Lying about past AGAIN_scared I will not be able to trust her!

[johndoe13]

Hi I've poste here befored.

 

Basically I've had a hard time trusting my girlfriend of almost two years which whom I've already bought a house with. She has a past i'm not proud of and it actually scares me (rotating men, one nights, casual sex, met many men at gym, flirty, low self-esteem about her appearance and not assertive with other people with me she is).

 

Basically I snooped at her office computer (1st time I snoop in her office computer) and found several e-mails that suggests that she had been seeing a married guy for a couple of months before she met me. This guy even suggested they meet when we were dating and she told him she couldn't at several of his attemts, she then told him no because she was seeing someone.

 

In another e-mail sent 3 weeks before she met me and from a different account and to different person she tells someone she has been seeing someone but nothing serious will come out of it.

 

I know that 1. She has seen a married man before

2. She did see someone right before she met me 3. She has had more than 20 partners.

 

I told her last week that me an my buddies were talking about people that have affairs (never had that discussion with my friends) with married people and what was her take on the subject. I asked her is she ever had such an experience...she lied to me and said never...I was crushed that she lied to my face.

 

 

Yesterday we had an argument and she told me that I must let go of her past. I told her that I did not care about her past anymore but what I care about is that you are honest when I ask you something.

 

She started telling me again (lied when I first brought up the discussion about sexual history 5 months into the relationship) that she has only been with about 15 men (I'm 100% certain this is false), + she added a new lie that she had not had any sex or fling 7 months prior to meeting me or after.

 

I told her that I did not believe her and admitted to her that I snooped at her e-mail once and found an e-mail that she sent to an ex stating she was seeing someone a month prior to meeting me (probably a married guy)! She did not admit to her lie. I broke down because she had a chance to come clean and did not take it.

 

I'm really confused and hurt; I thinking of therapy for both or ending it!

Edited April 28, 2014 by johndoe13

[saltyfishhead666]

Hi I've poste here befored.

 

Basically I've had a hard time trusting my girlfriend of almost two years which whom I've already bought a house with. She has a past i'm not proud of and it actually scares me (rotating men, one nights, casual sex, met many men at gym, flirty, low self-esteem about her appearance and not assertive with other people with me she is).

 

Basically I snooped at her office computer (1st time I snoop in her office computer) and found several e-mails that suggests that she had been seeing a married guy for a couple of months before she met me. This guy even suggested they meet when we were dating and she told him she couldn't at several of his attemts, she then told him no because she was seeing someone.

 

In another e-mail sent 3 weeks before she met me and from a different account and to different person she tells someone she has been seeing someone but nothing serious will come out of it.

 

I know that 1. She has seen a married man before

2. She did see someone right before she met me 3. She has had more than 20 partners.

 

I told her last week that me an my buddies were talking about people that have affairs (never had that discussion with my friends) with married people and what was her take on the subject. I asked her is she ever had such an experience...she lied to me and said never...I was crushed that she lied to my face.

 

 

Yesterday we had an argument and she told me that I must let go of her past. I told her that I did not care about her past anymore but what I care about is that you are honest when I ask you something.

 

She started telling me again (lied when I first brought up the discussion about sexual history 5 months into the relationship) that she has only been with about 15 men (I'm 100% certain this is false), + she added a new lie that she had not had any sex or fling 7 months prior to meeting me or after.

 

I told her that I did not believe her and admitted to her that I snooped at her e-mail once and found an e-mail that she sent to an ex stating she was seeing someone a month prior to meeting me (probably a married guy)! She did not admit to her lie. I broke down because she had a chance to come clean and did not take it.

 

I'm really confused and hurt; I thinking of therapy for both or ending it!

 

 

Her sexual past doesn't impress you, we see that. But what it is is past.

 

You have no right snooping through her things and then making up conversations to catch her out in lies.

 

Maybe she's not proud of her past, maybe she's not proud of seeing a married man. I wouldn't be.

 

Leave it alone - it is the past!!! Unless she is running around on you what do you care?

