xxoo Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 You are right. I am sure him and I will talk about this again. We're having a cool down moment now. The other issue that came up is he convinced himself that I saw his profile by accident while searching for men. He was working all weekend and asked if I was on there because I didn't get enough of his attention cause of his busy weekend. That was mind blowing! That ship didn't sail very far. He's just avoiding the hot seat by putting you on the defensive. Another red flag. 2
Author Gaeta Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 My trust issues are mild, but they are present. I am just very fed up with BS. His trust issues are serious. He has always been cheated on and he believes 90% of women cheat. As for being in love, we've been dating for 2 months, we like each other very much but no one is in love here. I need much more time and so does he.
xxoo Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 This guy has two serious strikes against him for dishonesty just in the thread. Are there more? Right now, I feel you are under reacting. 4
Leigh 87 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I would have bailed sorry. There is no reason to have any association with an online dating website. I asked my own boyfriend how he'd feel and he said he'd say he'd be devastated. He also wouldn't buy the whole " I dunno how to delete it:lmao:" crap your guy gave you. He would have told me " well I will delete it for you it is easy" There is no logical explanation as to WHY a man you have dated for months and are EXCLUSIVE with, would upload NEW pictures. 4
Author Gaeta Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 This guy has two serious strikes against him for dishonesty just in the thread. Are there more? Right now, I feel you are under reacting. Nothing else comes to mind lol When I saw his profile had been updated with a new picture yesterday my daughter (26) was here. She did not make a big deal of it. She felt it was a stupid thing to do but with nothing dramatic behind. She has always liked him so she did not push me to go all drama on him.
Leigh 87 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Nothing else comes to mind lol When I saw his profile had been updated with a new picture yesterday my daughter (26) was here. She did not make a big deal of it. She felt it was a stupid thing to do but with nothing dramatic behind. She has always liked him so she did not push me to go all drama on him. There is never a need to go all drama on a guy. I just don't believe that a guy who was crazy about you would upload a recent pic on an online dating profile.
Author Gaeta Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 I would have bailed sorry. There is no reason to have any association with an online dating website. I asked my own boyfriend how he'd feel and he said he'd say he'd be devastated. He also wouldn't buy the whole " I dunno how to delete it:lmao:" crap your guy gave you. He would have told me " well I will delete it for you it is easy" There is no logical explanation as to WHY a man you have dated for months and are EXCLUSIVE with, would upload NEW pictures. 1. I knew he had a profile, he told me he still had his profile on. He was not hiding it from me, and I had not required he deleted it up to now. 2. Many people have problems with deleting their profile on POF. Myself included. 3. We have been dating for 2 months, not months. Now is a good time to clear up the air about those profiles.
Leigh 87 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 You're an intelligent woman. There is no reason for him to have downloaded a recent picture. I understand the other parts about not being able to delete it though. The new photo uploads are inexcusable in my opinion.
BlueIris Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 So I gave him an ultimatum, knowing very well they don't work. Call it an ultimatum or just stating what you will accept or not accept in a relationship- "boundaries" is the popular word these days. So break up with him. You stated that you wouldn't accept his keeping an active dating profile and he not only has but he's updated it. He doesn't care what your boundary is, defied it, and now you have to live up to your word and leave. As they say, we teach someone how to treat us.
MissBee Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Ultimatums are useful in some scenarios, in this one, it isn't. If your boyfriend has an activated dating profile which he has recently updated with a new picture that he took last week and when you ask about it he has no good response but "Ok..." I mean...sorry...telling him to "delete it or else" won't work, as the problem isn't him deleting it. The problem is you have a man that isn't on his own doing what you need. This shouldn't be a thing to negotiate. This shouldn't have to be a discussion. A man invested in you will NOT update his dating profile and will not have a lame response on top of it when you ask. You have had so many issues with this guy where it is apparent that you are a bit more invested than he is yet you're pressing on, undeterred. Why? If he deletes his profile then what? All is well? No it won't be. Guaranteed some other shady behavior lurks in the wings. 7
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Nothing else comes to mind lol When I saw his profile had been updated with a new picture yesterday my daughter (26) was here. She did not make a big deal of it. She felt it was a stupid thing to do but with nothing dramatic behind. She has always liked him so she did not push me to go all drama on him. But the point is the reasoning in updating it. Sure people don't know how to delete profiles, sure they hide them in order to concentrate on dating 1 person - if he's updating it he's doing neither he's openly using it 1
Author Gaeta Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 Call it an ultimatum or just stating what you will accept or not accept in a relationship- "boundaries" is the popular word these days. So break up with him. You stated that you wouldn't accept his keeping an active dating profile and he not only has but he's updated it. He doesn't care what your boundary is, defied it, and now you have to live up to your word and leave. As they say, we teach someone how to treat us. I think people are not paying attention to the finer details of my thread. I knew he had a profile, he told me he had a profile. I did not ask him to delete his profile up to yesterday. My boundaries about that profile had not been defined before yesterday.
