Damaged goods?

[Joangel]

Would like to hear from the guys. One of my male friends and I have a long running argument on what is considered damaged goods. He insist divorced women over thirty with kids are damaged goods and that guys will only want them for sex. I always have to remind him I am right I that category but then he says " I don't mean you, your different ". Is he just trying to make me feel better or are guys really that shallow?

[d0nnivain]

I'm not a guy but your male friend is damaged goods. With what's going on in your life he shouldn't be saying stuff like that to you. It's not helpful or true. He's damaged goods if he can't see the person but only her history.

 

Yes, there are 20 year old men & some older who think that kids are baggage & their moms are damaged. They are out there & you will find them.

 

It's not a universal truth.

 

I think people of both genders are damaged when they have had more then 1 divorce in a short time, have kids by multiple people & are bitter about the opposite sex.

 

You will be fine, once this business about your EX & his new too young GF calms down.

[Joangel]

I've become insecure city lately...so frustrating!

[Candy_Pants]

Would like to hear from the guys. One of my male friends and I have a long running argument on what is considered damaged goods. He insist divorced women over thirty with kids are damaged goods and that guys will only want them for sex. I always have to remind him I am right I that category but then he says " I don't mean you, your different ". Is he just trying to make me feel better or are guys really that shallow?

 

Your friend certainly is!

[TXGuy]

Would like to hear from the guys. One of my male friends and I have a long running argument on what is considered damaged goods. He insist divorced women over thirty with kids are damaged goods and that guys will only want them for sex. I always have to remind him I am right I that category but then he says " I don't mean you, your different ". Is he just trying to make me feel better or are guys really that shallow?

 

Your guy friend might lack tact and sensitivity, but he might just be trying to be straight with you. Both divorce and having children are things that can make someone a less attractive option for a long term relationship to many members of the opposite sex. It is unfortunate, but true. Note that I said 'many' and not 'all.'

 

Additionally, women over 30 are generally less desirable that they were in their 20s. This might generate some animated responses, but it is simply a fact (on average). It is not limited to women. Men are generally less attractive in their teens and 20s than when they are in their 30s and 40s.

 

So, I don't think the guy friend was just being a jerk. What he said is generally, but not universally true. There are still men out there that will want/be willing to have a LTR with you. But it will likely be more difficult to find such a person than it was when you were in your 20s, childless and had never been married.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

Some guys are that shallow. So shallow that they can't even see how silly they sound trying to speak for an entire gender based on their and their buddies' silly views.

 

I got back on the dating scene in my mid 30s after divorcing with kids. Went on dates with everyone from doctors, engineers, writers, college professor, you name it. It was fun getting my feet wet again. Now I'm in an incredible relationship with an amazing man and have never been happier. My age, my kids, my divorce has never been an issue with him. He thinks I'm the best thing since baked bread.

[RedRobin]

This guy isn't your friend.

 

 

Cut him out of your circle of associations immediately and find people who will successfully help you transition to a healthy and emotionally safe place in life.

 

 

Also, don't believe the junk he told you. That's his own baggage talking.

 

 

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

[Joangel]

Your guy friend might lack tact and sensitivity, but he might just be trying to be straight with you. Both divorce and having children are things that can make someone a less attractive option for a long term relationship to many members of the opposite sex. It is unfortunate, but true. Note that I said 'many' and not 'all.'

 

Additionally, women over 30 are generally less desirable that they were in their 20s. This might generate some animated responses, but it is simply a fact (on average). It is not limited to women. Men are generally less attractive in their teens and 20s than when they are in their 30s and 40s.

 

So, I don't think the guy friend was just being a jerk. What he said is generally, but not universally true. There are still men out there that will want/be willing to have a LTR with you. But it will likely be more difficult to find such a person than it was when you were in your 20s, childless and had never been married.

 

Well, that's depressing to hear. Especially since think the opposite is true. I Would think that a person who has their life together is more desirable. As for being divorced I would proceed marriage with caution. I wouldn't pressure a man to marry me or worry about my biological clock. As for the kids, mine are older 12 and 15. No babysitters, no trying to replace daddy. I think men don't know what they are missing. Thanks for the input, I appreciate to hear all view points.

[Copelandsanity]

Whether you're "damaged goods" or not will depend on your level of positivity and how much you embrace life and continue to improve yourself everyday. In isolation, those items - over 30, divorced, has kids - sound negative, but if you're a happy person who takes of herself and has capacity for love and new experiences, you'll have relationships no matter what age you are.

