He wanted us to still see each other, but he still has feelings for ex; now it's over

[hlvagrl]

I am no longer seeing a man I had been dating the past two months. Last Saturday, he told he still had feelings for his ex. However, he still wants to see me, because he too has feelings for me. On our third date, he had told me that he had feelings for his ex, but that he was into me and wanted to see where things would go. However, he never had mentioned it since, so I assumed those feelings had disappeared. They didn't.

 

I was rather blindsided by this admission, because he had led me to believe that something serious would transpire. We saw each other on the weekends, and he recently brought me flowers when I was sick the other day. In addition, we were sleeping with each other, and I didn't take him for a person that had sex with someone he was casually dating.

 

So, when he revealed this to me, I didn't handle the news well. I cried (in a public restaurant) and made him feel bad with my passive aggressive reaction. (Guilt-tripping him for pursuing me; boosting his ego by finally admitting that I REALLY liked him and all the wonderful things I thought of him)

 

Nothing he said would appease me: he still has feelings for me, and that we just need to communicate with each other if we want to work things out; he feels like a jerk because he did pursue me; the reasons why he likes me is because I'm so caring, sweet, supportive, etc.

 

We eventually brought the conversation back to my place; and then we brought it back to his place.

 

I asked him questions throughout the night until early Sunday morning:

- Was he going to get back with his ex (he thinks so; he envisions his future with her)

- How often does he contact her (they see each other all the time; when they're together, it's "perfect.")

- Why did they break up? (she's only 21 (he's 28) and he was her first boyfriend; she's not sure if her first love should be her first boyfriend, so she wants the freedom to see other people in the meantime; but she does love him and just needs this time to make sure that "he's the one.")

- What were his intentions with me? (he thought when he met me, that all his feelings would go away, but they haven't; but, i wasn't a rebound...he truly wanted to see if something would transpire between us)

 

I proceeded to ask these same questions until Sunday afternoon and proceeded to cry at the same time, while constantly thanking him for being open and honest with me; at least he's not keeping from this me and stringing me along; but that I was torn whether we should see each other or not.

 

In the interim of my questioning, he became cold towards me. He did not want to be in the same room with me; I would lay on his bed to sulk while he went into the living room to watch TV. I ran errands with him in the neighborhood, and both of us walked in utter silence. I did not leave his place until late afternoon, even though I should've just left that Saturday night. I thought that by delaying my leave, I would get him to say something that would give me a glimmer of hope that things could work out between us. That never happened. Finally, I knew I had to leave.

 

Upon leaving his apartment, I asked him if he was going to be okay, because I knew that he was upset because I was upset. It still wasn't clear where we stood, but that was a moot detail at that point.

 

Finally, he lashed out at me: That I should have just left the night before and told him to f**k off and go to h*ll, because I've only made things extremely uncomfortable by being too nice to him and accepting everything he had told me; since we walked in complete silence, and that should've been my cue to go; that we could've worked things out between us but i made things worse by making things that uncomfortable for him; he didn't want me in his apartment, but he didn't have the heart to tell me to go.

 

...and that's when I left, with wobbly knees and an aching pain in my heart; I've never been yelled at before, and this was a slap in the face. While I walked away, he yelled that he was sorry and didn't mean to lash out at me. I walked for a few minutes and turned around...he was still watching me from the door.

 

I came back to my apartment, curled up in a ball, and cried for the rest of the night until early morning.

 

I went to work the next day and received an email from him: he was so sorry if he had hurt me, but that he was just completely emotionally frustrated and didn't know what to say to me; that he was in love with someone else, and he was sorry if he led me to believe otherwise; he couldn't give me the love that i deserved; he was flattered by all the nice things i had to say about him, but he too has nothing but fond memories of me.

 

I never responded back. I know I have to move on, but it's hard. He was such a great person, that I would love to reconnect as friends. However, I don't think I could contact him for at least a couple months; hopefully, by that time, I will have moved on.

