Sleeping together every night but not co-habiting

[acrosstheuniverse]

Hi all, just a quick question really...

 

Been dating this guy for three or four months now, we met on Tinder but had mutual friends and had known of one another for six or seven years and had crushes on each other during that time. But anyway, we've gotten pretty close pretty quick and from about a month and a bit ago, started sleeping together every night.

 

Somehow it kinda slid into a situation where if there's no particular reason to keep us apart, such as being outta town or hanging with our own friends until super late, we presume we will be sharing a bed that night. Even if it means one of us crawling into bed with the other at their house at 11pm at night after work, that kind of thing. I know logically I should be concerned about it burning out quickly because it's moving too fast but personally it feels right, and it does for him too. I've never had this before, I've either lived with a guy or basically slept over between two and four times a week. We've both made it clear that if the other person wants a night 'off' then it's more than okay to ask for that but for now it feels good for us to sleep next to each other. We don't have sex every night either so I doubt it's about that for either of us.

 

I've always heard of people who see their partner every day and never been in that position so I'm just curious really, has anyone had a non cohabiting relationship where you've slept together every single night of the week? How long was it into the relationship until that started happening, and how did it come about?

 

I'm sure many will say it's too much, keep the mystery etc. I've had relationships where 3.5 years in we're still only sleeping over once a week and relationships that have included moving in together after just a few months and situations in between that too, and hear of couples that just become inseparable after the first date so I know there's no real 'normal' I guess. Just interested in people's experiences

[Joangel]

Personally, I would feel suffocated. It's like your coming home to a husband without the perks of having a husband. I think your setting yourself up for disaster. If this continues how would the relationship progress? You may be thinking next step is to move in, he may be thinking its perfect as is, why change anything? Or worse it could become about finances. What if you move in together to save the cost of paying two rents? Are those the magic words you are waiting to hear? "Might as well move in, save some $". Don't sell yourself sort.

[Grumpybutfun]

If I had posted my relationship here when it first began, people would have said you are crazy, it won't last because something that hot and without mystery will burn out too quickly.

Well, twenty years later and three kids and more sex and love than we ever thought possible for two drama free people, and here we are. You find your own niche in life and you do what feels organic and right and you let the chips fall where they may, even with the knowledge that when it ends it might hurt a little more than if it was just some generic relationship built on going to the movies and waiting three years to move in together then another five to get married and eight to have kids....nothing wrong with a road less traveled in life, Acrosstheuniverse.

I don't need mystery because I love exactly who she is,

Grumps

[acrosstheuniverse]

Personally, I would feel suffocated. It's like your coming home to a husband without the perks of having a husband. I think your setting yourself up for disaster. If this continues how would the relationship progress? You may be thinking next step is to move in, he may be thinking its perfect as is, why change anything? Or worse it could become about finances. What if you move in together to save the cost of paying two rents? Are those the magic words you are waiting to hear? "Might as well move in, save some $". Don't sell yourself sort.

 

We have discussed this, and both want to move to a new city in three or four months time. I'll have just qualified in my career and be looking for job opportunities, of which there are many more in this new city. He wants a change of career and to be in a city where the local music scene is more developed (he's working on his solo music career while at his day job). So it would be a great move for us both. And given that we already spend nearly every night together it doesn't feel like much more of a step up (we'll have been together six months at that point if things work out).

 

He sees it as 'you do realise we essentially live together already, right?' and I am the one reminding him that no, it's not like we live together because a) our stuff is in separate places and b) there is still that mental safety net of having that bolthole to the other person's places. Plus we haven't even had an argument yet and you don't really get a feel for couple dynamics until your first argument. Then again, we've had the odd thing happen some couples would argue about and handled it well. We're also aware of one another's financial situations and what we could handle financially etc.

 

I'm certainly not in a rush to move in together, I have been burnt before and in the back of my mind still wouldn't be surprised if this evaporates. Not because he's given me reason to feel that way, but just because things have happened like that before so I'm more cautious. I know that anything could happen so I'm not banking on this coming to fruition and would be wanting to do the city move for my career even if he disappeared. He seems to feel as though we essentially do live together already but he's never lived with anyone before so no doubt it feels closer to that than anything he's experienced. I've lived with a partner before so I'm well aware that this is NOT like living together yet, we still have our own separate spaces if we need them!

[acrosstheuniverse]

If I had posted my relationship here when it first began, people would have said you are crazy, it won't last because something that hot and without mystery will burn out too quickly.

