about the dealbreakers

[thecrucible]

I'm kind of upset and confused *sniff* Hate how dating is so much pressure...

 

 

Went on a date with someone today. He was a great guy, could see myself growing attracted to him the more I got to know him, we had interests in common, he was interested in me and very much a gentleman. It was the best date I've had in a while. We talked to each other very easily and there were no awkward silences. I've decided to go on a second date.

 

 

However there are just a few things and I hate to be picky in this way because I am not a judgmental person, I'm just thinking about what I want in life and what's important.

 

 

I have a university degree and he doesn't. He's 7 years older than me and he's in a perfectly respectable job but not a professional one. Obviously I don't know how things will work out for me but I'm looking to work eventually in a professional career path which isn't going to pay much. It's also not a very secure area as lots of people who get into it have to move from short term contract to short term contract. I could also end up moving anywhere as jobs are scarce. I don't want to be living on a low income if for some reason, I have to give up work or whatever. My mum works in a career area which pays pretty little but my dad's a scientist so my parents are able to make ends meet, go on foreign holidays once a year, and pay myself and my brother through university. My mum was also able to take time off work to have children.

 

 

Am I being too picky? I'm not saying I'm contemplating future stuff with this guy after one date haha....It's just that after that date, it made me think actually "what do I want from a relationship anyway?". I could always see myself with someone else with a university education as would be a similar background to me. Dating was so much easier for me at university because everyone was automatically the same educational background as me.

 

 

Can anyone help me make sense of this?

[inaknot]

I'm kind of upset and confused *sniff* Hate how dating is so much pressure...

 

 

Went on a date with someone today. He was a great guy, could see myself growing attracted to him the more I got to know him, we had interests in common, he was interested in me and very much a gentleman. It was the best date I've had in a while. We talked to each other very easily and there were no awkward silences. I've decided to go on a second date.

 

 

However there are just a few things and I hate to be picky in this way because I am not a judgmental person, I'm just thinking about what I want in life and what's important.

 

 

I have a university degree and he doesn't. He's 7 years older than me and he's in a perfectly respectable job but not a professional one. Obviously I don't know how things will work out for me but I'm looking to work eventually in a professional career path which isn't going to pay much. It's also not a very secure area as lots of people who get into it have to move from short term contract to short term contract. I could also end up moving anywhere as jobs are scarce. I don't want to be living on a low income if for some reason, I have to give up work or whatever. My mum works in a career area which pays pretty little but my dad's a scientist so my parents are able to make ends meet, go on foreign holidays once a year, and pay myself and my brother through university. My mum was also able to take time off work to have children.

 

 

Am I being too picky? I'm not saying I'm contemplating future stuff with this guy after one date haha....It's just that after that date, it made me think actually "what do I want from a relationship anyway?". I could always see myself with someone else with a university education as would be a similar background to me. Dating was so much easier for me at university because everyone was automatically the same educational background as me.

 

 

Can anyone help me make sense of this?

 

You're thinking ahead, predicting the future, you've established you like this person. He might turn out to be an entrepreneur and earn more money than you could ever hope to earn or he might stay the same or something else, you have no way of knowing and none of us do. Why wait to be happy, be happy now and you can if you like this gentleman and he likes you. All of us do this far too often we make plans we make goals, we think ok when I reach that goal I will be happy, just be happy now and enjoy now, the future is unwritten and unknown and the past is gone, learn from it and move on. The present is all that matters.

[thecrucible]

You're thinking ahead, predicting the future, you've established you like this person. He might turn out to be an entrepreneur and earn more money than you could ever hope to earn or he might stay the same or something else, you have no way of knowing and none of us do. Why wait to be happy, be happy now and you can if you like this gentleman and he likes you. All of us do this far too often we make plans we make goals, we think ok when I reach that goal I will be happy, just be happy now and enjoy now, the future is unwritten and unknown and the past is gone, learn from it and move on. The present is all that matters.

