Gaeta Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Quick summary: Been dating this man for 2 months. We had the exclusivity talk quite early on. I deleted my profile from pof and he said his was still on, he tried to delete it before but can't find where. He says anyway he doesn't go on it anymore. I told him to check the help section. I left it at that, as long as he was not using it I did not care much and thought eventually he would delete it. Once in a while I would search his nickname and never once he used his profile the past 2 months, except this weekend. Late afternoon I decide to check his nickname and huge surprise he had put up a new picture. I recognized the picture from last weekend so he had just changed his picture. I did not wait, I told him right away. He had no explanation at all to offer. He just said he was not looking for another woman and nothing was going on. So I gave him an ultimatum, knowing very well they don't work. I told him if he wanted to see me again he has to delete him. I had been flexible at first but for me to continue investing time and feelings in him this thing needed to go away. He did not comment he just said: OK We did not speak again and at around 21h30 he sent me a good night. The profile is still up this morning.
Emilia Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I don't use ultimatums anymore because I think if I say that something really bothers me, that should be enough. If it's not enough then we have nothing to talk about because we are clearly not compatible. 11
acrosstheuniverse Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Sorry but he isn't interested. Nobody who is genuinely into the person they're dating maintains a profile on a dating site, especially when they're updating their profile! Maybe to begin with he was into you but it still seems lukewarm to me and this new development tells me that he's decide to continue the search. 9
acrosstheuniverse Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Also, do you really want a man you have to persuade to be faithful and exclusive? 5
Author Gaeta Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 I asked this other man I had dated 1 year, he had taken 3 months to take his profile down and I had given him an ultimatum too. When I asked him about it yesterday he started laughing and said he had taken his profile down because he felt it was time, not because I had given him an ultimatum even if it appeared he was following my ultimatum. I don't think this current guy will take his profile down. Unfortunately I will have to follow through with my threat and not see him again.
Author Gaeta Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 Also, do you really want a man you have to persuade to be faithful and exclusive? I just want a genuine man, I have been looking for 3 years, met 100+ men, and none turned out to be genuine. Now my attitude is sh1.t of get off the pot. 2
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Quick summary: Been dating this man for 2 months. We had the exclusivity talk quite early on. I deleted my profile from pof and he said his was still on, he tried to delete it before but can't find where. He says anyway he doesn't go on it anymore. I told him to check the help section. I left it at that, as long as he was not using it I did not care much and thought eventually he would delete it. Once in a while I would search his nickname and never once he used his profile the past 2 months, except this weekend. Late afternoon I decide to check his nickname and huge surprise he had put up a new picture. I recognized the picture from last weekend so he had just changed his picture. I did not wait, I told him right away. He had no explanation at all to offer. He just said he was not looking for another woman and nothing was going on. So I gave him an ultimatum, knowing very well they don't work. I told him if he wanted to see me again he has to delete him. I had been flexible at first but for me to continue investing time and feelings in him this thing needed to go away. He did not comment he just said: OK We did not speak again and at around 21h30 he sent me a good night. The profile is still up this morning. Didn't need an ultimatum honey, he's acting shadey. If he wasn't using it he obviously wouldn't have put a new picture up. Not looking anymore you don't need a profile at all let alone update it. You deserve better... Let him go and find someone else to play with. 2
Author Gaeta Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 I just checked again before turning my computer off and he took down his pictures and delete all the details. 2
xxoo Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Ultimatums work if the goal is understanding exactly where you stand, but no, they don't work in terms of changing people. Isn't it better to know exactly where you stand? It would be no good to have to force and police him, anyway. 4
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Sorry to hear that, Gaeta. It would definitely be a red flag for me if he was not only still active, but posting new photos. I keep my profile to participate in the forums only and it states that and I have pics of me and my guy up, so I rarely get messages or logon to that part of the site. If he's still trying to keep his options open, then I would gracefully bow out as well. I think it's good that you let him know where you stand immediately.
gaius Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 An ultimatum is a sign of weakness on your part. If the behavior is abhorrent enough to dump them over then dump them outright. It's like if another country invaded and you just sat around telling them to go away or else. It's not something that breeds respect. And a guy isn't going to value you if he doesn't respect you. 9
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I just checked again before turning my computer off and he took down his pictures and delete all the details. But does that make it better for you? You shouldn't have had to give him that ultimatum. As you've told me in the past. If he wanted too he would have, now you've busted him it's down? Doesn't make it ok 3
martaldn Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I just checked again before turning my computer off and he took down his pictures and delete all the details. this is a good sign... i guess..?