[jonsnuh]

I would end it if I were you OP.

 

Your snooping demonstrates a lack of trust from you. If it's happening at this early of the relationship, you'll be working on shaky ground.

 

She might not be proud of her past, but covering one lie after another isn't something I'd like in a potential partner and especially not in a current partner.

 

If there is a second chance, it must be done with cooler heads and without this toxicity.

[Mrin]

Ya I kinda have to say that the problem here might be with you and not just her.

 

You: everyone had a past and I believe you have a right to keep your past secret. She is under no obligation to share it with you. If she does - cool. She may have a very good reason for denying the married guy. Perhaps they made a pact never to speak of it. Perhaps she is riddled with guilt. She owes you nothing when it comes to divulging anything about her past unless it is health or legal related as that might impact you. You were 100% wrong to go snooping and 100% to orchestrate that conversation. You have trust and boundary issues you need to resolve. I don't mean that in a harsh way but you do. I would consider seeking therapy both alone and as a couple to work through this. If you can't get past her number or her past, then you need to do yourself both a favor and move on.

 

Her: there are some yellow flags here in her past - mainly to do with the married guy and her low self esteem. You didn't do her any favors on her self esteem by the way. Probably tainted the one person or relationship where she didn't feel judged. But if she hasn't exhibited any behavior to make you think she is lapsing into past behavior then they are just that - yellow flags that fade with time.

 

I think you owe her a sincere apology and an offer to go seek help with a couples counselor to work through this issue.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

So u have a girl that has not cheated, u even have proof if this and yet u are willing to wreck a relationship over stuff that happened before u.. u are going to lose her. She is clearly embarrassed of her past, I have things Im embarrassed about and u seem to be intent on humiliating her

[KathyM]

So, she lies to you, was very promiscuous before meeting you, had an affair with a married man right before meeting you, and continued to talk to him while dating you. Doesn't sound like a good candidate for a lasting relationship IMO, or someone who is trustworthy.

[soccerrprp]

Hi I've poste here befored.

 

Basically I've had a hard time trusting my girlfriend of almost two years which whom I've already bought a house with. She has a past i'm not proud of and it actually scares me (rotating men, one nights, casual sex, met many men at gym, flirty, low self-esteem about her appearance and not assertive with other people with me she is).

 

Basically I snooped at her office computer (1st time I snoop in her office computer) and found several e-mails that suggests that she had been seeing a married guy for a couple of months before she met me. This guy even suggested they meet when we were dating and she told him she couldn't at several of his attemts, she then told him no because she was seeing someone.

 

In another e-mail sent 3 weeks before she met me and from a different account and to different person she tells someone she has been seeing someone but nothing serious will come out of it.

 

I know that 1. She has seen a married man before

2. She did see someone right before she met me 3. She has had more than 20 partners.

 

I told her last week that me an my buddies were talking about people that have affairs (never had that discussion with my friends) with married people and what was her take on the subject. I asked her is she ever had such an experience...she lied to me and said never...I was crushed that she lied to my face.

 

 

Yesterday we had an argument and she told me that I must let go of her past. I told her that I did not care about her past anymore but what I care about is that you are honest when I ask you something.

 

She started telling me again (lied when I first brought up the discussion about sexual history 5 months into the relationship) that she has only been with about 15 men (I'm 100% certain this is false), + she added a new lie that she had not had any sex or fling 7 months prior to meeting me or after.

 

I told her that I did not believe her and admitted to her that I snooped at her e-mail once and found an e-mail that she sent to an ex stating she was seeing someone a month prior to meeting me (probably a married guy)! She did not admit to her lie. I broke down because she had a chance to come clean and did not take it.

 

I'm really confused and hurt; I thinking of therapy for both or ending it!

 

Nope. She is not going to change her ways. I don't see it. Even given the chance to come clean, she chose to lie. I would never tolerate such. No way.