 

 

 

Thanks. Thing is I'm holding back because I'm not sure whether I like him as a friend or more. And I'm freaked out by the idea of getting involved in a relationship which might be incompatible with my future plans. Part of me wants to continue the search and see what other types of guys are out there. I'm awful confused

[thecrucible]

I'm scared of being too fussy and ending up alone

[thecrucible]

He just sent me a message saying:

 

 

"Hi was good to meet you face to face I hope you got home safely. As I said when we left at station it would be good to see you again. You can be honest if you wouldn't like to meet up and leave it at that, i would understand. I felt we got on well no awkward silences and I understand you looking at the clock as you would of been thinking of what times for your train I get that would of done exactly the same lol. You looked good by the way whether it was with what you had on or if you had on dress you bought in San Francisco lol you would of looked good in either. Hope to hear soon whatever your decide you want to do. "

 

 

Still confused about what to do :/

[Mascara]

Is this about him not having a degree, or not having a well paid job? Because you have a degree, but admit your career won't be well paid.

 

Two scenarios, which would you prefer -

 

1 - he has no degree, but ends up in a very well paid job

2 - he has a degree, but wants to work in a career that is low paid and always will be

[inaknot]

He just sent me a message saying:

 

 

"Hi was good to meet you face to face I hope you got home safely. As I said when we left at station it would be good to see you again. You can be honest if you wouldn't like to meet up and leave it at that, i would understand. I felt we got on well no awkward silences and I understand you looking at the clock as you would of been thinking of what times for your train I get that would of done exactly the same lol. You looked good by the way whether it was with what you had on or if you had on dress you bought in San Francisco lol you would of looked good in either. Hope to hear soon whatever your decide you want to do. "

 

 

Still confused about what to do :/

 

You're still stuck in the future, is there any real reason why he couldn't be part of your future? Now think of this think of the perfect man at this present moment he ticks all the boxes, he's compatible with your future as you see it. How do you really know that since you don't know the future.

 

Do you like this person now in this present moment? You know that you can actually end relationships if they don't work out Why miss out on now just because the future holds such a strong persuasion on your heart. Do you like this man? Would you choose to date him now in the present moment? If you answer yes then I think you have the answer. The present is the most important factor in our lives as that is all we ever experience, the past is an experience of memory but not reality, the future we never experience except in our imagination, do you want to live in memory or imagination or in reality?

[Gaeta]

I'm kind of upset and confused *sniff* Hate how dating is so much pressure...

 

 

Went on a date with someone today. He was a great guy, could see myself growing attracted to him the more I got to know him, we had interests in common, he was interested in me and very much a gentleman. It was the best date I've had in a while. We talked to each other very easily and there were no awkward silences. I've decided to go on a second date.

 

 

However there are just a few things and I hate to be picky in this way because I am not a judgmental person, I'm just thinking about what I want in life and what's important.

 

 

I have a university degree and he doesn't. He's 7 years older than me and he's in a perfectly respectable job but not a professional one. Obviously I don't know how things will work out for me but I'm looking to work eventually in a professional career path which isn't going to pay much. It's also not a very secure area as lots of people who get into it have to move from short term contract to short term contract. I could also end up moving anywhere as jobs are scarce. I don't want to be living on a low income if for some reason, I have to give up work or whatever. My mum works in a career area which pays pretty little but my dad's a scientist so my parents are able to make ends meet, go on foreign holidays once a year, and pay myself and my brother through university. My mum was also able to take time off work to have children.

 

 

Am I being too picky? I'm not saying I'm contemplating future stuff with this guy after one date haha....It's just that after that date, it made me think actually "what do I want from a relationship anyway?". I could always see myself with someone else with a university education as would be a similar background to me. Dating was so much easier for me at university because everyone was automatically the same educational background as me.

 

 

Can anyone help me make sense of this?

 

This is 2014. You want financial security? get it yourself. You want a good retirement plan? Get it yourself. You want a good salary that will allow you to enjoy your favorite hobbies and travel? Get it yourself.

 

Then find a man, and pick him for HIM not for the financial security he can offer you. In life you can only count on yourself. You don't make life plans on someone else's financial stability.

 

I am an executive and my last boyfriend was a welder. He had more job securities than I did. Being educated and working as a professional does not mean a better job, better securities and better benefits. As a welder with 20 years experience he had a full retirement planned, dental paid, meds paid, sick days, he had a Sabbatical year accumulated. What I have as a VP? a pompous title with a good salary and nothing else.

