Jump to content

How horrible is it to have a girl on the side in case your girlfriend leaves you?

somedude81

By somedude81
in General Relationship Discussion

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

ASG Established Member

ASG

Posted
Posted
Meds come on. Whatever happened to really dealing with your problems?

Those meds have horrible side effects especially after taking them for so long. Better living through chemistry in some instances is BS

 

Oh, I'm a big believer in talk therapy, trust me! My dad is a psychologist and my dad is a psychiatrist who doesn't prescribe drugs at all (he's a psychoanalyst)

 

But in some cases, drugs ARE needed! And I think this might be one of those cases!!!

  • Like 2
xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted
That doesn't really make any sense.

 

After a month she should have known who I was and not based on an image of who she thought I was.

 

My attraction to her was never based on an image of her. I knew exactly who she was. And the thought that my feelings for her would change without her doing something stupid or different circumstances happening is ridiculous.

 

I just don't understand how feelings can change.

 

My feelings for he would have continued to grow over time and I never saw anything from her that said she was any different.

 

I don't know how I can be stronger. All I have now is regret, fear and trying to keep myself going and to avoid being devastated again.

 

SD, you are different. Most people aren't like you. It is VERY normal to like someone a lot at first, and feel differently after the early excitement wears off. Sometimes love grows, and other times attraction fizzles. This is true for both men and women.

  • Like 5
Candy_Pants Established Member

Candy_Pants

Posted
Posted
That doesn't really make any sense.

 

After a month she should have known who I was and not based on an image of who she thought I was.

It's human nature to have "expectations" and for others (and yourself) not live up to those expectations.

 

 

My attraction to her was never based on an image of her. I knew exactly who she was. And the thought that my feelings for her would change without her doing something stupid or different circumstances happening is ridiculous.
No. You didn't know exactly who she was. And yes, feelings USUALLY change. Why do you insist on thinking you know everything about relationships when you have such little experience?

I just don't understand how feelings can change.
I know it's confusing, but it's just what happens. LIFE happens, and situations alter how people view others and even ourselves.

 

My feelings for her would have continued to grow over time and I never saw anything from her that said she was any different.
You can't possibly know that. It's what we ALL want to believe going into a new relationship, but it's rarely the case. Even more rare is that it is reciprocated.

 

I don't know how I can be stronger. All I have now is regret, fear and trying to keep myself going and to avoid being devastated again.

People here are trying to help. Start with a small suggestion, such as taking advice from others who are happy with themselves and their lives.

  • Like 2
joystickd Established Member

joystickd

Posted
Posted
Oh, I'm a big believer in talk therapy, trust me! My dad is a psychologist and my dad is a psychiatrist who doesn't prescribe drugs at all (he's a psychoanalyst)

 

But in some cases, drugs ARE needed! And I think this might be one of those cases!!!

No I dont think so. He just wants results. Nothing will change until that happens. No pill will change that.

  • Like 1
  • Author
somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

Posted
  • Author
Posted
SD, you are different. Most people aren't like you. It is VERY normal to like someone a lot at first, and feel differently after the early excitement wears off. Sometimes love grows, and other times attraction fizzles. This is true for both men and women.

Then maybe I'm just different.

 

When I develop feelings for a girl they don't go away until after she's out of my life. I've had crushes on girls that lasted for at least a year, and I wasn't even dating them.

 

I can't relate to what you are saying about the feelings going away after the early excitement wears off. The very thought that the excitement I felt about my ex possibly wearing off while I'm still dating her is asinine to me.

  • Author
somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

Posted
  • Author
Posted
It's human nature to have "expectations" and for others (and yourself) not live up to those expectations.

I guess so. I don't know how other people are.

 

I didn't set any expectations for my ex except for the standard rulebreaking stuff like cheating or being abusive.

 

I have no idea what expectations she set of me and which of them I failed.

 

 

No. You didn't know exactly who she was.

To me the image of who she was did not differ from who I saw she was up until the very end. I don't really understand how things can be any different unless she was playing me and I caught her. Likewise I can't see how I differed from the image she thought I was.

 

 

And yes, feelings USUALLY change. Why do you insist on thinking you know everything about relationships when you have such little experience?

Dude give me a break. Do you really think I'm claiming to insist I know everything?

 

Everything I'm talking about is how I see the world. This is my opinion based on the very limited amount of experience I have.

 

I know who I am, and I know that my feelings last for a very long time.

 

 

I know it's confusing, but it's just what happens. LIFE happens, and situations alter how people view others and even ourselves.

