What have you learned from your break up that will make your next relationship better

April 28, 2014

I need to know that I have not been through this heartache for nothing, that I will learn from it. I'm also keen to learn from others.

My lessons learned: and apologies but this is from a girl to boy point of view, I apologise to any men, no offence intended by any male generalisations but your opinion would be VERY valued

1. If they won't talk about a future together, and you're beyond your teens, ask yourself why

2. if its long or medium distance and you talk about move to be with them and they aren't responding with excitment, ask yourself why (and ask them?)

3. don't make yourself available all the time

4. dont cancel other plans to be with them.

don't ever act needy. If you feel needy, back off, keep busy and distract yourself. It repels men.

5. don't ever drop your friends for your partner. Or your pets!

6. Men need to feel that they are doing things for you. They like to DO and FIX things. Even the most independant woman has to learn to accept this. Even if they expect you to be independant when they're not around, they will expect you to turn into a dependant female the minute THEY are there to do things for you.

7. No contact is NOT being rude to someone after they have dumped you. It allows you to stop yourself digging a even deeper hole. It gives you dignity. Women's nature is NOT to ignore people and this is why we find it really really hard.

8. They can't miss you if you are still there

9. Break the addiction to him and they see if you still feel the same sense of loss - was it a habit or was he really 'the one'?

10. By all means, daydream, it never hurt anyone. BUT before you go all out to get him back, be really really sure that it will be different this time, and that he is worth fighting for. If I love someone, I don't drop them at the first sign of trouble. Do I really want someone who can only offer me that sort of love?

11. Talk to your friends and when they are fed up hearing about it, talk to us here! If you need help with decisions, ASK your friends - get a RATIONAL opinion. you are NOT being rational.

12. Avoid spending prolonged periods on your own. This is when the demons set in!!

13. If your relationship is in trouble - BACK Off for a while and have a cooling down period.

14. NEVER EVER EVER conduct either a relationship or a break up by TEXT, EMAIL etc.

13...??

April 28, 2014

Funny I thought about posting the same question

#1 - Preserve my boundaries. I spent time with him sometimes when I actually wanted to go to my house and relax alone. I suppose I came out as needy.

#2 - Pay attention to the red flags and not ignore them.

#3 - Let some time pass between his texts and mine. I know it's playing a game, but I believe I was a bit too eager. Which is fine, however, I won't show it as much.

I think that's pretty much it. Preserving my own boundaries being the big one.

April 28, 2014

11. talk to us here!

Definitely

12. Avoid spending prolonged periods on your own. This is when the demons set in!!
?

I like spending time alone. It's how I was before, how I want to be now. I do spend time with my friends but sometimes I need the Saturday to myself.

April 28, 2014

I think the problem is, is we're all looking at it as if it was our fault. It takes two to make a relationship work, just because you're the dumpee doesn't mean everything you did was wrong, you are who you are, can't change the big things, only the little ones.

April 28, 2014

First one that came to mind was to listen for subtleties, e.g., take hints. Also, unless I am 100% sure what my partner is talking about I will ask for clarification.

It's amazing how much she came to resent me for thinking that I didn't care about her when the truth was that I rarely took her statements at anything other than face value, which is how I communicate.

So I guess to sum it up:

Communicate

April 28, 2014

From a men perspective after my last 2 relationships

#1 If you need councelling go get it period. I did anger management and I'm seeing a psychologist every 2 weeks.

#2 Don't put your life on hold for anyone else. I detached myself from friends and family with my previous relationship

#3 Redflags...never ignoring them again

#4 Communication and respecting each others

#5 Never accepting to be left in a grey zone of a relationship. Either out or all in (this is what got me and even today it hurts)

#6 Accepting that sometimes...things arent meant to be

April 28, 2014

I think the problem is, is we're all looking at it as if it was our fault. It takes two to make a relationship work, just because you're the dumpee doesn't mean everything you did was wrong, you are who you are, can't change the big things, only the little ones.

I can't change him. Not everything was wrong, but I can only change what I own. I do have my part in the break up, I want to recognize it.

I know what you're saying, I hope you don't think I am attacking your point of view.

April 28, 2014

It's amazing how much she came to resent me for thinking that I didn't care about her when the truth was that I rarely took her statements at anything other than face value, which is how I communicate.

I think this is the same all over. Men say what the mean, Woman say something and mean something completely different.

Men are from Mars and all that...

April 28, 2014

I can't change him. Not everything was wrong, but I can only change what I own. I do have my part in the break up, I want to recognize it.

I know what you're saying, I hope you don't think I am attacking your point of view.

