jaliya Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 (edited) My boyfriend and I been together for 1 year and 3 months. About 2 months ago his behavior towards me changed. When I asked him what was going on he said that he was getting bored with the relationship but wanted to work things out. Things have improved a bit lately, but I started noticing other things. When we went out on a date two weeks ago, he got a text message, he immediately angled his phone away from me. What I THINK I saw was a text message from someone with a very long name. When I asked him who it was, he said it was his friend who only has TWO letters in his name and a very short last name. Later I noticed that he changed the pass code to his phone (after I asked him about the text message). He still angles his phone away from me when he gets texts. He doesn't let me use his phone for more than a minute and never lets his phone out of his sight. He had his phone with him in the shower today (I mean, he may have been taking a dump and played on his phone before the shower, who knows)... Otherwise, he almost always has his phone face down, unless it is in his pocket. I was also folding his laundry last night and found a sock that looks too small for his foot and it was definitely not mine. I know it's not like I found a pair of panties... but still, weird? I never snooped through his phone, and honestly, I really don't want to, but the change of behavior plus this secretive phone thing just seems a bit shady to me. When we met he didn't even have a lock on his phone. He put a lock on it about half a year in. And I have never even taken an interest in his phone until now. Whenever he would get a text message, I would actually turn my head away to give him some privacy (this was before things turned shady though, now I feel like I need to have my spy hat on, unfortunately). I did ask him if there was someone else, and he said there wasn't. I just feel like he's hiding something from me. Any thoughts? Edited April 27, 2014 by jaliya
mammasita Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Trust your gut. Yes, he's hiding something. Changing the pass code, hiding his screen when he gets a message. If he won't talk, then snoop. There's ONE rule to snooping though....be ready to walk because the trust is broken. There's NO going back. 1
Author jaliya Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 If he won't talk, then snoop. There's ONE rule to snooping though....be ready to walk because the trust is broken. There's NO going back. Do you mean that I have to walk regardless of what I find? Even if I don't find anything?
mammasita Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Do you mean that I have to walk regardless of what I find? Even if I don't find anything? Well I think the facts are leaning towards him hiding something.....so I'm gonna say you'll find something. Do you guys live together? 1
Author jaliya Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 Well I think the facts are leaning towards him hiding something.....so I'm gonna say you'll find something. Do you guys live together? No, we don't live together. I am usually at his place over the weekend. Sometimes he'd come see me during the week. Is it considered snooping if I look at his messages with his permission? That's what I am thinking to do.
mammasita Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 No, we don't live together. I am usually at his place over the weekend. Sometimes he'd come see me during the week. Is it considered snooping if I look at his messages with his permission? That's what I am thinking to do. Nope, but I garuntee he'll get extremely pissed off and accuse you of not trusting him. He'll make you feel bad for even asking. If you try to ask again, he'll say yes, but he'll be smart and will have deleted any evidence.
Author jaliya Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 (edited) Nope, but I garuntee he'll get extremely pissed off and accuse you of not trusting him. He'll make you feel bad for even asking. If you try to ask again, he'll say yes, but he'll be smart and will have deleted any evidence. Yeah, I see what you are saying. My counter argument would be that if he acts that way, it means that he DOES have something to hide and that I can't trust him when he hides things from me. I may not find out the truth, but I will know that he chose to break my trust, regardless of the reason. Besides, even if I did want to snoop, it would be nearly impossible as he never leaves his phone unattended. Edited April 27, 2014 by jaliya
Author jaliya Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 Yeah, I see what you are saying. My counter argument would be that if he acts that way, it means that he DOES have something to hide and that I can't trust him when he hides things from me. I may not find out the truth, but I will know that he chose to break my trust, regardless of the reason. Besides, even if I did want to snoop, it would be nearly impossible as he never leaves his phone unattended. Well, here's an update. I got all my courage together last night and asked him about the phone thing. He said that he doesn't have anything to hide, he isn't talking to anybody and is not cheating on me. However, he also said that he is not in love with me and needs to take a break from the relationship to clear his head. We agreed on 1 month break with 1 phone call half way through. We also agreed to not see other people while we are on the break. I do not believe that he was cheating on me. I do think that I picked up on the way he felt and knew that something was really wrong. This was a good relationship and I am beyond devastated. A small part of me wants to believe that he'll turn around and we'll stay together, but I also know that there is a very slim chance of that and I won't stay with someone who doesn't love me... Nor would he stay with someone he doesn't love.
Author jaliya Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 Create a new email account it has to be yours for legal reasons. Then ask to borrow his smart phone, install SMS backup manager app (it's free) and have it send the information to the email account you created. This way when he gets phone calls, email or text messages they show up in the email account you created. This only takes a couple mins to do and it really helps keep track of liars, I do this to anyone I get serious with. Thanks, but I posted an update just above your response. No tracking necessary anymore.
acrosstheuniverse Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Sorry to hear this OP. I don't think there's much point in a break, though. He has fallen out of love with you, a month's break is only going to allow him to begin to move on (and possibly start seeing whoever this other person is that you're concerned about) while you stew. He has made it clear, he's not into the relationship anymore. A break is just a breakup for people who are too cowardly to rip the plaster off. If I were you I'd end it now because you deserve to move onto somebody who wants to be with you, and you can do a lot of healing in four weeks that you'd otherwise be spending waiting on him to come back to you. 2
stillafool Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Wow, I can only imagine how you must feel. Whatever you do do not contact him. Let him miss you as that is your only chance to get him back. If you break NC and start asking questions or demanding explanations he will move further away from you. I would probably be so hurt that he would never hear from me again.
