Ultimatums don't work?

[MissBee]

I am not hellbent on anything. I am observing what's next. I am not ignoring these advices but I have to also trust my instinct, and give some consideration to the people around me here that have a first row seat in my life and are telling me I have a good thing going and to slow down on the eject pedal.

 

It's not a matter of closing my eyes, or giving him a chance. I am not there. I am letting the dust fall and see what will be his next move and his next words.

 

Ok Gaeta. Isn't observing what's next giving him a chance? Isn't you saying people are telling you you have a good thing and don't hit the eject pedal ultimately boiling down to you are not throwing the towel in and are giving him a chance? If you weren't giving him a chance, there would be nothing next to see...do you understand that? There is no middle ground here...you're either done with him or you're not. If you're "observing" you're not done and that's fine, but don't delude yourself into saying you're doing something else.

 

We all have our breaking point...you aren't at yours yet and that's fine. Although, you make A LOT of threads about this guy...so how exactly are you trusting your instincts? It seems to me like you are very unsure of your relationship, hence so many threads needing input and feedback about this or that aspect, and your instincts are sounding the alarm, but your need to "observe" and "let the dust settle" i.e. give him a chance are what is getting in the way of your actual intuition. We all have anxieties and insecurities but yours seem above average in a "good relationship" and they also seem to come from OBVIOUS red flags, not just made up things. It's like you see the red flags, come here and ask about them then brush it all off and say "Okay I know it's bizarre but maybe there is a good reason so I'm gonna press on."

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

But you will eventually see one way or another as I said. I wasn't being snarky. Been there done that with having so many anxieties and red flags but ignoring them and giving chances to "see" and eventually it all came to a head. I don't wish badly for you but the things you say don't sound promising. I can't imagine being in a "good thing" and needed dozens of threads to ask about one concerning aspect or another, but if somehow this is all off base and it's actually a good thing, I am more than happy for you.

Edited April 28, 2014 by MissBee

[Sunfire73]

That he updated his profile pic 2 months in won't fly by me! If he just forgot to delete his profile, i'd forgive him. But to update it? That means he's still wants to keep his options open. I would stop sleeping with him and date others. He should want to put his profile down, without me having to dictate it.

[Gaeta]

I can't imagine being in a "good thing" and needed dozens of threads to ask about one concerning aspect or another, but if somehow this is all off base and it's actually a good thing, I am more than happy for you.

 

You say a few good things but you would have more credit in my eyes if your facts were straight. I did not write dozens of threads about this guy.

 

Threads:

 

1. Almost 2 years between date 3 & 4: Not a red flag thread

2. My new boyfriend hurt himself and doesn't want my help: No red flags

3. Time to abort this relationship: Yes I am starting to have concerns

4. My boyfriend's confession: Same concerns as 3.

5. When do you stop inviting each other: No red flags

6. Ultimatum: Red flags.

 

That is 6 threads, 2 have the same concern developing and my last one is a new subject.

 

I don't call that having DOZENS of threads about a boyfriend.

[Leigh 87]

Doesn't work that way all the time Leigh: We both fell head over heels before, got the divorce certificates to prove it, many gf and bf disappointing us, he's got a history of women cheating on him, I got a history of men falling fast and then disappearing.

 

No I don't find it unusual that we're not completely smitten with each other. I think about him a lot, I miss him after a couple of days. He tells me the same, he tells me he wishes we could see each other each day he always wants to see me. What else can I ask after 2 months?

 

 

 

Well if that's how you feel then the fact he's still inclined to change his online dating picture shouldbe fine as long as he isn't really on there to look for other women.

 

I prefer a man to be crazy about me. Liking me a lot and growing to love me slowly isn't my cup of tea personally.

 

Are you sure you're okay with the fact with the girl he was smitten with, he likely wouldn't have updated a new picture of himself on an online dating account?

 

I just wouldn't want to be with a man who had been more into a prior woman. I would want to equal or above what he had ever felt emotionally speaking. ..

