How horrible is it to have a girl on the side in case your girlfriend leaves you?

May 4, 2014

Try this as an exercise.

Totally ACCEPT that you will spend the rest of your life single. Completely eliminate the possibility of ever meeting a girl who wants a relationship.

No chance, ever.

Now, if you have no relationship for life.. does that mean you have to be alone? wouldn't you want friends and family around more?

What would you change in your life tomorrow if i gave you a crystal ball and said you will never be in a relationship in your future? After getting mad and going "not fair! why me?" etc, what steps would you make to give your life purpose and to find happiness?

Or would you just ....opt out?

May 4, 2014

Why would I be creepy and be a lousy boyfriend if I was intentionally looking for the next girl?

I'm not sure how that would affect my current GF at all.

It affects her because it means that you don't care about her or trust her. Everybody deserves to be with someone who cares about them. You will be wasting her time. In fact, she may pick up on the fact that you distrust her, and she might dump you because of that before you even manage to get girl #2 lined up.

I foresee your plan backfiring on you.

May 5, 2014

^^ Plus the fact that by consciously doing this, he is already manifesting the relationship he is having to end. Simply by taking action to prevent hurt by lining someone up, will attract the hurt he is trying to avoid.

May 5, 2014

The reason you are more confident and less creepy to woman when you are in a relationship is your intentions and your motivation in corresponding with them.

When you are single.. and you want a GF, you EMANATE a desperateness that is unattractive because it's not specific to a person you know.

When you are in a relationship, you are not looking for that, so you are more genuine, which is attractive.

Right now women can barely pick up on my signals of interest because they are so mild. Women think I'm just trying to be friends. They can't see my motivations.

If you could reach the same level of happiness, contentment in yourself, have a purpose in your life other than finding a girl to rub up against, while single.... all your problems would melt away. If you lived for life, rather than for another person to give your life meaning, you will find a peace that you need in order to be happy.

As great as that sounds, it's not going to happen. I'll explain more in a future reply to you.

What blows my mind, and what we find frustrating with you Somedude is that even in a thread 18 pages long, and 99.9% of posters have told you that trying to have girls on the side as back-up while in a relationship won't work, is a bad idea, is basically immoral, etc... you have still decided that that is the answer to your problems.

Why do you post a thread asking a question and then totally ignore every response?

I'm not ignoring every response.

Can't you see how my thought process has changed as the thread went on?

I basically went from thinking about cheating on my GF, essentially having one or more girls on the side I was sleeping with. To having one or more girls who are just friends that I flirt with who are interested in me enough that I have somebody to turn to when my GF leaves me.

It's completely different from what I started with.

Edited May 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

May 5, 2014

Keep in mind that some of the women will be more comfortable and flirty with you because you are taken, and thus "safe", but would quickly add distance if you become single because they never were interested in dating you, just being friends.

Taken guy = not a guy wanting to date me. Ok to be friendly.

Single guy = probably wants to date me. Friendly might give him the wrong impression.

Is that the same thing as how taken women flirt with me?

What if we are both taken, how intense would the flirting be?

May 5, 2014

Try this as an exercise.

Totally ACCEPT that you will spend the rest of your life single. Completely eliminate the possibility of ever meeting a girl who wants a relationship.
No chance, ever.

Now, if you have no relationship for life.. does that mean you have to be alone? wouldn't you want friends and family around more?

What would you change in your life tomorrow if i gave you a crystal ball and said you will never be in a relationship in your future? After getting mad and going "not fair! why me?" etc, what steps would you make to give your life purpose and to find happiness?

Or would you just ....opt out?

If opt out means what I think it means, then yes.

If I knew that I could never again experience what I did with my ex, then life simply wouldn't be worth living. Why would I want to spend the next 50ish years of my live miserably alone?

May 5, 2014

It affects her because it means that you don't care about her or trust her. Everybody deserves to be with someone who cares about them. You will be wasting her time. In fact, she may pick up on the fact that you distrust her, and she might dump you because of that before you even manage to get girl #2 lined up.

I foresee your plan backfiring on you.

Trust.

Yes, it will very hard for me to trust a woman after what my ex did.

I feel that I was naive with my ex, believing that she wanted to make it last. She kept talking to me about how she believes in love, and that if she doesn't think a relationship will go long term, she won't even bother.

I was such a fool.

I'm going to have to completely reevaluate how much trust I put in somebody and what they have to do to earn it.

May 5, 2014

If opt out means what I think it means, then yes.

If I knew that I could never again experience what I did with my ex, then life simply wouldn't be worth living. Why would I want to spend the next 50ish years of my live miserably alone?

The point that *everyone* is trying to make here is that you don't have to be *miserably* alone. And that there are other things in life that are worth living for.

And ALSO that having those things in your life WHILE you search for a partner make you MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE to said potential partner...

I've told you this before and I'll reiterate. You need help. You need therapy. And don't tell me it doesn't work. It does if you WANT IT TO WORK. Which, I guess you don't, which is why it never has. But still... YOU NEED IT!

