Koans Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 (edited) We broke up on feb 28th. I stopped contact on april 4th and said my "final good bye". Long story short. I proposed a big commitment of her coming to live in my city with me in my new condo. She later says, "dont wait for me". Week later she says She needs space and a week after that she gets with a guy. In my email on april 4th, it was in regards to how I felt betrayed and how it was insult to injury by getting with someone else so quickly. With the inability to differentiate if it was an emotional affair or a straight up rebound. I seriously dont even know if theirs an effin difference. The call... I called her on april 24th. Considering that I was not sure if she had evil intents to emotionally cheat on me or that if she ran into the arms of a friend who had a thing for her to mask her pain, I took the high road. April 21st was her bday. This is what I basically said in the call to shorten it up... "Hey, I just want to say happy birthday april 21st. I always remembered. I totally looked at the big picture and I understand you. Dont feel guilty for anything. That was my emotions talking. Taking some time to recover, I looked at both sides of us especially in understanding your point of view, especially from a females perspective and the result of what happened. I hold no grudges and no regrets. Because of you I grew. Mentally and emotionally. Everything is all good. I tried to look at it by being in your shoes in the whole relationship. Yes I did sometimes make you feel like I was pushing you away. And not saying I LOVE YOU's enough. But dont look at it face value, read between the lines. No guy would easily be able to fill this shoes this long. We have so many strong qualities so I know you didnt intentionally do anything shady at the end. Just learn and grow through this experience on this path never traveled. I wouldnt want to take you back anyways without you experiencing more in life. Ima do me, You do you. Talk to you later. *hug*" Do you think im trippin? Feedback appreciated. Side note: Every time I tried to make it sound like were totally over. She would never say "bye" to me back. She confessed she doesnt want to say bye, so she replaces it with, "talk to you later", when we hang up. She knows I dont want to be her friend. So shes fully aware that Im not going to be a safety net or communicate with her while shes in this "rebound". Idk if that means anything. Edited April 28, 2014 by Koans
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 We broke up on feb 28th. I stopped contact on april 4th and said my "final good bye". Long story short. I proposed a big commitment of her coming to live in my city with me in my new condo. She later says, "dont wait for me". Week later she says She needs space and a week after that she gets with a guy. In my email on april 4th, it was in regards to how I felt betrayed and how it was insult to injury by getting with someone else so quickly. With the inability to differentiate if it was an emotional affair or a straight up rebound. I seriously dont even know if theirs an effin difference. The call... I called her on april 24th. Considering that I was not sure if she had evil intents to emotionally cheat on me or that if she ran into the arms of a friend who had a thing for her to mask her pain, I took the high road. April 21st was her bday. This is what I basically said in the call to shorten it up... "Hey, I just want to say happy birthday april 21st. I always remembered. I totally looked at the big picture and I understand you. Dont feel guilty for anything. That was my emotions talking. Taking some time to recover, I looked at both sides of us especially in understanding your point of view, especially from a females perspective and the result of what happened. I hold no grudges and no regrets. Because of you I grew. Mentally and emotionally. Everything is all good. I tried to look at it by being in your shoes in the whole relationship. Yes I did sometimes make you feel like I was pushing you away. And not saying I LOVE YOU's enough. But dont look at it face value, read between the lines. No guy would easily be able to fill this shoes this long. We have so many strong qualities so I know you didnt intentionally do anything shady at the end. Just learn and grow through this experience on this path never traveled. I wouldnt want to take you back anyways without you experiencing more in life. Ima do me, You do you. Talk to you later. *hug*" Do you think im trippin? Feedback appreciated. That was awful. Reeks of depression, bitterness, and being clingy. You might think it was a call of getting things off your chest, but it did the exact opposite. Wish you really thought that out before you did that. Since it already happened, you just have to move on. Dont contact her anymore for the love god. Learn from it like most have already.
Brett Favre Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 She has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). STAY AWAY! Under no circumstances do you contact her again. You are giving her narcissistic supply and she is dragging you to hell to thank you. Ive been through this before man. Trust me, do not ever contact her again. All the best.
