GF separated from ex-husband who seriously harasses her - call PD?

[decom]

Hi all,

 

Here's the situation.

 

I'm currently dating a woman who is in the process of a divorce. She's been seperated from her spouse for about ten months now, and has been living on her own for about four months. There is one child, a son.

 

I've known this woman as a friend for about ten years and her estranged husband for about as long. With regards to our relationship, she "came to me" for advice and things sort of just happened, as it were.

 

We've been seeing each other since December.

 

She was employed, but left the job due to uncomfortable working conditions (sales, but the supervisors were encouraging her and other female employees to "do favors" to get the sale...) and is currently looking for steady employment. She's been living off of savings and freelance income. I help her when possible, but I'm am not wealthy.

 

We've been very discreet and circumspect about our relationship. I've not been present around her son lest he say something, and we keep our relationship "known" to our respective familes. We maintain separate residencies.

 

However, her estranged husband found out about our relationship recently. The method was that he accessed her Facebook account and read the chat logs between my girlfriend and her mother, which some discussion topics referred to (in a postive fashion) me. The access was probably due to a weak password. I've counseled her on security matters (we use an uncommon encrypted chat app for our discussions - Telegram - per-device authentication, very slick) but unfortunately I guess when your mother needs to chat, you can't tell her to switch to some obscure application.

 

The situation rapidly devolved from there. She informed me within minutes of his finding out. He posted a highly uncomplimentary post on my Facebook wall using her account, which I quickly deleted, but I took a screenshot of it. He then began issuing many a threat about me to her, which she documented. The following evening, he likely vandalized my vehicle, by keying the trunk and side quarter panel. My rough estimate of the damage is $1500. I say likely since I have no proof of his act. I then put my vehicle in hiding.

 

He then continued to harass her verbally by text, making threats, degrading her, threatening to block her from seeing their son, and so on. This behavior was present before the current situation, so she's been dealing with it for months. He's generally verbally abusive and harassing, but maybe once a day he will "relent" and offer to "make up for it". This has been a vicious cycle, all of which she has documented.

 

This morning, while she was offloading some groceries from her car, he "happened" to be outside her residence, and was asking for my location and verbally harassing her in public.

 

Since the beginning of this relationship, I have not engaged him in any contact at all, either electronically or in person. I am taking the "moral high ground" as it were. My contact with him has been a big zero. He is blocked from calling, texting, or contacting me by social media channels. I take circuitous routes around town and I also utilize alternate vehicles and modes of transport. Better safe than sorry. I do not want contact with him lest I jeopardize her divorce case. With regards to the damage to my car, I'm willing to overlook that if it ensures her safety. DIY kits exist for a reason.

 

My current concerns:

 

- Traditional divorce takes time and is expensive. She lacks the funds to finance it, and so do I.

 

- We've looked into restraining orders and law enforcement involvement, but that is a line she is hesitant to cross, mainly because of her child. Also she and I wonder if the verbal harassment is enough to get a TRO? Also, a TRO is a "piece of paper" - it could serve to anger him immensely and cause more rash behavior.

 

- She's bearing the brunt of his wrath, and now unfortunately I am. He's likely committed an act of vandalism to my property. But that is of no moment as compared to the suffering my girlfriend has endured.

 

We're looking for affordable options which result in a positive outcome, especially concerning her child.

 

Thank you all for your advice.

[ktya]

To be honest, if you are a mutual friend of both of them, I can see why the guy is flipping his lid. In the vacuum of information he is probably suspicious that you are part of the reason for his divorce, however accurate or erroneous that conclusion may be. For all he knows you've secretly been texting her since before the divorce (the marriage usually ends before the divorce is filed). That doesn't make his actions right but divorces and breakups are emotionally charged matters often with devastating financial consequences for the male.

 

You mention you started seeing her in December, and that her divorce was filed 10 months ago. That means you were in romantic relations with her 5 months after the divorce. Being a mutual friend of the both of them you broke the "no go zone" and you knew it, which is why you have done your best to keep things as discreet as possible. If what you and she were doing was perfectly ethical, you would have had no problem announcing your relationship to the world (although perhaps not to the kids).