May 5, 2014

The point that *everyone* is trying to make here is that you don't have to be *miserably* alone. And that there are other things in life that are worth living for.

That's just how I am.

I've been single for 99% of my life. And then I had a brief stint of being in a relationship and I found exactly what I was missing.

Before I got my GF, I hated being single and hated my life. Now that I'm single again, I hate being single even more than before. I can't live like this for too much longer.

And ALSO that having those things in your life WHILE you search for a partner make you MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE to said potential partner...

I will try to achieve them. But at some point if I still don't manage to get a GF then I'll feel that I'd have wasted my time.

I've told you this before and I'll reiterate. You need help. You need therapy. And don't tell me it doesn't work. It does if you WANT IT TO WORK. Which, I guess you don't, which is why it never has. But still... YOU NEED IT!

I've been in therapy off and on for about 7 years. There was a three year period where I went every week.

Only one thing in my life gave me a constant feeling of happiness.

May 5, 2014

Yes, it will very hard for me to trust a woman after what my ex did.

YOU ARE THE CREATOR OF YOUR REALITY.

how about saying this instead :

"I'm not going to let what my ex did to me dictate how I feel about woman. I won't allow another woman to pay for what my ex did. They are not the same person. I see happy trusting relationships all around me and i know in my heart the true love and trust are easy to find with the right person."

May 5, 2014

Is that the same thing as how taken women flirt with me?

What if we are both taken, how intense would the flirting be?

The question is, are they seriously flirting? Meaning, are they actually interested? Men often assume yes, when the truth is no.

I'll repeat, the line is that there should be not actual interest conveyed. No woman should ever believe that you are paying her special attention, or particular interest. That honor should be reserved for your GF.

May 5, 2014

That's just how I am.

I've been single for 99% of my life. And then I had a brief stint of being in a relationship and I found exactly what I was missing.

Before I got my GF, I hated being single and hated my life. Now that I'm single again, I hate being single even more than before. I can't live like this for too much longer.

I will try to achieve them. But at some point if I still don't manage to get a GF then I'll feel that I'd have wasted my time.

I've been in therapy off and on for about 7 years. There was a three year period where I went every week.

Only one thing in my life gave me a constant feeling of happiness.

You need MORE of it. Some people spend their whole lives in therapy. My mom spent over TEN YEARS in therapy and to look and talk to her, you'd never guess she even needed it. And she wasn't clinically depressed, just had a hard time dealing with some situations life threw at her. She went every single week (apart from holidays) for that time.

You however, are, by your own admission, clinically depressed. You need not only therapy but good medication (and when I say good, I mean a good combo FOR YOU, not good quality meds!)

A normal person does not hate life. A normal person does not think of ending life. A depressed person who is getting the correct help doesn't either!

May 5, 2014

That's just how I am.

I've been single for 99% of my life. And then I had a brief stint of being in a relationship and I found exactly what I was missing.

Before I got my GF, I hated being single and hated my life. Now that I'm single again, I hate being single even more than before. I can't live like this for too much longer.

I will try to achieve them. But at some point if I still don't manage to get a GF then I'll feel that I'd have wasted my time.

I've been in therapy off and on for about 7 years. There was a three year period where I went every week.

Only one thing in my life gave me a constant feeling of happiness.

Somedude needs in a sense what the old school guys I knew called a starter. A woman to get him off the bench and in the game.

It's very easy for someone to say get counseling. I remember my struggles and the bad ending of a situation with my first experience with a woman. My first experience with a woman was being an OM. Everyone told me I needed counseling. I tried it and the rehashing of that experience and those feelings just made me angry. It seemed like counseling made me dwell on what happened more so I stopped. I would talk to the counselor and seemed like I got angry the more I talked. I figured out that I really had to do something different and to get my mind totally off of the situation. I went back to school and that helped me more than some counselor. He just has to find something to get his mind off of this and work on himself.

In some ways counseling is almost a waste of time.

May 5, 2014

You need MORE of it. Some people spend their whole lives in therapy. My mom spent over TEN YEARS in therapy and to look and talk to her, you'd never guess she even needed it. And she wasn't clinically depressed, just had a hard time dealing with some situations life threw at her. She went every single week (apart from holidays) for that time.

You however, are, by your own admission, clinically depressed. You need not only therapy but good medication (and when I say good, I mean a good combo FOR YOU, not good quality meds!)

A normal person does not hate life. A normal person does not think of ending life. A depressed person who is getting the correct help doesn't either!

Meds come on. Whatever happened to really dealing with your problems?

Those meds have horrible side effects especially after taking them for so long. Better living through chemistry in some instances is BS

May 5, 2014

Somedude if you want a sidepiece go ahead. You are not a horrible person for having one. If you feel that is what you need to do then do it. Just make sure it's one that follow orders. OWs can be terrible if they catch feelings.

May 5, 2014

Somedude needs in a sense what the old school guys I knew called a starter. A woman to get him off the bench and in the game.

