When married friends appear to be flirting - should you end the friendship?

[melodicintention]

I've had a couple of my male friends who are married write to me some questionable things. Both of these are guys I've known over 20 years now. They aren't the first to do this, but they are the first that concerned me due to how close of friends they are supposed to be.

 

One guy recently wrote an email to me when he was drunk telling me how he secretly lusted after me. I wrote him back and told him he should keep that information to himself. He also faulted on a promise to me at the same time to do a simple favor, yet had time to hit on me, so I was really offput and decided to remove him from my social media and to stop talking to him after 20+ years of knowing each other platonicly.

 

Another friend recently texted me and said I need to post more pictures of myself on facebook because he can't "stalk me properly." This was a joke, but you know when people are kidding, they are often serious. He's married too.

 

It really bothers me when these guys do this. If I were their wives I would be so mad. It puts me in an awkward place. I guess my question is, should I end these friendships or just say sternly to cut out this behavior or else? I feel awkward around them now.

[Grumpybutfun]

This is inappropriate behavior and so very disrespectful to their wives and to you. I wouldn't dream of doing either to my female friends and they know better than to do this to me because when they have in the past done anything that made me feel uncomfortable or felt like they were hitting on me, I have told them it was unacceptable and our friendship was based in them being able to act like they respect my wife and also me. Call them out first, let them know your boundaries and if they continue to do so you can end the friendship. Let them know this is where these friendships are heading if they act inappropriately again.

Best,

Grumps

[d0nnivain]

I wouldn't end the friendship over what I call harmless flirting but to me that's a PG rated comment when you are thrown together.

 

It doesn't cross the line into an intentional persuit. I would definitely drop the guy / friend who sent you the letter. I would tell the other guy his FB comment made you uncomfortable. If he didn't apologize or he did it again, I'd add a lot of distance.

 

Sometimes, people don't realize they are being inappropriate. They think they are funny.

 

A work colleague gave me a flirty comment about a sexy dress I was wearing at a black tie event several years ago. We'd always joked around & I simply said thank you to the compliment & didn't think anything about it. A few weeks later, he made another comment about my dress. Far too much time had passed in my mind for him to still be remembering what I had worn weeks earlier. I sort of frowned at him & walked away. The third time he said something, months later, I called him out. I told him that since he was married (I was single not even dating at the time), his fascination with my outfit was making me uncomfortable & I wanted him to stop. He was properly chastized at that point.

 

A few months after that I suspected he was having an affair with a different colleague. I think his comments were testing the waters to see if I was interested. Had he been single I would have been all over him but while he was married, I just found the whole thing gross.

[preraph]

Yeah, tell them both you don't think it's fun or funny and that it places you in an awkward situation and they need to knock it off because you would pick their wives over them in a loyalty bid.

[writergal]

Men who flirt with their female friends don't really respect the friendship.

 

I mean, what's the point? It just sends the woman either a red flag message that he's a perv, or a mixed message that he's attracted to her (when he probably isn't).

 

And of course men who flirt with their female friends know what they're doing is inappropriate. No man on earth has every flirted with a female friend "by accident." Sarcasm and innuendo are easily distinguished from the other when it comes to the way men flirt with women.

 

ETA: when a male friend flirts with me it hurts my feelings because its disingenuous and makes me feel like a convenient plaything for him. If a man flirts with me, he'd better follow it up with an offer for something romantic not an excuse of "oh I didn't mean it you took it the wrong way, sorry."

Edited April 28, 2014 by writergal

[SoleMate]

Flirting is harmless and innocent. "Secret lust" and "stalking" are not flirting and are not harmless. Any email they send you that couldn't be happily read by either spouse is an offense against both marriages.

[whichwayisup]

They are not 'true' and 'real' friends to you and your marriage/husband. If they were, those lines would never EVER be crossed as the respect and boundaries would automatically be there. Those guys are idiots and for them both to say stuff like that (sadly) shows how little respect they have for you and your friendship to begin with. If any of my male friends, especially ones from my childhood that I've known for 20+ years, known my H too, said that to me I'd be pissed off and walk away.

[Smilecharmer]

Most men are terrified of my very protective husband so they definitely do not disrespect me or him. He won't tolerate it. I like it! I don't like men who try stuff with me and then say they were just flirting. Obviously that one guy at work was looking for something more.

[Valen]

I also think it depends how much do you value these friendships. If they don't add anything to the quality of your life, then it's no big deal to fade away from them.

[darkmoon]

they sound bad, I have had come-ons from friends' boyfriends, I never took them up, I also had one boyfriend who made a pass at a friend of mine