[thecrucible]

Do you like this man? Would you choose to date him now in the present moment? If you answer yes then I think you have the answer.

 

 

 

I just need to think about it. I don't know whether I like him because I've only just met him. Too much pressure to make a decision now. I want to delay it awhile :/

[thecrucible]

Is this about him not having a degree, or not having a well paid job? Because you have a degree, but admit your career won't be well paid.

 

Two scenarios, which would you prefer -

 

1 - he has no degree, but ends up in a very well paid job

2 - he has a degree, but wants to work in a career that is low paid and always will be

 

 

 

It's hard to know which to pick but think I'd prefer situation number 2.

[Mascara]

It's hard to know which to pick but think I'd prefer situation number 2.

 

Then why was your original post all about how you need him to be university educated because you need financial security, and that your dad supported your mum?

[inaknot]

It's hard to know which to pick but think I'd prefer situation number 2.

 

All a degree means is piece of paper that says you're capable of studying to a certain level. Surely you're not judging people on the basis of whether they have a degree or not, I guess you are. This is a limiting factor for you, whether you can get over it or not is up to you.

[thecrucible]

Then why was your original post all about how you need him to be university educated because you need financial security, and that your dad supported your mum?

 

 

 

Well maybe I want both? I hate to say it but I should be honest on this thread in order to get the best advice. I guess the ideal for me would be a guy also with a university degree/don't care what job he has as long as he's ambitious in some way.

 

 

I'm so confused at this stage of my life...maybe my ambivalence is because I'm so unsure whether I will find financial security myself....maybe if I do find it, I'll think differently. Maybe I need to put less pressure on myself to settle down?

 

 

You know I'm just so confused now that I'm beginning to cry about this. ahh

[d0nnivain]

If everything else is good, the lack of a degree shouldn't be a deal breaker. I have a fancy post-graduate degree. When we met my DH was still in college. If I dumped him because he didn't have the same fancy degree I have I would have lost out on the best thing in my life. I have dated men with my fancy degree & they were all arrogant jerks.

[Mascara]

Well maybe I want both? I hate to say it but I should be honest on this thread in order to get the best advice. I guess the ideal for me would be a guy also with a university degree/don't care what job he has as long as he's ambitious in some way.

 

 

I'm so confused at this stage of my life...maybe my ambivalence is because I'm so unsure whether I will find financial security myself....maybe if I do find it, I'll think differently. Maybe I need to put less pressure on myself to settle down?

 

 

You know I'm just so confused now that I'm beginning to cry about this. ahh

 

You're not being honest with yourself. You're dressing it up as "I want someone as educated as I am", but in reality it's the financial security you want.

 

Which is fine, but at least be honest with yourself about that. What is your intended career?

[thecrucible]

You're not being honest with yourself. You're dressing it up as "I want someone as educated as I am", but in reality it's the financial security you want.

 

Which is fine, but at least be honest with yourself about that. What is your intended career?

 

 

 

Okay yeah I guess I want a guy who's financially better off than me so I can feel like I have that security...but if not that financially off, pursuing a career area which will eventually lead to that. I would never ever expect a guy to pay for everything or be my meal ticket. I also want a career...but at same time, I like the idea of being looked after.

 

 

I want to be an Archivist or work in a museum, both of which don't pay much.

[Keenly]

A couple things are confusing to me here.

 

 

He doesn't have a degree... so what? I know a guy who had 3 months of community college and has 4.5 million in assets, and he is only 29.

 

 

 

He doesn't work in a professional environment, but has a good job.

 

At the same time, you DO work in a professional environment, but your pay doesn't sound high, your job security doesn't sound high, and your location stability doesn't sound high...

 

 

And you want him to be responsible for making up the difference between where you are and where you want to be? That doesn't sound fair...

 

 

It sounds like your deal breaker here is he isn't rich enough for you.

 

 

Its PERFECTLY OKAY to have that standard, but just admit it if you do.

[ASG]

You're not being honest with yourself. You're dressing it up as "I want someone as educated as I am", but in reality it's the financial security you want.

 

Which is fine, but at least be honest with yourself about that. What is your intended career?

 

But also, you need to realise that having a degree does not provide financial security and you shouldn't be counting on a potential partner to provide that security, since your intended field of work is low pay.

