Ultimatums don't work?

[Gaeta]

I really disagree with the idea women have that men choose women according to their successful (or not) career. Men want to feel needed. It's their nature. If a woman shows she has everything in her life figured out and way better than him probably, then the man feels he is not needed to make her happy. To be honest it scares me a bit that in 3 years you've met 100+ guys. It shows me that you don't invest your precious time and self to anyone and it's like a bazaar progress for you. Show your insecurities that I'm sure you have (we all do) and stop acting like you are complete by yourself, cause you are not. Nobody is.

 

In that 3 years I had

 

1 year relationship

6 months relationship

2 month - current guy

 

I met a lot of men before and in between these relationships. I live in a big city it's easy to meet. I also meet very fast so it's normal a lot of them got discarded after 1 coffee.

[Eternal Sunshine]

In that 3 years I had

 

1 year relationship

6 months relationship

2 month - current guy

 

I met a lot of men before and in between these relationships. I live in a big city it's easy to meet. I also meet very fast so it's normal a lot of them got discarded after 1 coffee.

 

Wow you meet a lot of single men in every day life? What age range are they?

[ThatMan]

You kind of remind of me that bizarre homeless man on Main St. who once told me that, "I'm not crazy! Everybody else is crazy!"

 

Meeting over a hundred men and pointing a finger at all of them seems a bit odd, don't you think? Doing the math... Over the past three years you would have to date at least one person every ten or so days to keep up your pace... And all of them had problems?

 

While it's awesome that you have your act together, it might be a good idea to focus less on deciding if there's something wrong with your dates, or wrong with yourself, and focus more on the subtle ways to improve your own life. We're talking trivial everyday changes that you can make to better yourself. Try finding new opportunities to broaden your horizon. And if all your dates are truly disingenuous scumbags then you better take a good long moment to reassess what you can control - the willful decisions in selecting who to date. You might be picking all the wrong men.

[Gaeta]

Wow you meet a lot of single men in every day life? What age range are they?

I met them through online dating. I am 48, most messages I get are from men aged 33 to 43.

 

1 year guy; 45

6 month guy: 45

Current guy 37

 

Men my age rarely message me. I think it's because younger men are attracted toward good looking older and successful women but men my age or above my age feel threaten by it.

 

If I date men my age or above they will ask a lot of question about my job, my responsibilities, how I got there, etc. Younger men don't care what I do they like the image.

[HappyLove]

I think many of us here come on wondering what's wrong with us WHY can't we find the right guy or woman when we have so much to offer. I think you've found that answer in this thread OP. You require very little from men. (Not to bring up old stuff) but I remember when the 6 month guy went poof and we were trying to figure out how you didn't know much about his overseas adventure or where he was located. It's because you require so little from men that they give you exactly that very little. They don't feel obligated to be upfront with you or give you much information because they don't have to. This new guy has mentioned leaving the country & possible staying and arranging a fake marriage now he's OLDing and still you stay because....you require very little. People only do what you allow them to Gaeta and this will continue to happen if you don't start expecting more and demanding more from men.

 

Also I think you should not lead with how successful you are. Young men look for sugar momma's and older men feel like you don't NEED them. The fact that the older men aren't contacting you for this reason leads me to believe that you post your success on your profile which is a big no no. Also I think you need to stop OLDing! You've met over 100 men OLDing and nothing has worked WHY do you continue to do it??? I remember you said you get offended if a man approached you on the street, ummmm next time that happens you need to exchange numbers! I know you didn't ask for an evaluation of your life but it's just some of the things I've noticed from your postings here and I hope it makes you at least question some things. Take this in the best way. Good luck!

[Iguanna]

HappyLove, I wish I would have someone explaining to me my mistakes that comprehensibly and good as you just did with Gaeta.

[HappyLove]

HappyLove, I wish I would have someone explaining to me my mistakes that comprehensibly and good as you just did with Gaeta.

 

Me too Iguanna! But I can gladly say that I've figured out A LOT of what my problems are and what I've been doing wrong through the people on this site!

[Gaeta]

... but I remember when the 6 month guy went poof and we were trying to figure out how you didn't know much about his overseas adventure or where he was located. It's because you require so little from men that they give you exactly that very little. They don't feel obligated to be upfront with you or give you much information because they don't have to.

Wow! I felt a bulb turning on in my head when I read that!! You are right, I never asked him the finer details of his project. He said he was going to build a house and be back in August and I went : Ok. I asked 2-3 general questions and that was it. I did not need to know more. I trust too much? It doesn't come naturally to me to ask a lot of questions.