 

In your situation, you sound like you should be fine if this guy just had no intention of actually dating anyone new. It's only been two months so maybe he was online to see how he felt about you; he may have figured that he really liked you and wanted to see if he was still averse to other women.

 

It wouldn't fly with women like me in since I want a guy to only have eyes for me from day one. Literally.

[Gaeta]

It shouldn't be this complicated. You know it and we know it. You are not going to convince us otherwise and that voice in your head and feeling in your gut is not going away either.

 

You are trying your damndest to settle and this "bucking bronco" you selected isn't going to cooperate. You might have won this "battle" but he is going to win the "war". He will leave you (probably cheat before doing so) and break your heart into a million pieces.

 

Is being alone really that bad that you are willing to "waste more time" with this idiot instead of finding someone who actually cares about you and wants to be with you?

 

I was alone for 10 years. I am looking forward to have a mate again. I have a lot to offer and require so little in return. How can I be afraid of being alone when I spent 10 years with no men and the past 3 years I spent it discarding men for every possible reasons under the sun. Through it all I am alone.

 

On a side note he cannot break my heart. I would have to be in love with him for that, which I am not yet. He will probably disappoint me, but then he'll just be number 103 who did so, at this point, it's really not a big deal anymore. I don't cry, I don't argue, I don't say anything....it's like normal for me to be disappointed by men.

[Leigh 87]

Well then you're just very uunlucky when it comes to love...

 

The average girl can find a man who adores her and is genuine. It takes time but it happens if they have something to offer.

 

The fact you have a lot to offer yet cannot find a guy who is genuinely into you after meeting 100 men shows you have bad luck and have set the bar lower since you doubt you can find an honest man, let alone a guy who is VERY into you.

[MissBee]

You say a few good things but you would have more credit in my eyes if your facts were straight. I did not write dozens of threads about this guy.

 

Threads:

 

1. Almost 2 years between date 3 & 4: Not a red flag thread

2. My new boyfriend hurt himself and doesn't want my help: No red flags

3. Time to abort this relationship: Yes I am starting to have concerns

4. My boyfriend's confession: Same concerns as 3.

5. When do you stop inviting each other: No red flags

6. Ultimatum: Red flags.

 

That is 6 threads, 2 have the same concern developing and my last one is a new subject.

 

I don't call that having DOZENS of threads about a boyfriend.

 

Saying dozens was a hyperbole...

 

But what you just illuminated speaks for itself... it doesn't actually improve the situation in my eyes. 3 "red flags" threads in such a short span seems like 3 too many to me.

 

But you're getting defensive about it and then missing the point entirely because you're bent on defending the situation. As I said, it's fine, either way things will either fall apart or work out and you'll be fine.

 

You mentioned you're used to disappointment thus ask little of men and give a lot....that's part of the problem. Asking little of men allows for you to be treated poorly by men who make no effort and take you for granted. Relationships shouldn't be about asking for little, not requiring much and accepting whatever comes your way...it's actually the complete opposite of what you need to do. Women who ask for a lot, require a lot, give a lot and don't tolerate nonsense get good men whom they don't have to dissect and give ultimatums to.

Edited April 28, 2014 by MissBee

[Poppyolive]

Fellow Plenty of fish user here. I feel if you discussed being exclusive earlier on... That would mean giving each other a shot and not having anyone else. At that point his profile should of been removed, it wasn't...that's OK because it wasn't checked or he wasn't logged on. Now he could of got a like, meet me or a message from another women... If so he should of realized that hang on a sec I'm seeing a woman we're exclusive I need to delete this. Oh I can't figure out how....up until now whatever right??! But then he goes and changes his profile. You only do that to seek attention with the intention of getting more messages. Meet me, views etc...this is the part the only part that is the problem.

 

In which op comes in a points out what she's discovered, asks him why? And to delete it! Good move op. I think your next steps should be #1 if he doesn't delete it finish it. #2 if he does delete it, have a check in conversation with him regarding what each of you want, need and lay down some bounderies. Be aware, have your gaurd up and pull back. Let him know if he wants to search out other woman to let you know so you're not wasting your time.

