell a woman how poor/nonexistent your romantic life was in the past, or make it sound like she was the only woman interested in you for so long. It makes you come off as sounding desperate/uninteresting/unwanted, and that is not a message you should give a person. They start to wonder why no one has been interested in this guy, and they look for reasons for this.

We had a conversation similar to this where I covered my dating history and I gave her an overview. She knew that she was my first real girlfriend, that I've had casual sex in the past, and haven't done that in a few years.

 

All of that stuff was talked about before we had sex for the first time in the beginning of July. It was never mentioned again. Again, I really doubt that my dating history was a factor in her dumping me. I just can't imagine it starting to bother her several months down the line.

 

If my past bothered her then I don't believe she would have ever have slept with me.

 

She probably also talked to friends and family about you, and they told her she could do better.

Maybe. But why? I still don't see what was so wrong with me.

 

I know her parents liked me.

 

How can she exactly do better than me when I was just about to finish up my degree and get my career going. Never mind the fact that we got along great and never fought.

 

Honestly I would have loved to hear what negatives she was saying about me, if there were any at all.

 

Even now if she has a new boyfriend, there really isn't anything bad about me that she can honestly say. While when I was dating her, she had tons of negative things to say about her ex.

 

 

As far as pretty women having options, of course. Pretty women know they can get dates easily and get interest from men who have a lot going for them. It is harder to keep a pretty woman interested for the long term, unless she feels you match or exceed what she brings to the table.

And that's why I was thinking about having a back up plan.

 

If I knew that a woman could be committed to me, and would stay with me as long as I don't do anything stupid or bad to her, then I would have no interest in trying to find women that can replace her when she leaves.

[joystickd]

She was with an abuser, then I 'rescued her', built her up again, made her feel great, and then she ditches me because she no longer has any use for me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvfbyzYNCwA

Note to self next time don't rescue.

 

No saving women in bad relationships. Follow my saying lol.

Jesus saves them and I just f**k them. It's a bad way at looking at things but it keeps you from being so invested in someone looking for an ego boost

[somedude81]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvfbyzYNCwA

Note to self next time don't rescue.

 

No saving women in bad relationships. Follow my saying lol.

Jesus saves them and I just f**k them. It's a bad way at looking at things but it keeps you from being so invested in someone looking for an ego boost

Well I didn't know how bad her relationship was until we were in a relationship ourselves. Then she started talking about the things he did.

 

I also didn't try to get her to dump her BF for me. Though that's what she did anyways.

[SpiralOut]

Trust.

 

Yes, it will very hard for me to trust a woman after what my ex did.

 

I feel that I was naive with my ex, believing that she wanted to make it last. She kept talking to me about how she believes in love, and that if she doesn't think a relationship will go long term, she won't even bother.

 

I was such a fool.

 

I'm going to have to completely reevaluate how much trust I put in somebody and what they have to do to earn it.

 

I bolded the part that I agree with most. It will be easier to trust someone when you know what warning signs to look for. That's just something that takes time and experience, lots of observation. Try not to be so hard on yourself. We've all made bad decisions about something or other.

[xxoo]

It would help you if you stopped insisting on what women "should" do or realize, and believe people when we tell you it doesn't happen that way.

 

About how she could do "better", I've explained how this relationship didn't progress to where is expected at 6 months. I know, you say you have no idea what is expected, but that's kind of the point. Other men know what is expected, and do it naturally. Teaching you is not as appealing. You may get there with experience, but you need to be open to suggestions such as making friends and getting some examples of relationships in your life.

[SpiralOut]

 

I also didn't try to get her to dump her BF for me. Though that's what she did anyways.

 

In the future, you should see this sort of thing as a red flag. A woman who does this to one guy will do it to the next.

 

 

While I disagree with having a woman "on the side" while you have a girlfriend, it is not uncommon for people to date casually. You can let girls know you aren't looking for anything serious. You can date several people at once, so long as you don't lie to them about it and they are okay with it. This might be a good way for you to get back into things. You clearly aren't ready to have a serious relationship right now, so just have fun.

[somedude81]

In the future, you should see this sort of thing as a red flag. A woman who does this to one guy will do it to the next.

In the future perhaps.

 

Still, she was the first decent girl to ever be interested in me. If it happens again, I don't know if I can say no. All I can do is just be cautious.

 

While I disagree with having a woman "on the side" while you have a girlfriend, it is not uncommon for people to date casually. You can let girls know you aren't looking for anything serious. You can date several people at once, so long as you don't lie to them about it and they are okay with it. This might be a good way for you to get back into things. You clearly aren't ready to have a serious relationship right now, so just have fun.

I'm not ready to have a serious relationship? I don't know. I don't even know what I want right now aside from a woman I enjoy being with. And sex too. Got to have sex.