Author Koans Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 I dont see where I sound clingy. I was actually trying to be forgiving. Mainly coz she left the relationship saying she was confused. I didnt like the idea of her feeling tormented and pulled in many directions. One side of the coin she likes some one but is thinking of me. The other side of the coin, she carries a guilt coz of what I told her. I even said at the end that I wouldnt want to take her back right away anyways. I dont see whats the problem.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 (edited) I dont see where I sound clingy. I was actually trying to be forgiving. Mainly coz she left the relationship saying she was confused. I didnt like the idea of her feeling tormented and pulled in many directions. One side of the coin she likes some one but is thinking of me. The other side of the coin, she carries a guilt coz of what I told her. I even said at the end that I wouldnt want to take her back right away anyways. I dont see whats the problem. Yeah, one side enough that likes someone and ISNT with you. She is REALLY thinking of you isnt she? Yeah, I bet she feels guilty lol. All your other threads you claimed she was cheating on you and you sat there and wrote threads asking why girls "validate their reasons for breaking up" and whatever. And yet....here you are calling here "forgiving" her. We told you in your thread about sending an e-mail that it was awful. Same premise here....in fact, this is worse. You also said you'd stay silent...I see that didnt go over either. The problem is you are still attached. You are still there. Sending ANYTHING to her shows that you are attached. Writing "I wouldnt take you back anyway" screams "I would take you back any minute you wanted, I'm just trying to act like I dont care" I dont care, but yet I call you to tel you I dont care lol. She is "experiencing life", as you say, with other people. You know a way to show her you "forgive her and move on?" DON'T TALK TO HER AND ACTUALLY MOVING ON. If she "knows you aren't going to be the safety net" or whatever, then leave her alone. You communicating with her like you did just reinforces that you're cool with just hanging around. The relationship is done, so ACTUALLY moving on is what needs to happen. Its probably hard for you to see it, but if I stranger who you never met can see this, I can promise you she does. So, to answer your question, yes you are "trippin" or whatever Edited April 28, 2014 by ConfusedHumanBeing
Author Koans Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 (edited) I get what your saying as far as still caring for her. And maybe I always will coz she was once very special to me. But trust me, their is know ambiguous meaning. Saying one thing doesnt scream another. I wouldnt take her back immediately. In the beginning I did coz it was all still fresh. But the longer shes with this guy, the more Im getting turned off of the idea of her. The "special" of her is just dying. And plus, the idea of taking her back quickly seems like a hoe ass move. Like shes some chick getting passed around. That shhiiiit is a turn off. And me forgiving her was for me. Coz I was bitter. So forgiving her would take away my anger and help put me in balance. And also for her not to see me as some bitter ex. Its also a passive strategy for her to clear her stupid head already so she can start seeing the big picture and analyze the situation. I do believe in giving her a second chance. But maturely and slowly as hell like a snail. And btw, I wasnt bitter or angry anymore when I made that call. That call was made on a clear conscious. So I meant every word. I do regret if I band aid too much crap, that it would make her think it was excusable in how she ended it. Which is what I do not want. But at the end of the day, its me who chooses if I want to be with her. The me now that is speaking, and the me then, on the day she breaks up with this guy will be 2 different ME's as far as my perspective goes. So who knows. Edited April 28, 2014 by Koans
Brett Favre Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 You are validating negative behavior. I know it is hard to get past the blow to the ego and the constant thoughts of her with another man. Im currently going through the same feelings. But, the fact is that what is best is to focus your mind on something else. Dont dwell. I believe seeking counseling should be your next step.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I get what your saying as far as still caring for her. And maybe I always will coz she was once very special to me. But trust me, their is know ambiguous meaning. Saying one thing doesnt scream another. I wouldnt take her back immediately. In the beginning I did coz it was all still fresh. But the longer shes with this guy, the more Im getting turned off of the idea of her. The "special" of her is just dying. And plus, the idea of taking her back quickly seems like a hoe ass move. Like shes some chick getting passed around. That shhiiiit is a turn off. And me forgiving her was for me. Coz I was bitter. So forgiving her would take away my anger and help put me in balance. And also for her not to see me as some bitter ex. Its also a passive strategy for her to clear her stupid head already so she can start seeing the big picture and analyze the situation. I do believe in giving her a second chance. But maturely and slowly as hell like a snail. Yes, saying one thing can scream another lol. Maybe not to you, but it does to other people. You obviously know what you were trying to convey, and you may or may not care actually, but it can be perceived by others as caring. If you HONESTLY didnt care, you wouldnt take the time to call her and tell her that. It would be just another day and you'd go on not caring. Again, you obviously cared what she thought about you to call her and make sure you werent the "bitter ex." She can "clear things' on her own without your help. She doesnt need passive strategy help from you. She has already moved on from it. You keep writing "I wouldnt take her back because of _______" ...but there is honestly no reason to think she'd ever come back. Doing things like you did will keep her away, I do know that.