[Joangel]

Whether you're "damaged goods" or not will depend on your level of positivity and how much you embrace life and continue to improve yourself everyday. In isolation, those items - over 30, divorced, has kids - sound negative, but if you're a happy person who takes of herself and has capacity for love and new experiences, you'll have relationships no matter what age you are.

 

Very true. Thank you.

[TAV]

I had a good laugh about this post since I fall into that category too. Over 40 even. Maybe I should just roll over and die?

 

I notice no guys have responded (if I'm correct). Hmmm...

[Joangel]

I had a good laugh about this post since I fall into that category too. Over 40 even. Maybe I should just roll over and die?

 

I notice no guys have responded (if I'm correct). Hmmm...

 

Yes one guy did. The one who was bold enough to admit it was somewhat true!

Although, I think it's best to try to get my positve attitude back and ignore all this crazy logic I am being feed.

[carhill]

Expanding the age range a bit downward to 25, since that included the lower range of the single mothers I dated, I never saw any of them as damaged goods. I seriously doubt I even knew what the term meant at that time, many years ago. They were simply people. They worked, took care of their kids, had family and friends and socialized. I can't even recall any co-parent/ex related rancor. Different strokes I guess.

[oldshirt]

this is more about the guy in question than the woman.

 

 

When I was single a woman with kids wasn't 'damaged goods' per se, but was rather simply off the radar. I had some FWBs relationships with single mothers and married women with kids but never once even considered dating one legitimately or God forbid, marrying one.

 

 

I assume this guy telling you this is also in the young and single demographic and this is probably how a lot of young single guys view it so in that sense, yes he is probably right that most guys in that demographic would consider having casual sex with a single mother but not much else.

 

 

However, using myself as an example, fast forward 20some years and now I am pretty much 180 degrees from what I was 25 years ago.

 

 

Now I have been married for over 18 years and have 2 preteens of my own. If I were to become divorced or widowed, the last person I would consider dating seriously or marrying would be a single woman who did not have any kids and would want them in the future.

 

 

I would really only consider dating a mature woman who already had her kids and didn't want any more or a grown, self-aware woman who was childless by choice and did not want any more.

 

 

If I had to choose between a childless by choice woman or one who had kids and didn't want any more, it would be a coin toss.

 

 

The childless woman would have less complexity and less baggage, but the woman that did have children would be a lot more understanding of my roles as a father and would have more in common with me in terms of general lifestyle and understanding and accepting parenthood. all other things being equal I would pick the woman with children at the end of the day.

 

 

So what this all boils down to is each individual guy's current position in life and what his future goals and preferences are at this stage in his life.

 

 

If it's a young, single guy who's not all that hip on having kids around, forget it, you are wasting your time and just setting both of you up for frustration and drama. A guy like that would only go out with single mother because he either saw her as easy poontang or he is a lower status guy who can't get a single woman without kids and is settling.

 

 

However for a mature man who also has kids and is interested in a relationship where both people have similar lifestyles and an inimate knowledge and understanding of the complexities of single parenthood, for that man being a single mother may be an actual advantage over a childless, never married woman.

[Joangel]

this is more about the guy in question than the woman.

 

 

When I was single a woman with kids wasn't 'damaged goods' per se, but was rather simply off the radar. I had some FWBs relationships with single mothers and married women with kids but never once even considered dating one legitimately or God forbid, marrying one.

 

 

I assume this guy telling you this is also in the young and single demographic and this is probably how a lot of young single guys view it so in that sense, yes he is probably right that most guys in that demographic would consider having casual sex with a single mother but not much else.

 

 

However, using myself as an example, fast forward 20some years and now I am pretty much 180 degrees from what I was 25 years ago.

 

 

Now I have been married for over 18 years and have 2 preteens of my own. If I were to become divorced or widowed, the last person I would consider dating seriously or marrying would be a single woman who did not have any kids and would want them in the future.

 

 

I would really only consider dating a mature woman who already had her kids and didn't want any more or a grown, self-aware woman who was childless by choice and did not want any more.

 

 

If I had to choose between a childless by choice woman or one who had kids and didn't want any more, it would be a coin toss.

 

 

The childless woman would have less complexity and less baggage, but the woman that did have children would be a lot more understanding of my roles as a father and would have more in common with me in terms of general lifestyle and understanding and accepting parenthood. all other things being equal I would pick the woman with children at the end of the day.

 

 

So what this all boils down to is each individual guy's current position in life and what his future goals and preferences are at this stage in his life.

 

 

If it's a young, single guy who's not all that hip on having kids around, forget it, you are wasting your time and just setting both of you up for frustration and drama. A guy like that would only go out with single mother because he either saw her as easy poontang or he is a lower status guy who can't get a single woman without kids and is settling.