Frank2thepoint Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Create a new email account it has to be yours for legal reasons. Then ask to borrow his smart phone, install SMS backup manager app (it's free) and have it send the information to the email account you created. This way when he gets phone calls, email or text messages they show up in the email account you created. This only takes a couple mins to do and it really helps keep track of liars, I do this to anyone I get serious with. Really? Do you really have to do this? This is some creepy sh*t. 6
Author jaliya Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 Wow, I can only imagine how you must feel. Whatever you do do not contact him. Let him miss you as that is your only chance to get him back. If you break NC and start asking questions or demanding explanations he will move further away from you. I would probably be so hurt that he would never hear from me again. He does miss me. He told me that. He cares immensely about me, I know this without a doubt. I will not contact him. I do not need any more explanations. I do not need to ask any more questions. What he said was: "If we stay together now, we will stay together. And I don't want to go into this without being 100% sure about my feelings. And I am not 100% sure right now". However, it did slip his tongue that he is not in love with me earlier in the conversation. And I do not see how it would change in a month. I will not break up with him at least for the next 2 weeks.
Author jaliya Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 Really? Do you really have to do this? This is some creepy sh*t. I double that
Lokie Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 OP, sorry you are going through this. I've been there and have been lied to on everybody and their dog's grave. I hope he is telling you the truth, but here is the real kicker to me. While you are spending this time wondering and worrying about his behavior and feelings towards you, have you checked in with YOU to see how you are feeling about all of this? It's easy to get caught up in his behavior and decisions, but if you stop to think about it all, is this someone you really want to stay in a relationship with? Someone who says he is bored and not in love with you anymore after 1.5 years? To me, this puts blame on you - indicating that you are flawed somehow or unable to maintain his interest. To this I claim: B**l****! If he were mature enough, he would say that he's just not ready for a relationship and let you go. IMO, he does not deserve all of your angst and concern because he is acting selfishly. If you do get back together, please make sure to keep some boundaries of your own that will keep you feeling safe and loved in the relationship. L. 2
Author jaliya Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 OP, sorry you are going through this. I've been there and have been lied to on everybody and their dog's grave. I hope he is telling you the truth, but here is the real kicker to me. While you are spending this time wondering and worrying about his behavior and feelings towards you, have you checked in with YOU to see how you are feeling about all of this? It's easy to get caught up in his behavior and decisions, but if you stop to think about it all, is this someone you really want to stay in a relationship with? Someone who says he is bored and not in love with you anymore after 1.5 years? To me, this puts blame on you - indicating that you are flawed somehow or unable to maintain his interest. To this I claim: B**l****! If he were mature enough, he would say that he's just not ready for a relationship and let you go. IMO, he does not deserve all of your angst and concern because he is acting selfishly. If you do get back together, please make sure to keep some boundaries of your own that will keep you feeling safe and loved in the relationship. L. He indicated very clearly that it was not about me. That I did not do anything wrong and that he knew that the issue was with him. I did not put a lot of details into my original post, as I didn't want to make it too long. Thank you for your advice, and sorry I left some things out.
serial muse Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Create a new email account it has to be yours for legal reasons. Then ask to borrow his smart phone, install SMS backup manager app (it's free) and have it send the information to the email account you created. This way when he gets phone calls, email or text messages they show up in the email account you created. This only takes a couple mins to do and it really helps keep track of liars, I do this to anyone I get serious with. :lmao: Shirley, you can't be serious. :lmao: 1
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 No, we don't live together. I am usually at his place over the weekend. Sometimes he'd come see me during the week. Is it considered snooping if I look at his messages with his permission? That's what I am thinking to do. If you ask to see his phone he will get rid of anything before you get to see it. A man is not going to openly prove he is a scumbag. I say do some snooping too, I also say you'll likely find something (my ex husband did all this and was cheating often) Be ready to say her dirtbag have a nice life. Men don't change their attitudes for no reason.
Author jaliya Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 If you ask to see his phone he will get rid of anything before you get to see it. A man is not going to openly prove he is a scumbag. I say do some snooping too, I also say you'll likely find something (my ex husband did all this and was cheating often) Be ready to say her dirtbag have a nice life. Men don't change their attitudes for no reason. Thanks for your response, but I posted a few updates after that. Snooping is no longer relevant.
serial muse Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 If it's creepy to protect myself, then guilty as charged. Facebook does this, why do most of you have FB accounts and not think it's creepy? That's just weird er lots of people do think FB is creepy actually, you must have seen all the outrage all over the news, etc. but it's still a bit different from a BF/GF creating a fake account to specifically snoop on a partner's messages. corporate creepy is also bad but then trust is not the actual basis of the relationship this is just weird OP sorry for the tj. i'm glad he didn't make it about you and took some ownership at least for the weirdness, but honestly...what he did WAS shady and he should have owned that. he isn't telling you the full truth, I'm afraid. please think very hard about whether you want him back after this cooling-off period. he was not honest with you.
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