JZH Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 (edited) Posted a thread the other day about a guy I'm really starting to fall for. We had a talk about exclusivity and we are now exclusive. Like I said in my other thread, I am really falling for him. Falling for him despite the fact that he never offers to pay for anything... ever. Now, I'm all for equality, and if did he offered to pay, I'd thank him but let him know that I'm happy to pay half. It's just the gesture that I would appreciate. Even on our first date, we went to pay and he looked at me and said "is it ok if we pay for ourselves?" I said "yeah, of course that's fine". At the time, it was fine, but it's happened every time since. We went on a date to a restaurant the other night, and when the bill came, he said "are you ok to split this?" Again, I said yes. Every time it happens, he starts saying something along the lines of 'I would have liked to have paid, but I really don't have a lot of money at the moment'. If this were true, I'd understand. However, he'll tell me this, then the next time I see him he'll tell me about the different places he's been during the week and about how he's been out for drinks with friends, so he obviously has some more money. And if I had more money than him, I'd maybe understand. But I don't have a lot either, and he knows this. Do you think this is a problem? Some people have suggested that maybe he doesn't care enough to want to impress me. Again, I really don't want to seem like I expect the man to pay for everything. It's more about the gesture, and I'm just questioning why he doesn't. Thanks Edited April 27, 2014 by JZH
acrosstheuniverse Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 It would really bother me, yes. I've been seriously turned off a guy on a first date before when we've been in the queue to order coffee and he's answered 'separately' when asked by the cashier how we want to pay. It's not about feeling like a guy should always pay for me, it's the gesture I think, it's the being generous instead of appearing as though you're a tightwad. On dates I usually let the guy or myself get the first two coffees or drinks, and the other person get the next two. It ends up being dutch 9/10 times but I'm still buying the other person drinks and vice versa. Or if a guy insists on paying for dinner I'll insist I get the drinks in the next place and so forth. Once in a relationship I stop keeping track really, we go halves on bigger joint purchases like hotel rooms, and for meals out, drinks out, we will just roughly take it in turns to pay. I would feel terrible if my boyfriend was always subsidising all of our entertainment costs and I really like being able to take him out to dinner too! Personally it would look like it's an indicator of how they are with money in general and how generous they are. So it would turn me off. I don't want a guy who would begrudge buying me a latte if it was the end of the month and I hadn't been paid yet. And I'd begrudge buying a guy a meal if I knew it was only ever going to be one sided.
FitChick Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 It sounds like he has friendzoned you. Ask him if he has. If he denies it, then say you feel like you are going out with a girlfriend or coworker instead of a date because you always split everything down the middle. Even poor people would take turns treating each other. Financially it would work out the same but as you said, it's the gesture that matters. Of course, he could just be self-centered and clueless. I hope you aren't having sex with him. 5
TylerDurdenn Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I went out with a girl that wouldn't even bring her purse out to our dates.
Author JZH Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 It sounds like he has friendzoned you. Ask him if he has. If he denies it, then say you feel like you are going out with a girlfriend or coworker instead of a date because you always split everything down the middle. Even poor people would take turns treating each other. Financially it would work out the same but as you said, it's the gesture that matters. Of course, he could just be self-centered and clueless. I hope you aren't having sex with him. Have known him about 5/6 weeks now. We are sleeping together. He also said that his sister's coming to visit him soon, and has said that she wants to meet me and asked me if I'd like to meet her. This suggests to me that he's not going off me or anything. I'm confused
MissBee Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 What do you mean if it's okay...is it okay to you? That's what matters. It doesn't seem like it is, so I'm confused as to if this bothers you, why you agreed to be exclusive. Being cheap is a character flaw IMO. It's not about money, as rich people can be cheap too. Cheap is about being stingy and miserly versus being generous. One need not be rich to be generous. As you said, it isn't like you mind splitting sometimes but for him to ALWAYS have some grand speech about not paying when you go out is really tacky. I couldn't be with a person who is stingy. I would never be with a man like that, as it says a lot about him. Before exclusivity my bf paid and now that we're in a relationship, I pay too. We never split checks. Either he will opt to pay for this meal/activity in total or I do, but there is never a tacky discussion about "Hey, pay for yourself!" There is reciprocity but he is a generous person, as am I. I know cheap people and believe me...the cheap miserly way they have about them is reflected in other areas as well. It doesn't matter if we think it is okay. Guaranteed you will have some people who do think this is fine...so what? Dating is about finding someone with whom your values and lifestyle are compatible...and everyone has different things which are important to them so you and another person may have totally different needs and deal breakers, therefore what matters is if his behavior is okay to you and if you are willing to live with this or not. 12