Author Gaeta Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 Hiding a profile is now a paying option on POF. I do agree with everyone saying updating his picture is shady. That is why I addressed it right away. I am not at peace with this yet.
BlueIris Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I don’t consider breaking up with someone “going all drama.” I consider it avoiding arguments and drama. Only two months in, you’ve learned (1) that you two don’t agree on what “exclusive” means or how people in an exclusive relationship should act- different values, (2) he is going to do what he wishes regardless of your feelings about it, and (3) he’s keeping his options open even if he’s not actually dating or sleeping with someone else. The chances of any of these attitudes actually changing are slim to none, so why bring it up again? He has passively responded to you: "No, I won't." If the only problem was how to take the profile down, he could have taken down all of his pictures, changed the profile to say, "I'm in a relationship- not looking!" while he figured out how to delete it.
MissBee Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I think people are not paying attention to the finer details of my thread. I knew he had a profile, he told me he had a profile. I did not ask him to delete his profile up to yesterday. My boundaries about that profile had not been defined before yesterday. I don't think "finer details" matter. Boundaries are for yourself...not for someone else. Your boundaries are what you will and won't accept and aren't contingent on another agreeing or signing off. What do you mean your boundaries were not defined before yesterday? Everyone should go into dating with their boundaries clearly defined for themselves, it's not about you telling him what they are, you can, but that's not the point of boundaries, they are internal dealbreakers and things you choose not to tolerate and how you expect to be treated. Defining a boundary isn't about telling the other person, it's about having a boundary for yourself and things you won't put up with, regardless of if they "know" or not. In this case...it seems like only an idiot would need someone to tell them that it violates their boundaries to be updating your dating profile while in a relationship. 5
Author Gaeta Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 I don't think "finer details" matter. Boundaries are for yourself...not for someone else. Your boundaries are what you will and won't accept and aren't contingent on another agreeing or signing off. What do you mean your boundaries were not defined before yesterday? Everyone should go into dating with their boundaries clearly defined for themselves, it's not about you telling him what they are, you can, but that's not the point of boundaries, they are internal dealbreakers and things you choose not to tolerate and how you expect to be treated. Defining a boundary isn't about telling the other person, it's about having a boundary for yourself and things you won't put up with, regardless of if they "know" or not. In this case...it seems like only an idiot would need someone to tell them that it violates their boundaries to be updating your dating profile while in a relationship. I know what my deal breakers are and they need to be shared with the person I am dating. Men are not mind readers and by not saying anything about his profile at the beginning of our relationship I may have sent the wrong message about my boundaries. When he told me he still had his profile up I said: Ok He said he was not logging on even if he got messages I said: Ok Once he said to me don't worry if you saw me online I was trying to delete my profile and couldn't find the section I said: OK All these opportunities i could have used to speak up about where I draw the line and I didn't. I have never ever told him what were my boundaries with this profile. How is he suppose to know what will simply annoy me or what will push me over the hill.
Emilia Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 When he told me he still had his profile up I said: Ok He said he was not logging on even if he got messages I said: Ok Once he said to me don't worry if you saw me online I was trying to delete my profile and couldn't find the section I said: OK All these opportunities i could have used to speak up about where I draw the line and I didn't. Don't you think though that these statements are misleading? He said he wasn't logging on and he was trying to delete his profile. Wasn't that insinuating that he was doing what he thought you would want? People know that the other person usually prefers the profile down. Sure it helps to spell it out but I'd say a man who makes those comments above knows what he is doing. This isn't a 24 year-old Gaeta. 2
regine_phalange Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 It's not like he is squeezing the toothpaste in the middle. You should not have to tell him how to behave for basic stuff, like dating site activity. What are you, his mum? Some things go without saying, and you don't have to make them clear because they are implied. You don't have to give ultimatums, this is such a turnoff because it feels like one has to do with a little boy. My opinion: wish him good luck with his profile and leave like a lady. 7
