wrong Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Would like to hear from the guys. One of my male friends and I have a long running argument on what is considered damaged goods. He insist divorced women over thirty with kids are damaged goods and that guys will only want them for sex. I always have to remind him I am right I that category but then he says " I don't mean you, your different ". Is he just trying to make me feel better or are guys really that shallow? Not damaged goods. there's going to be men who don't want a woman with kids, some won't care, and some will even prefer it. look for the men who like kids. 1
Author Joangel Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 It doesn't to me but I also have self deprecating humor and so do most of the people I hang around. We joke and pick on ourselves and each other. The people I know who call themselves "Damaged Goods" in a joking way... Believe their kids / family are a Priceless Treasure. They would not trade their kids or the good times / memories from their marriages for anything in the world. Do they really think they are damaged? No. That is great and all but there isn't a chance in hell I would ever date you. No, it has NOTHING to do with who you are, your character, how attractive you are, etc. Simply put, I am dating a woman who has been married, divorced, kids, etc. because we just don't have anything in common and I have no interest or desire to become instant dad, deal with baby sitters (I know yours are older), pay for college, deal with ex-husband, raise a kid who isn't mine, etc. not to mention you said you don't want kids any more. We have lived totally separate lives and walked in different shoes. Neither is right or wrong or better or worse just different experiences and stages of life. I have said it here before (sometimes ripped for it)... Dating for women in their teens and 20s is one thing (they are usually in the drivers seat and get the pick of the litter) and when they get over 30 or so... It's another (the dynamic flips and Men have the upper hand so to speak). 1. Women typically are not as superficial about appearance when compared to men. 2. Women are typically more open / willing to be with men who have kids / divorced / etc. ("Baggage"). Women are judged far more harshly by Society At Large when compared a male counterpart. 3. Men typically date younger and do. Can even be 5 to 10 years or more. Therefore, women are competing with women their own age and all the younger ones too. 4. Women typically have the kids more so than the man. 5. I believe their are more "good" women than "good" men past 30. Typically "good" men are taken or married. A "good" woman can marry a turd due to being young, immature and naive. (Your own story being an example). Not to say your husband isn't a "good" guy but he is going to be "sowing his wild oats" for many years before he looking for anything serious or marriage. 6. I could go on and on but you get the point and between all your threads basically agree and know all of the things I listed above. I too would not date you. I tried dating a man my age with no life experience under his belt and that lasted about fifteen minutes. I would never think to introduce him to my kids, let alone be instant dad. I have no doubt in my mind now, after all these replies that "damaged goods" is an ignorant logic. Now it's all clear, he must saw me a D.M. Because he had a holier than thou attitude like he was Gods gift. Meanwhile he lived at home, had a dead end job and must have had one to many 20 yr olds tell him he was good in bed (lies). Let's see, 1) I own my home outright. 2) I have a fulfilling career that involves helping others. 3) I work no weekends or holidays so I have the availability to have a social life 4) I cook like most Hispanic women, fabulous 5) I keep my weight down 6) I always dress well 7) My kids are both on honor roll, and school sports. 8) After 12 years of marriage I have sex down to a perfect science, I am not afraid to get down and dirty. 9) my ex's did eventually want to come back. All of them. This thread has been enlightening to say the least. My friend is a fool, but this I already knew. I am good enough to find the right man, that I just realized. 1
wrong Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 LOL! Who doesn't know that the kids are part of the "package"? You may lol all you desire, but its quality advice IMO. lots of men like kids and she should look for them. 1
Author Joangel Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 That last entry sounded a bit attacking. I appreciate the honesty of everyone here. Even the not so kind words. It's hard truth I need to hear to reach my own conclusions. I'm adding up a lot of things that I have been keeping to myself. Many of my insecurities seem to be rooted from poor information and others poor choices. Thank you to everyone for being my sounding board! 1
Smilecharmer Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 There are men and women who won't date people with kids. However I can imagine there are many men who already have kids and are done with that chapter in their lives and want someone who isn't trying to have three more with him. I hope you find someone very special who appreciates you and can be kind to your children. 1
Noproblem Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 No one is damaged goods Every man or woman is a winner if they knew how to play right... Everyone's else no matter how old or young they are how pretty or ugly they look how smart or sloppy they seem if they didn't follow the rules and didn't play the game right. They lose and became eventually damaged goods. So learn to play it right. For starter leave this so called friend! 1
RonaldS Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Your friend states unequivocally that divorced women over 30 with kids is damaged goods. Men just don't want anything to do with them. Yet, somehow, the world is filled with divorced women over 30 with kids who are remarried. Hmmmmm. 3
veggirl Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Does your friend consider your ex husband to be damaged goods as well?
