Matelow Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Hi Everyone! I have been looking on here for some time, getting advice and tips from all of you lot who post on here. The advice from all is actually a great help in getting through the horrible process of being dumped. My story is as follows. I was in a 1.5 year LDR. Everything was going really well, and then she broke it off with me 1.5 months ago for no real valid reason. I would imagine a classic GIGS case. Says she still loves me, but doesn't feel like she can be with me. She was in a serious relationship about 2 months before meeting me, and she has never been single for a big period of her young adult life. She is actually a stunning girl, and I think she was getting a lot of attention from a lot of great looking guys, and thought what else was out there. Sucks, but hey ho - her loss! I was ok being friends with her, and was in contact for about 2 weeks after the break up. I wasn't needy, I wasn't begging for her back, nothing. Just being nice. But obviously this wasn't letting me heal, so I started NC - basically sent her an email saying that we both need time apart to get over it, and it would be the best thing for both of us. I deleted everything, Facebook, telephone number and all sources of communication. She didn't message me until about a week ago saying something along the lines of, I get the email, but did you really need to delete me of everything? I didn't reply. She sent me a message recently saying that - even though I don't speak to her friends, she wanted to tell me before I found out any other way that she has met another guy who is very nice and she waited until she felt it was serious to let me know that they may get together. This really annoyed me. Whereas I fully expect her to get another boyfriend at some point, this soon after breaking up with me? Especially when she said she hasn't really been single and she wants to jump straight into another relationship? Wow. So annoying - I almost broke NC to say something along the lines of, its none of my business what you do - but I would advise on holding off for a bit - this was one of the reasons you gave me for breaking up with me. This has sparked other things though. Maybe she met this guy when I was with her? The thing is, I wouldn't take her back anyway - Im not being 2nd best to no one. But I am hurt, and almost 2 months down the line, can't stop thinking about her. I am getting better, but I just feel a little bit empty to be honest. I just needed to vent, so any advice is welcome guys
Elle1975 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Don't answer her message. As for your feeling of her meeting this guy while being with you, look back on her behavior and trust your guts. That might just be her "no valid reason" right there. I am not sure why she feels the need to tell you about it. Just ignore it. That would rub me the wrong way too. 1
zen2475 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Some people jump from relationship to relationship. You said yourself that is her MO. Actually, she said they "may get together". That means she likes him, but it's not official. I think she did that because you have gone NC and she is probably too immature to realize this is a consequence of her breaking up with you. Frankly, she sounds very immature and selfish. I'm glad you have not responded and would advise staying in NC. 3
Mr.Pine Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 She sent me a message recently saying that - even though I don't speak to her friends, she wanted to tell me before I found out any other way that she has met another guy... This really annoyed me. Whereas I fully expect her to get another boyfriend at some point, this soon after breaking up with me? Especially when she said she hasn't really been single and she wants to jump straight into another relationship? Matey, This message is more of a factual nature than one of advice. She did not, I repeat NOT meet someone so soon after breaking up with you. She was seeing/talking/texting/Instagramming/Facebooking him LONG before you guys broke up. She simply waited a little while before going public with it. Time and time again, guys will scratch their heads and wonder why things happened so fast with their ex so soon after a breakup. They didn't. They festered for weeks or months before the break up actually took place. Sorry, bro...she played you and now in order to save face and a modicum of dignity, you should go NC and forget her. 2
hoping2heal Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 You said she jumped into a LTR with you just 2 months post her last breakup. She is just repeating her usual pattern. Whether she might him while you two were together or not, who knows. It does not change the outcome. 1
ahthepain Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 My ex did the exact same thing. We were together for nearly 3 years, she kissed me goodnight said I love you with all my heart, next morning she said she has fallen out of love with me and a month later on wants zero contact and says she doesn't even like me ... Her excuse was the thought of being in a relationship made her feel sick and she just wanted to be alone. Then two days ago on FB she made it public she is with a new guy she only met a week ago. Wow I was doing so well and now back to square one. But all hope is gone, she isn't worth it. It hurts like I can't describe but I have to try to mvoe on I guess. Good luck my friend.
FredJones80 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Then two days ago on FB she made it public she is with a new guy she only met a week ago. Such a joke. I made the decision to remove my social media accounts, what I don't know, can't harm me Oh. the only thing I'd hope for is you, is her new bf is a total idiot and then she regrets not sticking with you!