Grumpybutfun Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 This is coming from someone who is admittedly a traditionalist and has no preconceived notions about me paying being a feminist affront.....he is your friend and you are buddies. I remember some girls in college who always insisted on paying and I thought of them as masculine so I lost interest. Maybe that isn't PC but it is definitely how I felt so just being honest here. I want a woman who feels she is worth me trying to impress or win her...I like the chase. I am a hunter so I want the thrill of conquest and I have been told I am very good at it. I also believe in equality and women having the same rights as men. I just don't think women and men are the same and that is okay because I prefer my women to be opposite of me in many ways. I like my women soft and nurturing for instance. I like being the protector and dominant in bed. These are just my preferences...therefore I like to pay and to open car doors. However, he asked and you gave him the answer he wanted so now he won't think you expect much and he is free to buy video games and go out with friends because those are things he values more. We invest in what we are interested in. Best, Grumps 7
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 MissBee hit the nail on the head. It's not about the money, it's about the gesture. My guy and I have always alternated, and not keeping count either. We go out to eat, he doesn't even ask, will just take out his wallet and cover the check. Other times, I'll push back and say, "No, babe, let me get it." He'll try to refuse once or twice, but I can be insistent. If he comes to my place, I'll take care of food, beer, whatever. When I go to his place, he gets the food, wine, whatever. It's not something we've ever discussed, it's just something we do. Dating someone that feels the constant need to split the check or only cover himself would be an instant turn off for me. I don't NEED a man to feed or take care of me, but I would like a man who enjoys it the same way I would enjoy doing it for him. 6
d0nnivain Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Money & how people deal with it is one of the number 1 causes of divorce. If you have different ways of dealing with money & you can't talk about it, you have no future. I'd tell him that while you are not dating him for the free meals & you are OK with paying your share, it upsets when he says that he can't afford to treat you right after he tells you about something he spent money on during the week that if he had not bought he would have been able to pay. Explain that his choices are making you feel like you aren't a priority to him.
Grumpybutfun Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 MissBee hit the nail on the head. It's not about the money, it's about the gesture. My guy and I have always alternated, and not keeping count either. We go out to eat, he doesn't even ask, will just take out his wallet and cover the check. Other times, I'll push back and say, "No, babe, let me get it." He'll try to refuse once or twice, but I can be insistent. If he comes to my place, I'll take care of food, beer, whatever. When I go to his place, he gets the food, wine, whatever. It's not something we've ever discussed, it's just something we do. Dating someone that feels the constant need to split the check or only cover himself would be an instant turn off for me. I don't NEED a man to feed or take care of me, but I would like a man who enjoys it the same way I would enjoy doing it for him. Good point about gestures. I loved when a woman would bake for me...or cook for me since I wasn't good at it. It made me feel like she really was invested and wanted to do something nice for me. I liked when girls would plan events like going to a football game, a concert or a play. They would plan and purchase tix but I would always insist on paying for food and I paid for gas since I usually drove. Men do appreciate these things. The woman who ended up being my wife is career oriented, very financially versed and doesn't need me except to reach things on the top shelf but she is intuitive enough to know that I like to feel needed, just as I am intuitive to know that even though she is the most beautiful woman I have ever met and she should know this, she likes to hear the words "you are beautiful" from time to time. It really is about the gestures. OP, being honest about what you need really is the only way to have a healthy relationship. G 3
TXGuy Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 So, you are all for equality, but you would prefer that he pays (or at least offers to). At least you have tolerated this much longer than most modern day cafeteria feminists would. 1
Gottabestrong Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I agree, it's about the gesture not the money. But I do believe some men are either clueless about it or think a woman will be offended if he offers to pay. For example, when we first started dating my boyfriend would never offer to pay for me, but actually often let me pay the bill without even offering to cover his share. It upset me, so after a few dates when the bill came at the end of a meal I said something like: 'Let me get this, you can get the next'. He liked that, especially since it implied that I was interested in a next date. I also told him that it was more romantic if one of us paid the bill instead of us splitting it like we are just friends grabbing a bite together. He agreed and since then we have practically never split the bill again, instead one time he will pay and next time it is my turn. At the end of the day we are both spending about the same amount of money on each other, but it feels nice when he pays and I always thank him for it. As he does me.