Kelly_ann Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 you just messed up any chances of ever getting back with her period, even if you did or didn't, but at the end of the day you gave her the upper hand.
Jiivy Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I understand where you're coming from. We had a big commitment on the horizon this year (marriage, moving back in together etc etc) and she also felt "confused". I ALSO caved in a similar/ish fashion, telling her that I suppose since she was so unhappy, this split was best for the both of us, that she needed to find herself...that's before she ran off with some guy who'd been sniffing round her, just 2 weeks later. Can you honestly tell me that her going to be with this dude bothers you? Is it REALLY ok in your books? I tell you what - whether I have control over her choices or not, her actions crushed me and disrespected the 7 years we worked at our relationship. Don't feed her anymore. Love is one thing, but we shouldn't fold ourselves over to our partner when they're THAT hurtful to us... What she did is not ok. You want her to see you as understanding, that's fine. The side effect is that she gets to absolve herself from guilt and walk away. Perhaps in time she'll change her mind, but these things can never really be guessed. What I do know that all you have left is your sense of self and THAT is something you need to retain. NC. It will give you the distance you need, believe me.
Author Koans Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 The phone call that LS people said I ****ed up... "Hey, I just want to say happy birthday april 21st. I always remembered. I totally looked at the big picture and I understand you. Dont feel guilty for anything. That was my emotions talking. Taking some time to recover, I looked at both sides of us especially in understanding your point of view, especially from a females perspective and the result of what happened. I hold no grudges and no regrets. Because of you I grew. Mentally and emotionally. Everything is all good. I tried to look at it by being in your shoes in the whole relationship. Yes I did sometimes make you feel like I was pushing you away. And not saying I LOVE YOU's enough. But dont look at it face value, read between the lines. No guy would easily be able to fill this shoes this long. We have so many strong qualities so I know you didnt intentionally do anything shady at the end. Just learn and grow through this experience on this path never traveled. I wouldnt want to take you back anyways without you experiencing more in life. Ima do me, You do you. Talk to you later. *hug*" So I texted her immediately after in what I really felt... "Hey idk if i said too much, in short I forgive but i dont excuse. It helps me move on without feeling bitter. Which moving on is what you want me to do so im confused about the, "talk to you later" part. I think you still dont know what you want. Some days Im forgiving and other days I see us beyond repair. Im good either way. I think because I always answer complicated things for you, that you've been co-dependent on me explaining the big picture to you all the time. Not to be mean but hit me up when you have analyzed everything and if you are satisfied. If you can live with it, i dont expect to hear from you anymore. w/e makes you happy. And you said I brought negativity and you dont see urself pursuing me anymore so what are you holding on to. I could tell you so much more of whats on my mind but its ok." Better? I dont plan to respond to her anymore for a long while.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 The phone call that LS people said I ****ed up... "Hey, I just want to say happy birthday april 21st. I always remembered. I totally looked at the big picture and I understand you. Dont feel guilty for anything. That was my emotions talking. Taking some time to recover, I looked at both sides of us especially in understanding your point of view, especially from a females perspective and the result of what happened. I hold no grudges and no regrets. Because of you I grew. Mentally and emotionally. Everything is all good. I tried to look at it by being in your shoes in the whole relationship. Yes I did sometimes make you feel like I was pushing you away. And not saying I LOVE YOU's enough. But dont look at it face value, read between the lines. No guy would easily be able to fill this shoes this long. We have so many strong qualities so I know you didnt intentionally do anything shady at the end. Just learn and grow through this experience on this path never traveled. I wouldnt want to take you back anyways without you experiencing more in life. Ima