 

Any other shady business after this I'd call it quits. Keep in mind op the reason he put up a new pic needs to be addressed... Fully! Not swept under the rug.

 

I've been dating no sex yet man for a few months and I've been on other dates no sex, he's been online too.. But for right now I'm OK with that as I'm not sure we are a great fit....if and when it feels right and we decide to give it a shot...I'd expect profiles to be taken down.

[saltyfishhead666]

I was alone for 10 years. I am looking forward to have a mate again. I have a lot to offer and require so little in return. How can I be afraid of being alone when I spent 10 years with no men and the past 3 years I spent it discarding men for every possible reasons under the sun. Through it all I am alone.

 

On a side note he cannot break my heart. I would have to be in love with him for that, which I am not yet. He will probably disappoint me, but then he'll just be number 103 who did so, at this point, it's really not a big deal anymore. I don't cry, I don't argue, I don't say anything....it's like normal for me to be disappointed by men.

 

Then maybe you should "require" more than you currently do.

 

I would have his guts for garters and leave him in the dust personally.

 

I tolerate a lot, I make excuses for a lot but an active dating site isn't something to settle with and neither is this bloke.

 

You have an awful lot of respect from me and the people on this forum. You are notorious for your good solid advice.

 

If this weren't you, and it was me, you'd be telling me to leave him in the dust.

[Iguanna]

So I gave him an ultimatum, knowing very well they don't work.

 

I don't think they work either. Only way for an ultimatum to work is if the person who gives it is really strong as a character and they feel they are better anyway and that the other person will lose losing them. In other words, the only way for an ultimatum to work is if you don't care enough for the result. If you are with one foot out of the door anyway ready to leave, then the ultimatum will only delay the inevitable. But strong people usually don't give ultimatums. They feel too good for themselves to base their lives in others so they just leave. In my opinion an ultimatum shows weakness.

 

I just want a genuine man, I have been looking for 3 years, met 100+ men, and none turned out to be genuine.

 

I hate to say this, but 100+ men and none was good enough? Have you thought that maybe what goes wrong in this is .... you? After all, the only things these 100+ men had in common was you. Have you considered yor possible mistakes?

[Gaeta]

I don't think they work either. Only way for an ultimatum to work is if the person who gives it is really strong as a character and they feel they are better anyway and that the other person will lose losing them. In other words, the only way for an ultimatum to work is if you don't care enough for the result.

He will definitely lose by losing me. I don't lack self confidence and when I gave that ultimatum I was ready to carry it out to the end. I still am.

 

I hate to say this, but 100+ men and none was good enough? Have you thought that maybe what goes wrong in this is .... you? After all, the only things these 100+ men had in common was you. Have you considered yor possible mistakes?

I have been through this over and over with friends, and ex turned into friends, and I am not doing anything wrong. Frankly everyone around me don't understand the hard time I am having and I don't understand either.

 

The problem is I don't need saving. I got my sh.1t together! and no issues. I got a great career, my home, got stability, I'm in shape, I do my things on my own. Around me I see women who can barely make it at the end of each month, got 2-3 daddies in the pictures, exs in the background, insecurities eating at them and they all have men in their life!

[Iguanna]

He will definitely lose by losing me. I don't lack self confidence and when I gave that ultimatum I was ready to carry it out to the end. I still am.

 

I have been through this over and over with friends, and ex turned into friends, and I am not doing anything wrong. Frankly everyone around me don't understand the hard time I am having and I don't understand either.

 

The problem is I don't need saving. I got my sh.1t together! and no issues. I got a great career, my home, got stability, I'm in shape, I do my things on my own. Around me I see women who can barely make it at the end of each month, got 2-3 daddies in the pictures, exs in the background, insecurities eating at them and they all have men in their life!