 

 

 

Also I think you should not lead with how successful you are. Young men look for sugar momma's and older men feel like you don't NEED them. The fact that the older men aren't contacting you for this reason leads me to believe that you post your success on your profile which is a big no no. Also I think you need to stop OLDing! You've met over 100 men OLDing and nothing has worked WHY do you continue to do it??? I remember you said you get offended if a man approached you on the street, ummmm next time that happens you need to exchange numbers! I know you didn't ask for an evaluation of your life but it's just some of the things I've noticed from your postings here and I hope it makes you at least question some things. Take this in the best way. Good luck!

I don't talk at all about what I do for living in my profile, I only talk about myself and what I am looking for. When I start a conversation with someone and he's not a professional I downplay what I do.

 

I have not been online in a year.

 

I welcome your constructive comments HappyLove

[RonaldS]

If her title is ex-wife then you did marry her didn't you ?! Because at the time going along with the ultimatum was more important to you than losing her.

 

My bf could have refused to delete his profile. He's not the first man I ask to take his profile down. Some did it with no complain and we had no problems profile-related after that, others refused and I moved along to another man.

 

More like, she forced my hand. Thus, the decision that I made was not truly authentic. At the time, I remember having doubts about spending my life with her, but I did love her. The threat...and yes, it's a threat...that she would leave if I didn't marry her sort of made me panic and I made a bad decision

 

Marriages should be good, equitable, loving endeavors with a strong foundation where both people want to be together. Issuing an ultimatum is none of those things.

 

Looking back, sans ultimatum, I never would have married her.

 

But I did...and now we are divorced, have 3 kids, a lot of life is kind of a mess, and two people will never be the same. That's on me. I caved in, and I take responsibility for that poor decision.

 

But the point is, most of the time in relationships, if you have to resort to ultimatums, the foundation is already cracked.

[Gaeta]

Him and I exchanged a few politeness over text since the event and nothing more. I told him I was wrong in giving him an ultimatum, I reacted impulsively. He said it was ok, not to worry about it. We did not discuss it any further.

 

He broke something and I lost a lot of interest.

[BlueIris]

More like, she forced my hand. Thus, the decision that I made was not truly authentic. At the time, I remember having doubts about spending my life with her, but I did love her. The threat...and yes, it's a threat...that she would leave if I didn't marry her sort of made me panic and I made a bad decision.

 

I don’t really see it as a threat at all. She didn’t want to continue the relationship unless you were getting married, and you had the choice.

 

No matter how smitten I might be with someone, if he isn’t naturally inclined to a lifetime commitment, we’re not a match. And if we’re together for a year or so and he hasn’t decided if he wants to spend his life with me, it really has to end. No hard feelings and I respect that many people don't want serious relationships or marriage.

 

Along the same lines, OP can and should affirm what she wants and expects in a relationship and from a partner. Embrace it. In my opinion, things go much worse if people compromise what they feel and want for their lives.

 

I just saw OP's last post. OP, he did break something but he sure didn't break you. You're still the terrific woman you are, were and always will be, no matter what anyone else does.

Edited April 29, 2014 by BlueIris

[Leigh 87]

I'm a big advocate of enlarging your social circle and getting to know men slowly that way....

 

 

 

Men who are not into you initially are not compelled to quit their search for "the one" right away then. A man needs to be smitten to stop going on dating sites early on in the dating process.

 

It is two months in, many men who aren't head over heels by this stage will absolutely be online although the degree of their seriousness will vary. Some will barely scout the site but still consciously opt to keep their "options open", where as other men are full on players who simply keep a "miss right now" around all the while dishonestly seeking dates with others until he finds "the one".

 

The OP'S guy is probably not intently looking for new partners. Who has the time? However, I do think that for him to have uploaded a profile, he would have had to have thought " I want to keep my options open, just in case "the one" may come along, although things are going swimmingly with Gaeta so I am still very pleased with how she is going"

[Chocolat]

Men who are not into you initially are not compelled to quit their search for "the one" right away then. A man needs to be smitten to stop going on dating sites early on in the dating process.

 

This is not true. Leigh, you must get out of the mindset that your preferences and experiences are the only ones or that they represent some empirical truth. Particularly as people mature, they learn that insta-attraction can lead to sudden death in a R. There is nothing wrong with getting to know one another more gradually and letting love grow (Eric Clapton, anyone?).

 

This is not to say that there shouldn't be attraction or interest, but that there are multiple paths to love and infatuation is not always the best one and certainly not the only one.

[StanMusial]

I met them through online dating. I am 48, most messages I get are from men aged 33 to 43.

 

1 year guy; 45

6 month guy: 45

Current guy 37

 

Men my age rarely message me. I think it's because younger men are attracted toward good looking older and successful women but men my age or above my age feel threaten by it.

 

If I date men my age or above they will ask a lot of question about my job, my responsibilities, how I got there, etc. Younger men don't care what I do they like the image.

 

I nearly choked on my pizza. I think you are making some leaps here.