Author JZH Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 Thanks for the input. I'm still confused by his actions, but I do think the only way to deal with it is to do something about it now. I'm obviously not going to say 'why don't you ever pay?' or anything like that. But, as has been suggested on here, I think that next time he goes to split the bill, I'll say 'it's ok, I'll get this. You just get it next time' 2
HappyLove Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Thanks for the input. I'm still confused by his actions, but I do think the only way to deal with it is to do something about it now. I'm obviously not going to say 'why don't you ever pay?' or anything like that. But, as has been suggested on here, I think that next time he goes to split the bill, I'll say 'it's ok, I'll get this. You just get it next time' He's not gonna get it next time. He's cheap. 3
Author JZH Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 He's not gonna get it next time. He's cheap. Maybe. But this way, if he doesn't get it the time after, I can say something without looking unreasonable or appearing demanding 1
topaMAXX Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted a thread the other day about a guy I'm really starting to fall for. We had a talk about exclusivity and we are now exclusive. Like I said in my other thread, I am really falling for him. Falling for him despite the fact that he never offers to pay for anything... ever. Now, I'm all for equality, and if did he offered to pay, I'd thank him but let him know that I'm happy to pay half. It's just the gesture that I would appreciate. Even on our first date, we went to pay and he looked at me and said "is it ok if we pay for ourselves?" I said "yeah, of course that's fine". At the time, it was fine, but it's happened every time since. We went on a date to a restaurant the other night, and when the bill came, he said "are you ok to split this?" Again, I said yes. Every time it happens, he starts saying something along the lines of 'I would have liked to have paid, but I really don't have a lot of money at the moment'. If this were true, I'd understand. However, he'll tell me this, then the next time I see him he'll tell me about the different places he's been during the week and about how he's been out for drinks with friends, so he obviously has some more money. And if I had more money than him, I'd maybe understand. But I don't have a lot either, and he knows this. Do you think this is a problem? Some people have suggested that maybe he doesn't care enough to want to impress me. Again, I really don't want to seem like I expect the man to pay for everything. It's more about the gesture, and I'm just questioning why he doesn't. Thanks Sounds like a smart man to me. Remember, you don't get to pick and choose which parts of feminism you like and which parts you don't. No man should have to pay for any woman anymore. I think you found yourself a keeper. Sounds like he has a very rational thought process. 1
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 If he says he's not in a position to afford to take you out then he shouldn't be dating you. And if he's having drinks with the boys &splitting bills down the middle with you than he's definitely not in the position to date you. And you shouldn't be allowing yourself to sleep with the guy that just sends signals that his behaviour is okay & he can get away with it. Ask yourself this ; do you feel respected? I'd be turned off immediately by this guy had it been me in your shoes. If I'm not worth it to him than he's not worth it to me. You deserve far better treatment. 1
TXGuy Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 If he says he's not in a position to afford to take you out then he shouldn't be dating you. And if he's having drinks with the boys &splitting bills down the middle with you than he's definitely not in the position to date you. And you shouldn't be allowing yourself to sleep with the guy that just sends signals that his behaviour is okay & he can get away with it. Ask yourself this ; do you feel respected? I'd be turned off immediately by this guy had it been me in your shoes. If I'm not worth it to him than he's not worth it to me. You deserve far better treatment. So are you saying that if he wants a chance to have sex with you, he has to pay for it? I know that is women's default position, while simultaneously insisting on equality and grll power. It sounds a little too much like exploitation or prostitution to me. It sounds like the op is one of the rare women that is actually ok with equality when it comes to paying on dates. She sounds like a keeper to me. I like the idea of seeing if this guy will get on board with alternating paying for dates. That sounds like a happy medium.
PogoStick Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 (edited) I hope most of the female replies aren't representative of the general public because I'm so turned off right now. To those suggesting a girl he's dated for 5 weeks is more important than his longtime guy friends...you're wrong, simple as that. Can you imagine the response if a guy suggested to a woman that she socialize less with her friends so she can afford to take him on a date? Loveshack would castrate him. BTW I appreciate the OP thinking she should pay the 1st bill if she's interested in bucking the trend. Edited April 28, 2014 by PogoStick 1
Leigh 87 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Hell no. Life's too short! My bf is poor but he still "takes me out" to dinner occasionally and I pay for his occasionally since we are both just as poor as each other, lolz.
WP4046 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I went out with a girl that wouldn't even bring her purse out to our dates. wow, she must have had something powerful between her legs LOL
Smilecharmer Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I'm just wondering but the guys here who say that they are turned off by women wanting a man to pay....how is that working out for you in your real life? Do women pay half on your dates or pay all for your dates? Do you date at all? 1
WP4046 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 well the fact that you are falling for him on top of not paying lets me know he must be FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WP4046 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Sounds like a smart man to me. Remember, you don't get to pick and choose which parts of feminism you like and which parts you don't. No man should have to pay for any woman anymore. I think you found yourself a keeper. Sounds like he has a very rational thought process. Especially since they have all the nice jobs
topaMAXX Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I'm just wondering but the guys here who say that they are turned off by women wanting a man to pay....how is that working out for you in your real life? Do women pay half on your dates or pay all for your dates? Do you date at all? I don't "date". Most girls are cool with hooking up first and seeing where things go from there. There's no need to even put yourself in a situation where you have to pay.
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