[thecrucible]

A couple things are confusing to me here.

 

 

He doesn't have a degree... so what? I know a guy who had 3 months of community college and has 4.5 million in assets, and he is only 29.

 

 

 

He doesn't work in a professional environment, but has a good job.

 

At the same time, you DO work in a professional environment, but your pay doesn't sound high, your job security doesn't sound high, and your location stability doesn't sound high...

 

 

And you want him to be responsible for making up the difference between where you are and where you want to be? That doesn't sound fair...

 

 

It sounds like your deal breaker here is he isn't rich enough for you.

 

 

Its PERFECTLY OKAY to have that standard, but just admit it if you do.

 

 

 

To be honest, the guys I have dated who are less well-educated have actually turned out to be less jerky. But I kind of look up to guys that are more intelligent than me (guess it reminds me of my dad if you want to get all psychology about it). I need to be more open-minded. I know what long-term relationships involved because I've been in them. I know what the most important stuff is when you take the superficial fluff away.

 

 

Maybe I don't know what I want? Maybe I should take it slow with guys and be in the 'figuring out what I want' phase of dating rather than thinking about finding a life partner.

 

 

My parents aren't rich but I'm guess I'm used to lifestyle I had growing up and want a similar lifestyle going forward. If two people are both not in well-paid jobs then, guess I wouldn't be able to have the same kind of life I had growing up.

[thecrucible]

But also, you need to realise that having a degree does not provide financial security and you shouldn't be counting on a potential partner to provide that security, since your intended field of work is low pay.

 

 

 

Yeah you're right.

[thecrucible]

Perhaps I should wait until I'm more financially secure myself, and more secure in work before I date. It would make it a level playing field. I feel guilty about it otherwise.

[Keenly]

I know exactly what you mean about the intelligence part. I am the counterpart to your desirefor that. I know a lot about a lot, and I LOVE sharing and teaching my girlfriend when I have one. I love when she looks interested and asks me questions.

 

 

Just remember, education and intelligence are unrelated. The stupidest person you've ever met can have a degree, buy they are still stupid. The smartest person you've ever met could only have a high school diploma.

 

Just remember that intelligence isn't something that's handed to you on a fancy piece of stationary. Its the spark behind the eyes, the ever inquisitive mind always wondering, always questioning, always learning.

[thecrucible]

I know exactly what you mean about the intelligence part. I am the counterpart to your desirefor that. I know a lot about a lot, and I LOVE sharing and teaching my girlfriend when I have one. I love when she looks interested and asks me questions.

 

 

Just remember, education and intelligence are unrelated. The stupidest person you've ever met can have a degree, buy they are still stupid. The smartest person you've ever met could only have a high school diploma.

 

Just remember that intelligence isn't something that's handed to you on a fancy piece of stationary. Its the spark behind the eyes, the ever inquisitive mind always wondering, always questioning, always learning.

 

 

 

Thank you. That's helpful to me.

 

 

I feel like a bad person. I mean I'm young. I'm not sure when I want to settle down but I don't want a casual relationship either. I don't want to rush into anything.

 

 

I'm not sure whether or not I feel romantic about this guy and I don't know how long I'm allowed to think about it. I don't want to hurt anyone. I want to feel head over heels before I get into a relationship so I know there's less chance of heartbreak.

 

 

I want to know I won't want to see what else is out there as that isn't fair on the guy. I kind of want to continue going on dates with other people to have more perspective on things. I'm not sure I feel attracted to him enough yet to stay hooked but I absolutely do not find him ugly. I think what if I pick someone and then someone I like better comes along? So I want to feel like that won't ever happen with guy I get serious with.

[Joangel]

How many people with masters in education are unemployed today from budget cuts? What about accountants who lost half their clients to Turbox tax? You get my drift... However, I am sure your parents used the same reliable Plummer, repair man, mechanic for years right? Nothing is promised in this life and while many jobs not be BiG money they are steady money.

 

Furthermore, if he is a good person and really cares about you that matters most. I would rather be with a poor man who is willing share his only shirt than a rich man who cringes when he has to hand over a dollar.

 

Love is rare! If you found it hold on tight!

[Keenly]

Sometimes people spend so much time worrying about the future that they never truly live life.