 

Don't allow yourself to be mowed over by emotions, so-called "love." Think clearly. I love my gf very much, but will drop her if I found out she ever had any communication with an ex or another man behind my back. No need to have a discussion as she knows very clearly what my expectations are. For her to communicate behind your back with this guy is a bad sign. Granted, she did reject him, but she still has his email. She could block his emails and/or you could help her.

 

Nope. I would be too suspicious that this is a pattern or way of life with her and I couldn't trust her. If I can't trust, I will not continue with the relationship.

 

Good luck.

[johndoe13]

I understand my snooping is really bad. And I am seriously considering bringing everything into the open and deal with the consequences!

 

I think eventhough the past is the past is not be relevant; a good relationship should not be based on lies or omitting information or feel the need to seek it! Acceptance is a must when you love but to accept the truth, the truth has to be told.

 

I have dug

so

much information because things did not add up. Trust me I wish I would not be in this position.

[ktya]

Hi I've poste here befored.

 

Basically I've had a hard time trusting my girlfriend of almost two years which whom I've already bought a house with. She has a past i'm not proud of and it actually scares me (rotating men, one nights, casual sex, met many men at gym, flirty, low self-esteem about her appearance and not assertive with other people with me she is).

 

Basically I snooped at her office computer (1st time I snoop in her office computer) and found several e-mails that suggests that she had been seeing a married guy for a couple of months before she met me. This guy even suggested they meet when we were dating and she told him she couldn't at several of his attemts, she then told him no because she was seeing someone.

 

In another e-mail sent 3 weeks before she met me and from a different account and to different person she tells someone she has been seeing someone but nothing serious will come out of it.

 

I know that 1. She has seen a married man before

2. She did see someone right before she met me 3. She has had more than 20 partners.

 

I told her last week that me an my buddies were talking about people that have affairs (never had that discussion with my friends) with married people and what was her take on the subject. I asked her is she ever had such an experience...she lied to me and said never...I was crushed that she lied to my face.

 

 

Yesterday we had an argument and she told me that I must let go of her past. I told her that I did not care about her past anymore but what I care about is that you are honest when I ask you something.

 

She started telling me again (lied when I first brought up the discussion about sexual history 5 months into the relationship) that she has only been with about 15 men (I'm 100% certain this is false), + she added a new lie that she had not had any sex or fling 7 months prior to meeting me or after.

 

I told her that I did not believe her and admitted to her that I snooped at her e-mail once and found an e-mail that she sent to an ex stating she was seeing someone a month prior to meeting me (probably a married guy)! She did not admit to her lie. I broke down because she had a chance to come clean and did not take it.

 

I'm really confused and hurt; I thinking of therapy for both or ending it!

 

Not to be mean here, but you are the one who needs therapy. You are lucky that this woman hasnt dumped you. Between interrogating her about her past, snooping on her computer, and this obsession with crap that happened over 2 years ago, your lucky she doesnt just sign the mortgage on the house over to you and walk.

 

The woman rejected the guys repeated advances when she was with you. Bought a house with you. Obviously is living with you. That's taking your relationship very seriously on her part.

 

Keep on like this and you're going to be single pretty quick.

[d0nnivain]

Why the heck did you buy a house with this woman? If you can't afford to buy her out or the bank doesn't approve you only on the mortgage how do you think you are going to get away from her without destroying your credit rating?

[Babolat]

Not to be mean here, but you are the one who needs therapy. You are lucky that this woman hasnt dumped you. Between interrogating her about her past, snooping on her computer, and this obsession with crap that happened over 2 years ago, your lucky she doesnt just sign the mortgage on the house over to you and walk.

 

The woman rejected the guys repeated advances when she was with you. Bought a house with you. Obviously is living with you. That's taking your relationship very seriously on her part.

 

Keep on like this and you're going to be single pretty quick.

 

Yeah, I feel the same way. And then the pretend, and OP I'm pretty sure it was pretend, "I talked to my buddies about this. what do you think" as a way to get her to talk about something, is just wrong. "I told her last week that me an my buddies were talking about people that have affairs (never had that discussion with my friends) with married people and what was her take on the subject"

 

I'm not suggesting she is a great catch, I don't know her. What you have presented seems more like retroactive jealously, deception, snooping and issues YOU have.

