Mondmellonw Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 (edited) Hello, everyone. Haven't been in here for a while. My last update was about my ex telling me I was the love of his life, asking me if I could take him back (I broke up with him due to his drinking and trust issues, majorly). So OK. We talked in person. We made our points clear about everything that happened in our relationship. And he felt really guilty, he even cried for the things he did wrong. But we left it there. A few days ago he messaged me telling me I was the love of his life and that he loved me like he never did with anybody else, but that he didn’t loved me anymore, and that it was a huge compromise to be with me and I didn't deserved someone as terrible as him.... but that he still cared for me and wanted to be friends. For the ones who don’t know my story, I am 20, he is 26. Is he somehow telling me this whole “You were the love of my life but I want to be friends now” to try and manipulate me some more? (he was VERY manipulative during the relationship and even after it, this concept he has about not loving the "love of his life" anymore seems odd to me, like he maybe is trying to keep some strings there, to have me as a back up plan if he changes his mind again. He is very unstable). I really do think he cares for me at some point because he said it was my choice, even when I said I wasn't against the idea of being friends, he asked me to think about it well. I replied the same way again, that I wasn't changing my mind. And since that was said, nothing. I really won't talk to him now. I don’t have the feelings I used to have for him and I feel ready to start dating some guys. I have already met new people, so… What do you think? Some friends told me it is a good idea if I am really indifferent towards him on 100%, because he will be able to see how good I am doing without him (wich actually is truth…) But in another hand, I feel like I just want to test him and find this behavior very stupid and childish... Maybe he really does want to be just friends. The only thing I know is that me thinking this much about his request is not a good sign. Any opinion will be much appreciated. Thanks. Edited April 27, 2014 by Mondmellonw
Brett Favre Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 He is keeping you as a back-up plan or a possible hook-up on a late, lonely night. It sounds to me like he has most likely started a relationship with someone else. I'm sorry if you have not thought about this possibility. When men do these things it is almost 100% certain that he has found another woman. You NEED to STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM. No matter what. You need to try to clear him from your mind. It will take time but eventually you will be successful. And, since you are a woman you should have no trouble getting back into the dating scene and finding another man who wants your love. As a man, I can speak through experience that it is nearly impossible to get over an ex in less than 6 months. There just isn't as many options out there for men. But, for women, they have a great advantage because of the social constructs that dictate interpersonal relationships. Men leaving women for another person is a very rare occurrence, and usually means that the men doing the leaving have personality disorders such as narcissism or sociopathy. But, there are so many men vying for womens attention that it is a much more common occurrence for a woman to leave a man for another person. In fact, women are 4 times more likely to file for divorce than men. You have a bright future. You are young and a woman. You will be just fine. Trust me. 1
Elle1975 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Hello, everyone. Haven't been in here for a while. My last update was about my ex telling me I was the love of his life, asking me if I could take him back (I broke up with him due to his drinking and trust issues, majorly). So OK. We talked in person. We made our points clear about everything that happened in our relationship. And he felt really guilty, he even cried for the things he did wrong. But we left it there. A few days ago he messaged me telling me I was the love of his life and that he loved me like he never did with anybody else, but that he didn’t loved me anymore, and that it was a huge compromise to be with me and I didn't deserved someone as terrible as him.... but that he still cared for me and wanted to be friends. For the ones who don’t know my story, I am 20, he is 26. Is he somehow telling me this whole “You were the love of my life but I want to be friends now” to try and manipulate me some more? (he was VERY manipulative during the relationship and even after it, this concept he has about not loving the "love of his life" anymore seems odd to me, like he maybe is trying to keep some strings there, to have me as a back up plan if he changes his mind again. He is very unstable). I really do think he cares for me at some point because he said it was my choice, even when I said I wasn't against the idea of being friends, he asked me to think about it well. I replied the same way again, that I wasn't changing my mind. And since that was said, nothing. I really won't talk to him now. I don’t have the feelings I used to have for him and I feel ready to start dating some guys. I have already met new people, so… What do you think? Some friends told me it is a good idea if I am really indifferent towards him on 100%, because he will be able to see how good I am doing without him (wich actually is truth…) But in another hand, I feel like I just want to test him and find this behavior very stupid and childish... Maybe he really does want to be just friends. The only thing I know is that me thinking this much about his request is not a good sign. Any opinion will be much appreciated. Thanks. How comfortable would be the new guy to see you hanging out with the ex? 1
Author Mondmellonw Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 He is keeping you as a back-up plan or a possible hook-up on a late, lonely night. It sounds to me like he has most likely started a relationship with someone else. I'm sorry if you have not thought about this possibility. When men do these things it is almost 100% certain that he has found another woman. You NEED to STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM. No matter what. You need to try to clear him from your mind. It will take time but eventually you will be successful. And, since you are a woman you should have no trouble getting back into the dating scene and finding another man who wants your love. As a man, I can speak through experience that it is nearly impossible to get over an ex in less than 6 months. There just isn't as many options out there for men. But, for women, they have a great advantage because of the social constructs that dictate interpersonal relationships. Men leaving women for another person is a very rare occurrence, and usually means that the men doing the leaving have personality disorders such as narcissism or sociopathy. But, there are so many men vying for womens attention that it is a much more common occurrence for a woman to leave a man for another person. In fact, women are 4 times more likely to file for divorce than men. You have a bright future. You are young and a woman. You will be just fine. Trust me. Hey, I really do find your response very helpful and interesting, Brett. I am a psychology student and 5 months ago (when we broke up) I really thought he was a very narcissistic type of person. I do think that is a possibility now more than I ever did. Wich sort of scares me. I really would like to believe he is not a bad person, but thinking about that makes me feel like I need to cut him off forever. Other woman? I don't really know, but it's also probable. I asked him and he said no. I asked mutual friends about another lady on the picture and the answer was also NO. Does he keep it on private or on "future" plans? Maybe. Thanks....
Author Mondmellonw Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 How comfortable would be the new guy to see you hanging out with the ex? Hell no. But I don't really want a BF now, because I don't like (really really like) no one so far, but you're right. It seems like a terrible idea to keep this person around.
mantlefan Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Hey, I really do find your response very helpful and interesting, Brett. I am a psychology student and 5 months ago (when we broke up) I really thought he was a very narcissistic type of person. I do think that is a possibility now more than I ever did. Wich sort of scares me. I really would like to believe he is not a bad person, but thinking about that makes me feel like I need to cut him off forever. Other woman? I don't really know, but it's also probable. I asked him and he said no. I asked mutual friends about another lady on the picture and the answer was also NO. Does he keep it on private or on "future" plans? Maybe. Thanks.... It doesn't matter whether he is good, bad, crazy, crying for help, etc. He is not good for you. As for the second thing I bolded, I asked my ex if she was starting something with my friend. "Are you and _______ starting something?" She looked me in the eye and said no. I found out later that she started actively pursuing him not even two weeks after dumping me after a 5 year RS, and now they are together. 1
Author Mondmellonw Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 It doesn't matter whether he is good, bad, crazy, crying for help, etc. He is not good for you. As for the second thing I bolded, I asked my ex if she was starting something with my friend. "Are you and _______ starting something?" She looked me in the eye and said no. I found out later that she started actively pursuing him not even two weeks after dumping me after a 5 year RS, and now they are together. Thank you, mantlefan.
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