Hitman_47 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I am getting really confused with my current relationship. I'll try to make a list of pros and cons and see if anyone has had any similar situation before... I have been seeing this girl for almost a year and a half now. We fight a bunch and honestly the initial super-attraction / honeymoon stage is kind of fading down. Pros: - She's very loyal. I know she'd never cheat on me. - Has a lot of values that I like. Like takes care of her family, doesn't over-party, is not an attention whore, etc. - She's sweet, cuddly and very good looking. Cons: - We fight a lot over double standards. And her fighting is very emotional, screaming, crying, etc. Quick example - I had scheduled lunch with a female friend... she went ****ing ballistic. I cancelled. About 3 weeks after a guy-friend of hers came from some other country and they grabbed lunch. Honestly I wasn't jealous at all, but I pointed out that it's kind of a double standard... - She goes ****ing ballistic emotionally. Example - last weekend we had not seen each other for 1 day and while talking on the phone, she asked me if I missed her. I was like "Nope, we saw each other yesterday". Then she asked me how long would it take for me to miss her. And I said "about 1 week". She started crying like crazy and kept complaining and nagging. - The initial honeymoon stage seems over. At first you couldn't get us off each other. Now Im kind of confused. Have dreams about having sex with other girls... . And even pictured having sex with another girl while having sex with her a few times... - She is a few years older than me (I'm 25 she's 28) - She does not have a very good plan about what she is doing with her future... TLDR: My gf is an amazing girl with a great personality and great looks but is really naggy and complains a lot. I try my best, but yet feel unsatisfied and sometimes unhappy... Should I try to fix things or should I try to cut my losses :S
Legatus Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I understand those double standards. I had similar situation in my last relationship.. She was going out every weekend when we lived apart and I wasn't too jealous (a little bit of healthy jealousy was good) because I trusted her. Then I went out after a company awards ceremony (we won) and came back home few hours later then I planned - I had 3 hour argument with lots of shouting, crying and even packing and she was ready to move out From what I know if those double standards are some kind of flaws on person's character - and they're not willing to change it, that's it. They will always be there and at some point you will realise that your life is getting limited but the other half is having time of their life.. best thing is to put the cards on the table (I wish I had done it). Perhaps she doesn't realise how limiting your life gets because those double standards. If she knows it and defends herself then you can be sure it will continue..
Sunfire73 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 It's up to you. Are they dealbreakers for you? Are you looking to settle down anytime soon? Do you think she's the one? You are young and can have the time to date others so you would know what you want. But should you move on, hope you learn from this relationship and be a better boyfriend and be more equipped to carry a long term relationship.
Author Hitman_47 Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 But should you move on, hope you learn from this relationship and be a better boyfriend Im missing the point where Im not being a good boyfriend 2
Sunfire73 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 You have been having thoughts about other women, that doesn't sound like a loyal boyfriend
d0nnivain Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Should I try to fix things or should I try to cut my losses :S What's there for you to fix? All you can do is accept her double standards & histrionics. You can't make her change. You can't make her more rational. I don't see why you would accept these bad behaviors. They won't get any better. There are lots of beautiful, smart women with good values out there who aren't psycho, childish drama queens. You can she's not an attention whore but her behavior indicates otherwise. The choice is yours. There is no fix. There is only you resigning yourself to putting up with her drama or you walking away. She won't change. 1
Versacehottie Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 You have been having thoughts about other women, that doesn't sound like a loyal boyfriend I don't think we know or don't know if OP is being a good boyfriend. Pretty sure that great boyfriends think about other women from time to time--just like great girlfriends think about other guys but are still loyal. Being thought police is a buzzkill 3
Sunfire73 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Im missing the point where Im not being a good boyfriend O and I didn't say you were not good. I just said you can be better.
shinealight Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 (edited) That's what i said to my friend who is in the same situation but won't listen. People won't change and you can't make her change either. You need to decide if you see a future with her because if you don't you need to tell her how you feel. Donnivian made a good point there what is the point of putting up with someone who is going to shout at you all the time over silly things and complain all the time? Mustn't you get stressed all the time over it? Why put up with that when you can find someone who is just going to make you smile all the time and make you happy and *stress free*. Edited April 28, 2014 by shinealight
Author Hitman_47 Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 What's there for you to fix? All you can do is accept her double standards & histrionics. You can't make her change. You can't make her more rational. I don't see why you would accept these bad behaviors. They won't get any better. There are lots of beautiful, smart women with good values out there who aren't psycho, childish drama queens. You can she's not an attention whore but her behavior indicates otherwise. The choice is yours. There is no fix. There is only you resigning yourself to putting up with her drama or you walking away. She won't change. Honestly, I admire so many of her qualities. I see my female friends surrounded by guys and feel bad about their bfs. My gf does not have an excessive amount of guy friends and is very cut clear about not flirting with other guys at all. On the other hand though, I feel like Im missing something. My social life is losing a lot of value. She goes ballistic if I try to go to parties without her (I HONESTLY just wanna grab a beer with friends, but if she's there then I won't really have any quality time with my friends)... If she gets bothered by a female friend of mine, then I have to cut her out or not invite her anymore. I've lost 2-3 friends like this for now... . On one hand it's fine since they're not as important as my gf... but on the other hand, Im just being more and more closed to the outside world just to fix her insecurities...