do me, You do you. Talk to you later. *hug*" So I texted her immediately after in what I really felt... "Hey idk if i said too much, in short I forgive but i dont excuse. It helps me move on without feeling bitter. Which moving on is what you want me to do so im confused about the, "talk to you later" part. I think you still dont know what you want. Some days Im forgiving and other days I see us beyond repair. Im good either way. I think because I always answer complicated things for you, that you've been co-dependent on me explaining the big picture to you all the time. Not to be mean but hit me up when you have analyzed everything and if you are satisfied. If you can live with it, i dont expect to hear from you anymore. w/e makes you happy. And you said I brought negativity and you dont see urself pursuing me anymore so what are you holding on to. I could tell you so much more of whats on my mind but its ok." Better? I dont plan to respond to her anymore for a long while. 1st- Why did you create a new thread for the SAME situation? 2nd- NO NO NO!!!!! What part of "Dont contact her" are you not understanding lol. You are VASTLY over correcting and over-analyzing and looking much more desperate . The e-mail you wanted to send was bad, the call was awful, and this is the worst. She probably read that and had the "Does he not get the hint" look. You cannot fix this. You cannot make her think about you differently. All you are doing is making things SO much worse. She is probably demoralizing you in her head to the point of no return. Quit harassing the girl! I'm sorry dude, but you keep putting gas on a fire that was burnt out LONG ago. I usually don't promote on this site, but Tara did a nice reboot of the "No Contact" guide that is hitting up this site a lot recently. Give this a look http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide 1
Author Koans Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 First of all. Its not like Im bugging her coz shes the one who cant get off the phone with me when I say ok ima get off. Its like shes still attached. I gives a *** if i screwed up. Who gives a shiiiit. I already let her know wats up. U keep thinkin its on some double meaning shiiittt. drop that bs thinking. Everything is face value in what i speak.
Author Koans Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 this is for you if you didnt get the hint...the extended version.. Btw I felt kinda offended u didnt respond to the last email. Its almost like it was either true or you didnt care. It was bad enough you jumped into another relationship so quickly. Its like you disrespected the break up. You're just making this whole thing worse. Im done fighting for you. Call that a breaking point.
WhiteTan Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 (edited) Unless she was born yesterday, she's gonna see right through this. If you have to go out of your way to tell your ex that you're over it, it'll be obvious to her and everybody else that you clearly aren't. When you're moving on, you don't gotta talk about it because your actions will speak all the way for you. If you feel like you made the right choice, you have no reason to ask others for feedback and validation about what you did. You obviously know you made yourself look bad but it is what it is at this point. Now the question is, will you do it again next week and make yourself look even more desperate or will you leave it where it is and call it good? Edited April 28, 2014 by WhiteTan 2
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 (edited) First of all. Its not like Im bugging her coz shes the one who cant get off the phone with me when I say ok ima get off. Its like shes still attached. I gives a *** if i screwed up. Who gives a shiiiit. I already let her know wats up. U keep thinkin its on some double meaning shiiittt. drop that bs thinking. Everything is face value in what i speak. *face palm* You DID send that e-mail?!?!?!?! Good gravy.... You are getting really defensive and thats whatever but listen. Okay.....I'll put it to you like this. If she wanted to be with you, she would be. She left you for another guy that she was talking to while she was still with you. She keeps feeding you bulls*** things to make her feel less guilty about it. Happens ALL the time. You have now taken that to the 100th extreme on this. You (now) sent an e-mail, a phone call, and a message. She DOESNT give a s*** about "you letting her know wats up." She DOESNT care. She is not "attached" because if she was, she would be with you. ALL you are doing with each message is making yourself look like you can't move on. That is the long and short of it. You could say ANYTHING in the message, but the words dont mean a thing. It's just sending ANYTHING that is the actual message. What did she say about your e-mail, phone call, and message? How did she reply? DID she reply? Take the hint man. She is not still "attached" because she wont say "goodbye" or whatever you tried to say. She is IMMATURE. You are trying to rationalize something that is irrational. Put the shovel down You keep contacting her for WHAT reason? What good is keep contacting her and her not answering? You keep telling me there is no reason, but clearly there is a motive. The only road you are on currently is a blocked number and restraining order. Edited April 28, 2014 by ConfusedHumanBeing 1