Well, twenty years later and three kids and more sex and love than we ever thought possible for two drama free people, and here we are. You find your own niche in life and you do what feels organic and right and you let the chips fall where they may, even with the knowledge that when it ends it might hurt a little more than if it was just some generic relationship built on going to the movies and waiting three years to move in together then another five to get married and eight to have kids....nothing wrong with a road less traveled in life, Acrosstheuniverse.

I don't need mystery because I love exactly who she is,

Grumps

 

Thanks for that, grumps! I always read and admire the advice that you give out. I think it differs for every couple, I've done the whole wait four years to move in and it go wrong thing, with different people the pace feels like it moves differently I think. I've been hurt and had things end before and always remain aware that if something goes wrong it'll hurt like hell but I can handle it as I've handled worse in the past. So as much as I'm enjoying this it's not like I'd be utterly and completely broken apart if it went wrong. Sure I'd be very hurt and take some time to move past it, but it would not destroy me.

 

I don't have any plans to artificially alter our pace, we still both are busy people doing our own things at work and with our own friends and so forth, so neither of us feel suffocated to the best of my knowledge. We just spent a solid week together every minute of the day as we were both on work holidays so went to stay with his parents and then away with some friends to a concert and to play about in the capital city and we seem to be able to spend long periods of time together without driving each other nuts so it's a good sign.

 

I am aware however that as much as it feels like love, it's still the infatuation stage of love and lots can change. I will enjoy the ride, whatever happens I guess I've just seen on here and heard from the occasional friend so often about how someone met up with a guy on the first date and they never left or whatever, I would always have been in the 'that's unhealthy' camp but it feels different for me with this guy and I don't feel suffocated at all. We both like a lot of alone time but we're comfortable enough with one another that we can just hang and do our own thing in the same room as though we were alone just as much as we spend hours canoodling and snuggling and doing things together.

[veggirl]

I've had relationships where 3.5 years in we're still only sleeping over once a week and relationships that have included moving in together after just a few months and situations in between that too,

 

lol geez how many relationships have you had?

 

anyway, your current sitch would be way too much for me, but if it works for you, then who cares if it's normal or whatever? I do think moving very quickly is quite common, your situation doesn't sound odd to me, again not something I'd do but tonsssssssssss of people move really quickly in relationships.

[acrosstheuniverse]

lol geez how many relationships have you had?

 

anyway, your current sitch would be way too much for me, but if it works for you, then who cares if it's normal or whatever? I do think moving very quickly is quite common, your situation doesn't sound odd to me, again not something I'd do but tonsssssssssss of people move really quickly in relationships.

 

One four year, one two year and one five months, I'm 26.

[Joangel]

If I had posted my relationship here when it first began, people would have said you are crazy, it won't last because something that hot and without mystery will burn out too quickly.

Well, twenty years later and three kids and more sex and love than we ever thought possible for two drama free people, and here we are. You find your own niche in life and you do what feels organic and right and you let the chips fall where they may, even with the knowledge that when it ends it might hurt a little more than if it was just some generic relationship built on going to the movies and waiting three years to move in together then another five to get married and eight to have kids....nothing wrong with a road less traveled in life, Acrosstheuniverse.

I don't need mystery because I love exactly who she is,

Grumps

 

Yours really Is a best case senerio. Realistically most relationships don't flow this way. I believe divorce rate is now up to 53%. I admit I am guilty of giving what I thought to be solid advice when I was married. Now after 12 years, finding myself single again the dating world is completely different. With all due respect to you, your 20 years on the inside. You have no idea what women have to deal with. Some men are so fickle and the slightest thing can set them running. Lovely that you respect your wife so but I think most men would think they getting the milk for free.

[MissBee]

I haven't been in a situation like this. I too have mostly had the 1-4 night sleepover, some weeks it may be more but not where we basically live together or sleep together nightly. I am also wary of the too much time together and it becoming a comfortable routine that fizzles out, so the space we have in my current relationship works for me.

 

As you yourself even pointed out though, everyone's mileage might vary (although often there are general trends). There will always be people for whom even the most unlikely thing works out...but are they the rule or the outlier? So for me, I like to keep the general trend in mind then listen to myself and see how my situation fits or doesn't.

 

If within yourself you are anxious about this, then be true to that and alter as you see fit. If within yourself you feel this is fine, then go with it.

 

There really is no fail safe. However, you can be true to what you feel is right and listen to yourself about what feels rushed, forced or where things need to change for you.