oldshirt Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I don't know if anyone has thrown this out there yet or not but there are many people who would view a 34 year old who has never married or had kids with suspicion. Some people would consider someone who has never married or has kids as potentially damaged or wonder we what was wrong with them. This all boils down to no-one is going to be able to ride off into the sunset with everyone. There are always people that are going to think you are off limits no matter who you are. And conversely there are always going to be people that think you are the cats ass. 3
jonsnuh Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Every person has their preferences, and some men may not be ready to take on an instant-family. I don't really believe in this perspective. I have grown to have a huge respect for single mothers, who work so hard to make ends meet and to provide their children with the best they can offer. A responsible mother is something I would look as an advantage over other women as proof of someone's character to having a long-term relationship. I strongly believe that men who approach you just for sex are shallow as hell. Sleazy. A man entering long-term relationship taking the role of a father should be someone who loves you, loves your family, and is willing to demonstrate his love by taking the heavy burdens you've had for some time. 1
carhill Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 OP, had it not been for the expressed opinion of the friend, would you have examined this issue as you have here? IOW, have you been experiencing repetitive interactions where you've felt as if you are treated as 'damaged' and this friend put pointed words to those interactions? If so, one could view those as discrete issues; one, the friend's apparently gauche 'candor'; the other, how you feel (or felt) regardless.
Author Joangel Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 Every person has their preferences, and some men may not be ready to take on an instant-family. I don't really believe in this perspective. I have grown to have a huge respect for single mothers, who work so hard to make ends meet and to provide their children with the best they can offer. A responsible mother is something I would look as an advantage over other women as proof of someone's character to having a long-term relationship. I strongly believe that men who approach you just for sex are shallow as hell. Sleazy. A man entering long-term relationship taking the role of a father should be someone who loves you, loves your family, and is willing to demonstrate his love by taking the heavy burdens you've had for some time. Beautiful! And btw not related to this thread, but one of yours. Don't feel bad about school. I have been trying to finish college forever. Biggest regret of my life is dropping out and getting married. Now it has taken me two years just to accumulate a mere 19 credits in community college. Worst of all is, I was hired at my place of employment out of the grace of God. Everyone there has a bachelors or masters degree but me. That means whenever I finally graduate I won't even move up since I already have the position a college degree would offer. School is by no means easy...
RedRobin Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 OP, no matter who you meet or don't meet... you can still set a great example for your kids. Don't let anyone make you feel like 'damaged goods'. Ever. People who talk that way need to be eliminated from your life.... Like, instantly. It is a shame that your kids have such a sh.tty role model for a father. I'd strongly recommend you get involved in some kind of volunteering, community group, or spiritual activity where they can see better examples of fatherhood and interact with good, decent men in some way. You will be in much better company... and might even meet someone there yourself!!! If you haven't already, it seems some work is in order to determine why you chose this guy too... so that you don't repeat the same mistakes. I spent two years after my divorce reevaluating my part in things and making sure I didn't tread that path again. So far so good. I've gotten very good at spotting toxic men very early on... and the relationships I've had since my divorce have been healthy and enriching.
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