 

I feel like I acted irrationally and I don't want his last memories of me to be of a person that couldn't handle the truth and responded back with passive aggressiveness. Was my behavior psycho? What are everyone's views on his feelings toward his ex? Is he wondering why I'm not responding?

[Merin]

Oh Damn.. yeah.. that got ugly.

 

I'm really sorry for what you've been through.. honestly IF this had been me and the guy I had just started dating told me he still had feelings for someone else.. at that point I would've made the decision NOT to get attached to him.. but thats niether here nor there at this point.

 

Although he told you that you were not rebound (and hell for all we know, maybe he really believes that) but IMO yeah, you were rebound. The EXGF broke things off with him.. he didn't want her to, and thats pretty obvious just in knowing that although he doesn't like it that she is out looking around he is still willing to wait on her.

 

I'm sure he did/does think you're a nice girl and sweet, supportive.. all the things you've mentioned, but yeah.. he wasn't ready to get into a "relationship" with someone else.. he has NEVER gotten over his EXGF and the fact that she continues to give HIM some glimmer of hope and he's eating it up.. well that doesn't make for good "relationship material" for you.

 

Your behaviour that night... well honestly I can say that yeah it wasn't a good idea to go back to his place, AND staying there all night long into the next day.. damn.. not a good idea. I know you were hoping he might change his mind but honestly my take is this.. when someone tells you they are in love with someone else, they have told you they see a future with another girl and it's where they want to be.. the best thing to do is, believe them. Him becoming angry at the end.. I'm sure he did want you to tell him to f*ck off ect.. a lot of people do much better with that then they do with emotional hurt feelings.. and it's easier to walk away and say "Whadda B*tch" then to walk away knowing you've really hurt someone.

 

I'm also certain it was ackward for him to have you sitting in his apartment crying for almost 2 days.. he had made up his mind to end things but didn't have the heart (if you will) to tell you that you needed to go home.

 

Because of your reaction at this point, I would scrap the idea of being this guys friend.. you obviously had deeper feelings for him than he did for you.. and honestly, I really doubt if he wants to keep a friendship.. he has another agenda and I'm sorry to say, you're not on it.

 

IF you want to "leave" any "lasting impression" at this point the best thing to do here is NOTHING.

 

Don't respond to the email.. the 2 of you said everything there was to say for a few days in his apartment and nothing has changed.

 

Don't call him EVER for any reason.

 

Don't try to "bump into him" it will only make you look like a stalker and/or desperate.

 

Don't try to keep up with what he is doing.

 

Stay busy and focused on other things.. in time, you will feel better.

 

Oh yeah.. to answer your last 2 questions.. My feeling on his EX.. she's playing games, BUT he's willing to play so all him.

AND NO I don't think he wonders why you're not responding.. I'm willing to bet he thinks you still will, but hopes you don't.. sorry.

 

Best Wishes

[JoL]

I agree with Merin..no contact..at ALL is the best thing here.

 

It is unfortunate what happened, but to leave things on a better note than you had previously with the crying and the fight, just ignore his emails, his phone calls, dont talk to him at all.

 

You deserve to be with someone who love you in the same way as you love him.

Unfortunately this guy used you for a rebound while harbouring emotions for his ex-girlfriend.

Not cool, but it happens.

 

Just keep busy, do your own thing and life will get better, i promise!

[hlvagrl]

Thanks for the feedback; it's been a few days and I feel a bit better. However, I can't help but wonder if my actions scared him off? Had I not reacted the way I did (cry, stay over, etc), would there have been a chance that we could've worked things out?

[Merin]

Originally posted by hlvagrl

Thanks for the feedback; it's been a few days and I feel a bit better. However, I can't help but wonder if my actions scared him off? Had I not reacted the way I did (cry, stay over, etc), would there have been a chance that we could've worked things out?

 

IMO No things probably couldn't have worked out, because he's into someone.. and it isn't you.. sorry girl.

 

Do I think the way you re-acted enforced to him that he was making the right choice in ending things ( ) more than likely.. again.. I'm sorry.

 

Lesson learned though you know? Don't settle for someone who isn't all about you, you deserve that