 

My advice to you is as follows:

 

1. Back off for a while. Not to let this guys zany antics meddle in your love life but rather she has a lot of issues to work on with her own separation, divorce, and situation. You need to stay out of it, stop offering her advice on him, the divorce, the police, everything. Offer her some emotional support when she needs it but this is her problem. You as the inbound boyfriend are not the person to give her this kind of advice.

 

2. Keep blocking the guy because he's threatening you and you do not want to be involved. You should have never gotten this involved in the situation from the get go, and you are totally making her divorce and custody situation worse because you have done so. Do not try to broker any peace deal or explain yourself. Just entirely remove yourself from this situation.

 

3. Understand that you basically preyed on a woman who was going through a tough separation. You are a rebound. It is highly unlikely that this relationship is going to go anywhere. While your intentions were probably very saintly, from the outside you will appear to many people (especially the ex and anyone in his social circle) as basically a predator.

 

This divorce, separation, ex, all of it is her problem to deal with. I dont mean that in any kind of a cold way as in "not my problem" I mean that only she knows all of the dynamics and moving parts. You were not in her bedroom hearing the pillow talk shared between her and her ex husband. You were not there when he proposed. You did not read the cards she gave him on his birthday. You were not part of the process that caused the two of them to fall in love. You were not a peice of the puzzle when they had children and named them. You have no idea what kind of conversations they actually have had before, during and after the divorce papers were filed. You dont know what SHE said to him.

 

If you catch my drift, you are completely in the dark. You have heard her sad sob stories about her breakup and how awful her husband was to her when they were together, I'm sure. But there are two sides to every story and after a breakup or divorce a huge percentage of women turn into the poor waif victim and demonize their ex husband/partner as an abusive nut job wacko. He's not exactly helping matters by acting like a wackjob - but there most definitely is another side to this story.

 

TBH, if you were my friend or aquaintance and moved in on my ex wife that I had a kid with 4 or 5 months into the divorce before anything was finalized, I'd want to key your car and bash your head in too.

 

My advice? Remove yourself from this situation and limit your contact with the woman to emotional support and the occasional hot sex. Do not be her "boyfriend" until the divorce is finalized. Legally, you are the boyfriend of a married woman until then.

[decom]

To be honest, if you are a mutual friend of both of them, I can see why the guy is flipping his lid. In the vacuum of information he is probably suspicious that you are part of the reason for his divorce, however accurate or erroneous that conclusion may be. For all he knows you've secretly been texting her since before the divorce (the marriage usually ends before the divorce is filed). That doesn't make his actions right but divorces and breakups are emotionally charged matters often with devastating financial consequences for the male.

 

You mention you started seeing her in December, and that her divorce was filed 10 months ago. That means you were in romantic relations with her 5 months after the divorce. Being a mutual friend of the both of them you broke the "no go zone" and you knew it, which is why you have done your best to keep things as discreet as possible. If what you and she were doing was perfectly ethical, you would have had no problem announcing your relationship to the world (although perhaps not to the kids).

 

My advice to you is as follows:

 

1. Back off for a while. Not to let this guys zany antics meddle in your love life but rather she has a lot of issues to work on with her own separation, divorce, and situation. You need to stay out of it, stop offering her advice on him, the divorce, the police, everything. Offer her some emotional support when she needs it but this is her problem. You as the inbound boyfriend are not the person to give her this kind of advice.

 

2. Keep blocking the guy because he's threatening you and you do not want to be involved. You should have never gotten this involved in the situation from the get go, and you are totally making her divorce and custody situation worse because you have done so. Do not try to broker any peace deal or explain yourself. Just entirely remove yourself from this situation.

 

3. Understand that you basically preyed on a woman who was going through a tough separation. You are a rebound. It is highly unlikely that this relationship is going to go anywhere. While your intentions were probably very saintly, from the outside you will appear to many people (especially the ex and anyone in his social circle) as basically a predator.