Thank you for understanding that what is going on is confusing to me. I feel completely lost and barely have a grasp on what happened.

 

I can't express how much this has hurt me.

You can't possibly know that. It's what we ALL want to believe going into a new relationship, but it's rarely the case. Even more rare is that it is reciprocated.

All I know is that my feelings have always lasted a long time.

 

With her being with her boyfriend for three years, and even sticking with him for over a year after it had gone bad, I really believed that she would be with me for a long time. Never did I get the impression that this would be such a short thing. If I did, I wouldn't have opened up to her nearly as much as I did.

 

People here are trying to help. Start with a small suggestion, such as taking advice from others who are happy with themselves and their lives.

The suggestions feel like they are all over the place and I can't really see how they will help me get what I need. At this time I can't focus on anything else.

Candy_Pants Established Member

Candy_Pants

Posted
Posted

At this time you need to focus on getting healthy emotionally and mentally. What you describe feeling is clinical depression. That doesn't go away by getting a girlfriend.

 

Aren't you in school?

 

I'm sorry you're hurt and confused. But you are in a very unhealthy relationship, with yourself. That's completely unattractive to women. You WANT to be attractive, right? Get healthy.

  • Like 3
Imajerk17 Established Member

Imajerk17

Posted
Posted (edited)

What the others have been saying.

 

SD I know you *hate* it when we say that one reason why this girl left is probably because she felt overwhelmed being the source of your happiness. You keep on insisting that this cannot be, that there was just no way for her to know that this was so.

 

Here's the thing though: what do you think that women mean when they say "we connected"? They mean that they could feel the man's essence and they were drawn to that. SD, she either felt how miserable you were as a single guy (your essence), or you and she never truly connected.

Edited by Imajerk17
  • Like 2
  • Author
somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

Posted
  • Author
Posted
At this time you need to focus on getting healthy emotionally and mentally. What you describe feeling is clinical depression. That doesn't go away by getting a girlfriend.

And yet it was almost completely canceled out when I was with her.

 

I was feeling overall better, I had more energy, I was sleeping better, my anger level was much lower and I wasn't nearly as quick to anger. My inner dialogue was much more positive. I didn't hate the world.

 

Virtually every symptom of my depression was going away when I was with her. Basically she was my medication.

 

Then when she dumped me, I got off the medication and all those symptoms came back.

 

The only thing I can say is that I felt miserable before I met her. I felt great when I was with her. And now I feel miserable that she's gone.

 

Aren't you in school?

Yes. I will be graduating in December.

 

I'm sorry you're hurt and confused. But you are in a very unhealthy relationship, with yourself. That's completely unattractive to women. You WANT to be attractive, right? Get healthy.

What you are saying makes since, but I did get her when I was unhealthy. She just didn't know it. Then I started to become healthy when I was with her.

 

Yes I do want to be attractive. But getting healthy on my own is pretty much impossible. Well, not impossible as I'm just being overly negative right now.

 

Right now the best course of action I can come up with is to pretend to be healthy, get the girlfriend, then the natural healing will quickly begin.

 

That's basically what happened with my ex. She had no idea I was depressed. Granted by the time we had our first date, the last thing on my mind was my depression.

  • Author
somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

Posted
  • Author
Posted
What the others have been saying.

 

SD I know you *hate* it when we say that one reason why this girl left is probably because she felt overwhelmed being the source of your happiness. You keep on insisting that this cannot be, that there was just no way for her to know that this was so.

 

Here's the thing though: what do you think that women mean when they say "we connected"? They mean that they could feel the man's essence and they were drawn to that. SD, she either felt how miserable you were as a single guy (your essence), or you and she never truly connected.

I've never heard that expression before.

 

I don't really believe that women have any sixth sense type stuff. If a girl can't even tell that I'm trying to get her to spend time with me because I want to have sex with her, and not be her friend; then there is no way that a woman can feel my essence.

Smilecharmer Established Member

Smilecharmer

Posted
Posted

We women don't want to be a mans medication. We want someone who has worked on himself enough that he is healthy and happy, really happy when we get him. I don't want to fix anyone, but share my life with someone I can depend on and who can depend on me without sucking all the joy out of me.

  • Like 1
  • Author
somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

Posted
  • Author
Posted
We women don't want to be a mans medication. We want someone who has worked on himself enough that he is healthy and happy, really happy when we get him. I don't want to fix anyone, but share my life with someone I can depend on and who can depend on me without sucking all the joy out of me.

Though if you didn't know that you were his medication would you care?

 

I wasn't a fixer or a project to my ex. She had enough of that with the guy before me.

