How horrible is it to have a girl on the side in case your girlfriend leaves you?

May 4, 2014

I have responded well to almost all of xxoo posts and most of Elswyth's.

You don't appear to have been taking their advice on board. They have both told you that having a woman on the side lines is not going to lead to a long term happy relationship - and yet you have decided that this is the route you're going to take because other (probably single) people have said it's a good idea. What stops you from following their advice?

Her posts have been inconsistent some helpful, some not and bordering on rude.

Fair enough, but she knows more about successful relationships than you do - so her advice is worth considering.

I don't care what his reason is, he went over the line with the post I quoted. Nobody can talk to me like that. I wasn't joking about ignoring him.

Obviously you can ignore whoever you like, but he still has more knowledge about long term relationships than you do - so some of his advice is worth listening to - even if you don't like the way he delivers it.

Then I'll say it again.

When I'm happily in a relationship I am more attractive to women for a variety of reasons.

I thought the first post in my thread explained that well enough. Several other people understood what my point was.

This doesn't answer my question. I mean specifically how.

You may be more attractive to other women when you're in a relationship but first you have to get into another relationship - so how are you going to do that? What steps are you going to take to make yourself more attractive while you are still single.

Then, when you are in a relationship and therefore, apparently, more attractive to other women, how are you going to get a woman to fall so heavily for you that she's prepared to sit around, presumably remaining single, waiting for you to become single again so that she gets her turn? This is all assuming that you don't care how emotionally unhealthy she is - because if she's 'saving herself' for a guy who is attached that's not exactly a sign of a woman who's got her head screwed on!

If you have a goal, any goal, you need to work out what steps are required for you to achieve it. If you want to walk from A to B, at the very least, you need to know which way to start walking.

May 4, 2014

Sounds like we both have issues we need to work on.

BTW, I know most of my own problems as well.

I've seen you discount older women before (over 35), and no, I'm not hitting on you, I'm just saying: last night, I read about James Mcavoy, the actor. His wife is nine years older than he is, and they're smitten with each other. He married her when she was 35, and she gave birth to their son when she was 39. He could have all sorts of girls and women, but he chose the love of his life, regardless of age.

I didn't have nearly so many issues, before I was repeatedly reminded that my age was a problem, starting in my mid-thirties, and what with crap that has happened at home. I had my own sister telling me that I must be jealous of her - all of twenty months younger than I am - because I'm old, fat (not true), and have no future. I used to be optimistic, and had more going for me. We need less shredding of women in general in this world, and you don't help when you repeatedly talk about how wonderful the college girls are. Now I'm out of here.

May 4, 2014

Just focus on making friends, and that alone will solve many if your problems. Intentionally looking for the next girl is creepy and makes you a lousy boyfriend. Having friends and being attractive to people in general makes you good boyfriend material.

Do you see the difference?

May 4, 2014

You don't appear to have been taking their advice on board. They have both told you that having a woman on the side lines is not going to lead to a long term happy relationship - and yet you have decided that this is the route you're going to take because other (probably single) people have said it's a good idea. What stops you from following their advice?

Isn't having one on the sidelines better than actively cheating on my GF?

Fair enough, but she knows more about successful relationships than you do - so her advice is worth considering.

I actually don't remember her giving me any advice.

Obviously you can ignore whoever you like, but he still has more knowledge about long term relationships than you do - so some of his advice is worth listening to - even if you don't like the way he delivers it.

It's too late for that.

You may be more attractive to other women when you're in a relationship but first you have to get into another relationship - so how are you going to do that? What steps are you going to take to make yourself more attractive while you are still single.

While that is a great question, it isn't the one you originally asked.

Then, when you are in a relationship and therefore, apparently, more attractive to other women, how are you going to get a woman to fall so heavily for you that she's prepared to sit around, presumably remaining single, waiting for you to become single again so that she gets her turn? This is all assuming that you don't care how emotionally unhealthy she is - because if she's 'saving herself' for a guy who is attached that's not exactly a sign of a woman who's got her head screwed on!

Odds are I'd keep meeting new women and be sociable and flirty to everybody.

Realistically I wouldn't expect anybody to wait for me. But the odds should still be pretty good that I'd have somebody to turn to if my GF leaves me.

I do believe that I made a very big mistake of not trying to meet new women when I was with my ex.

As long as I'm not cheating, there shouldn't be anything wrong with it right?

And who knows, maybe I can find somebody better than my GF and be the dumper for once.

If you have a goal, any goal, you need to work out what steps are required for you to achieve it. If you want to walk from A to B, at the very least, you need to know which way to start walking.

Yes I agree with you.

Right now I'm setting a mid to long-term goal for when I get there

The short term goal of getting dates is one that I need to focus on now. I'm just making it solid in my head of what I have to do once I get a GF. I just can't relax and believe that things will work out like I did with my ex.