[Grumpybutfun]

Yours really Is a best case senerio. Realistically most relationships don't flow this way. I believe divorce rate is now up to 53%. I admit I am guilty of giving what I thought to be solid advice when I was married. Now after 12 years, finding myself single again the dating world is completely different. With all due respect to you, your 20 years on the inside. You have no idea what women have to deal with. Some men are so fickle and the slightest thing can set them running. Lovely that you respect your wife so but I think most men would think they getting the milk for free.

 

 

Men are getting the milk for free even if they don't live together...more antiquated craziness. People have sex even if they don't live together, you know that, right? Also, we lived together after three months and married in a year. I didn't get any milk or anything else for free because she isn't a prostitute and our relationship wasn't based on me being only after sex. If you think about what you are saying...any man who gets sex before marriage won't commit...and we know that isn't true since most people are having sex in adult monogamous relationships so your theory may work with a small percentage of douchebags who are going to be douchebags whether you live with them or have sex with them or not. Men who don't commit wouldn't commit just because you hold out sex or living together....they just aren't that into you and that is why they won't commit, or they have no regard for women or commitment to begin with.

As for your comment that I'm out of the loop because I'm not dating, my comment was about my own personal experience as I wasn't speaking for all men or women. Solid advice can come from many differing viewpoints, even ones who are in happy healthy relationships. That was all Acrosstheuniverse was asking for. Since she knows my background from being a long time member, she was aware of my background so I didn't feel the need to expound.

Best,

Grumps

Edited April 27, 2014 by Grumpybutfun

[Joangel]

Men are getting the milk for free even if they don't live together...more antiquated craziness. People have sex even if they don't live together, you know that, right? Also, we lived together after three months and married in a year. I didn't get any milk or anything else for free because she isn't a prostitute and our relationship wasn't based on me being only after sex. If you think about what you are saying...any man who gets sex before marriage won't commit...and we know that isn't true since most people are having sex in adult monogamous relationships so your theory may work with a small percentage of douchebags who are going to be douchebags whether you live with them or have sex with them or not. Men who don't commit wouldn't commit just because you hold out sex or living together....they just aren't that into you and that is why they won't commit, or they have no regard for women or commitment to begin with.

As for your comment that I'm out of the loop because I'm not dating, my comment was about my own personal experience as I wasn't speaking for all men or women. Solid advice can come from many differing viewpoints, even ones who are in happy healthy relationships. That was all Acrosstheuniverse was asking for. Since she knows my background from being a long time member, she was aware of my background so I didn't feel the need to expound.

Best,

Grumps

 

Someone sounds defensive. I was opening up for debate. Of course I know holding out on sex isn't a way to make him commit. I was not implying your wife was a prostiute. I slept with my ex husband on the 3rd date and we stayed together 12 years. I would hardly say I was a slut, our connection was very strong then. As for you being out of the loop, sorry but how can you relate to what it is like for WOMEN in 2014? We have to compete with dating websites, friends with benifits, FB hook ups and everything else. Like I said I thought I was in a successful marriage and I gave tons of advice. Now that I am single I see I had no idea what I was talking about. Men now are different, if we women don't take care if ourselves there are men out there who will walk all over us. Yes, I have been called antiquated many times, that's ok. I am also respectable, disease free, and the type of woman your mother would be proud of and you would want your son to date.

[Shepp]

I used to. I was friends with my gf for a long time when we finally stepped it up and made it official we used to stay together nearly everynight. It was just a circumstance thing really - we sometimes stayed at hers when her dad was at his gfs, cause it gave us the place to ourselves but mostly we just stayed at mine, cause she'd always stayed over sometimes anyway and she didn't like being at the flat with her dad so just made sense.

 

I cant say I ever thought about it - id never heard this, "you'll burn it out" thing. I was just going with the flow! If what your doing is working for you I don't see the point forcing yourself to change it to no ones benefit! If your happy and he's happy just roll with it!

[Grumpybutfun]

Someone sounds defensive. I was opening up for debate. Of course I know holding out on sex isn't a way to make him commit. I was not implying your wife was a prostiute. I slept with my ex husband on the 3rd date and we stayed together 12 years. I would hardly say I was a slut, our connection was very strong then. As for you being out of the loop, sorry but how can you relate to what it is like for WOMEN in 2014? We have to compete with dating websites, friends with benifits, FB hook ups and everything else. Like I said I thought I was in a successful marriage and I gave tons of advice. Now that I am single I see I had no idea what I was talking about. Men now are different, if we women don't take care if ourselves there are men out there who will walk all over us. Yes, I have been called antiquated many times, that's ok. I am also respectable, disease free, and the type of woman your mother would be proud of and you would want your son to date.

