Elle1975 Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 (edited) .. is the worst idea you could get. It's only been a week for me. I miss him, I still love him. However, I have gotten a HUGE ego boost by not contacting him. Left a bunch of my stuff over there when we broke up, not planning on doing the whole let's exchange our things back and forth. I did send him a quick email on the day of the break up telling him to stay away (mistake, maybe) and that was it. Deleted phone numbers, uninstalled Hangouts (dam thing doesn't let me take him off of it), deleted emails, pictures, etc.. I'm getting a membership at the Y, I'm planning on dating (even though what the heck, are all the men in their 40s so out of shape???), and overall moving on with my life. I still don't know if i will find someone I am so compatible with. There got to be someone out there. I won't know if I don't try and stay alone in my apartment, will I? So, if begging and crying had ever brought an ex back, we wouldn't be single, would we? Edit: By the way, it's not my first time getting dumped. I was reflecting on it yesterday, EVERY single one of them recontacted me at one point. But once, I never tried to make it work again. I had moved on or I didn't really care about the break up. Edited April 18, 2014 by Elle1975 1
Author Elle1975 Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 Everybody got that, my week end is not so good. I almost sent him an email. Had it typed in and ready to send. I don't have his phone number, since I deleted everything. Anyway, he wouldn't pick up. I'm coming down from my high and "let's have fun since I'm single" state of mind. I don't know what to do. I go to work, and I put a smile on my face. I also go to school part time, so I did half my homework today. Spent my evening with my gaming friends playing. Cleaned my house, it was a pig style mess. I smoked today and I'm not supposed to since I have quit. Took 4 sleeping pills so I don't wake up in the middle of the night. I just force myself to function. Truth is, most of you are young. I find myself single at 40 and the odds are not good for me. I have read on this forum "I miss him so much" and I do. I don't know how people live with no bonds to a special someone. My sis is not here anymore and my parents are in their 70's. What happens then, when they go? It's just me? What's the point. I didn't send the email, as I am not utterly stupid. Sometimes I think I should give it 6 months and contact him, but again, what's the point of going back to square one. I wish, like everybody else, that he could change his mind. That I should have do things differently. When people say it wouldn't have changed a thing, they're wrong. When my friends tell me he'll never find someone, they're wrong too. Of course it's me, and not him. I know time heals everything, but I don't have time on my side.
redbaron005 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 What happens then, when they go? It's just me? What's the point. The problems we have "don't amount to a hill of beans in this world" - life offers us so much potential to do good and make others' lives better. I think that's the point.
Allumere Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Aw huni, I am in that boat with you and with 5 years on you. And at no point have I experienced that "lets have fun I'm single" wave. I understand how you feel. After this dumping in November I really didn't start sleeping again til March. and lack of sleep can make you even more emotional. Things improve over time...for me 9 months to a year between breakups before even considering dating.
Summerrose2013 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Elle, it was exactly this frame of mind which got me into my last disaster of a relationship. I turned Forty something and basically panicked. Messed up by grabbing the first man who came along and thought "thank God, I won't grow old alone now". Cue a total disaster. He's older than me and believe you me these type of thoughts had certainly not crossed his tiny mind. As far as he's concerned he'll still be a stud until he's at the Pearly Gates. And his relaxed confidence was a big turn on for me. At the start of our relationship he told me he loved my confidence too, his ex wife had been needy insecure and in constant need of validation. And guess what, as soon as I exhibited these qualities during our relationship he pulled away. Realise now that actually a lot of my friends my age in long term relationships are also feeling a void in their lives. Its just a different one to us. They've got the man box ticked. But hell I've got the career box ticked my own home ticked and I can do what I want when I want. Yes of course I still want to meet "the one" but the void for me is company and friendship. And friends sure as heck are much less likely to reject me. I need to learn to be confident and love myself. I've discovered this strange phenomenon over the years. Men I know but don't fancy ask me out. Because I don't fancy them I'm relaxed, chatty and confident around them I think they take this as flirty and ask me out! When I'm around a guy I fancy I'm crippled with nerves and shy !!