Author Matelow Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 Matey, This message is more of a factual nature than one of advice. She did not, I repeat NOT meet someone so soon after breaking up with you. She was seeing/talking/texting/Instagramming/Facebooking him LONG before you guys broke up. She simply waited a little while before going public with it. Time and time again, guys will scratch their heads and wonder why things happened so fast with their ex so soon after a breakup. They didn't. They festered for weeks or months before the break up actually took place. Sorry, bro...she played you and now in order to save face and a modicum of dignity, you should go NC and forget her. See this is what I was thinking. She was saying she started to feel a little different about the relationship at Christmas. I imagine by then and the break up - she was probably messaging this guy. The only thing that hurts is that she did play me (possibly). I did everything for the girl, and she wanted better. She won't get it, I was great! Although admittedly not perfect, but who is! Like I say, I wouldn't take her back (as much as I would like too), so why does it hurt so much? I don't mind if she has a boyfriend, its to be expected - do I need to take a few man up pills? haha Argh, I was doing well until today. The other thing about NC - is it a bit petty? I know she still cares about me, and we were both a big part of each others life and I don't really want to cut all ties as we did get along pretty good. But I know from the people posting here, is that it is a lot easier - so I am sort of answering my own question. As I was writing this - she has just phoned me (private number)... Saying have you got my text and stuff. I said yes. And I was like - why are you even ringing me? Its nothing to do with me. So we talked for a bit, wished her all the best and that was it. Then she phoned me again for something trivial...? Whats going on there?
FredJones80 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Like I say, I wouldn't take her back (as much as I would like too), so why does it hurt so much? I don't mind if she has a boyfriend, its to be expected - do I need to take a few man up pills? haha It hurts because you'd like a little bit of respect, she might of wanted to end it, fair enough, but show you a little respect for the time you shared by having a few months of being on her own, getting with someone straight away is just damn right disrespectful - I guess it shows peoples true colours? The other thing about NC - is it a bit petty? Whats going on there? Have you read the NC guide? If not, I suggest you do, it answers all your questions.
Author Matelow Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 Argh, why did she have to phone me? This has put me almost back to square one! Any advice? Told her nicely not to get in touch with me again.
writergal Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 She's toying with you because she's immature and wants to keep you as an option - someone to casually chat with when she's bored. Basically, she has terrible boundaries and will continue to try to invade yours until you prevent her full-stop. Change your phone number my friend, or block hers. Do what you have to do, so that you can heal.
Author Matelow Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 She's toying with you because she's immature and wants to keep you as an option - someone to casually chat with when she's bored. Basically, she has terrible boundaries and will continue to try to invade yours until you prevent her full-stop. Change your phone number my friend, or block hers. Do what you have to do, so that you can heal. Good Advice. I don't know why she would want to keep me as an option though - I mean, she got rid of me, so why would she? I am now thinking about having a Skype conversation with her. Only reason being that once she gets her new fella, she will forget about me so it wouldn't really hurt? Plus, NC is now ruined...
writergal Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Good Advice. I don't know why she would want to keep me as an option though - I mean, she got rid of me, so why would she? I am now thinking about having a Skype conversation with her. Only reason being that once she gets her new fella, she will forget about me so it wouldn't really hurt? Plus, NC is now ruined... People like her DO keep exes as 'options' because it fills some kind of ego-need for them. They feel less insecure if they know they can chit-chat with an ex on a whim. They leave the emotional fallout for their exes to deal with. Narcissists are notorious for doing this sort of thing. I don't know if she's a narcissist tho. Seriously why do you want to Skype with her? Just block her phone #. You're keeping your emotional wound open for her to pick at. Why?
Kopite Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Cut her off completely. If not, the next time she calls, tell her to f*ck off and never talk to her again. Simple.
Author Matelow Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 The thing is though, she isn't really a bad person... or am I too whipped to realise?
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 The thing is though, she isn't really a bad person... or am I too whipped to realise? Whether she is a bad person or not, that really has no relevance at this point. I think moving on (what you're doing for the most part) is the best thing. She leaves you around for moral boost and making sure you are not mad at her. People dont like it when others don't like them. She feels guilty knowing she is moving on and you are stagnant (at least in her mind). Talking to her in ANY form (Skype, text, whatever) only reassures that point. This is where you DO NOT TALK TO HER. Move on from the situation and heal.
writergal Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 The thing is though, she isn't really a bad person... or am I too whipped to realise? She may not be a bad person and she may be someone that you want to keep in your life. I'm not friends with all my exes. Just a few. But that was after we both discussed the new boundaries, and got everything we needed to say out in the open, to avoid any further misunderstandings or hurt feelings. Same can be applied to friendships. The question is, can you maintain contact with her and not hold out any false hope for a reconciliation? If you can do that, then problem solved. But if you still feel raw and need some time to heal, then it's up to you to let her know that. She can't read your mind, nor you hers. Either send her an email or call her and discuss this with her. If you're important to her, she'll listen and understand and respect what you ask her to do. I know people here are militant about the No Contact rule of thumb where breakups (friendship or romantic) are concerned. But life isn't black and white. Sometimes you have to break the rules to get your needs met. Just set up new boundaries with her so she knows what to expect from you if you want to maintain contact with her. Doesn't guarantee she'll follow them tho, which I think we're all guilty of doing. Just talk to her if that will help. Or don't. Only you know what's best for you.