Author Hitman_47 Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 Donnivian made a good point there what is the point of putting up with someone who is going to shout at you all the time over silly things and complain all the time? Mustn't you get stressed all the time over it? Why put up with that when you can find someone who is just going to make you smile all the time and make you happy and *stress free*. I am just not so sure how better a relationship can be... I have dated quite a bit but this is my first real relationship. I was (and still am) really in love with this girl... and she does make me happy at times and does not push my jealousy buttons too much (doesn't over flirt with guys, I know she's insecure, and honestly I am fine with that... as long as she somehow keeps it inside and doesn't yell at me at the first occurence... She says that if I want she can stop complaining but then she will just distance herself and we wont be as close, therefore we will lose some of the connection we have... I am just f'ing confused. And traditionally I have been brought up to work on things and repair them rather than just find a new one. She is kind of the same, which I like.
d0nnivain Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Do you understand that YOU can't fix this? She has to but she doesn't see a problem. So now what? She's already costing you friends. How much more are you going to lose before you realize that this can't be fixed by you?
GoreSP Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Fix. You can't spend your life throwing away something as soon as it becomes 'not so easy anymore' Keep in mind your girlfriend will have to be willing to work on herself as well. She sounds a little intense... 1
Author Hitman_47 Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 Fix. You can't spend your life throwing away something as soon as it becomes 'not so easy anymore' Keep in mind your girlfriend will have to be willing to work on herself as well. She sounds a little intense... Thanks, that's what I think. I see a lot of people have the attitude that as soon as they see something they don't like in their partner, they try to move on rather than compromise... Im not perfect either... and I don't think I'll find someone who is perfect... but when we've had the "intensity" discussion before, she says she would become cold and more distant if she did tone it down. Furthermore, still the other problems persist. Some of them (me thinking about other women are not even hers to fix )
shinealight Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 (edited) So your'e just going to lose all your'e mates, have no social life, let your'e life resolve around her and you are happy about that? Because if you are then fine, but I like to tell people in this situation don't come crying to us when it comes crashing down and she's not the girl you wanted to marry in the future. And these other women you think about, do you want to be with them more than your'e girlfriend? Edited April 28, 2014 by shinealight
Author Hitman_47 Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 And these other women you think about, do you want to be with them more than your'e girlfriend? No, not in a relationship. But I've dreamed a few times that I was straight up cheating on my gf with a few of them. (as in I knew I was cheating on her in the dream). When Im not dreaming, a few times I find it hot to think about any of these other girls wanting me and us doing the deed... These are real girls that usually have been into me in the past... But no, mainly I would not wanna be with most of these girls. With a select few... I wonder "what if" (usually when I imagine a girl I've dated in the past)
Phantom888 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 She is probably at the age where she expects to be married soon. So if you don't see her in your future, you should let her go. 1
shinealight Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Good because you don't want to cheat it ruins everything trust me. I think you just need to decide what you what you want in the relationship.
Hopeful30 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 From the sounds of it, looks like all the pros come at a very high price. There are lots of cuddly, sweet and loyal girls who don't come with emotional instability that she does. If it's like this already at only one year, imagine how it will get in 5 or 10. My advice would be to move on (and it seems that you're already starting to by fantasizing about other women when with her etc.)
Author Hitman_47 Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 From the sounds of it, looks like all the pros come at a very high price. There are lots of cuddly, sweet and loyal girls who don't come with emotional instability that she does. If it's like this already at only one year, imagine how it will get in 5 or 10. My advice would be to move on (and it seems that you're already starting to by fantasizing about other women when with her etc.) But **** it's so hard to move on... And getting back to the single life trying to find a "cuddly, sweet and loyal" girl, seems like so much work and time I could otherwise spend on other things...
pteromom Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 - We fight a lot over double standards. And her fighting is very emotional, screaming, crying, etc. People do what works. When she screamed and cried, you canceled your meeting with your friend. So you reinforced to her that crying and screaming gets her what she wants. What you need to do is teach her that it DOESN'T work. If she cries and screams, tell her that you love her and want to fix this, but will talk to her about it after she calms down. Then just WALK OUT. Go somewhere she isn't. Come back later, and be very loving and kind and sweet, and talk about the issue logically. If she starts getting emotional, stay calm, and say "I want to talk to you about this, but it's getting crazy again. Come here and let me hold you for a minute, and then we'll talk some more." If you are doing something she doesn't like, such as going to lunch with a female friend, tell her that you love her, and understand that her reaction is just fear of losing you. So be reassuring and kind, but DO NOT cancel your lunch. When you are through with lunch, text or call her and tell her you are done and can't wait to see her. (Your goal is to teach her that when you go out, you come home again, and everything is OK.) - The initial honeymoon stage seems over. At first you couldn't get us off each other. Now Im kind of confused. Have dreams about having sex with other girls... . And even pictured having sex with another girl while having sex with her a few times... A year to 1 1/2 years is about right for the ending of the honeymoon stage. Thinking about other girls is normal, just don't let the thoughts become obsessive, or start giving them any more importance than they have. - She is a few years older than me (I'm 25 she's 28) This doesn't matter at all. - She does not have a very good plan about what she is doing with her future... Is this important to you? If it is, talk to her about it, and help her figure it out. That's what a friend does, and you are a friend first and foremost. is really naggy and complains a lot. Again, people do what works. She won't be naggy if she learns it doesn't work to be that way. Should I try to fix things or should I try to cut my losses :S I would try to fix things. You gave two HUGE pros in your list: you have compatible values, and she is loyal and faithful. Add that you are attracted to her, and you have the makings of a possible lifetime love relationship. Read about stages in relationships. It's normal to worry when you phase out of honeymoon stage, but with a little work on both your parts, you can create something new and deep and very real.
