solost28 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 (edited) Hi im new here and in desperate need of venting and feedback. My husband and i have been together 6 tumultuous yrs and we have 2 children together (5,3) at the bginning of the summer last yr he changed into a diff person. I suspected an affair and went thru his phone to find deleted msgs bk and forth to another woman. They spoke to eachother as if they were in a real relationship. He said nothing once confronted so i left the next day. Over the 4 mos we were seperated it was extreme live/hate and alot of revelation. I lrearned that almost every time we faught he wld enjoy the company of an ex or a random girl from a bar. It was almost over for good when he swallowed his pride and asked me and his kids to move into the house he just rented. I decided i couldnt lose him and said yes. The 1st week he was out of control. I could tell he was very conflicted w the decision to reconcile. Things calmed down and we were better than ever. Then he left his phone while he went into the store. I picked it up and it went right to msgs between him and another girl. He was making an excuse to y he had broke plans w her. I lost it. He told me it was a girl from over the seperation and he had been trying to avoid her ever since which he proved by calling her and putting her on speaker confirming they hadnt seen eachother since him and i reconciled. Fast forward 4 month...he started his own business and was coming home late drunk (hes an alcoholic) on this particular night he came home very drunk and told me we needed to talk. My heart sankHe brought me upstairs and told me that the girl that he saw in the summer was now 6mos preg with a baby boy. The sex of the baby was particularly hard because he wanted a boy so badly that after we had our first daughter he cried when he found out he was having another girl and refused to let me get my tubes tied in case we wanted to try for a boy. He acted like this was no big deal. I handled it the best i could but he forbode me to even mention it . He wants me to forget about it completely. He refused to tell mr anything else so i became a detective. Ive since found out that she is the baby mom of a friend of ours and she lives in the same apt complex where he worked for 5yyrs and we lived as a family in the same complex! She knew who i was and everything about our family before i evrn knew her name. Now shes less than a month away frim giving birth and shes named the baby. He still says he doesnt want anything to do with her or the baby although ive encouraged him to face the music. I know him he lies alot and i feel like hes going to b in conract w ger and see the baby and hide it from me which im not comfortable with. I told him as long as he lets me kno of any contact ahead of time we can get through this but he knows how hurt i am by all of this and i think he would lie to spare me the pain or any argument. Ive tried contacting her but she wont speak tto me shes very young and shes the "im fabulous and youre not" type also i go on her facebook and she posts things about her having a broken heart and not trying anymore so i feel like it was more than a. Late night fling as he puts it he says they only slept together twice but shell post things like "real men stay no matter what" with a pic of a pregnant woman why would she expect a married man w 2 kids to choose her over us if it was just a fling? I need help im falling apArt and can talk ytoo my husband. Edited April 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
notserene Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I don't know what to say except that I am sorry you are in such pain right now. I don't think I could remain married to a husband who had an "affair baby." in addition he seems like he creates tremendous chaos in your life and cheats on you at every opportunity. Can you live with that? 5
Grumpybutfun Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Call an attorney and divorce this fool. You described your relationship as tumultuous but I think it is more like dead. He lies, cheats and makes you feel guilty about it. Why would you think this is acceptable and why would you want a man like this? Have you only known bad men who treat you poorly? If you want your kids to accept and emulate this behavior, stay, but if you want them to grow up healthy and with boundaries and a healthy sense of self, leave for good...no more apchances for a man who has done nothing to prove change. He is getting exactly what he wants, a wife and a family while living a single lifestyle. Obviously this isn't what you want, so no longer accept it. Move on, Grumps 9