mammasita Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I just checked again before turning my computer off and he took down his pictures and delete all the details. In his defense, It really is a pain to delete your profile if you're not a computer savvy person. I had to google how to delete my POF and my BF had me send him instructions. On the flip side - WHY the new profile pic? 1
Emilia Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I just checked again before turning my computer off and he took down his pictures and delete all the details. So ultimatums do work then
Author Gaeta Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 An ultimatum is a sign of weakness on your part. If the behavior is abhorrent enough to dump them over then dump them outright. It's like if another country invaded and you just sat around telling them to go away or else. It's not something that breeds respect. And a guy isn't going to value you if he doesn't respect you. I felt it was not a 'dump him' immediately situation because I knew of his profile and never verbalized where my limits were.
JourneyLady Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Let me put it to you this way. You want someone who is in love with you. Someone who is in love is not out there looking. There are other ways to meet "friends" besides dating sites. If you're in love, you'll want friends who will be friends with the two of you because two people in love tend to assume it will last. (Not that they don't have separate friends, but new friends tend to be people in common.) Someone in love will want to take all profiles down. (I may be falling for a guy myself and am starting to do this already on other sites than the one we are on.... He is not checking his profile very often and may only be checking to see if I am...) Ultimatums just mean he'll take it down and put it up someplace else. One guy I dated did that, even though it was supposedly his idea to take his profile down. Now see, you're going to have to keep checking other sites, making the job harder for yourself. Your "relationship" has just become more work, rather than the joyful play it should be... If I were in that position again, I'd start backing off... communicating less... seeing him less and see what happens. If the profile remains, I'd simply just say that it's not going to work. As it is, he appears to have done what you requested, but is probably inwardly resentful about it and may even be deceptive and put it up someplace else. Resentment is a relationship killer. You're settling for someone who either hasn't quite grown up or is not in love with you. 7
Author Gaeta Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 In his defense, It really is a pain to delete your profile if you're not a computer savvy person. I had to google how to delete my POF and my BF had me send him instructions. On the flip side - WHY the new profile pic? I know they keep that section well hidden and you have to confirm and reconfirm you want it deleted. Once I thought I had deleted till I started receiving notifications, the profile was still on ! I asked him why the new picture and I got no answer, just that nothing is going on. Maybe he's too embarrassed to say it was an ego boost.
Emilia Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I know they keep that section well hidden and you have to confirm and reconfirm you want it deleted. Once I thought I had deleted till I started receiving notifications, the profile was still on ! I asked him why the new picture and I got no answer, just that nothing is going on. Maybe he's too embarrassed to say it was an ego boost. Make no excuses Gaeta. Must remember that. 9
Chocolat Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I asked him why the new picture and I got no answer, just that nothing is going on. Maybe he's too embarrassed to say it was an ego boost. I tend to think it is something. But, even if it "just" an ego boost, what does that say? If he needs attention from other women in order to feed his ego, how far will he take it?
Author Gaeta Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 Make no excuses Gaeta. Must remember that. You are right. I am sure him and I will talk about this again. We're having a cool down moment now. The other issue that came up is he convinced himself that I saw his profile by accident while searching for men. He was working all weekend and asked if I was on there because I didn't get enough of his attention cause of his busy weekend. That was mind blowing! That ship didn't sail very far.
Emilia Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 The other issue that came up is he convinced himself that I saw his profile by accident while searching for men. He was working all weekend and asked if I was on there because I didn't get enough of his attention cause of his busy weekend. That was mind blowing! That ship didn't sail very far. I can see how you have trust issues for both sides. He might be still leaving the country after all. 2 months is a very short time to have so much tested.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 You can force a man to take his profile down but you can't force a man to love you. 7
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 You are right. I am sure him and I will talk about this again. We're having a cool down moment now. The other issue that came up is he convinced himself that I saw his profile by accident while searching for men. He was working all weekend and asked if I was on there because I didn't get enough of his attention cause of his busy weekend. That was mind blowing! That ship didn't sail very far. I'm not sure how genuine he is. Counter attack is a great manipulation tactic. 5
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 You are right. I am sure him and I will talk about this again. We're having a cool down moment now. The other issue that came up is he convinced himself that I saw his profile by accident while searching for men. He was working all weekend and asked if I was on there because I didn't get enough of his attention cause of his busy weekend. That was mind blowing! That ship didn't sail very far. That screams guilt!! I remember my ex husband doing this, when I caught him he accused me!! Turns out he was messing around and I wasn't. It is a very typical sign of guilt to place blame or fault with the other person. 5
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