MissBee Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I know what my deal breakers are and they need to be shared with the person I am dating. Men are not mind readers and by not saying anything about his profile at the beginning of our relationship I may have sent the wrong message about my boundaries. When he told me he still had his profile up I said: Ok He said he was not logging on even if he got messages I said: Ok Once he said to me don't worry if you saw me online I was trying to delete my profile and couldn't find the section I said: OK All these opportunities i could have used to speak up about where I draw the line and I didn't. I have never ever told him what were my boundaries with this profile. How is he suppose to know what will simply annoy me or what will push me over the hill. Of course men are not mind readers...what I'm saying is that your boundaries aren't things that necessarily need to be shared. If someone acts in a way that is a dealbreaker for me, it isn't my fault for not telling them, if they naturally exhibit this behavior then we are not a match. Do you get what I'm saying? It's like saying I need to make it clear to a man that hitting me is a dealbreaker BEFORE he hits me, because if I don't tell him before that that's a dealbreaker then how would he know? You seem to be arguing that because you didn't tell your boyfriend that he shouldn't update his dating profile it wasn't "clear" and you can't fault him. This makes no sense to me. That would violate my boundary of: respect and only dating men who are invested in me and aren't looking around. I shouldn't need to tell someone that...which is what everyone else has been saying to you. That some things can be ultimatums and negotiable but making someone respect and want only you are not things you can negotiate about, it exists or doesn't and it wasn't because you didn't tell him why he's doing this. It's because he doesn't respect you or isn't that into you. Why would you need to tell a man that he needs to not update his dating profile?? I currently have a boyfriend whom I also met online and I cannot fathom me having to tell him it's not okay to update his dating profile....and I can't fathom if he did and I saw, my response is "Well I never told him it would be a dealbreaker so how would he know???" I mean it's silly and goes exactly against what boundaries are Gaeta....a boundary is INTERNAL. It isn't a contract, which is what you think. You speak about it like a contract which is only valid if spelled out and the person knows. That isn't a boundary. I can break up with anyone at anytime who violates what I feel it is to be treated well and with respect...I don't need to spell out every instance of what it is to be disrespectful in order to do so. In fact...a dealbreaker is being with a man whom I have to educate on BASIC manners and common sense. I don't get how it is not common sense and common decency that a committed man wouldn't update his dating profile without being told??? In any event, sounds like you are hellbent on giving this man a chance so have at it. You will learn either way. But one thing I do know is, if your new relationship requires several threads on LS to discuss and clarify and complain (about similar things)...it is already going down the wrong path and you may be holding on for dear life to something that you already know is more trouble than its worth. 11
RonaldS Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 My ex-wife gave me the ultimatum of 'We either need to get married or move on'. The relevant info to take from that comment is the use of the prefix 'ex'.
Author Gaeta Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 My ex-wife gave me the ultimatum of 'We either need to get married or move on'. The relevant info to take from that comment is the use of the prefix 'ex'. If her title is ex-wife then you did marry her didn't you ?! Because at the time going along with the ultimatum was more important to you than losing her. My bf could have refused to delete his profile. He's not the first man I ask to take his profile down. Some did it with no complain and we had no problems profile-related after that, others refused and I moved along to another man.
Leigh 87 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 My trust issues are mild, but they are present. I am just very fed up with BS. His trust issues are serious. He has always been cheated on and he believes 90% of women cheat. As for being in love, we've been dating for 2 months, we like each other very much but no one is in love here. I need much more time and so does he. It depends which sort of love you are seeking.... Guys I know fall head over heels for a girl and were in love by 2 months. Or NOT long after. 3 - 4 months tops. Do you not think that if he met the right girl who he was NUTS about, he wouldn't be totally smitten by now? 1
Author Gaeta Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 In any event, sounds like you are hellbent on giving this man a chance so have at it. You will learn either way. But one thing I do know is, if your new relationship requires several threads on LS to discuss and clarify and complain (about similar things)...it is already going down the wrong path and you may be holding on for dear life to something that you already know is more trouble than its worth. I am not hellbent on anything. I am observing what's next. I am not ignoring these advices but I have to also trust my instinct, and give some consideration to the people around me here that have a first row seat in my life and are telling me I have a good thing going and to slow down on the eject pedal. It's not a matter of closing my eyes, or giving him a chance. I am not there. I am letting the dust fall and see what will be his next move and his next words.
Author Gaeta Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 It depends which sort of love you are seeking.... Guys I know fall head over heels for a girl and were in love by 2 months. Or NOT long after. 3 - 4 months tops. Do you not think that if he met the right girl who he was NUTS about, he wouldn't be totally smitten by now? Doesn't work that way all the time Leigh: We both fell head over heels before, got the divorce certificates to prove it, many gf and bf disappointing us, he's got a history of women cheating on him, I got a history of men falling fast and then disappearing. No I don't find it unusual that we're not completely smitten with each other. I think about him a lot, I miss him after a couple of days. He tells me the same, he tells me he wishes we could see each other each day he always wants to see me. What else can I ask after 2 months? 1
HappyLove Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Gaeta! We've been telling you this guy is shady since marriage gate! You had tons of excuses in that thread also. After all you've done to meet a good man why are you settling now? Funny he couldn't figure out how to delete it before but was able to get it done so fast. I think you take this as a good sign and it's not! 4
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