 

This divorce, separation, ex, all of it is her problem to deal with. I dont mean that in any kind of a cold way as in "not my problem" I mean that only she knows all of the dynamics and moving parts. You were not in her bedroom hearing the pillow talk shared between her and her ex husband. You were not there when he proposed. You did not read the cards she gave him on his birthday. You were not part of the process that caused the two of them to fall in love. You were not a peice of the puzzle when they had children and named them. You have no idea what kind of conversations they actually have had before, during and after the divorce papers were filed. You dont know what SHE said to him.

 

If you catch my drift, you are completely in the dark. You have heard her sad sob stories about her breakup and how awful her husband was to her when they were together, I'm sure. But there are two sides to every story and after a breakup or divorce a huge percentage of women turn into the poor waif victim and demonize their ex husband/partner as an abusive nut job wacko. He's not exactly helping matters by acting like a wackjob - but there most definitely is another side to this story.

 

TBH, if you were my friend or aquaintance and moved in on my ex wife that I had a kid with 4 or 5 months into the divorce before anything was finalized, I'd want to key your car and bash your head in too.

 

My advice? Remove yourself from this situation and limit your contact with the woman to emotional support and the occasional hot sex. Do not be her "boyfriend" until the divorce is finalized. Legally, you are the boyfriend of a married woman until then.

 

 

Thank you for your insight. I do see how he sees it. And with his current behavior it does reinforce her statements about his prior conduct.

 

And yes, deep down inside I do realize I'm probably the rebound. Again, she came to me, I was totally minding my own business as a confirmed bachelor until then. I know it's just my words here but I did nothing to start it. Though I suppose I could have stopped it.

 

Unfortunately right now I'm involved. My goal right now is to help her through the current situation. My desire is to de-escalate and not escalate. I don't mind running dark. After she is clear, at least in terms of having a job and security, I can address the "rest of our life". Right now, abandonment isn't in the cards.

She's in a pretty bad spot.

 

I do know the legal machinations are exclusively her problem. She knows her options and it's up to her to pursue them.

[ktya]

If you intend to remain involved with her, you may want to become uninvolved with her ex husband and the divorce. Be a shoulder for her to cry on, an ear to listen, but refrain from offering any advice or being anything other than a passive recipient there to support her emotionally and you may want to have a discussion with her that given recent events this is your new stance. That you will listen but not discuss the topic of her ex or the divorce, police.

 

While this is a major situation in her life one way you can help her best is by being the guy who takes her mind off of it.

 

Given that they have kids she will have a relationship with this man probably for the rest of her life in some shape or form. She knows him best. Let her deal with him. If she needs advice suggest professionals (counsellors, lawyers) and family (mother, sister, aunt) and friends but you need to keep out of it.

[decom]

She might be doing just that, without actively knowing it's the right course. I should just let her do that. Unfortunately, the only way out is for those papers to be signed. There's no magic speedpass.

 

She's not passing on his rants at all to me. She just tells me when he harasses her or threatens me, not the specific context. I'm even keeled, but I dare not be led into retribution temptation. The only rough context I've gotten is that he occasionally lapses into reason and wonders what my "magic" is. No magic.

 

And, she's actually stated as such to me, about "taking her mind off things...", and being emotional support. I probably should just be that, instead of amateur lawyer. Know my role, as it were.

 

Emotional support-guy, check.

 

Legal team, leave it to the pros.

 

The interesting thing is that up until now, I resigned to the fact to being a confirmed bachelor. I had given up on the idea of a relationship entirely. This just sort of happened after over a decade of ostensibly single life. I had zero idea I even registered on her radar.

 

Thanks for the words!

[ktya]

The interesting thing is that up until now, I resigned to the fact to being a confirmed bachelor. I had given up on the idea of a relationship entirely. This just sort of happened after over a decade of ostensibly single life. I had zero idea I even registered on her radar.

 

Thanks for the words!