 

 

However for a mature man who also has kids and is interested in a relationship where both people have similar lifestyles and an inimate knowledge and understanding of the complexities of single parenthood, for that man being a single mother may be an actual advantage over a childless, never married woman.

 

Thank you, that was very well said and inspiring. My friend is my age and married with a small child. He was the biggest player back in the day. We have been friends since high school and I think he belives he is just telling me how it is. I think it's probably safe not to make generalizations. I only ask because like I stated in another post, it seems I attact the wrong guys and my ex husband is dating a much younger woman. Leaving to believe my number is up and I should stop holding out hope. I have become very self conscious about it.

[oldshirt]

Well, that's depressing to hear. Especially since think the opposite is true. I Would think that a person who has their life together is more desirable. As for being divorced I would proceed marriage with caution. I wouldn't pressure a man to marry me or worry about my biological clock. As for the kids, mine are older 12 and 15. No babysitters, no trying to replace daddy. I think men don't know what they are missing. Thanks for the input, I appreciate to hear all view points.

 

 

 

 

 

I think I said this in another one of your threads, but you would actually be my dream girl at this stage in my life if I were to divorce or be widowed.

 

 

You are mature enough to be established and know who you are and what you are about, as well as mature enough to have an established career (or at least decent job skills) and you would not be obcessed with marriage or more kids etc etc

 

 

but you are still young enough to have some good health and vitality and the energy to get out and do things as well as still having a good number of years of a healthy sexdrive before menopause knocks it out.

 

 

If I were to become single again, I would dream of finding a woman like you.

 

 

The upside to you is I am still fit and healthy and active. I have made it this long in life without smoking, drinking, drugs, infidelity or criminal activity so the chances are good that I am a good those things should never be an issue. I am not rich and powerful but I have an established career and am financially solvent and stable and financially responsible. I have children a little bit younger but still in that general age range and understand and appreciate the complexities and challenges as well as the rewards of raising children that age and having them old enough to not require 24/7 hands on care is a great thing. As is knowing that they'll be out of the house in a matter of years LOL

 

 

The downside is I am several years older than you. I do have some wrinkles starting to show up on my forehead. I have a set of rock solid 6pack abz but they have an inch or two of padding on them so you can't exactly see them, but they're in there LOL

 

 

Where I am going with this is if your target audience for your next boyfriend is single, never-married guys without children in the 20-35 year old age range that have visable 6pack abz and rippling biceps (I do have those BTW) you are going to be left in the dust by younger women without children and without stretchmarks.

 

 

However if you were expand your target audience to mature men in the 35+ age range that have kids and prior marriages of their own and can put up with some wrinkles and padding around the midsection and some child-scheduling issues and maybe even some ex wife drama issues, There will be guys lined up that will think you are bee's-knees and will treat you like a queen. ....And they will have the financial resources and assets to actually do it.

[Woggle]

Honestly it would depend on the reason for the divorce but age has nothing to do with it. If she was a walkaway wife I would wonder if one day she might throw me away as well. If I were single I would look at how she treated past men.

[oldshirt]

 

 

. My friend is my age and married with a small child. He was the biggest player back in the day. We have been friends since high school and I think he belives he is just telling me how it is.

 

 

.

 

 

 

He is telling you how it WAS for his reality back when he was single.

 

 

He is projecting but worse yet, he is projecting retrospectively into HIS past and not looking at other men's presents.

 

 

I was not into marriage and kids and family in my single days either and I never considered legitimately dating a single mother at that time so I do understand where your buddy is coming from.

 

 

He may be trying to offer you a reality check, but what he is giving you is outdated information from HIS personal reality from a number of years ago. It's not timely information in regards to other men in different life-stages than what his was from back in his playa' days.

 

 

I would have given you my dick but not the time of day back when I was 25. However, You would be the kind of woman that I would dream about but might not ever be able to attain today.

 

 

As I said in my first post, whether you are damaged goods or out of reach dream woman depends on the perspective of the man and where he is coming from and what stage he is in in his life at the present. It's not really about you.

[Joangel]

The problem is they're not lining up. I don't do go for the six pack abs. My ex husband is a superficial health fanatic. Tall, handsome Latin lover, bla, bla bla,. I was never allowed to eat a cookie near that man. Women were always all over him. Whenever I see those types it turns my stomach. In one of my post I speak of an older man who is my neighbor who I would date if I know he was into me. He is 50 or so and bald and clearly out of shape. None of that matters to me. I just want a man who is kind and honest and not dating me for sex or to to make another woman jealous ( as has been my expirence).