Getthruit Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Oh I'm so sorry. Here's the deal. There are a lot of variables here but the one that's jumping out at me is the fact that this man is an actively drinking alcoholic. Honey, I'm sorry but until he commits to a sober lifestyle you can't take anything he says seriously or at face value. Alcoholics are the most selfish creatures on earth (even worse than teenagers). He will tell you what you want to hear in order to get what HE wants. He doesn't care who he hurts or what the consequences are because all that matters to him is what he wants. I know this because I am an alcoholic in recovery. When we are active in our disease all bets are off. Case in point he is completely ignoring the fact that there will soon be a live person in this world because of him. He thinks if he covers his eyes for long enough and refuses to look at it that maybe someday it will just go away. You need to move on and make sure that you take care of those kids as well. Growing up in an alcoholic household is a terrible thing to inflict on your children, 5
EverySunset Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Oh I'm so sorry. Here's the deal. There are a lot of variables here but the one that's jumping out at me is the fact that this man is an actively drinking alcoholic. Honey, I'm sorry but until he commits to a sober lifestyle you can't take anything he says seriously or at face value. Alcoholics are the most selfish creatures on earth (even worse than teenagers). He will tell you what you want to hear in order to get what HE wants. He doesn't care who he hurts or what the consequences are because all that matters to him is what he wants. I know this because I am an alcoholic in recovery. When we are active in our disease all bets are off. Case in point he is completely ignoring the fact that there will soon be a live person in this world because of him. He thinks if he covers his eyes for long enough and refuses to look at it that maybe someday it will just go away. You need to move on and make sure that you take care of those kids as well. Growing up in an alcoholic household is a terrible thing to inflict on your children, I've never said this before... But I wish I could "like" this twice. 2
Raena Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 It sounds like this is all pretty new for you so I'm sure you haven't thought about all of what's to come just yet. Take a step back, reread what you wrote on here and I think you'll find that you already have the answers that you need. He's a drunk, a liar, a cheat and now he's fathered a child with another female. He doesn't deserve you and your children deserve better than what he has to offer. I was in your shoes once... in fact I wrote a thread about it on here... go look at it. Don't waste another minute with this fool... get out of the marriage and away from him. It will be the best thing you can do for yourself and your children. 2
Author solost28 Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 Thank you guys so much for the feedback. U guess i was hoping for someone to tell me it will b ok. Theres so much more to this. I grew up w no one i was abandoned and mistreated all my life. I have nowhere to go and no one to lean on. Before i found out about the cheating i had left 100x due to mental and physical abuse. I never am able to make it on my own. All ive wanted this whole time was fir him to love me like i love him and when i leave he does...or he goes out partying and ignires his duties as a father and i fear he will find someone else. Im crazy about him..obsessed. i dont kno how to let go. I kno i need to leave before i get permanently damaged but idk how.
Author solost28 Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 Raena...i took ur advice and looked up ur threads i read just about all of them and whoa! I know i need to leave him but i know he cant b alone and will pick up someone quick and the thought of him having a life w someone else rips me apart. Im so sad im not normal im very disfunctional i can hardly do housework ir smike help!