todreaminblue Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Hey hitman i think you should talk about it with her honestly and let her know how you feel, leave out the having fantasy sex with other women thing that would not be good....just be honest with what has been bugging you ......if you continue to have thoughts of other women and especially if you are having them while having sex with her......then its only a matter of time before the relationship will fold ...you have to decide in your heart what you really want to do ....shouldn't be on what anothers heart thinks, its a serious concern..in my honest opinion, fantasizing about other women while having sex with your girlfriend points to that you are not happy at all in the relationship that maybe this woman isnt the woman for you.....best wishes....deb
Author Hitman_47 Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 People do what works. When she screamed and cried, you canceled your meeting with your friend. So you reinforced to her that crying and screaming gets her what she wants. What you need to do is teach her that it DOESN'T work. If she cries and screams, tell her that you love her and want to fix this, but will talk to her about it after she calms down. Then just WALK OUT. Go somewhere she isn't. Come back later, and be very loving and kind and sweet, and talk about the issue logically. If she starts getting emotional, stay calm, and say "I want to talk to you about this, but it's getting crazy again. Come here and let me hold you for a minute, and then we'll talk some more." If you are doing something she doesn't like, such as going to lunch with a female friend, tell her that you love her, and understand that her reaction is just fear of losing you. So be reassuring and kind, but DO NOT cancel your lunch. When you are through with lunch, text or call her and tell her you are done and can't wait to see her. (Your goal is to teach her that when you go out, you come home again, and everything is OK.) A year to 1 1/2 years is about right for the ending of the honeymoon stage. Thinking about other girls is normal, just don't let the thoughts become obsessive, or start giving them any more importance than they have. This doesn't matter at all. Is this important to you? If it is, talk to her about it, and help her figure it out. That's what a friend does, and you are a friend first and foremost. Again, people do what works. She won't be naggy if she learns it doesn't work to be that way. I would try to fix things. You gave two HUGE pros in your list: you have compatible values, and she is loyal and faithful. Add that you are attracted to her, and you have the makings of a possible lifetime love relationship. Read about stages in relationships. It's normal to worry when you phase out of honeymoon stage, but with a little work on both your parts, you can create something new and deep and very real. Ive done what you described above a few times... but it is not easy to do it all the time... I try to understand her a lot. I comfort her a lot. But sometimes I feel like I wish I wasn't always the one who is comforting... She was also brought up with a dad and uncle who would do anything for her at the drop of a hat... so it's normal that she's learned to cry and scream to try to get her way... Unlearning that will take much more than a few times acting otherwise. As for the age GAP. I seriously think this might be an issue in the future. I want about 3 kids in my life, but yet am not ready for a kid for at least 3 more years... and I heard that as women get older the chances of defects during birth increase :S
twinkie0 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Ive done what you described above a few times... but it is not easy to do it all the time... I try to understand her a lot. I comfort her a lot. But sometimes I feel like I wish I wasn't always the one who is comforting... She was also brought up with a dad and uncle who would do anything for her at the drop of a hat... so it's normal that she's learned to cry and scream to try to get her way... Unlearning that will take much more than a few times acting otherwise. As for the age GAP. I seriously think this might be an issue in the future. I want about 3 kids in my life, but yet am not ready for a kid for at least 3 more years... and I heard that as women get older the chances of defects during birth increase :S I don't think you should mind the age gap, it's pretty small. I'm gonna have to go with one of the previous people that answered. You can try talking to her, but it is what it is. Chances of her changing are slim to none, and although you are definately attracted to her, you don't really seem in love, at least you don't like her to the point of putting up with her tantrums. If you really see a future with her, talk to her. If not, you should probably end it.
preraph Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 - She goes ****ing ballistic emotionally. Example - last weekend we had not seen each other for 1 day and while talking on the phone, she asked me if I missed her. I was like "Nope, we saw each other yesterday". Then she asked me how long would it take for me to miss her. And I said "about 1 week". She started crying like crazy and kept complaining and nagging. Good grief. your girlfriend flirtatiously asks you if you missed her and you say "Nope (doesn't matter what follows)." You don't know how to be nice. What a rude thing to say to someone. I mean, you don't have to make a huge deal out of it, but politeness would require at minimum an "of course" in a nice tone. You outright are insulting your girlfriend. No wonder she's cooling down. What's to like?
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