 

Enough of that. Your sweet! A least, according to you, there's hope out there for me!

[ja123]

Would like to hear from the guys. One of my male friends and I have a long running argument on what is considered damaged goods. He insist divorced women over thirty with kids are damaged goods and that guys will only want them for sex. I always have to remind him I am right I that category but then he says " I don't mean you, your different ". Is he just trying to make me feel better or are guys really that shallow?

 

 

 

I didn't read the whole thread, but my guess is that he said this to make a dig at you because you're not sleeping with him.

[Joangel]

Honestly it would depend on the reason for the divorce but age has nothing to do with it. If she was a walkaway wife I would wonder if one day she might throw me away as well. If I were single I would look at how she treated past men.

 

I was as old school devoted type of wife as there was. Cook in the kitchen, lady in parlor, whore in the bedroom. We just married too young and my ex got restless. Going on 40 and he felt he never lived his life etc.. He later apologized for all the pain he put our family through. Now he gets to move on and I struggle with dating.

[Joangel]

I didn't read the whole thread, but my guess is that he said this to make a dig at you because you're not sleeping with him.

 

I don't think so he's like my brother!

[oldshirt]

I didn't read the whole thread, but my guess is that he said this to make a dig at you because you're not sleeping with him.

 

 

 

I disagree. I think he was being honest from his perspective. I just think his perspective is messed up and not applicable to a wide variety of men.

[Ninjainpajamas]

"Is he just trying to make me feel better or are guys really that shallow?"

 

I've learned over the years why women are so often surprised is because they heard about men in the past or present but always thought/think the men they dated were different or the exceptions to the rule...only to find they were exactly what they heard but wanted to believe was the "minority". And in all reality IMO, you will never know how the men in your life truly thought and felt about you, I can guarantee you that because EVERYTHING is filtered and I will same it works the same way the other way around.

 

But any negative thing said about men, many women want to believe it's only associated with "that guy" or "those type of guys", conveniently guys you will never meet or that you will always avoid of course, but not THAT guy you're interested, no of course not, he's one of the GOOD guys...I mean he is so well-behaved and acts like a gentlemen when he meets a woman, he just has to be a man of value, integrity and character, of course of course, couldn't possibly be one of "those type of guys" because those guys ONLY wear big signs on their foreheads and act exactly like you would expect them to, just like the evil witch in a Disney movie, because that's your black and white world. And then when the GOOD guy, turns sour, then it was just THAT guy who was capable of it or thought differently, it couldn't have been any of the other guys.

 

Look ladies, there may be different types of men but for different reasons than you may believe but they're not as far detached from one another as you may think...the great thing about real life is I can actually tell why that guy acts that way...for some quick examples;

 

EXAMPLES NOT HARD TRUTHS PEOPLE!

 

Female version: "He calls me often, always checks up on me so he seems really into me as much as I am him, always wants to know if I'm safe or where I'm at, he really loves me because he constantly checks in on me and I like that"

 

Man truth: Future jealous and controlling, gets upset whenever you talk to other men, suspicious whenever you go out and contacts you constantly.

 

Female version: "He really respects me, he takes me out, he buys me nice things, he treats me like a woman should be treated"

 

Man truth: Insecure man, feels that he needs to do this to keep a woman because he's a people pleaser and doesn't feel confident that a woman would be interested in him without it furthermore this is what he feels obligated to do either by right or culture and because he puts you on an unnecessary pedestal.

 

The point I'm trying to make is women misinterpret male behavior all of the damn time, I get asked in real life and I want to bang my head against the wall and I've got to go through the deets and break-down what this guy REALLY is doing because there's always this like benefit of the doubt thing compounded with the attitude of "I feeel like something is kind of weird or odd but should I actually listen to, maybe I'll ask one of my clueless GF's about it and we'll both come up with a ridiculous reason that makes absolutely no sense to any man but to us" I mean I'm just blown away constantly at the things women think or say about why they think men do this or that, and at how oblivious some women can be even if it's punching them in the face...like what, where, how do women even come up with this stuff? it's like every fantasy that can be created in order to avoid the plain truth, and you say it with a straight face like you ACTUALLY believe it! shame on you!

 

Now this one guy, tells you the truth...which in real life is a real damn rarity to be honest, and online c'mon...anyone can say anything here and mostly it's not exactly men spilling the beans on anything. I tell people things that are true that no one will ever believe not because it's not true but it's like an unacceptable reality to accept and it's easier to just make up some lie or some imaginary thought that people like to have but couldn't justify or explain on their best day.

