Hopefulandinlove Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 (edited) My husband of 14 years had an emotional affair with kissing for 6 months with a distant relative of mine. It happened during my 7th month of pregnancy until baby was about 3 months old. the last trimester I was on bedrest and he started telling me "Im no longer in love with you" and other typical saying of a cheater. The baby was sick for the first two months and he did almost nothing to help me. He claims the affair had nothing to do with my pregnancy or the baby. He said he just needed a different life but after he "came out of the fog" he realized how much he wanted to be with me and how sorry he is. He started therapy on his own and is trying hard to fix things between us. He's telling me all I ask to hear and things I never asked too. We tried very long for this baby. We were on fertility treatments. I'm not sure if I have any specific questions for everyone. I just want opinions. I'm so lost about what to do. We are in therapy together which is going well. We have a great relationship and home life. He is trying to make up for not bing there for me during the beginning of the baby. I just am not sure what I am supposed to be looking out for or something. If I'm doing the right thing by still asking questions or should I be dropping the subject by now. It ended about a little over a month ago. Edited April 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Add paragraphs and edit title for clarity
MuddyRock Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 It was not an emotional affair. Don't let him minimize it. The kissing made it physical. I must say though don't be so sure it wasn't physical. Once you start kissing its pretty hard to stop. especially if it was 6 months long. 1
Author Hopefulandinlove Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 It was not an emotional affair. Don't let him minimize it. The kissing made it physical. I must say though don't be so sure it wasn't physical. Once you start kissing its pretty hard to stop. especially if it was 6 months long. Thanks for the reply. You're right. That did make it physical. He's not saying emotional- I am. I guess I'm just trying to make myself feel better about it even though I know it's physical. I'm not sure how to find out for definite if it was "physical physical" and not just kissing. They both have been very strong about it only being kidding. Even in therapy.
whatatangledweb Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 You talk about it until you no longer want to talk about it. A month is such a small amount of time after the betrayal. You can work it out if you work together. You need to talk about it. Have him answer all your questions. I asked the same questions over and over. A remorseful spouse will be willing to answer them even though it is hard for them to do so. A good person can make bad choices that hurt us very deeply. It is up to you to decide if the good years and the good man outweigh the bad and is worth a second chance. I wish you the best.
Davey L Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 To my mind an affair is forgiveable. Failing to take proper care of a pregnant woman, or woman with small baby, is not. 2
Author Hopefulandinlove Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 You talk about it until you no longer want to talk about it. A month is such a small amount of time after the betrayal. You can work it out if you work together. You need to talk about it. Have him answer all your questions. I asked the same questions over and over. A remorseful spouse will be willing to answer them even though it is hard for them to do so. A good person can make bad choices that hurt us very deeply. It is up to you to decide if the good years and the good man outweigh the bad and is worth a second chance. I wish you the best. Thank you. That makes me feel better about asking the same questions again and again. Is there any questions that I should be asking? Any things he should be doing to prove he's remorseful and won't do this again? I'm so afraid of this happening to be in a couple of years when he forgets how bad he feels now about the affair.
2sunny Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Have him take a polygraph. You need to know what really happened! That will answer your questions. Cheaters usually minimize what happened.
Try Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 (edited) I'm not sure how to find out for definite if it was "physical physical" and not just kissing. They both have been very strong about it only being kidding. Even in therapy. According to the MSNBC.com/iVillage Lust, Love & Loyalty survey, “Few cheaters — only 2 percent — were busted in the act. And even when confronted with a partner's suspicions, only 6 percent of both men and women confessed to having an affair.” What this is saying is that cheaters will almost always lie to their spouse about their cheating, and will almost never admit to having sex outside of their marriage. This is the norm for cheaters, and you should not expect that your spouse will ever admit to more than he has to too about his affair. Since you will not get either of them to admit to the truth about their cheating, you must use common sense and logic to determine what happened. Common sense and logic says that they are not in high school where they have had little sexual experience. They are adults that would not stop at kissing once they decided that they had feels for each other enough to secretly enter into a romantic relationship. Bottom line, they had full on sex. It is just unreasonable for them to expect for you to beleive otherwise. Tell your husband that you want the full truth and that he has to stop with the lies if he wants to stay in this marriage. Also demand full no contact with this other woman for the rest of his life. Edited May 10, 2014 by Try
sunburned Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 first of all, I am very sorry this happened to you. Obviously there is no way for me to know what really happened with your H and his AP. But I just wanted to tell you it's very possible it didn't go beyond kissing. I had a 6 month EA/PA that involved kissing but not sex ... which makes him a MM who had an A that involved kissing but not sex, just what your H is claiming. Some cheaters draw the line at sex. It's still bad, I'm not suggesting otherwise. I'm just saying everyone has a line they won't cross. Some are closer to the finish line than others.
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