 

I'll give you some fresh advice. First of all, 1/100 means you are picky. Like really picky. With that being the case, I think when you find someone you like you're going to have to be a little more flexible and forgiving. Otherwise, queue up the next 100.

[Leigh 87]

This is not true. Leigh, you must get out of the mindset that your preferences and experiences are the only ones or that they represent some empirical truth. Particularly as people mature, they learn that insta-attraction can lead to sudden death in a R. There is nothing wrong with getting to know one another more gradually and letting love grow (Eric Clapton, anyone?).

 

This is not to say that there shouldn't be attraction or interest, but that there are multiple paths to love and infatuation is not always the best one and certainly not the only one.

 

 

I am not telling anyone what path to take.

 

I am saying: don't complain about a guy being online after 2 months when you know very well that he is not crazy about you. MOST men who grow to love a woman over a lot of time DO stay online where as men who just cant get a woman off their minds after date one, DO NOT tend to go back online if the one woman is the "one" he is head over heels for.

 

BOTH loves are equal! NONE is worth more than the other, they are merely different. Some may argue different intensities and different levels of passion are present and I agree; however, the level of love and satisfaction are of course, equal in many instances of BOTH cases when they are pitted up against each other. BOTH styles of love often result in EQUALLY fulfilling long term relationships (the ones that last of the two).

 

Absolutely pick whatever love you want! Be it my friends or family, I welcome them all to opt to choose THEIR love story of their own! I never tell them to get a guy who is crazy about them! I tell them to find a kind and respectful man who treats them well. THAT is the most important thing, that transcends it you are in an accident; it determines who is quality enough to stay around should the worst happen. A relationship high on passion may not sustain such a setback once they both discover the passion is all that sustained them.

 

As you can see, I am aware of the drawbacks of having a boyfriend who was into me from date one. I am aware of the cons of the style of love I chose to seek.

 

I am saying this from neutral standpoint: it is normal for a guy in the OP to still be online, browsing occasionally. It has only been two months and he didn't establish whether or not he would refrain from the whole online experience after meeting her at any point. If the OP has issues with it him being online still, she is more into him than he is into her. That IS ALL I am alluding to here. I felt like the OP secretly wish he was crazy about her so that she wouldn't have to deal with this; that if given the choice she WOULD want a man to be head over heels for her AND be a lasting partner.

 

I am outlining that with the love that starts quietly may be just as good as the other style of love, however; you shouldn't be so phased when the guy is online after two months, that is what the slow burn is; growing to like and then love a person rather than quitting your online accounts as soon as you meet "the one"

[RonaldS]

I don’t really see it as a threat at all. She didn’t want to continue the relationship unless you were getting married, and you had the choice.

 

No matter how smitten I might be with someone, if he isn’t naturally inclined to a lifetime commitment, we’re not a match. And if we’re together for a year or so and he hasn’t decided if he wants to spend his life with me, it really has to end. No hard feelings and I respect that many people don't want serious relationships or marriage.

 

An ultimatum is probably never perceived as a threat by the person issuing it.

 

The reality of our situation is that my hesitancy in marrying her had to do with a lot of issues between us that hadn't been worked on, and sensing vaguely that she wouldn't be one to work on them. At the time, I didnt know exactly what was wrong...just that something was wrong. Now, of course, I know what it was. But at the time, it was just a vague sense.

 

However, the ultimatum made me choose between two extremes. Both choices were the wrong ones, probably. The right choice would have been for both people to acknowledge that there were major issues that needed to be worked out before taking the next step and to work them out and then assess if we wanted to spend our lives together.

 

The ultimatum did not allow for that.

[Gaeta]

I nearly choked on my pizza. I think you are making some leaps here.

 

I'll give you some fresh advice. First of all, 1/100 means you are picky. Like really picky. With that being the case, I think when you find someone you like you're going to have to be a little more flexible and forgiving. Otherwise, queue up the next 100.

 

I am not picky. I am looking for a connection. I dated men of all races, all ages, all social classes, tall, short, fit and not fit.

 

A big chunk of those men I had 2-3 dates with them and then they faded away when they realized I was serious and were just playing the field.

 

Some of them were not at all as they portrayed themselves.

 

Some were just ridiculous. Like this man who took me to a movie on our second date and his ex wife and 3 kids sat next to me. Or this other guy who waited to be sitting in front of me at a coffee shop to tell me he got out of a 25 year marriage 2 months ago and lives in his ex's basement. I have enough stories to fill an entire book. Almost forgot the man who didn't tell me he was in a wheel chair.

[Crazy Russian Girl]

I agree that it is normal for males to stay on an online dating for when they meet woman. If he is not really into you to the start, he will remain online for a few months this is normal and fine, I asked to of my friends and they both said " sure it is normal, unless he is in a fairy tale with you which is rare"

 

my language skill is bad sorry for this, but I also have nice job for my countries standards and earn a lot for these standards, my friends are very pretty and they say men they see online do stay there for months!