Author Elle1975 Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 Elle, it was exactly this frame of mind which got me into my last disaster of a relationship. I turned Forty something and basically panicked. Messed up by grabbing the first man who came along and thought "thank God, I won't grow old alone now". Cue a total disaster. He's older than me and believe you me these type of thoughts had certainly not crossed his tiny mind. As far as he's concerned he'll still be a stud until he's at the Pearly Gates. And his relaxed confidence was a big turn on for me. At the start of our relationship he told me he loved my confidence too, his ex wife had been needy insecure and in constant need of validation. And guess what, as soon as I exhibited these qualities during our relationship he pulled away. Realise now that actually a lot of my friends my age in long term relationships are also feeling a void in their lives. Its just a different one to us. They've got the man box ticked. But hell I've got the career box ticked my own home ticked and I can do what I want when I want. Yes of course I still want to meet "the one" but the void for me is company and friendship. And friends sure as heck are much less likely to reject me. I need to learn to be confident and love myself. I've discovered this strange phenomenon over the years. Men I know but don't fancy ask me out. Because I don't fancy them I'm relaxed, chatty and confident around them I think they take this as flirty and ask me out! When I'm around a guy I fancy I'm crippled with nerves and shy !! I am the same way. Reserved and shy, I mean. I warm up once I get to know someone. I like myself, I am independent, and I have no problem spending the evening alone. This doesn't mean however that I don't want to share my life with someone, I do. I maintain no contact. I know it's my only way out of this. At least I somewhat preserved my sense of dignity when I closed the door and left. I haven't called or emailed (but within 20 min of leaving his house, telling him to stay away, basically. Of course he didn't answer). I really don't want to add humiliation to the list. My short term goal is to get another A. I finished my homework today. That will help me get back on my feet. I am an A student and it helps me with my self-esteem. 2
Author Elle1975 Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 Yay me! Two weeks today. No contact, nada. It's a deep ditch I'm in but I'm doing it. I have a date tonight to force me and get better... not considering anything long term but he knows it so it's all good. 1
iDrumKing Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Happy for yah. It's still gonna be a long road though so expect those rainy days. But continue doing what you're doing and you'll be good in no time. 1
sooshi Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I'm proud of you, Elle. I know there have been times where you've been really tempted to contact him, but you didn't. Keep going strong. 1
Author Elle1975 Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 It sucks. Yes, it does. I'm doing better today though. I try not to concentrate on the past and the future that I saw with him. Instead I concentrate on my mistakes and his flaws. As for waking up in the middle of the night, I take sleeping aids. I'm also back to eating. When I stress, I don't eat. So that's good too. I hope I won't get another relapse. The thought of having to find someone else I'm compatible with is... ugh..
Author Elle1975 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 So.. I am in bed on my tablet.. I am bored tonight, a littlle sad too. So I thought "oh, I am going to check his facebook. If I don't sign in, he will never know" Then I started laughing. Why? Because I thought "oh, yes, right.. I forgot I can't do that" it's in the NC rules. And that genuinely made me laugh to be caught my hand in the cookie jar! haha I want to say thank you to everybody here for a great support system. It's obviously working.
Raena Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 It's so good that you could catch yourself and not do it... and then laugh about it too. One step in the right direction... keep on plodding!
thysecret Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 I hate those sad nights, i just simply turn to playing games or watching shows! well its hard not to check and i think you're really funny hahaha! Keep it up!
Author Elle1975 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 I hate those sad nights, i just simply turn to playing games or watching shows! well its hard not to check and i think you're really funny hahaha! Keep it up! I play on my pc as well. D3 actually. This week end I have plans to change my mind. I have to put mechanisms in place. Sitting at home is not going to do me any good. But anyway.. it was so funny. I had to share. Sneaky little me got bustef by mama NC lol 2
Author Elle1975 Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 4 weeks NC tomorrow.. hehe Sad things is, it's 4 weeks he's been NC too now that I think about it. I am going to do like Kali and go out more. Not ready to date seriously but everybody needs to start somewhere 1
sooshi Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 You're doing great, Elle. It's been more than two months since I heard from him. Lately I've had the desire to reach out to him, but I just post on here instead. I wouldn't even really know what I would say, and I mostly think that I don't really have anything I actually want to say! It's a good idea to date if you feel up for it. You know that you're not ready to date seriously, so you can go into the dating realm without expectations, which can make your dates more enjoyable and light-hearted.
Author Elle1975 Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 (edited) You're doing great, Elle. It's been more than two months since I heard from him. Lately I've had the desire to reach out to him, but I just post on here instead. I wouldn't even really know what I would say, and I mostly think that I don't really have anything I actually want to say! It's a good idea to date if you feel up for it. You know that you're not ready to date seriously, so you can go into the dating realm without expectations, which can make your dates more enjoyable and light-hearted. Well, I am doing what I preach. I am working on myself, what I can adjust, what mistakes I made, etc.. I'm a firm believer in that. As for dating.. I was chatting with my friend yesterday, she is 67, so she brought up the topic of dying. She was telling me how if she knew she was dying, she'd get a bunch of credit cards, and she'd buy a bunch of stuff (I said I'd want a new computer haha). I replied that if I knew I was dying "I'd just burn his F'ing house down". So no, not ready for dating Edited May 11, 2014 by Elle1975
Recommended Posts