[GemmaUK]

I think you should bring it all out into the open.

 

After all, you're going to dump her anyway I am guessing whenever you manage to force her to admit (heck I would just admit for an easy life whether it were true or not! ).

(Course, if you think she has lied then it could only be to you and not little likes to persistent saying she was 'sort of' seeing someone to get them off her case.)

I mean you wouldn't be doing all this and causing rage in yourself if you weren't going to dump her right?

That would be an illogical waste of energy if there wasn't to be some dramatic finale to it all.

 

So you may as well just do it and get an appointment sorted with your solicitor and estate agent and get that house on the market.

 

I vote for just get it all over with asap and find someone new.

[johndoe13]

Ok I told her everything. That I snooped at her facebook, e-mail, and phone. I told her that I wanted to start fresh or end it if we can't be honest with each other. She told me to get it all out in the open and ask her any questions I have. She told me she left her office laptop at the office to delete things because I told her if I could look at her e-mails several days ago. I asked her what her relationship with xxx was and I knew he was married. She said they were friends...had kissed in college...and then met up for coffee several times (but he was always after her) she never admitted to it eventhough I saw an e-mail where she writes to him that they should have never started what they did in the first place (after he tells her he misses the smell of her body)...then a thred of e-mails between them meeting up at her house after work...

 

Anyways I told her about my snooping.

 

I told her everything I knew.

 

Seems like she is honest with what she says except with the married man thing...

[GoreSP]

Ok I told her everything. That I snooped at her facebook, e-mail, and phone. I told her that I wanted to start fresh or end it if we can't be honest with each other. She told me to get it all out in the open and ask her any questions I have. She told me she left her office laptop at the office to delete things because I told her if I could look at her e-mails several days ago. I asked her what her relationship with xxx was and I knew he was married. She said they were friends...had kissed in college...and then met up for coffee several times (but he was always after her) she never admitted to it eventhough I saw an e-mail where she writes to him that they should have never started what they did in the first place (after he tells her he misses the smell of her body)...then a thred of e-mails between them meeting up at her house after work...

 

Anyways I told her about my snooping.

 

I told her everything I knew.

 

Seems like she is honest with what she says except with the married man thing...

 

What is your evidence concerning the affair with the married man? According to your first post, you found emails that suggest an affair - not confirm it...

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

And you saw evidence that she told him she would not meet him and was seeing you now. Well atleast she has explained herself for something that was really none of your business and done nothing wrong within your relationship. Cant say the same about you... she wont forget u snooped

[HappyLove]

Everyone is beating up on OP but I get why youre so upset. If she can't come clean with evidence thrown in her face then what's to stop her from doing the same to OP and very easily lying about it! How can you ever trust a liar?! Stupid of you to buy a house with a girlfriend OP.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Because we all have a past and he snooped, okay so he had concerns and he checked it out but he saw nothing to conclude she was cheating infact he saw evidence to show she has refused to meet the guy and told him about him... thats the best thing anyone can possibly see. He should have taken that as confirmation she wouldnt cheat and be happy with it but no he manipulates her with specific questions to lead her into a trap regarding things that happened long before he met her x

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

She's best off leaving u mate because u are one of those that will never ever let anything go. U have already shown u will drag the past up and I would bet my life there is atleast one thing u wouldnt tell her about your past!

[MadJackBird]

Run do not walk from this person.

 

I don't agree with everyone placing the blame on you and your snooping. I believe in open and honesty in a relationship. I spent 13 years being married to someone that hid her past from me and guess what she hid her multiple adulteries from me in my marriage too. People would ask her point blank if she was having inappropriate relationships and she lied.

 

Please do yourself a favor and end your relationship now before you are 13 years in, with a mortgage and 3 kids. She can't be trusted.