It's very easy for someone to say get counseling. I remember my struggles and the bad ending of a situation with my first experience with a woman. My first experience with a woman was being an OM. Everyone told me I needed counseling. I tried it and the rehashing of that experience and those feelings just made me angry. It seemed like counseling made me dwell on what happened more so I stopped. I would talk to the counselor and seemed like I got angry the more I talked. I figured out that I really had to do something different and to get my mind totally off of the situation. I went back to school and that helped me more than some counselor. He just has to find something to get his mind off of this and work on himself.

In some ways counseling is almost a waste of time.

I did have a starter, and she was amazing.

But she ditched me before I was able to really get comfortable and established. Six months with her was just not enough time. I just wish she didn't leave me. I would never even dream of trying to find a backup girl if she was still with me.

As for counseling, I feel that it's a waste of time and money. It just didn't help, and yes I wanted to it help.

I don't want to talk about why I feel depressed to some stranger. I've done enough of that. I want to do what I know makes me feel better.

Edited May 5, 2014 by somedude81

May 5, 2014

I did have a starter, and she was amazing.

But she ditched me before I was able to really get comfortable and established. Six months with her was just not enough time. I just wish she didn't leave me. I would never even dream of trying to find a backup girl if she was still with me.

As for counseling, I feel that it's a waste of time and money. It just didn't help, and yes I wanted to it help.

Dude you just have to invest less at this point. A good starter would have been someone that was more invested in the relationship than you were. In general for men most relationships that are successful the woman is more invested than the man.

May 5, 2014

Dude you just have to invest less at this point. A good starter would have been someone that was more invested in the relationship than you were. In general for men most relationships that are successful the woman is more invested than the man.

I mentioned that a few times in this thread.

That I have to find somebody who likes me more than I like them, or at least make them think that.

My ex knew I liked her more than she liked me, and I think that was a big reason why she broke up with me.

It's sucks that games have to be played in a relationship, but that just seems to be the way things are.

May 5, 2014

I mentioned that a few times in this thread.

That I have to find somebody who likes me more than I like them, or at least make them think that.

My ex knew I liked her more than she liked me, and I think that was a big reason why she broke up with me.

It's sucks that games have to be played in a relationship, but that just seems to be the way things are.

It's not really playing games. When you spend time with someone you know whether they are really into you more.

May 5, 2014

It's not really playing games. When you spend time with someone you know whether they are really into you more.

The thing is, most likely I will be into the girl more than she is in to me. That's basically inevitable.

There is no way I'm going to be dumped again because of that.

So as I said earlier, I'm going to have to make the girl think that she likes me more than I like her. That's playing games.

May 5, 2014

Why don't you believe a woman could be just as into you? It's perfectly normal in solid, lasting relationships. Arguably, it's what makes lasting relationships. And isn't that what you want?

Your beliefs are self-defeating.

Not to mention, if you CARE about a woman, wouldn't you want her to feel deeply wanted? Your actions seem to be guided more by selfish desires than caring ones.

May 5, 2014

Why don't you believe a woman could be just as into you? It's perfectly normal in solid, lasting relationships. Arguably, it's what makes lasting relationships. And isn't that what you want?

Your beliefs are self-defeating.

Of course it's what I want. But it's not what I expect.

In all my experiences with women, I've always been the one to like them the most. Granted the vast majority of women I liked didn't like me back at all. But that's what I'm used to.

Though I truly believed that my ex did like me as much as I liked her. I felt that we were equal.

But I was obviously mistaken.

Not to mention, if you CARE about a woman, wouldn't you want her to feel deeply wanted? Your actions seem to be guided more by selfish desires than caring ones.

Of course I wanted my ex to feel deeply wanted. I loved telling her how important she was to me, how much I loved spending time with her, how I waited so long to find her.

I thought I was being sweet and she would enjoy hearing those things. But instead it had the opposite effect.

My actions are guided by fear.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

May 5, 2014

Your ex may have liked you equally at some point, but her feelings may have changed. You need to accept that things can change. It's actually fairly common in new relationships, because the early attraction is based on an image if the person which doesn't always match the reality.

Actions guided by fear often lead to regrets. How can you be stronger? Strength is attractive.

May 5, 2014

Your ex may have liked you equally at some point, but her feelings may have changed. You need to accept that things can change. It's actually fairly common in new relationships, because the early attraction is based on an image if the person which doesn't always match the reality.

That doesn't really make any sense.

After a month she should have known who I was and not based on an image of who she thought I was.

My attraction to her was never based on an image of her. I knew exactly who she was. And the thought that my feelings for her would change without her doing something stupid or different circumstances happening is ridiculous.

I just don't understand how feelings can change.

My feelings for he would have continued to grow over time and I never saw anything from her that said she was any different.

Actions guided by fear often lead to regrets. How can you be stronger? Strength is attractive.

I don't know how I can be stronger. All I have now is regret, fear and trying to keep myself going and to avoid being devastated again.

May 5, 2014

SD - what I see is this:

You're not all that attractive to most women.

People give you advice on how to become more attractive to most women.

You reject all of that advice.

You continue to not be all that attractive to most women.

...so...try taking the advice...maybe?

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How horrible is it to have a girl on the side in case your girlfriend leaves you?

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