May 4, 2014

I've seen you discount older women before (over 35), and no, I'm not hitting on you, I'm just saying: last night, I read about James Mcavoy, the actor. His wife is nine years older than he is, and they're smitten with each other. He married her when she was 35, and she gave birth to their son when she was 39. He could have all sorts of girls and women, but he chose the love of his life, regardless of age.

At this point in my life I feel that I am not mature enough to date a woman older than me. I also can't see why an older women would even be into me.

I didn't have nearly so many issues, before I was repeatedly reminded that my age was a problem, starting in my mid-thirties, and what with crap that has happened at home. I had my own sister telling me that I must be jealous of her - all of twenty months younger than I am - because I'm old, fat (not true), and have no future. I used to be optimistic, and had more going for me.

I've also been told over and over again that my age is a problem. I try to understand why, take the advice I deem worthwhile, and still do what I want.

People have been telling me all the time that I should give up and that I'll never be able to date a younger woman, that they would never want me. Over and over.

I proved them all wrong by dating and having sex with a 20 year old when I was 31. And I know I can do it again. Though I probably won't go so young again as it's a bit annoying when my date can't order a drink.

May 4, 2014

Just focus on making friends, and that alone will solve many if your problems. Intentionally looking for the next girl is creepy and makes you a lousy boyfriend. Having friends and being attractive to people in general makes you good boyfriend material.

Do you see the difference?

Why would I be creepy and be a lousy boyfriend if I was intentionally looking for the next girl?

I'm not sure how that would affect my current GF at all.

May 4, 2014

Ok, i'll try and not get frustrated and therefore rude. I'm sorry Somedude.

When I'm happily in a relationship I am more attractive to women for a variety of reasons.

Can you please explain to us the reasons why you find this to be true. Please detail at least 5 different reasons why woman would find you more attractive when you are spoken for. You aren't allowed to say you don't know. Actually analyse what's different about you. I'm going somewhere with this..

Go.

May 4, 2014

Why would I be creepy and be a lousy boyfriend if I was intentionally looking for the next girl?

I'm not sure how that would affect my current GF at all.

You really don't see an issue with looking for another girl while currently dating one?

Any girl you happen to date in the future will see this red flag from the moon (possibly beyond).

May 4, 2014

Ok, i'll try and not get frustrated and therefore rude. I'm sorry Somedude.

Can you please explain to us the reasons why you find this to be true. Please detail at least 5 different reasons why woman would find you more attractive when you are spoken for. You aren't allowed to say you don't know. Actually analyse what's different about you. I'm going somewhere with this..

Go.

Apology accepted.

Why I'd be more attractive when I'm spoken for.

I'd be happier than when I'm single. People are more attractive when they are happy.
When I was in a relationship my confidence and self-esteem were much higher than when I was single. Women are attracted to confident men.
I flirt more and have an easier time being sexual. Granted I was just flirting with my ex and using innuendo with her and I did it to her knowing that she wanted me. I should be able to apply that flirting to other women if I really tried. When I'm single I'm really bad at flirting.
I would be much more bold than I am now. When I have a GF, I wouldn't care that some girl in a class doesn't like me or would turn me down. I wouldn't have any fear of rejection at all. Right now the fear of rejection is something that is really holding me back.
Some women are actually more interested in a guy because he's taken. Essentially I'd be pre-approved. A woman might think, that because I have a girlfriend, that I am desirable. It's basically how one of the best times to get a job is when you're currently working. You're a more attractive prospect because somebody wants you.

May 4, 2014

You really don't see an issue with looking for another girl while currently dating one?

Any girl you happen to date in the future will see this red flag from the moon (possibly beyond).

No I don't. How would it be any different than making new friends who just happen to be female?

As long as I'm not going on dates or cheating on my GF with them, I don't see the problem.

May 4, 2014

No I don't. How would it be any different than making new friends who just happen to be female?

As long as I'm not going on dates or cheating on my GF with them, I don't see the problem.

Making platonic friends is very different from what you're trying to do. You know this, so don't play ignorant.

When's the last time you've engaged in some sexual innuendo with your male buddies?

May 4, 2014

Apology accepted.

Why I'd be more attractive when I'm spoken for.

I'd be happier than when I'm single. People are more attractive when they are happy.
When I was in a relationship my confidence and self-esteem were much higher than when I was single. Women are attracted to confident men.
I flirt more and have an easier time being sexual. Granted I was just flirting with my ex and using innuendo with her and I did it to her knowing that she wanted me. I should be able to apply that flirting to other women if I really tried. When I'm single I'm really bad at flirting.
I would be much more bold than I am now. When I have a GF, I wouldn't care that some girl in a class doesn't like me or would turn me down. I wouldn't have any fear of rejection at all. Right now the fear of rejection is something that is really holding me back.
Some women are actually more interested in a guy because he's taken. Essentially I'd be pre-approved. A woman might think, that because I have a girlfriend, that I am desirable. It's basically how one of the best times to get a job is when you're currently working. You're a more attractive prospect because somebody wants you.