Definitely not I agree with what you said, I'm trying to better myself too, but if the other half isn't prepared to recognise their own short comings then changing only yourself would never work in the long run.

I'm sick of beating myself up for being me and trying to do my best, sure I have faults, but so did my ex, why should I accept all the blame

April 28, 2014

I believe I own most of the reasons for my break up. Not all of them, but most. All I can do is live and learn.

April 28, 2014

I like this post, it's a really constructive way to build on yourself. What I would say is that whilst it's important to understand lessons you need to learn, it's just as important to know that (particularly if you were left in what you thought was a great relationship) it's not your fault. If you can truly look inside and say that you cherished them, loved them deeply...then don't you worry. You did good.

*1 - Always talk to your partner about things that concern you. Open communication, even when the conversation is tough is very important. Especially if you're unhappy with your partner's actions

*2 - You deserve someone who gives you what you give them. Never settle for a relationship that's one sided. Love is not a one-way street.

*3 - Don't compromise who you are for your partner. It's absolutely right to reach middle grounds, to do things on common ground together, but accept that you and your partner are individuals with your own preferences. Don't give those up or hold your partner to fault because of them.

April 28, 2014

If you can truly look inside and say that you cherished them, loved them deeply...then don't you worry. You did good.

Jiivy, everything you said resonated with me, but this especially.

April 28, 2014

Jiivy, everything you said resonated with me, but this especially.

Me too, doesn't make it any easier though I could understand if I was a horrible partner, but when you've tried your best and always tried to do what you thought was right, its like a kick in the gut.

April 28, 2014

My ex was not a horrible person, really, just really messed up, and extremely self centred (maybe that is horrible?). I was trying to 'fix him' but he didn't think anything was wrong. Ok, he ignored me then dumped me by text. Oh....ah, right, yes, he was horrible!

Believe me, I know all his faults, I set them out for him IN DETAIL and AT LENGTH! But he took the time to reply to me and also set out what had been the issues for him in the relationship, that I would have been ignorant of for probably years. Although his jealous kid was the catalyst for our break up, apparently there were other issues I had missed with my rosey tinted specs on.

BUT I want to break my pattern of unsuccessful dating and be one half of a smug happy couple!!! SO i'm not too big to say 'I can do better'.

Shame I can't add to my original post, would love to build up the list in my first post, I did say 'oooh yes' when I read a few of them!

Edited April 28, 2014 by Summerrose2013

April 28, 2014

But he took the time to reply to me and also set out what had been the issues in the relationship, that I would have been ignorant of for probably years.

Yes ignorant because it appears these "dumpers" don't feel the need to raise these issues in an adult manner at the time when it first starts bothering them, just build them up in to one large pile until they say, "i've had enough, its over" and you didn't even know there was an issue.

Who is at fault? Some people need to learn to say what they're feeling and not just bottle it up, I really feel some relationships could be saved if people said how they felt at the time.

April 28, 2014

I always find myself second-guessing whether I really gave enough, if it was something I did in some way. My ex told me that we were too dependent on each other, but we survived 6 years long distance, I survived homelessness and joblessness, abandonment from my family and all the shame that came with it...and the more I think about it, the more I realize that perhaps she was too dependent on me. She never put her foot forward unless I held her hand and kept her in balance.

It makes me really angry that she got so under my skin about this, made me feel inadequate about myself. What's worse is that when she left me, I even agreed that she was probably right.

But then I think about all I gave her. After 7 years, I would still lie down next to her and (although I'm not religious) thank GOD that he gave me her. I looked at her after so many years and thought, "Cherish this woman. Don't take her for granted."

...and I know that if I could keep that kind of affection after so many years, then I was far from a bad partner. In fact, I can't wait for the day I find a woman who finally thinks that about me too.

Edited April 28, 2014 by Jiivy

April 28, 2014

"Fixing" oneself leads us dumpees to believing that we were at total fault in some way. Fixing yourself would mean "changing yourself for someone else", no? I know it's natural to think as dumpees that we were left based on our shortcomings. Have we thought to look at the dumpers? I'm sure we realize how imperfect they were as well.

The fact that THEY left us, is probably the biggest shortcoming of all. Things got rough, and they bailed. Relationships are about love, acceptance and mistakes, in fact that's what life in general is about.

So I'm not tying to sound self centered or ignore my mistakes, but dammit we already have this negative cloud that hangs over us about why it didn't work, but get this - WE didn't leave... WE were willing to make it work. That is the best trait to have when you're with someone, commitment - through the good and bad.

However, the one thing I'm working on is looking for the red flags when they arise... And not ignoring them.