 

As I said before, my ex had no idea I was depressed at all. In the beginning I had to try to hide it from her. But after a couple of weeks, it just went away and I didn't think about it anymore.

 

We did share our lives together and there was lots of joy.

 

From what I can tell, things only started to go bad when her work gave her lots of hours and she was starting to become really stressed. And I probably wasn't supportive enough for her.

Candy_Pants Established Member

Candy_Pants

Posted
Posted

SD, there are lots of people who have been trying to help (some have been trying for years). The advice is all pretty much the same. Get healthy. Get hobbies/friends. And don't make a girl the center of your universe.

 

Most of us have been exactly where you are. That's how we gain knowledge, through making mistakes and learning from them. It doesn't seem you're learning from yours.

 

You won the lottery with your ex. Don't expect to do it the same way the next time or you'll be seriously disappointed. And in your world that disappointment leads to greater depression

  • Like 3
CrystalCastles Established Member

CrystalCastles

Posted
Posted

I didn't read the whole thread but I have a question about one or two posts, SD. Why do you sometimes refer to your ex as a bitch? A woman leaving you because she doesn't love you doesn't make her a bitch. It just means that at her end, the relationship has fizzled out.

 

A woman is not a bitch for falling out of love with you, nor is she a bitch because she ended the relationship. She has every right to do that, and it (falling out of love) happens because she's human. Just like it would be your right to dump her if you didn't love her anymore.

 

The longer you obsess over your past relationship, the more time you're wasting, when you could be out there looking for the next girl. A woman doesn't want to date a man who is still so obsessed over his last relationship and his ex.

  • Like 9
Phoe Established Member

Phoe

Posted
Posted

I have to agree with Crystal Castles. I cringe when you call her a bitch...

 

 

 

But in reference to side girls, game playing, the whole bit. I hope you don't take any of the advice suggesting you do those things.

 

 

Taking the easy way in these situations will just get you sh*t results. You may get a relationship, but it sure as hell won't be a quality one, and it sure as hell won't be a lasting one.

 

 

Playing games and trying to get girls on the side will not get you a good quality girl. Nope.

  • Like 5
  • Author
somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I didn't read the whole thread but I have a question about one or two posts, SD. Why do you sometimes refer to your ex as a bitch? A woman leaving you because she doesn't love you doesn't make her a bitch. It just means that at her end, the relationship has fizzled out.

 

A woman is not a bitch for falling out of love with you, nor is she a bitch because she ended the relationship. She has every right to do that, and it (falling out of love) happens because she's human. Just like it would be your right to dump her if you didn't love her anymore.

 

The longer you obsess over your past relationship, the more time you're wasting, when you could be out there looking for the next girl. A woman doesn't want to date a man who is still so obsessed over his last relationship and his ex.

Because I'm really really really really really really really really really really really really really really angry at her for suddenly dumping me without any warning, without talking to me about her problems and lying to me, trying to pretend that everything is OK when they were not.

CrystalCastles Established Member

CrystalCastles

Posted
Posted

Playing games and trying to get girls on the side will not get you a good quality girl. Nope.

 

^This.^

 

What quality girl would want to date a guy with chicks on the side. A quality girl would see that train wreck for what it is, and move onto a quality guy for whom she would be the one and only.

  • Like 1
  • Author
somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I just have this massive feeling of betrayal towards her. I strongly believe that she did cheat on me, or at least left me for another guy, and that's why she was feeling guilty and that she suddenly dumped me.

 

I'm also very angry that I've waited so long to finally get a girlfriend, and she was amazing, and then it was as if she was taken away from me without any prior notice. She just went poof one day.

 

Yes I am still obsessed with her, but I don't want to be anymore. I just need a slight push to get me to change tracks then I can move on with my life.

  • Author
somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I have to agree with Crystal Castles. I cringe when you call her a bitch...

Do you understand why I called her that? How extreme my feelings for her are?

 

My feelings for her were infinitely stronger than they were for any girl I have ever liked. Now that she left me, is long gone, those feelings have basically reversed and all the feelings of love have become hate.

But in reference to side girls, game playing, the whole bit. I hope you don't take any of the advice suggesting you do those things.

 

 

Taking the easy way in these situations will just get you sh*t results. You may get a relationship, but it sure as hell won't be a quality one, and it sure as hell won't be a lasting one.

 

 

Playing games and trying to get girls on the side will not get you a good quality girl. Nope.

This thread has given me a lot to think about.

 

Honestly I don't want to play games, and instead just be comfortable in my relationship.