Every one of these points is geared towards finding a girl suitable to date. This is not what someone who is looking for a buddy would write down.

Do you see the point I am trying to make? You may not be cheating physically (ie sleeping with another girl or going on a date with them) but you cannot deny that this is betrayal at some level.

May 4, 2014

Making platonic friends is very different from what you're trying to do. You know this, so don't play ignorant.

When's the last time you've engaged in some sexual innuendo with your male buddies?

It's making platonic friends that I may be able to sleep with down the line if things go bad with my GF.

What is wrong with that?

What I described is what my ex GF actually did before we started dating. She had a boyfriend, and she and I were just platonic friends.

Edited May 4, 2014 by somedude81

May 4, 2014

It's making platonic friends that I may be able to sleep with down the line if things go bad with my GF.

What is wrong with that?

I give up. Good luck with your future. There are quite a few posters in this thread that have a lot of patience and are genuinely trying to look out for you and want the best for you.

You just seem hard headed in your ways.

Take a look at whats going on SomeDude. Those people have healthy relationships and are trying to help you out. You are having trouble finding A (singular) girl yet you are justifying the need to have women waiting in the wings.

May 4, 2014

I give up. Good luck with your future.

Thank you, you too.

So long on your travels.

May 4, 2014

It's making platonic friends that I may be able to sleep with down the line if things go bad with my GF.

What is wrong with that?

What I described is what my ex GF actually did before we started dating. She had a boyfriend, and she and I were just platonic friends.

And see what happened in that relationship? What if the reason she up and left is because she decided to have a relationship with another "platonic" male friend she met after you? Would you be ok with her, knowing that she was doing this while she was in a relationship with you?

Now reverse the roles. This is what you are essentially asking your future gf to be ok with.

May 4, 2014

Why I'd be more attractive when I'm spoken for.

I'd be happier than when I'm single. People are more attractive when they are happy.

Yes, ok. So what is it specifically that is different about you in terms of your happiness? How do you come across to people when you are happy?

When I was in a relationship my confidence and self-esteem were much higher than when I was single. Women are attracted to confident men.

Yes, they are. So you were more confident? Why is that? what were you receiving from the relationship that gave you this confidence?

I flirt more and have an easier time being sexual. Granted I was just flirting with my ex and using innuendo with her and I did it to her knowing that she wanted me. I should be able to apply that flirting to other women if I really tried. When I'm single I'm really bad at flirting.

ok.. So why do you think it feels safer? What's the thing that makes it impossible when the safety net isn't there?

I would be much more bold than I am now. When I have a GF, I wouldn't care that some girl in a class doesn't like me or would turn me down. I wouldn't have any fear of rejection at all. Right now the fear of rejection is something that is really holding me back.

^ Read this back to yourself.

Some women are actually more interested in a guy because he's taken. Essentially I'd be pre-approved. A woman might think, that because I have a girlfriend, that I am desirable. It's basically how one of the best times to get a job is when you're currently working. You're a more attractive prospect because somebody wants you.

Why are woman more relaxed around a guy who is taken? What is it about a guy who is in a relationship that makes him "desirable"?

Be more specific. You are stating facts. Try and analyse it from a subconscious level, and by that, I mean, what is the difference in your motivations and therefore in women's responses to you.

May 4, 2014

And see what happened in that relationship? What if the reason she up and left is because she decided to have a relationship with another "platonic" male friend she met after you? Would you be ok with her, knowing that she was doing this while she was in a relationship with you?

Now reverse the roles. This is what you are essentially asking your future gf to be ok with.

You're still here? I thought you gave up.

At this point I'm pretty sure that my ex did leave me for another guy. It doesn't matter if it was an old friend or a new one.

Here's the thing, I can't control who my GF has for friends, I won't even try to.

It's extremely common for people to leave their current partner for somebody new.

Do to the nature of the game, women don't have to actively look for new guys because guys come to them. If my ex did leave me for another guy, like she left her BF for me, then I was at a severe disadvantage by not trying to meet new girls when I was with her.

I just wish I had been able to see when my relationship was fallen apart and jump ship.

May 4, 2014

Do to the nature of the game, women don't have to actively look for new guys because guys come to them.

That's not true. I was single for 7 years. I mentioned that before. There was not a whole bunch of suitable guys lining up to date me. Please give these unvalidated excuses a rest. It's not pity party time.

May 4, 2014

Why would I be creepy and be a lousy boyfriend if I was intentionally looking for the next girl?

I'm not sure how that would affect my current GF at all.

Describe how you would look for the next woman, and how it differs from simply making friends.

