suave115 Posted February 5, 2005 Posted February 5, 2005 I have a question for other women about how your female friends react to your dating experiences. I'm a 26 year old woman, I'm having a little bit of trouble with a couple of my friends. I feel like there's this underlying competition about how many guys hit on you, or ask you out, or who you're dating. The competition does not come from me, I'm pretty secure with myself, I feel attractive to men. In the past month, about four different men have pursued me (when it rains, it pours, i guess) and i've been dating casually, just getting to know different people. But I feel like this one friend of mine is constantly trying to keep up with me or one up me. It's like she tells me when any guy compliments her or whenever she makes out with a guy, she has to IM me or text message me about it right away. One night when we were out just the two of us, and she was drunk, she said to me "Yeah, it's been three months since I've hooked up or had sex with a guy....and you hooked up with so and so last week, so now you're ahead of me." I didn't say anything at the time, but internally I was like "Whoa! Where is this competition coming from? Why are you keeping track of this kind of stuff?" It made me really uncomfortable. In the next few days, she started hooking up with whatever guy she could find when she was out at night. I feel like it was just to feel good about herself or something. I'm having a hard time b/c I feel like it's nice to be able to share your experiences with your female friends, but I'm beginning to not want to do that with this girl b/c I feel like anytime I tell her about a guy, she'll get into competition mode and feel like she's gotta keep up. It's irritating! Have any other women felt this way? I'm particularly interested in hearing from women in their twenties...
CurvyGurl Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 For some reason, I experience this with friends myself. Most of my friends have dated, and dated ALOT. They could be on a self imposed break, and if I meet someone they have to instantly go out and meet someone, too! I'm thinking, let me have a little bit of fun, ok? There some old saying that women are our own worst enemies. Women are competitive, especially about men. I do not know why! I find that a few friends are one of two types Entirely too romantic: These are the friends that are 'ooooooohhh'ing and 'aaaaaahh'ing at everything you say about him. They count how many times you say his name and pick on you if you mention something about him. And they start calling you by his last name and ask you when's the wedding. Entirely too cynical: These gals mean well, they want to save you from hurt. But they're so negative. Upon receiving reports of meeting some one new, their response is 'well you just watch your back, all men are stinking, thieving LIARS AND I HATE THEEEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMM!' or 'let's see how long you can keep this one around' or 'yeah he's great till you find him IN BED WITH YOUR SISTEEEERRRRRRRR!' These women have...... issues. I have two friends that are really level headed women that I share things with. Other than that, I just share anectodes and funny stories as they happen. Screw telling everyone everything.
JoL Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 Ahh most of my good friends are in long term relationships (and we are only all around the age of 22!!!), we sit around talking about our boyfriends (when im in a rship) or the latest crush one of our single friends has..it's a laid back vibe and just really supportive. Ive never felt competitive with them. luckily, i dont have competitve friends..but i used to! i knew a girl at uni who was VERY much like this, she would sms msg me to tell me how many guys she met that weekend (i was in a 2-year rship at that stage)..and it really annoyed me, because she wasnt interested in these guys, just interested in making herself look sexy and appealing through their attention! As i previously mentioned, at the time i was in a relationship and she would constantly say "i could NEVER settle down with one guy! It's so boring!".........!!!!!!!!! Meanwhile I was happy with my boyfriend and felt like i had to somehow defend myself. She would go on about how many hot guys she kissed/talked to/was hit on by.. Some girls have low self esteem- the only way they can feel secure in themselves is through the attention of various strange men. Sad, but true i'm afraid.
jgs78 Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 suave115, I am going through this with one of my friends right now. She has always kind of been competitive by nature but I have never been one to think of it as being a competition. The other thing about her is that she is the kind of person who is only happy for you when things in her life are going well. For example, I am having a rough time, I was dating a guy for a month and a bit and he just broke it off on Monday. She has been dating the current guy she is with for a little bit less time but everything is going really well. It's almost to the point where she is calling him her boyfriend. ANYWAY so instead of really being supportive, she gives me the "get over him" lines and then goes on to tell me how everything is going so swimmingly with her love interest. The rest of my friends either are in relationships or are dating but are not like this friend. I don't understand why she is this way and I would LOVE to know how you can express to your friend who is this way that what they are doing is hurting your friendship if they don't think they are doing anything wrong. All I can say is that what I have been finding myself doing is trying not to talk about dating with her at all. It's hard to do it, but I think that that is ultimately the best solution. I can talk about dating with the friends who are positive influences. I definitely agree that people who are competitive are negative or have self-esteem issues. My friend walks around with an air that she is beautiful (which she is), she is not God's gift to men, but you can tell that she has insecurity issues because if she was comfortable with herself, she wouldn't have to act like she better than other people. ANYWAY sorry to go off on a tangent, but I totally know where you are coming from. Just keep remembering how great you are and don't let your friend get you down. If it really affects you a lot, you should let her know how you feel, or just don't spend too much time talking about dating with her.