 

So yes, yes, yes! many guys do feel that way about women and their age and with children, yes yes yes it's true....not all of them, but men out there definitely do judge women by their age, looks, marital status (current and past) and whether she has children or not...yes yes yes, contrary to popular belief while you ladies talk about men while washing each others bodies in the shower (hey I can fantasize too) yes, many men will consider you "used up", "unworthy" as future potential wife material, too old and your vagina is like a near dried up oil well. It's not unheard of, I hear it yes from men, yes those men with the two legs and who go to work every day and you call coach, doctor, or whatever else, it's the kind of thing as a man you don't even have to say out loud in fact it's just like with women, if they can relate to a situation they can understand why a woman is reacting or feeling that way even if it seems totally whacky and bizarre to men because to us it makes no sense, but you as a woman GET IT, it's the same kind of thing.

 

Now I'm not here to tell you this is how every guy is and break you little heart, but yes there are a group of men, A VERY LARGE GROUP of men that roam the plains of wherever you are that would view women this way, it's a thing that some guys feel is important for them...they want to start new, start fresh, they might want to marry for the first time together, have children together for the first time and etc...yes, they might play the field and bang the "whores" for now then wifey the "good girl" who's vagina is more "clean" and untapped but honestly, unless it matters to you what every single guy wants or thinks it doesn't really concern you...you're concerned with the men who don't think that way, because the guys who do feel like the above aren't going to be interested in you, and I would hope that you don't find that hurtful...there are all kinds of people in this world with different wants, needs, and expectations, the morality line I can assure you is not black and white by any stretch of the imagination and differs wildly....I've seen women do things that have shocked me, they downright admit and aren't even ashamed of how they use men, and this is way more below the belt than I've personally seen men ever do, so it's just not men who think or judge or have their entitlements or demands of what they want.

 

I'm through educating women on men, there is no point and it goes in one ear and out the other and doesn't work anyway so these posts will get fewer and fewer, I'll stick to deciphering the code with these "oh so rare and mysterious men" of yours which I just happen to magically understand and interpret their behavior without ever meeting them because they're all so different and unique...but anyway at the end of the day it's just not what many want to hear or ever except and feels like a doomday scenario for many. Believe in whatever voodoo you want and what makes it easier to sleep at night, but for love of baby jesus, at least...for the sake of yourself, listen to a tiny bit of what men tell you, because the ***** they tell you that you believe is more often a lie and they ***** they tell you that you think is kidding or a half-truth like "not wanting to be in relationship"...you know, unimportant stuff like that, keep in mind instead you could be potentially dating a guy who is not what you think he is just because of how he looks and acts with you so far and based on your interpretation.

 

And yes, Joangel, he believes you are washed up and many men will that's just the reality for a group of men out there, usually unmarried without children themselves of course (but don't put it past a person to be a hypocrite) but he told you the truth on one hand then lied on the other, he has to protect the relationship and his integrity in spite of telling you the truth, he cannot let you know how he really feels or he jeopardizes the relationship and your emotions, this is why men often twist the truth or only give you a dose of it, the truth is women don't want to really know or hear it but you know Joangel I'm sure he's made that clear up to the point of actually admitting to you. And this is the problem with men telling women the truth, it's the messenger that gets shot, he gets blamed for that point of view even if he were informing you about men in general...so it's a futile cause it really just turns the gun on you.

 

But don't worry, I'm confident he wants to still be your friend and would still sleep with you if he had the chance anyway. So just tell him thanks for telling you the truth, you appreciate it, but you only think HE feels that way and like two other guys out there on the planet that you'll PROBABLY never meet, and if you meet a guy who does accept that then you'll just discredit his advice based on your own "personal" experience...and honestly Joangel, it's probably for the best that way anyway, maybe it's better you don't really know what they're thinking like with most women.

 

At the end of the day, for women it's simply about avoiding the wrong type of men for them, even if the guy they're really looking for is the minority...the trick is not to grow impatient or give up and continue putting yourself out there and learning to filter out the men who don't have the right qualities you're looking for, it's that simple, yes it's hard, yes it's draining, yes yes "why can't it just be easy" I know I know...but this is the way it is, I'm no Santa Claus and Mr. Right aren't presents I have to give away or anyone else.

[oldshirt]

 

 

In one of my post I speak of an older man who is my neighbor who I would date if I know he was into me. He is 50 or so and bald and clearly out of shape. None of that matters to me. I just want a man who is kind and honest and not dating me for sex or to to make another woman jealous ( as has been my expirence).

 

A least, according to you, there's hope out there for me!

 

 

 

And according to what you said about that 50 year old guy, maybe there's hope for me out there too!!! :-)