 

NP. Being a long time bachelor and having this known to the ex husband probably fuels his suspicion that you were moving in on her long before the marriage collapsed. I'm not aware of the nature of your relationship with either or both of them before when they were married but remember there is always a chance that in some of the battles between them in the final months its entirely plausible that your name came up somehow - especially if she was the one who reached out to you afterwards. I dont know the particulars nor the context, just take a birds eye look at your situation to determine if this is at all possible.

 

Also remember being a long time confirmed bachelor, she may have reached out to you on purpose and to use you in some way (money, emotional support, protection, a man to toss in the exes face in spite, etc.) and you will never know what her actual intent was when she did reach out to you and your relations moved into a different level. Maybe she actually loves you now, maybe she is just being pragmatic.

 

Tread carefully and try to hold off on getting too involved with her until the divorce is inked. Be a friend, a FWB, a guy shes "seeing". Stay away from the BF/GF thing with her for now.

[ktya]

I will further explain why I have such a strong opinion. It comes from experience.

 

I was dating a woman who said she was single and it turned out that she was actually married. I had no intention of dating a married woman and she gave me the backstory that he was abusive and that she had been trying to divorce him for over a year but he kept ripping up the papers.

 

Trying to be the nice guy, I got her and her kids out of the situation and had them temporarily move in with me. They had kids and I was not about to try to cut the man off from his own kids so he came over to the house periodically to see his kids and talk to his soon to be ex wife about the divorce.

 

I was caught in the middle of a wacky firestorm, she alleged he sexually assaulted her at the kids birthday party (put his hand up her skirt), the police got involved. Eventually she moved out into a place of her own and I helped her move. The guy wouldnt leave and started throwing rocks at her car so I (not dissimilar to the original question you were asking) told her she needed to call the police, this guy was acting zany.

 

I was trying to phase our relationship out and the guy and her were supposedly having crazy battles. He was coming over to see the kids and wouldnt leave, blabla.

 

Turns out she was banging both me and him at the same time. She actually proposed to me during this period, which I found bizarre and I didnt even respond to it. During some other oddity the STBXH turned himself in to the police station for what I dont know.

 

I was trying to get away from her and her dad was calling me threatening to kill me if I didnt stop calling her. I was already seeing another girl and completely in love. Told the dad to F-off and my new GF got on the phone and chewed him out.

 

Next thing I know the police are at my door alleging that I physically assaulted this woman and was harassing her. Luckily I was running my own business at the time and all my voicemails, emails, and phone logs were recorded by default so I had a hundred pages of emails and a whole CD-R of voicemails for them to review.

 

She then claimed she was pregnant and 9 months later filed for a restraining order against me and child support. I had to go and defend myself, in family court the paternity test is paid for by the putative father (Ie you have to pay for the test to prove your innocence from your accuser). I basically went for full custody myself because I knew this wasnt true. She freaked out in court and magically produced a DNA test showing the father was actually the husband.

 

By the time of the court case they were once again happily living together as a married couple, and the whole bizarre bullsh*t I went through turned out to be just one such blip in their mangled Jerry Springer-esque marriage.

 

What I learned from the episode? Do not get involved. You cannot help and you can only get burned. Let the marriage dissolve before you involve. People who are married with kids have very intertwined lives that you as an outsider cannot possibly hope to understand. Once the police get involved in a divorce, they can easily start getting used as weapons, even against you as the new boyfriend. DV allegations are a nightmare for a man to deal with, as is any allegation of abuse of kids. You have your own kids to worry about, you dont want to lose them.

 

So while I am not in the exact scenario you are in I do speak from experience. Hopefully this situation does not get nearly as mangled and bizarre as I had to deal with with your lady and her husband, that beast of a woman I had the misfortune to meet has got to be one of a kind.

[decom]

Agreed. We've been non-committed in shared resources. No common property, we live separate, etc.

 

It's not a major issue to just keep it at a lower level since there's zero shared resources.

[carhill]

OP, you stated that, while harassing the lady publicly, her estranged H repeatedly asked 'for your location'. What does that mean? I'm asking because you apparently have known both of them for a long time and it would follow that of course both of them would know where you live, right?