[HappyLove]

Yes, OP snooped and is bringing up the past but the point being made here is that she is STILL lying! She said they met for coffee but the emails say he was coming to her house. Did you mention that email to her OP? I think his concern isn't so much her past but that she LIES!

[johndoe13]

Yes, OP snooped and is bringing up the past but the point being made here is that she is STILL lying! She said they met for coffee but the emails say he was coming to her house. Did you mention that email to her OP? I think his concern isn't so much her past but that she LIES!

 

No i did not mention the e-mails with this person. This e-mail was in her office computer which I did not mention I saw. In one e-mail she told him that the should have not even started what she should end in the first place...then couple of weeks after they are meeting up every few weeks...then a month after I met her he wants to pass by her house...and tells him that she can't...he tries one more time to set something up and she says that she met someone...

[Babolat]

No i did not mention the e-mails with this person. This e-mail was in her office computer which I did not mention I saw. In one e-mail she told him that the should have not even started what she should end in the first place...then couple of weeks after they are meeting up every few weeks...then a month after I met her he wants to pass by her house...and tells him that she can't...he tries one more time to set something up and she says that she met someone...

 

You said earlier "Ok I told her everything". You, did not. A lie of ommission, kind of sort of for you, too. Now you are still carrying this with you. Talk to her about it if it's going to be on your mind for the rest of the relationship.

 

I see your snooping, spying, almost stalking as a serious trust issue, YOUR trust issue. It's not going to get better because you "mostly" shared what you know. For some reason you do not trust this woman, and now she knows this. Not good for either of you IMHO.

[ktya]

Ok I told her everything. That I snooped at her facebook, e-mail, and phone. ... She told me she left her office laptop at the office to delete things because I told her if I could look at her e-mails ... Anyways I told her about my snooping.

 

Dude. You need to get HELP and fast. I was with a girl for 3 years and the second time I caught her snooping into my stuff I dumped her and we lived together. If she was snooping at my work/office stuff I would have probably called the cops on her.

 

This girl totally loves you. Get some serious help with your personal issues and fast.

 

You're lucky that you didnt come home the next day to an empty house. Book some personal counselling, tell her you are going to go to counselling for your trust issues, ask her to support you in it and seriously go and try to work with the therapist to get over your issues.

 

What happened more than 2 years ago before you met when you are now in such a serious committed relationship that you are buying real estate together is so irrelevant to your current situation that it screams trust issues. Something caused it (and not what you think you know) before you ever met this woman.

 

If you dont, you'll either lose her or drive her to cheat on you. Figure it out man.

[johndoe13]

Dude. You need to get HELP and fast. I was with a girl for 3 years and the second time I caught her snooping into my stuff I dumped her and we lived together. If she was snooping at my work/office stuff I would have probably called the cops on her.

 

This girl totally loves you. Get some serious help with your personal issues and fast.

.

 

By the way I am here for help not her.

So

can you help me since she is not even reading this...

 

I'

m

actually at the point where I telling myself if we cannot get closer/connected than we are now I will have to end it; because honestly something I feel that we are not that close. Actually we came from a vacation and I feel that instead of getting closer we just stayed at the same distance. The first day I decided to be as chill/funny as I could be and she really loved it. However, I felt that after we landed at the destination she just disconnected again and seemed to be distracted with everyone around the airport and then I shut down...she keeps glazing at people (mostly men) but does not talk/comment to me on anything she is thinking or seeing...it is pretty ackward.

 

The issues always stem when we are surrounded by people. When people are around I feel like i dissolve into just another person in the room. Example, she will do a cheers with everyone except me (happened twice); she will serve other people wine and forget me...this type of thing...

 

Anyways;

 

I am from the core insecure. But a lot of my insecurity in my relationship comes mainly from a lack of connection and communication...and i'

m

scared because like you say this does not make any sense when you have been in a relationship for almost two years and have invested in property.

So

I feel like something does not add up!

So

this is why I post here...

 

Thanks

[HappyLove]

How and why did you end up buying a house with her?