 

What happened with my ex has profoundly impacted me and I'm terrified of getting hurt again.

 

I wish that when I start a new relationship that she will promise me that her feelings will never change and that she won't leave me for a 'better' guy, that she will be with me for as long as I love and respect her. But I know that such a thing is impossible and no person can ever make that promise, even though I feel it's a promise I can keep.

Phoe Established Member

Phoe

Posted
Posted

Honestly I don't want to play games, and instead just be comfortable in my relationship.

 

What happened with my ex has profoundly impacted me and I'm terrified of getting hurt again.

 

Being afraid and hurt is normal after a breakup. And the first heartbreak is almost always the nastiest. It still hurts the next time, but you're better equipped to handle it. You say "Okay. I've done this before. I can get through this."

 

 

You recognize these feelings and have processed them and made sense of them, and now you need to move PAST them, not integrate them into who you are.

 

 

Don't let those feelings become who you are.

  • Like 3
  • Author
somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Being afraid and hurt is normal after a breakup. And the first heartbreak is almost always the nastiest. It still hurts the next time, but you're better equipped to handle it. You say "Okay. I've done this before. I can get through this."

 

 

You recognize these feelings and have processed them and made sense of them, and now you need to move PAST them, not integrate them into who you are.

 

 

Don't let those feelings become who you are.

I will definitely try.

 

That's a dark path I don't want to go down.

 

Completely off-topic, your new avatar, and that look :eek:

 

You're probably going to be getting lots of PM's from men in the near future.

Phoe Established Member

Phoe

Posted
Posted
I will definitely try.

 

That's a dark path I don't want to go down.

 

Completely off-topic, your new avatar, and that look :eek:

 

You're probably going to be getting lots of PM's from men in the near future.

 

Well I liked the photo in it's normal size, but now that it's sized down I feel I look a bit drunk. I figure I'm my own worst critic though. Drunk Phoe, how charming :laugh:

 

 

Nah, I'm not expecting messages. No one ever messaged me in the past when I had a photo, I don't suppose I'll suddenly be bombarded NOW, after being here for over a year haha.

 

 

I fly under the radar, suits me well :cool:

  • Author
somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Well I liked the photo in it's normal size, but now that it's sized down I feel I look a bit drunk. I figure I'm my own worst critic though. Drunk Phoe, how charming :laugh:

 

 

Nah, I'm not expecting messages. No one ever messaged me in the past when I had a photo, I don't suppose I'll suddenly be bombarded NOW, after being here for over a year haha.

 

 

I fly under the radar, suits me well :cool:

The drunk is the best part :p

 

I don't know how to say this without sounding like I'm hitting on you. You look absolutely beautiful in that picture. Almost as hot as CrystalCastles which is quite an accomplishment.

 

It's time for a nice cold shower where I'll be singing that Skyfall song.

 

Let the sky fall

When it crumbles

We will stand tall

Face it all together

At skyfall

That skyfall

  • Like 1
Phoe Established Member

Phoe

Posted
Posted

It's time for a nice cold shower where I'll be singing that Skyfall song.

 

Let the sky fall

When it crumbles

We will stand tall

Face it all together

At skyfall

That skyfall

 

Ah yes, quite a good song.

 

 

Bedtime for (SOBER) Drunken Phoe.

 

 

And remember, you don't have to rush. I know you're antsy to get back out there and date. But moving past these feelings you've been dwelling on really ought to come first. I'm not saying be happy. I'm not saying go parasailing and make friends and go hiking, because as much as those things might help, your head isn't in that right now. I'm just saying that you should figure out how to forgive. Get that burden off your shoulders. The anger and the obsessing. Forgive her, and rid yourself of all feelings towards her. Learn how to be indifferent towards her. That will be the key to moving on.

  • Like 3
  • Author
somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Ah yes, quite a good song.

 

 

Bedtime for (SOBER) Drunken Phoe.

 

 

And remember, you don't have to rush. I know you're antsy to get back out there and date. But moving past these feelings you've been dwelling on really ought to come first. I'm not saying be happy. I'm not saying go parasailing and make friends and go hiking, because as much as those things might help, your head isn't in that right now. I'm just saying that you should figure out how to forgive. Get that burden off your shoulders. The anger and the obsessing. Forgive her, and rid yourself of all feelings towards her. Learn how to be indifferent towards her. That will be the key to moving on.

Thanks for bringing it back on topic.

 

How to forgive. Wow, that hit me hard. Forgiving her. I'm stunned. I'll need to think about this.

 

Good night Drunken Phoe.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...