 

Overall, I think your handling of this situation has been prudent. If easy to do, I'd suggest securing your residence with some surveillance video; the system we use will stream motion detected by any of the cameras to a smartphone or web-enabled device so you can see what's going on even when not there.

 

I went through this once, a long time ago, long before the technology of today existed and the main solution was disconnection along with establishing a local kill zone (my property is large enough to do that) and using what surveillance technology that did exist to secure the premises. No personal threat was ever realized. I think the disconnection did the trick. Other targets presented themselves and I was forgotten.

 

As far as the rest of the relationship, your call. I'm sure the lady has family and more neutral friends she can rely on during this time. I understand, if her H is abusive or potentially violent and/or has a history of same, leaving him is one of the most dangerous times. If so, I can understand your instinct to protect. Weigh the consequences carefully. Good luck!

[preraph]

He's a stalker and they get the most violent when they know the woman is seeing someone else. I know a lot about this subject from years of self-study and keeping up with the latest on it, and I can tell you that there is a high probability he is dangerous not only to her but to you or anyone else who gets in his way.

 

The other thing I can tell you is unless he's stalking you or making threats to you, she is who needs to report it to police and whoever reports needs some texts, to keep a log of all drive-bys, calls, other harrassment, threats in order for them to issue a restraining order. Sounds like she's been letting him get away with it for a long time.

 

Now, it wouldn't hurt for you to call and talk to police and get their advice on the situation.

 

It's ridiculous of her to say she doesn't want to cross that line because of her child. A child doesn't need to be under the influence of a stalker parent and a mother needs to model for the child that you do NOT put up with this abusive behavior, so you go tell her that by refusing to do everything possible to end his behavior, she is teaching her son, who will model after the father, that it is normal to be like the father and she is teaching her daughter, who will model after her, that it is normal and acceptable to let a man bully and stalk and abuse you!!!! You could make a call to CPS as well if you think she is allowing him around abusing or fighting with her.

[Babolat]

Your situtation sounds a little more intense, severe than mine, though maybe my post will help you:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/473637-how-manage-when-your-partners-ex-stalking-them

[Babolat]

If you intend to remain involved with her, you may want to become uninvolved with her ex husband and the divorce. Be a shoulder for her to cry on, an ear to listen, but refrain from offering any advice or being anything other than a passive recipient there to support her emotionally and you may want to have a discussion with her that given recent events this is your new stance. That you will listen but not discuss the topic of her ex or the divorce, police.

 

While this is a major situation in her life one way you can help her best is by being the guy who takes her mind off of it.

 

Given that they have kids she will have a relationship with this man probably for the rest of her life in some shape or form. She knows him best. Let her deal with him. If she needs advice suggest professionals (counsellors, lawyers) and family (mother, sister, aunt) and friends but you need to keep out of it.

 

I like this advice, though in some ways I do not. In my current situation when she initially started to share details about "him", I asked her to stop as I don't want the details, I don't want to be the shoulder to cry on. She has done an amazing job since I said this in keeping this part of her life seperate from an "us". I will be here for her to talk, but I don't care to know the details of thier past relationship or the details of her current stuff with him. I just need to know what pertains to me, to us.

[Babolat]

I caution you to be careful with this way of thinking. You are kind of sort of, blaming her. Take full ownership for your actions and behaviors; you knew what you were getting into.

[Babolat]

I will further explain why I have such a strong opinion. It comes from experience.

 

I was dating a woman who said she was single and it turned out that she was actually married. I had no intention of dating a married woman and she gave me the backstory that he was abusive and that she had been trying to divorce him for over a year but he kept ripping up the papers.

 

Trying to be the nice guy, I got her and her kids out of the situation and had them temporarily move in with me. They had kids and I was not about to try to cut the man off from his own kids so he came over to the house periodically to see his kids and talk to his soon to be ex wife about the divorce.