Author Koans Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 well yea she replied on the phone. I was on the phone with her for about 45 mins 4 days ago. She was saying I appreciate it and thank u and how she doesnt want to say bye to me. I know i know, incase this monkey bf of hers doesnt work out. Well that was my reply back to the text. Coz she ends it with "talk to u later" instead. So if u read the "Text". I said, if u wanted for me to move on, wth is the "Talk to u later" about.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 well yea she replied on the phone. I was on the phone with her for about 45 mins 4 days ago. She was saying I appreciate it and thank u and how she doesnt want to say bye to me. I know i know, incase this monkey bf of hers doesnt work out. Well that was my reply back to the text. Coz she ends it with "talk to u later" instead. So if u read the "Text". I said, if u wanted for me to move on, wth is the "Talk to u later" about. *sigh* You can keep tell me all these stories, but it doesnt mean ANYTHING. They are just words and no action. You are reading way too much into it. She is saying very generic "I'm sorry you feel bad and I'm trying to be nice, but I dont want this anymore" stuff to you. Again, very simple, if she wanted to be with you, she would be with you. No confusing text, no wondering, and defiantly NO OTHER GUY! She doesnt care that you are speaking your mind and telling her your side of the story. All she cares about is her side and will take that with her. I can imagine that she probably (or will) tell her new guy and they will probably snicker at how bad you are coming off. You are altering your reputation that she has about you in her eyes to places you cannot come back from. EVERYTHING you are doing is making things SO much more worse. There will only be anger, awkwardness, and bitterness with what you are doing. NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF SENDING ANYTHING. You keep poking the hornets nets with a stick, the hornet will come out and sting you. It's over man. It sucks, but take the hit, quit contacting her, and move on. 1
WhiteTan Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 (edited) Why ask for our opinions if you're literally just gonna ignore and argue with everybody trying to help you? You obviously know your situation better than we do so keep writing essays to your ex girlfriend, have fun with that bye Edited April 28, 2014 by WhiteTan
KaliLove Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 well yea she replied on the phone. I was on the phone with her for about 45 mins 4 days ago. She was saying I appreciate it and thank u and how she doesnt want to say bye to me. I know i know, incase this monkey bf of hers doesnt work out. Well that was my reply back to the text. Coz she ends it with "talk to u later" instead. So if u read the "Text". I said, if u wanted for me to move on, wth is the "Talk to u later" about. Of course she doesn't want to say goodbye. You're chasing after her (despite what you say, because actions speak louder than words and your actions say that you're going to keep waiting around for her) and making her feel awesome while she gets to run around sleeping with another dude guilt-free. She essentially has both of you right now..she's feeling fantastic! I agree with everyone else. The phone calls, texts, and emails were all mistakes. Just stop now.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Of course she doesn't want to say goodbye. You're chasing after her (despite what you say, because actions speak louder than words and your actions say that you're going to keep waiting around for her) and making her feel awesome while she gets to run around sleeping with another dude guilt-free. She essentially has both of you right now..she's feeling fantastic! I agree with everyone else. The phone calls, texts, and emails were all mistakes. Just stop now. Nailed it.
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