owenbradford Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I don't know if this is the right place for this. I'd been seeing a woman for about two years, and we got along fantastic. We had great chemistry, great sex, but also a great time with each other. We really clicked and seemed to understand each other. I think we've both shared more about ourselves with the other than we have with anyone else in our lives. We definitely had that exciting, new relationship, passionate love thing going, and it lead to a deeper connection--a romantic or compassionate love. Long about 6 months ago we were experiencing some bumps in the road. We separated by circumstances for a while, and prior to that, the spark had been fading a little--that passionate love (which had been around for 18-24 months) was starting to fade, but the compassionate/romantic love was strong as ever. She said she didn't love the me the way she should (e.g., she didn't the relationship to go on without the same intensity of passionate love that she liked--note that she had left previous relationships when the passionate love gave way...sometimes because there was nothing there when it was gone, and sometimes leaving compassionate love behind). Our romance shifted over time to a friendship. We talk every day. Both of us would identify the other as our best friend. The person that we know best, who knows us best, who we would trust with anything. We help each other with different things. The circumstances that separated us have resolved, and we now see each other several times a week. Every once in a while, we go out, and that spark emerges, and we end up kissing and sometimes having sex. The problem is that during the period of our relationship that was strictly a friendship she met someone else--a fling that she didn't think would amount to anything, but she got consumed by him and he turned out to be a jerk. They were on and off for about three months. She says she was always miserable in the relationship, but somehow can't seem to get over him. The problem is that she fell the power of that passionate, new relationship infatuation or love or whatever you want to call it that she loves so much, even though she knows that there's no compassionate love likely to come from this relationship. As her friend, I worry that she'll never truly be happy because she's always chasing a feeling that doesn't last--at least not at the intensity that she desires. As someone who still loves her, I want nothing more than for her to realize that romantic love that we share is enough, especially when that passionate love is clearly not extinct--it's just not a intense as it is at the start of a relationship. So my questions to you all--what do you people think about passionate vs. compassionate love? Can you have a relationships with one and not the other? Do you need them both? Am I crazy to still be interested in her? What do I make of the times we go out and the passion surfaces and we end up together that night? On those nights she tells me that she feels the chemistry, but other times she says she doesn't love me enough or love me the right way. I also know that this other guy is in her head--do I hold out hope that once she's over him, she and I may have another shot? Ugh.
Frank2thepoint Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 So my questions to you all--what do you people think about passionate vs. compassionate love? Can you have a relationships with one and not the other? Do you need them both? Am I crazy to still be interested in her? What do I make of the times we go out and the passion surfaces and we end up together that night? On those nights she tells me that she feels the chemistry, but other times she says she doesn't love me enough or love me the right way. I also know that this other guy is in her head--do I hold out hope that once she's over him, she and I may have another shot? Ugh. Passionate love is what ignites a relationship initially, compassionate love is what sustains it, still fanning the embers of passionate love which can be easily reignited periodically. Compassionate love is for longevity, but passionate love can always be reintroduced if both members of the relationship want it to. Therefore you definitely need both to have a healthy long term relationship. There is nothing wrong in you being interested in her because you possess both passionate and compassionate love for her. In addition, you understand that concept of each and how it can help sustain a relationship. Unfortunately, your female partner-in-crime does not share this understanding. She only focuses on passionate love, the intensity, which is seductive to her. Compassionate love requires work, commitment, and patience. She doesn't sound like she is willing to put in that type of commitment. Since you know she is thinking about another guy, pining for the passion and drama she had with him, she will never be ready for a serious relationship with you, if at all in her life. It is a hard thing to do is let go of someone you love compassionately, but ultimately it is better for you. Keep her as a friend, but don't bet on a future with her. Since you are capable of both passionate and compassionate love, find yourself a woman that also has this capacity as well.
Eivuwan Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 OP, she sounds like she is still in the high school dating stage in which passionate love is everything. You can't make her realize what you realize. Actually, the only thing you can do is move on and maybe, just maybe she will then know what she really wants. But what you are doing right now is completely useless. Don't you want someone who is as committed to you as you are to her?
Author owenbradford Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 Thanks, I appreciate your response. It's interesting because I've tried to talk with her about the difference and express my concern as a friend that she'll always set herself up to be disappointed eventually. She gets it, but I'm not sure she's swayed at this point--perhaps because of the other guy in her head. One of the things that I told her that I think is really true is that sometimes we have relationships that end before the passionate love starts to fade, and I think we trick ourselves into thinking that the passionate love in that relationship would be long lasting. In reality, it will eventually need to give way to compassionate/romantic love or end because there is nothing left in the relationship. Interestingly enough, we've both been married before. Her for 9 years, me for 14 years. Both of our marriages started out like most with passion and gave way to compassionate love, but neither of us nurtured it well enough--partially due to our own mistakes and partially due to our respective partners at the time. We're both capable of long-term relationships and have had them exist beyond the passionate stage, but we're both 40 now, and I think she's concerned that she'll never find that passionate love again--when in fact she's found it many times but has been disappointed that either it faded or incompatibility caused the relationship to fail before it faded (which she typically blames herself for causing). Thanks again for your comments.
Author owenbradford Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 Thanks for your response Eivuwan. Of course I want someone as committed to me as I am to them. That's the hard part--we've been there before--but circumstances interfered with the relationship and killed the spark for her. She's felt the compassionate love for me--she knows that that's there. The problem is that she's so caught up on the passionate love and so concerned that it's not a prevalent as it is in the start of a relationship that she may walk away from something that's deeper and better in many ways. I know how good it can be. I think we both do. I just don't know if it can ever be that good again. And my other concern is that there's no one out there that compares to her in my mind. I know that she's as stuck in my head as the other guy is in hers--it's screwed up. Just as she's no good to anyone right now with him in her head, I'm probably no good to anyone either.
Grumpybutfun Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Your friend likes limerence. Look it up as it is actually what people feel and mistake it for love. Your friend sounds a bit immature, as in being in love with love and also turning your relationship into friendship and still expecting you to act like a bf. I wouldn't do it, it is only going to confuse and hurt you more anymore over time. Move on too and find someone who knows the difference between love and limerence. Your friend doesn't. In order to have a great healthy relationship, you have to have both passionate and romantic love. Some people who exist on just romantic love, you will find have given up on themselves to a degree, gotten bored with themselves and therefore their partner or they no longer try to be the sexy, vibrant, energetic person their partner fell for in the first place. I work very hard in staying fit, being well groomed, a good man and sweeping her off her feet... We don't let ourselves get passive in our pursuit of each other even though we already are married. As we have seen on this forum, when the passion dies, the marriage can sometimes die if it doesn't have a strong foundation and temptation comes along. Therefore, we know that one of our priorities is to make the other feel like they are the most special and wanted person on the planet. Passionate and romantic love must coexist. I have had it for twenty one years with my lovely bride. We get just as flushed, heated and turned on as the day we met or now even more so. Kindness and respect can go a long way in keeping things positive and romantic between a couple...it is more about the everyday than the big gestures just not to get into trouble. Limerence is about the big gestures and the instant gratification and love is about the everyday and the loyalty and support. Love is pretty amazing because it is about giving up ego and working on empathy and positivity. Passion is about being energetic and enthusiastic about the other person to the detriment of everything else in the world and is pretty spectacular too. Limerence is like eating a chopped steak while love and passion are about having a filet mignon with the best Sauvignon in the world. Best, Grumps 1
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