 

Maybe this is what scares men away? Your too strong character? Your showing that you can do fine by yourself? Men by nature want to feel they are needed by women. If you show a man that you want to make him 10th priority in your life, I'm sure he'll prefer to be in top 3 priorities of another woman instead. And in general, who wants to feel not that much needed anyway?

[Mascara]

A dormant profile I wouldn't worry about. I'm sure I've got things I've forgotten about. Logging into a profile is a deal breaker for most people. Adding new info or pictures SHOULD be a deal breaker for everyone.

 

It shows he's actively looking, you can talk about expectations but some things should go without saying. When he goes out on dates and sleeps with someone else, are you going to say "well I didn't tell him not to"?

 

Look, having been through something similar with a long forgotten ex, you forcing him to shut this profile down - but not leaving him - will go like this.

 

- he's caught, you give him the ultimatum, he shuts it down

- he signs up to a different site, you find out about that too

- he gives up those active dating sites because you almost break up over that last one

- he adds new people to facebook, talks to people on forums, shares posts on twitter, does online games.... but funny, they're all women, all "just friends", all harmless, all getting the wrong idea about his flirting. And each time he'll offer to delete that person, stop going to that site.

 

Trust me, nip this in the bud. That ex I mentioned is now with a woman who spends her life arguing with him about the latest thing she discovers.

[Phantom888]

this is a good sign... i guess..?

 

No because ultimatums are lose-lose situations. Yes you get what you want, but no from him willingly. It was forced. If you force anyone to do anything, there is resentment....and it will build. If he couldn't take down his profile on his own, then he's not willing, period. By forcing him to do it, now you will always wonder what he is thinking, or if he would create a profile that you can't find.

[Valen]

Well if that's how you feel then the fact he's still inclined to change his online dating picture shouldbe fine as long as he isn't really on there to look for other women.

 

I prefer a man to be crazy about me. Liking me a lot and growing to love me slowly isn't my cup of tea personally.

 

Are you sure you're okay with the fact with the girl he was smitten with, he likely wouldn't have updated a new picture of himself on an online dating account?

 

I just wouldn't want to be with a man who had been more into a prior woman. I would want to equal or above what he had ever felt emotionally speaking. ..

 

In your situation, you sound like you should be fine if this guy just had no intention of actually dating anyone new. It's only been two months so maybe he was online to see how he felt about you; he may have figured that he really liked you and wanted to see if he was still averse to other women.

 

It wouldn't fly with women like me in since I want a guy to only have eyes for me from day one. Literally.

 

Well said. I really like the part in bold. When someone is crazy about you, dating is more fun and doesn't feel like mind games.

[Gaeta]

It took 5 pages but I see now that I was wrong in giving him an ultimatum, it was not well thought out, it was a knee jerk reaction, I saw his new pic and he text me at the very same time.

 

I wish he were crazy about me but then what? Six months later he goes poof as well. Those that were crazy about me ended up fading away anyway. I would much prefer something that starts quietly and grows into something over time.

[Poppyolive]

I feel everyone's bashing op. I think she is wise to his moves and come here for help. Opinions and experiences are great...but I've read a few in here that if I was op it would hurt. I do know a lot of people hurt here on these threads and feel passionately about helping others. But let's support each other here. Saying she hasn't got her priorities straight that she won't be someone else's priorities.. she must be unlucky in love,

 

I think she knows who she is, what she wants and needs. We are not reading a he cheated 50 times shall I take him back??? Or he hit me shall i take him back. She's spotted something off and now she weary and open to see his next actions.

 

 

I'm sure she's well able to stand up for herself, and I hope my spiel hasn't offended you op... I just feel strongly about supporting one another.

[letmoc]

Well then you're just very uunlucky when it comes to love...

 

The average girl can find a man who adores her and is genuine. It takes time but it happens if they have something to offer.

 

The fact you have a lot to offer yet cannot find a guy who is genuinely into you after meeting 100 men shows you have bad luck and have set the bar lower since you doubt you can find an honest man, let alone a guy who is VERY into you.