April 28, 2014

The fact that THEY left us, is probably the biggest shortcoming of all. Things got rough, and they bailed. Relationships are about love, acceptance and mistakes, in fact that's what life in general is about.

Amazing. Really.

As long as you aren't a total idiot like physically abusive, alcoholic or a long list of other things you couldn't expect people to put up with.

Some people just have no staying power and again I think it comes to... "the grass is greener"

I'm in such a better situation now, financially, freedom-wise and more, but I knuckled down, committed to a more difficult life but did so because I enjoyed the rewards it brought, even the tiny ones... I could of been single and "better off" in so many ways for all these years, but I chose commitment for the one I love... look where it got us :/

April 28, 2014

I think the problem is, is we're all looking at it as if it was our fault. It takes two to make a relationship work, just because you're the dumpee doesn't mean everything you did was wrong, you are who you are, can't change the big things, only the little ones.

My process really began when I looked at myself. Yes, my ex did some things that were pretty bad, but it begs the question of WHY I stayed and persisted in trying to make it work. It always takes two to make these dysfunctional dynamics work. I almost think that was the worst part to accept. That I had been complicit is setting myself up for a big fall.

April 28, 2014

"Fixing" oneself leads us dumpees to believing that we were at total fault in some way. Fixing yourself would mean "changing yourself for someone else", no? I know it's natural to think as dumpees that we were left based on our shortcomings. Have we thought to look at the dumpers? I'm sure we realize how imperfect they were as well.

The fact that THEY left us, is probably the biggest shortcoming of all. Things got rough, and they bailed. Relationships are about love, acceptance and mistakes, in fact that's what life in general is about.

So I'm not tying to sound self centered or ignore my mistakes, but dammit we already have this negative cloud that hangs over us about why it didn't work, but get this - WE didn't leave... WE were willing to make it work. That is the best trait to have when you're with someone, commitment - through the good and bad.

However, the one thing I'm working on is looking for the red flags when they arise... And not ignoring them.

I was at fault too. It doesn't mean that I don't have a lot to offer. I do. However, I learn from my mistakes.

I know he made mistakes too, but I don't have the power to change that. May the next love in my life thank him for setting me free, maybe? I don't know.

April 28, 2014

From a men perspective after my last 2 relationships

#2 Don't put your life on hold for anyone else. I detached myself from friends and family with my previous relationship

I don't believe in the "meant to be" concept, however, I do agree... setting boundaries and not cancelling plans was one of my mistakes.

April 28, 2014

I don't believe in the "meant to be" concept, however, I do agree... setting boundaries and not cancelling plans was one of my mistakes.

I gave so much in the name of being a good girlfriend. I lost myself in there somewhere. It went beyond compromise. The really bad thing is that I did it all of my own volition. He never asked me to, but he did make me feel under valued if I disagreed or wanted to do something else. No one can win, and it's an impossible situation.

He would insinuate that my opinion was in some way less valid, but he wanted me to speak my mind. How could I win? I could have walked away, and I should have.

April 28, 2014

I gave so much in the name of being a good girlfriend. I lost myself in there somewhere. It went beyond compromise. The really bad thing is that I did it all of my own volition. He never asked me to, but he did make me feel under valued if I disagreed or wanted to do something else. No one can win, and it's an impossible situation.

He would insinuate that my opinion was in some way less valid, but he wanted me to speak my mind. How could I win? I could have walked away, and I should have.

Don't beat yourself up. Just learn from it. If he insinuated that your opinion was less valid than his, you're better off finding someone else. I know it's easier said than done.

April 28, 2014

Shaky evening for me. Suddenly thought of something we did on our last good day. It was his birthday. I'd gone all out to make it special for him. I was so happy that day. Cue tears... (-:

Wrote a brief friendly reply to his last email (which is so far unanswered) to show I'm all chatty lala I'm over you then praise the Lord had the fortitude to save as draft. Finger hovered over the send button.

Why should I let him off the hook and think I'm ok.

How will I ever know if he'll double email me if I reply.

Then, logged on my online dating and accepted a coffee date with a guy who I'd been corresponding with! Referred to MY LEARNING CURVE and then logged off and won't reply for a couple of days again now. Well I'm a busy woman. Never going to make the mistake of being too available again.

So glad I held out NC phew. Or right now I'd be sitting here thinking has he read it, will he reply, what will he think of it. Back to square one.

Instead I'm thinking he ain't worth it and what shall I wear on my coffee date.

Big gold star for me.....just....and YOU GUYS KEPT ME STRONG. honestly I knew I'd get such an ass kicking from here if I broke NC lol!

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What have you learned from your break up that will make your next relationship better

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