 

Two or three I know say that the men went offline right away, these guys were very happy with the girls in an instant though and well to their knees within a year to marry them they are still together.

 

The rest of the women I speak with all agreed that it is really normal for your boyfriends behaviour. Way more say this than the guys who were so crazy and took the profile down soon.

 

few men are strictly liking to be committed to lady at a time even if they are not too phased by the women, some guys only stop with online once they meet a girl they are over the moon about.

 

I live in western Europe right now and it is same as in my home, as I learn English more I make more friends too and they all say that with the online dating so many men stay online until they are sure most men are not so excited about 1 women from the very first time.

[Leigh 87]

Gaeta, I got my Russian friend to post who just moved away from me and is having issues dating overseas (I told her to come here:lmao:)

 

I asked her what she thought and yeah, her and her friends over there think it is really normal to do as your guy has done. I asked her opposed to my other friends because I was personally interested about how different cultures handle these "online" issues.

 

I only have 3 people I have ever met in my real life who shut their accounts down first date; my friend, her bf and myself (and I am assuming my bf. Unless he is lying of course!) It isn't common to drop everything in 2 months, people still have their feelers out there until they are deadest certain about someone. Doesn't mean they are interested in anyone INPARTICULAR, either.

[bluegreen]

Am amazed that this thread went on for seven eight pages.

Guy is still looking when caught had no real excuse played dumb lady on another hand is grasping at straws to keep him. ( Is he that good in bed ? )

 

He should have taken that profile off by himself changed his relationship on face and made sure all around them knew she is his girl friend.

Thats what guys who are serious about someone do and no girl can or should force them to do any of those above.

 

 

Now she caught him once he gave her some bull s... excuse about if she sees him on line he removed one photo but I'll bet my next paycheck he OPENED another account or few emails somewhere else.

 

 

 

Been there done that this thread will go on for another 10 pages and she will still cling to him and he will behave worse and worse.

[Gaeta]

Am amazed that this thread went on for seven eight pages.

Guy is still looking when caught had no real excuse played dumb lady on another hand is grasping at straws to keep him. ( Is he that good in bed ? )

 

He should have taken that profile off by himself changed his relationship on face and made sure all around them knew she is his girl friend.

Thats what guys who are serious about someone do and no girl can or should force them to do any of those above.

 

 

Now she caught him once he gave her some bull s... excuse about if she sees him on line he removed one photo but I'll bet my next paycheck he OPENED another account or few emails somewhere else.

 

 

 

Been there done that this thread will go on for another 10 pages and she will still cling to him and he will behave worse and worse.

 

Well that was entertaining.

 

You did not read the 7-8 pages I can see. Where are those straws I am trying to grasp? I did not make contact with him since the weekend. He sent me a few politeness and I replied, that is all.

 

I don't add men I date on my FB. When I have a ring around my finger or a moving van at my door maybe, not before.

[Gaeta]

So after I told him if he wanted to see me again the profile had to go he had took down the picture and deleted the text. The profile was empty but still there. Now it's gone.

 

When we started dating he gave me this speech about honesty and openness. He said his phone and pc were an open book, he had nothing to hide and he did not want the type of girlfriend that turns her phone away to text or turns her phone down so he can't see who calls. If he talks the talk he's got to walk the walk too.

[Gaeta]

Do people really have these conversations? Do people really think, worry about and check each other's stuff?

 

Jesus.

 

I have never dated someone where I needed or wanted to read their emails, check their phone, have their passwords, check text messages, phone bills, follow them, etc.

 

Why on earth would people bother dating one another if you both need to police and check up on each other? Does it matter if they are doing something shady? You think they can / will / do / have. Might as well go be with someone who you know won't do that.

 

I honestly believe A LOT of people have a clue what love is anymore. Cause let me tell you, this isn't it.

 

*shaking my head* Do you just cross read these posts? Because you are reading things that are not there.

 

Where did I say him or I were checking each other's phone and computer? He has a history of being cheated on, women that cheat turn their phone when they get a text and they keep their pc off limits. He was not asking to see my phone or pc, and he was not offering for me to look at his. He was just explaining a behavior he had to put up with and he doesn't to anymore.

[Treasa]

I've read all of your posts. It seems that you know that this isn't right, but when confronted about it, you immediately jump to defend either him or yourself.

 

I don't think anyone is trying to attack you or your judgment. But honestly, given that it's only been two months, and all of these things have happened, it doesn't seem like it's worth it. I mean, I would have lost him before this latest thing.

 

He seems to have too many issues. No thank you. Love is work, but it shouldn't be this kind of work, nor so early in.