 

I don't debate with opinions and life experiences..it isn't logical. I also wasn't being defensive, you might want to read your posts back out loud later when you get a moment. Nothing wrong with debate as long as you know exactly what you are debating, and I'm still unsure why I am the focus of yours unless it is because I am a married older man.....my experiences are still experiences though you think they unworthy of this situation.

Best,

G

 

 

I apologize Acrosstheuniverse for the thread jack, I know I shouldn't respond to jabs but I am rather bored today. If you only wanted opinions from women, I also apologize, as it wasn't in original post.

G

[Ninjainpajamas]

Is this one of those posts where you ask for advice but are really just asking for positive reinforcement because you're worried it'll fizzle out too soon because you're spending too much time together and things are going a bit fast but then you tell yourself you're just going to go with the flow because everything in life is a mystery and you can't do anything about it in the end anyway?

 

Well...go on...be free, you can ignore your "doubts" or gut feelings about this...after all, it's not like you really have that much time to think. And these people won't have what YOU have, even if their relationship failed and if they succeeded then you've probably got THAT kind of relationship, we're all one in a million, it makes perfect mathematical sense.

 

But never mind...you're just going to enjoy the moment and if it doesn't "work out" so be it..

 

As one of our greatest US president once said; (whom started the war with Iraq and Afghanistan in which we are now reaping great rewards and benefits from, aka the world now hates us)

 

George W Bush

 

"If it feels good, do it."

 

Life is so much easier when you ignore the consequences, isn't it? well at least up until you have to pay for them.

 

I think you will justify your relationship whatever is posted here, so good luck, after all, you gotta play to win!

 

On a less sarcastic and self-fulfilling note..

 

You sound like someone who knows already and is experienced enough with men to know when something doesn't feel right, so address it, don't ignore it...it's called communication, if you can so easily break your relationship with that then you never had much a relationship to begin with.

[RonaldS]

I started dating a woman once where, after a fairly short period, we began spending every night together. Typically I stayed at her place, because I'm a guy and don't need 75 different outfits, 200 pairs of shoes and two closets full of hair/face/nail/skin/elbow/eyelid/vag care products on hand at all times. But I kept my own place.

 

This went on for about 2 years. Then we moved in together. Then we got married and had babies. Sure, we divorced....but that was 14 years later and had nothing to do with us staying together when we first started seeing each other.

 

At the time, we liked each other and each other's company and it worked out fine.....or, as fine as any relationship can actually 'work out'.

[Joangel]

I don't debate with opinions and life experiences..it isn't logical. I also wasn't being defensive, you might want to read your posts back out loud later when you get a moment. Nothing wrong with debate as long as you know exactly what you are debating, and I'm still unsure why I am the focus of yours unless it is because I am a married older man.....my experiences are still experiences though you think they unworthy of this situation.

Best,

G

 

 

I apologize Acrosstheuniverse for the thread jack, I know I shouldn't respond to jabs but I am rather bored today. If you only wanted opinions from women, I also apologize, as it wasn't in original post.

 

 

It was posted for public option after all wasn't it? Or was I mistaken? What is point of a community forum then? Anyway, let it lie. I don't like to argue in the read world or the cyber world. Enjoy the rest of your day.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Is this one of those posts where you ask for advice but are really just asking for positive reinforcement because you're worried it'll fizzle out too soon because you're spending too much time together and things are going a bit fast but then you tell yourself you're just going to go with the flow because everything in life is a mystery and you can't do anything about it in the end anyway?

 

You sound like someone who knows already and is experienced enough with men to know when something doesn't feel right, so address it, don't ignore it...it's called communication, if you can so easily break your relationship with that then you never had much a relationship to begin with.

 

I'm actually really happy with how it's going, I wouldn't have him over or be at his every night if I wasn't really enjoying it. My interest in the topic was piqued by another topic (if you see my posting history) and I decided to make my own thread rather than jack somebody else's. I wouldn't see a need to lie to myself and others on an anonymous forum anyway!

 

It doesn't feel too fast for us. I know anything can end at any time because I've been there. So I'm just enjoying the here and now, we are making plans for the future but if they don't materialise together I'll continue to carry them out alone.

 

It does feel right, but I welcome all opinions on the subject. It's something I've never experienced before in a relationship so I'm curious as to how other people's experiences correlate. I didn't even think to post about it here until somebody else's thread made me think about it. But of course, you can just take all of this as justification and that is of course your right.