 

I could not disagree with this more. I wish the phrase and idea of somebody being "into you" would die already. Relationships are not that cut and dry.

[Hopeful30]

Also, do you really want a man you have to persuade to be faithful and exclusive?

 

I think every woman who has doubts or insecurities about a man being faithful should ask herself this question.

[KatZee]

Hiding a profile is now a paying option on POF.

 

I do agree with everyone saying updating his picture is shady. That is why I addressed it right away.

 

I am not at peace with this yet.

 

Hiding a profile on POF is NOT a paying option. I'm on POF. I hide and unhide it all the time.

 

Edit Profile -->

To hide your profile from others click here

Hiding your profile removes you from all searches.

 

*click* hidden

 

To unhide your profile from others click here

Hiding your profile removes you from all searches.

 

*click* unhidden

 

Very free.

[Leigh 87]

It took 5 pages but I see now that I was wrong in giving him an ultimatum, it was not well thought out, it was a knee jerk reaction, I saw his new pic and he text me at the very same time.

 

I wish he were crazy about me but then what? Six months later he goes poof as well. Those that were crazy about me ended up fading away anyway. I would much prefer something that starts quietly and grows into something over time.

 

 

 

 

You CAN find a guy who is crazy about you and actually sticks around. Plenty of average looking women with a less successful career than yours (I have read about your impressive credentials on here, you are attractive and have a good job), CAN find men who adore them from the start.

 

 

Look you sound like a very impressive women, from your posting history. I honestly think you can find a guy who IS crazy about you and puts fourth more effort AND who doesn't disappear! I am not talking about a guy who is abnormally, suspiciously "smitten" with you; a guy who writes poetry for you and declares his undying love from date one:lmao: I am speaking of a guy who sees you once, thinks you're a real catch and has a special feeling about you that compels him to NOT go online after meeting you.....

 

You have bad luck. I know I am younger than you but in my shorter amount of time dating, I have had men act totally crazy about me only to disappear too! Yet I have also had men truly crazy about me whom DIDNT disappear; one of them I didn't like back (he was a real catch too), and my current boyfriend I highly doubt will go poof. How about Phantom220's fiancé? He was SMITTEN from date one and thought she was gorgeous, he immediately lost interest in other women. He hasn't disappeared after nearly a year.

 

I am sure his fiancé doesn't possess some magical powers nor extraordinary luck! Plenty of women find that guy......

[Leigh 87]

Well said. I really like the part in bold. When someone is crazy about you, dating is more fun and doesn't feel like mind games.

 

 

I am not even talking about the types of men who go in TOOOO fast, in a way that is just not right; asking to move in together after a month or two, talking marriage and babies after 3 dates:sick:

 

I just mean men who are REALLY into from date one because they simply get a "special feeling" about you which they haven't felt before/or have rarely ever felt before.... SOMETHING that makes them take note and make moves towards making you THEIRS. From day one. No grandiose gestures, just a guy who is VERY much into you from the start...

 

It is as simply as finding a guy you have strong chemistry with PLUS who adores you and who YOU feel the same way about.

 

The women who get he guy who is crazy about them simply strike the rare combination of chemistry PLUS a guy who adores them. It is rare but NOT all that uncommon, it eventually happens to most folks if they wait and don't settle for less with another partner.

[ja123]

I have a lot to offer and require so little in return.

 

 

 

This is the root of your problem with men, Gaeta.

[Iguanna]

I really disagree with the idea women have that men choose women according to their successful (or not) career. Men want to feel needed. It's their nature. If a woman shows she has everything in her life figured out and way better than him probably, then the man feels he is not needed to make her happy. To be honest it scares me a bit that in 3 years you've met 100+ guys. It shows me that you don't invest your precious time and self to anyone and it's like a bazaar progress for you. Show your insecurities that I'm sure you have (we all do) and stop acting like you are complete by yourself, cause you are not. Nobody is.

[Emilia]

I would much prefer something that starts quietly and grows into something over time.

I'm a big advocate of enlarging your social circle and getting to know men slowly that way....