 

I was caught in the middle of a wacky firestorm, she alleged he sexually assaulted her at the kids birthday party (put his hand up her skirt), the police got involved. Eventually she moved out into a place of her own and I helped her move. The guy wouldnt leave and started throwing rocks at her car so I (not dissimilar to the original question you were asking) told her she needed to call the police, this guy was acting zany.

 

I was trying to phase our relationship out and the guy and her were supposedly having crazy battles. He was coming over to see the kids and wouldnt leave, blabla.

 

Turns out she was banging both me and him at the same time. She actually proposed to me during this period, which I found bizarre and I didnt even respond to it. During some other oddity the STBXH turned himself in to the police station for what I dont know.

 

I was trying to get away from her and her dad was calling me threatening to kill me if I didnt stop calling her. I was already seeing another girl and completely in love. Told the dad to F-off and my new GF got on the phone and chewed him out.

 

Next thing I know the police are at my door alleging that I physically assaulted this woman and was harassing her. Luckily I was running my own business at the time and all my voicemails, emails, and phone logs were recorded by default so I had a hundred pages of emails and a whole CD-R of voicemails for them to review.

 

She then claimed she was pregnant and 9 months later filed for a restraining order against me and child support. I had to go and defend myself, in family court the paternity test is paid for by the putative father (Ie you have to pay for the test to prove your innocence from your accuser). I basically went for full custody myself because I knew this wasnt true. She freaked out in court and magically produced a DNA test showing the father was actually the husband.

 

By the time of the court case they were once again happily living together as a married couple, and the whole bizarre bullsh*t I went through turned out to be just one such blip in their mangled Jerry Springer-esque marriage.

 

What I learned from the episode? Do not get involved. You cannot help and you can only get burned. Let the marriage dissolve before you involve. People who are married with kids have very intertwined lives that you as an outsider cannot possibly hope to understand. Once the police get involved in a divorce, they can easily start getting used as weapons, even against you as the new boyfriend. DV allegations are a nightmare for a man to deal with, as is any allegation of abuse of kids. You have your own kids to worry about, you dont want to lose them.

 

So while I am not in the exact scenario you are in I do speak from experience. Hopefully this situation does not get nearly as mangled and bizarre as I had to deal with with your lady and her husband, that beast of a woman I had the misfortune to meet has got to be one of a kind.

Holy crap, you DO speak from experience! Sorry you had to go through all of this. Thus why I will never never never even date a seperated woman.

 

Funny nobody ever asks to see "the divorce papers" though, myself included.

[decom]

Thanks all for the input. I'm leaning towards keeping it more emotional and less "coaching". I think that might set him off. It's an instinct of mine, I tend to "teach".

 

Carhill: He knows where I live. However, I'm usually not home due to work commitments, and also (coincidentally - no relation to the situation) I'm house-sitting for a friend. Weird, but it worked out. My vehicle was damaged and then the next day I began a house-sitting stint, which conveniently enough involved a higher-security walled community.

 

The interesting thing was that basically everything was just so. We were discreet, we only met at night or during the day in far locations. But then one f--- up and it was all over.

 

Now, he's been making threats about me to her, but not directly to me. Simply because he's blocked on my end.

 

As for property security, discussed with my landlord, he wants to put a system in place, so that will be done.

[decom]

Yes. I could have said "No". But fact is, I was pretty down about my lot in life in terms of relationships, so I fell into it. I take full ownership of it, including my state when it all started.

 

I like the general advice here, which doesn't involve total shutting out, but just a change of things until her situation is regularized.

[Babolat]

Thanks all for the input. I'm leaning towards keeping it more emotional and less "coaching". I think that might set him off. It's an instinct of mine, I tend to "teach". .

Be careful, again, as you sound like me, a "fixer" really. I have recognized this and work hard at not being one now.

[decom]

Fixer. Yeah, to a T!

 

If people have problems in my circle (friends and otherwise) I tend to be the first one they call. I don't mind it on a practical level, but this specific situation definitely got way complicated in a hurry.

[ktya]

I am weak to being a "fixer". I have three rules I try to follow to keep me from falling down that rabbit hole.