Author Matelow Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 She may not be a bad person and she may be someone that you want to keep in your life. I'm not friends with all my exes. Just a few. But that was after we both discussed the new boundaries, and got everything we needed to say out in the open, to avoid any further misunderstandings or hurt feelings. Same can be applied to friendships. The question is, can you maintain contact with her and not hold out any false hope for a reconciliation? If you can do that, then problem solved. But if you still feel raw and need some time to heal, then it's up to you to let her know that. She can't read your mind, nor you hers. Either send her an email or call her and discuss this with her. If you're important to her, she'll listen and understand and respect what you ask her to do. I know people here are militant about the No Contact rule of thumb where breakups (friendship or romantic) are concerned. But life isn't black and white. Sometimes you have to break the rules to get your needs met. Just set up new boundaries with her so she knows what to expect from you if you want to maintain contact with her. Doesn't guarantee she'll follow them tho, which I think we're all guilty of doing. Just talk to her if that will help. Or don't. Only you know what's best for you. Well I sort of did this yesterday. I basically said something along the lines of, I'm not blocking you on Facebook because I hate you, I'm doing this so in the future we can hopefully be friends. If you have any respect or feelings left, then you will leave me alone. She then said, that she will and she wishes me all the best. So i do think I can eventually be friends with her, but definitely not now - the pain is too fresh.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 She may not be a bad person and she may be someone that you want to keep in your life. I'm not friends with all my exes. Just a few. But that was after we both discussed the new boundaries, and got everything we needed to say out in the open, to avoid any further misunderstandings or hurt feelings. Same can be applied to friendships. The question is, can you maintain contact with her and not hold out any false hope for a reconciliation? If you can do that, then problem solved. But if you still feel raw and need some time to heal, then it's up to you to let her know that. She can't read your mind, nor you hers. Either send her an email or call her and discuss this with her. If you're important to her, she'll listen and understand and respect what you ask her to do. I know people here are militant about the No Contact rule of thumb where breakups (friendship or romantic) are concerned. But life isn't black and white. Sometimes you have to break the rules to get your needs met. Just set up new boundaries with her so she knows what to expect from you if you want to maintain contact with her. Doesn't guarantee she'll follow them tho, which I think we're all guilty of doing. Just talk to her if that will help. Or don't. Only you know what's best for you. I hate when people say that "Life isnt black and white" on here. No, its not....but you cant expect to have the OP be friends with his ex THIS soon after. There are still SO many feelings going on. NC isnt some military grade command. Its to HEAL AND MOVE ON. If say after ALL the pain has passed (probably several months if not years) then MAYBE a friendship can be hit, but if there is still a feeling of romantic feelings in there, then its just a recipe for disaster. Sending her ANYTHING is again reinforcing the issue. Just let it go 2
writergal Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Well, you may hate it when people say that, but it's true: life isn't black and white. It just isn't. Everyone is different, so how and when they apply the "rules" (No Contact in the OP's case) depends on them and their own situation. I never said that the OP should be friends this soon after his breakup with his ex. Everyone is different. But the OP did do the right thing by clearly communicating his boundaries to his ex (blocking her on his Facebook) the other day, so that he could get the space he needs to heal. When he's ready, he'll add her again as a friend. And when he does that, is up to him. He'll know when that time feels right.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Well, you may hate it when people say that, but it's true: life isn't black and white. It just isn't. Everyone is different, so how and when they apply the "rules" (No Contact in the OP's case) depends on them and their own situation. I never said that the OP should be friends this soon after his breakup with his ex. Everyone is different. But the OP did do the right thing by clearly communicating his boundaries to his ex (blocking her on his Facebook) the other day, so that he could get the space he needs to heal. When he's ready, he'll add her again as a friend. And when he does that, is up to him. He'll know when that time feels right. I agreed with you. Read my post
Elle1975 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 The thing is though, she isn't really a bad person... or am I too whipped to realise? Maybe immature?
Author Matelow Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 Maybe immature? See, I don't think so. She was never really immature in the relationship. So I don't know why she would be now? I wouldn't have thought she would genuinely try to hurt me by saying it - I think that she perhaps let me know to clear her own guilt? The thing is - I am not stupid. When / if her and this new guy really does kick off (although I imagine it won't, too soon I think) I know she will forget about me. Still sucks though!
thysecret Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 I'm exactly in the same position as you. My ex is interested in someone new as well and i'm here thinking "WTF? how could you move on so fast". We are in a LDR for 1.5 years as well! But well, although it hurts to keep thinking, i have to move on. Maybe one day he will know how badly hurt i feel right now. Let it go, NC, Heal. I am trying to become the best version of myself, lose some weight as well! 1
Author Matelow Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 I'm exactly in the same position as you. My ex is interested in someone new as well and i'm here thinking "WTF? how could you move on so fast". We are in a LDR for 1.5 years as well! But well, although it hurts to keep thinking, i have to move on. Maybe one day he will know how badly hurt i feel right now. Let it go, NC, Heal. I am trying to become the best version of myself, lose some weight as well! It sucks - maybe LDR just don't work? Maybe we are just 2 horrible people and we don't want to admit it? So many possibilities! haha
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