I'm married, and have friends and associates of both sexes who like me a lot. In no way am I looking for a next partner, however. My boundaries are clear, and I am always respectful of the fact that I am in a relationship. This is a matter of respect and loyalty.

Edited May 4, 2014 by xxoo

May 4, 2014

Yes, ok. So what is it specifically that is different about you in terms of your happiness? How do you come across to people when you are happy?

I'd say that I'm more talkative and less content to sit quietly. I'd smile more. Have fun more easily. There are just all sorts of that come from just being happy.

Yes, they are. So you were more confident? Why is that? what were you receiving from the relationship that gave you this confidence?

I got a huge confidence boost just knowing that she desired me.

Having regular sex with somebody I cared about did wonders for my self-esteem.

There's more to it that I can't really explain at this time. I just know that I felt infinitely better about myself when I had a GF.

There's also the fact that my confidence is really low when I'm single.

ok.. So why do you think it feels safer? What's the thing that makes it impossible when the safety net isn't there?

It's just a huge amount of risk and being feared as creepy. Also I was encouraged to be more sexual with her. I did something, she responded positively and the cycle builds upon itself.

Just knowing that it's OK and appreciated gives me a green light.

^ Read this back to yourself.

I'm not sure what point you are trying to make about my bold statement.

Why are woman more relaxed around a guy who is taken? What is it about a guy who is in a relationship that makes him "desirable"?

Be more specific. You are stating facts.

I really don't know. As you said, I'm just stating facts. I don't really understand women. There is no point in questioning why or complaining.

All I can do is try to play by the rules that are already established.

Try and analyse it from a subconscious level, and by that, I mean, what is the difference in your motivations and therefore in women's responses to you

Right now women can barely pick up on my signals of interest because they are so mild. Women think I'm just trying to be friends. They can't see my motivations.

Are you still talking about why a guy is more desirable when he's taken?

That's not true. I was single for 7 years. I mentioned that before. There was not a whole bunch of suitable guys lining up to date me. Please give these unvalidated excuses a rest. It's not pity party time.

I'm not looking for a pity party. I'm just stating what things are facts to me. A couple of exceptions do not disprove the rule.

I'm sure there were several reasons why you were single for so long though I don't want to get into that here.

May 4, 2014

Describe how you would look for the next woman, and how it differs from simply making friends.

I'm married, and have friends and associates of both sexes who like me a lot. In no way am I looking for a next partner, however. My boundaries are clear, and I am always respectful of the fact that I am in a relationship. This is a matter of respect and loyalty.

I actually realized that looking for the next woman wouldn't be that different at all from making new friends. Except that some of those new friends would be cute girls. I would do harmless flirting with those new friends.

One thing I would need to do with my GF is establish what and where the boundaries are.

Of course it must be stated that there is a very good chance that my next GF would have old male friends or make new ones and that there is a risk of her leaving me for one of them. All I am doing is making myself prepared for it that does happen.

May 4, 2014

I actually realized that looking for the next woman wouldn't be that different at all from making new friends. Except that some of those new friends would be cute girls. I would do harmless flirting with those new friends.

One thing I would need to do with my GF is establish what and where the boundaries are.

Of course it must be stated that there is a very good chance that my next GF would have old male friends or make new ones and that there is a risk of her leaving me for one of them. All I am doing is making myself prepared for it that does happen.

The women you are harmlessly flirting with should feel that you are completely devoted to your GF, and not trying to actually get their interest. That's the line.

If my man were encouraging other women to believe he is interested, I'd be all kinds of pissed! And he'd be single.

May 4, 2014

The reason you are more confident and less creepy to woman when you are in a relationship is your intentions and your motivation in corresponding with them.

When you are single.. and you want a GF, you EMANATE a desperateness that is unattractive because it's not specific to a person you know.

When you are in a relationship, you are not looking for that, so you are more genuine, which is attractive.

If you could reach the same level of happiness, contentment in yourself, have a purpose in your life other than finding a girl to rub up against, while single.... all your problems would melt away. If you lived for life, rather than for another person to give your life meaning, you will find a peace that you need in order to be happy.

What blows my mind, and what we find frustrating with you Somedude is that even in a thread 18 pages long, and 99.9% of posters have told you that trying to have girls on the side as back-up while in a relationship won't work, is a bad idea, is basically immoral, etc... you have still decided that that is the answer to your problems.

Why do you post a thread asking a question and then totally ignore every response?

May 4, 2014

Keep in mind that some of the women will be more comfortable and flirty with you because you are taken, and thus "safe", but would quickly add distance if you become single because they never were interested in dating you, just being friends.

Taken guy = not a guy wanting to date me. Ok to be friendly.

Single guy = probably wants to date me. Friendly might give him the wrong impression.

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How horrible is it to have a girl on the side in case your girlfriend leaves you?

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