 

1. Not my problem

2. It costs money

3. No a**holes

 

I think your situation breaks all three of these rules. Her divorce is her problem, you have been helping her out with money and the ex-husband is an a**hole.

 

Tread carefully

[decom]

I've been circumspect with the money. One week I bought groceries, more for her kid than for her. I have zero contact with her kid, but I figured it would help. I also put gas in her car once. Not factoring in miscellaneous stuff like "Hey, I got dinner tonight...".

 

I haven't had any real reason to spend more. I haven't assisted with capital purchases or large operational expenses, to put it in the terms of business. I haven't paid her rent, etc...

 

That being said, she's never asked for finances. So I think I can cut that part down without much trouble.

[ktya]

2. It costs money

 

Groceries, putting gas in her car. It costs money.

[decom]

As a backgrounder, this marriage started as an "immigration" marriage. They were casually dating and his visa was about to expire, so she gave in and helped him out. It went past the required time period of togetherness to get the green card and became years of a marriage of quiet desperation. Unfortunately a child is involved now.

 

But yes, not my problem, the actual proceedings. I look back at a lot of her statements, and I think she'd actually be on board with you guys, there's so many times she told me, "Don't worry about it...it's not your fight..."

[decom]

Groceries, putting gas in her car. It costs money.

 

OK, you got me there!

 

Technically it is.

[ktya]

she told me, "Don't worry about it...it's not your fight..."

 

She's right. It's not your fight. It's not your problem that she married a guy to help him out to get a green card. The fact that he's not paying child support yet probably is also not your problem because it's not your kid. To boot the guy is an a**hole and you are trying to be the hero and help her deal with him - and it's cost you your car being keyed so far and for all you know he may show up at your door and knock your lights out.

 

The fact of the matter is. Its her fault for marrying some guy to help him get a green card, a guy who is an a**hole with violent tendencies. It's her fault for opting to have a kid with a guy in what you describe as a quietly desperate marriage. It's her fault for not moving more swiftly to secure child support at minimum, if not alimony (if she isnt getting it which is why you are helping with groceries and gas) or for marrying a guy who is supposed to pay it but isnt.

 

It is your fault for getting involved that you got your car keyed. And it will be your fault if he comes to your house and assaults you, also for getting involved with a recently divorced woman having a problematic divorce.

 

I understand where your coming from. You were unhappy with your lot in life with regards to relationships. You were single for a decade and are looking after your kids without a mum figure around. Then this siren comes calling and you hope that maybe things will change.

 

Unfortunately, as you are now seeing, things likely will change. You will need to install security cameras on your door in case this wackjob comes by to punch your lights out, rekey your car or slash your tires. You will need to look over your shoulder in case the guy is scoping out you or your house. Your magic relationship with this woman needs to take place over encrypted channels. You are taking different vehicles and routes to work and to her house to see her.

 

Is that how you want to live, for some action and a damsel in distress? In exchange for finally getting a girlfriend? If you are looking to change your lifestyle to include a woman, you could likely hit up Tinder, POF, or OKC and find a single mom without all of these troubles looking for a partner in life pretty quick. You'll have to filter through to weed out the crazies, but at least you wont have someone keying your car and threatening to assault you. You can even filter out separated, divorced women to reduce the risk.

 

Just my two bits. I'm sure this girl is great, but is she really worth all of this hassle? I'd say casually date her as a FWB and keep at arms length. She's not ready for any kind of a new relationship right now. She has too much going on. I dated a girl in a similar situation in January, and I witnessed some seriously bizarre meltdowns... in bed... naked... seconds before sex... in the middle of the night... lol

[decom]

For once I use the internet for something useful rather than business and or entertainment. I'm glad there's still a pseudonymous way of getting advice on this sort of thing.

 

You guys are right, I really could have said no, or at least just kept it at being a friend and offering support in concert with her other friends who are offering support.

 

I can pause and scale back a bit till the dust settles. Not that it will take the heat off of me, but it'll give everyone some breathing room. The spy novel routines are getting old, anyway.