lollipopspot Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I don't know if you have it in you to pull it together and stand on your own feet, but if your children are your priority, you'd better try. I grew up with a mother who was as dependent, co-dependent, ill, and weak as you describe yourself, and it was hell. Your kids are growing up with so much chaos and negative emotion - the impression of that will not go away. You brought these kids into the world, they're you're primary responsibility, not this alcoholic loser you chose for their father. I'm sorry you've had a bad life, but now you are responsible for these other lives. There's nothing o.k. about what you describe. I'm someone who might be able to forgive someone who cheats once in an otherwise good relationship, depending on the circumstance. You are describing something much different with the chaos and alcoholism and now a new baby. 3
Raena Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Raena...i took ur advice and looked up ur threads i read just about all of them and whoa! I know i need to leave him but i know he cant b alone and will pick up someone quick and the thought of him having a life w someone else rips me apart. Im so sad im not normal im very disfunctional i can hardly do housework ir smike help! Yeah... WHOA is right... my story SUCKS... don't do that to yourself. If I can get through this, so can you. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps and get moving. Seek help from a counselor. You sound like you are drowning in misery and self doubt but there is a way out of this. You don't need him. Keep telling yourself that... I don't need him, I deserve better. Then go get it! Who cares if he picks up someone new right away, that's his problem, and her problem whoever that poor sucker is. You CAN survive this! It won't be easy but you can do it. You can't fix him and he can't fix you. The two of you together are dysfunctional at best. I tell you what... coming here and telling my story and reading others stories and giving input and feedback has helped me tremendously. You can do that too. Slowly but surely, one foot in front of the other, you will come out of this a better person and finally feel good about who you are and what you are about. It can be done, you just have to want it badly enough. 2
simplyimpressed Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 But this story is half told right solost28 there in most cases are two sides to every story what about the side where he caught you sleeping with a guy at it grandpas when he walked in or this girl that got knocked Up was a mistake and happend when U guys we're split and u where banging his coworker /someone he used to hang out with or what about the landscaper at his work and U sent him naked pics and he forwarded them to everyone he worked with and an alcoholic what about the time he had to take the kid from U and kick U out cause u were on all sorts of pills well pregnant ?? Well I guess there is two sides to every story
Oberfeldwebel Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I think this may be more about you and less about him. I would recommend that you see a counselor, by yourself to gain a little perspective. Then look to make a plan one way or the other. Don't leave him because someone suggests it, nor stay because he insists you do. You need to make a command decision that is best for you and your children. If he is physically abusive to you, there is a very high likelihood he will be abusive to the children in the future as well. This must be dealt with and you have to be there protector.
Raena Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 But this story is half told right solost28 there in most cases are two sides to every story what about the side where he caught you sleeping with a guy at it grandpas when he walked in or this girl that got knocked Up was a mistake and happend when U guys we're split and u where banging his coworker /someone he used to hang out with or what about the landscaper at his work and U sent him naked pics and he forwarded them to everyone he worked with and an alcoholic what about the time he had to take the kid from U and kick U out cause u were on all sorts of pills well pregnant ?? Well I guess there is two sides to every story Let me guess simplyimpressed... are you the female he got pregnant? How else would you know all this information about the OP? 3
whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 But this story is half told right solost28 there in most cases are two sides to every story what about the side where he caught you sleeping with a guy at it grandpas when he walked in or this girl that got knocked Up was a mistake and happend when U guys we're split and u where banging his coworker /someone he used to hang out with or what about the landscaper at his work and U sent him naked pics and he forwarded them to everyone he worked with and an alcoholic what about the time he had to take the kid from U and kick U out cause u were on all sorts of pills well pregnant ?? Well I guess there is two sides to every story You are not her husband obviously and it seems like you're gossiping and don't even know 'the real facts' here. Yes there are three sides to a story, his, hers and the truth which is usually down the middle. Your truth is from an outsiders point of view. She is here for help so please don't come this site and make it worse for her. How did you know she was posting on this site? That's a bit odd...
whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Thank you guys so much for the feedback. U guess i was hoping for someone to tell me it will b ok. Theres so much more to this. I grew up w no one i was abandoned and mistreated all my life. I have nowhere to go and no one to lean on. Before i found out about the cheating i had left 100x due to mental and physical abuse. I never am able to make it on my own. All ive wanted this whole time was fir him to love me like i love him and when i leave he does...or he goes out partying and ignires his duties as a father and i fear he will find someone else. Im crazy about him..obsessed. i dont kno how to let go. I kno i need to leave before i get permanently damaged but idk how. You are much stronger than you realize. I get you're scared and have a lot of challenges to face but I promise you, if you reach out and talk to your Dr, speak to a counselor/therapist, you can get your life back on track, be in control again. You can learn to be on your own, be confident, self efficient. Don't give up! Keep posting.
Author solost28 Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 That was my husband. Apparently i have no privacy. I never said i was perfect. 90% of what he said was assumption and exaggeration and i sure as hell never had an affair or cheated in any way but i came on here to talk and thats what i intend to keep doing. Thank u raena.
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