suave115 Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 Thanks everyone for the replies so far. I'm glad to hear that other women have experienced this kind of stuff. Lately I've been finding that it's best for me to talk about guys and dating with my friends who are in serious relationships. I feel like since they're in a different situation, they're less competitive about it all. They listen to me and give me advice without any ulterior motive. I think I will avoid talking about dating with this one competitive friend of mine. Any advice on how to do that? It's hard b/c we talk often and usually know each other's whereabouts. Recently, I've been trying to cut back on some of our contact, but she either emails me or texts me everyday to find out what I'm up to. And if I don't respond, she gets annoyed. If I tell her that I'm going to the movies with so and so, she'll inevitably email me the next day asking how it went, what else we did, etc. Is this normal? To be in so much contact all the time? With my other close friends, we talk often but not everyday, and we certainly don't feel the need to find out what the other one is doing every night. I guess I just feel suffocated but don't know how to pull back. I really DON'T want to talk to her about my feelings - I just think it would make things too awkward. Should I just give as few details as possible when she asks me about stuff? Cause she's the type to notice that and call me out on it and say that I'm being secretive or whatever. AAAAH, I hate this crap, I hate feeling like I have to monitor myself when I'm with her. But at the same time, I don't want this competition stuff to ruin our friendship.
jgs78 Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 Hmmmm, sounds like your friend is just like mine. You answered your own question by the way, - Should I just give as few details as possible when she asks me about stuff? - YES! That is exactly what you should do! If you still want to remain friends with her and don't want her comptetive thinking to ruin your friendship, it's up to you to cut back on the talking of dating. She should get the hint after awhile when she asks you how your dates have been and you give her little snippets of information. HOWEVER, if this doesn't work, then you need to tell her you are upset by her actions. Friends are supposed to be supportive of each other but I guess unfortunately, when it comes to men, it is a different story. When you are going through the dating world, you need positive influences around you. I end up doing the same thing you do, talking to friends in relationships about my dates (when there are dates or even when the well is dry! ) OH that's the other thing I was going to ask you. Does your friend's mood almost change when she finds out that you haven't had any dates for awhile? Like does she seem almost relieved or worse, happy?
suave115 Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 That's a really good question, and I've found it to be true. She is a much better friend to me when I'm either NOT dating at all or when I'm in a committed relationship. Probably because I represent less of a threat to her. I think it points to a larger issue - that many women can only be friends with women who don't "threaten" them in some way, either in looks, intellect, or dating. All of this makes me wonder about the nature of female friendships....
Scarlett_girl Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 one of my best friends is like this! we are both very attractive girls but in entirely different ways....opposites actually!(shes german I'm Italian..) so you would think that there would eb no competition but yet..if I talk about the guy I like...she always has to bring something up to one up me..like "oh some guy gave me free coffee" or "a guy honked at me..i love being a blond" like she wants to bring me down a notch..when she does that I just shrug her off...i'm hotter anyway!
jgs78 Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 Wow, it seems like we have that one thing in common. Have either of you girls heard of the term schadenfreund? (sp?) It pretty much means a friend who wishes that their friend have a downfall. There are always friends like this who exist and you just have to make sure that you don't get wrapped up in it. Of course it is all to easy to say this when I go through it myself. Scarlett girl, That is too funny that your friend is German and you are Italian, so you are like night and day just like my friend and me. She is German and I am mixed with dark hair. I can totally relate, I try and shrug it off and think positively. It's hard even though you don't personally feel as if there is competition. Anyway I just don't understand why we can't all be supportive of each other since we're all in the same boat. Everyone deserves to be happy.
suave115 Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 Anyway, I agree, the whole competition thing is just ridiculous. I wish I could have genuine, true friendships without competition getting in the way. With this one friend of mine, at times she seems to be very caring and inquisitive about my love life, how I feel about who I'm dating, etc. But on numerous occassions when we've gone out with a group of people to bars and clubs, and she starts drinking, she'll make comments to me about whatever guy starts talking to me or flirting with me. Things like "I don't think he's that cute AT ALL." And I haven't even asked her opinion! Once the alcohol starts flowing, her true nature comes out. If another one of our friends was talking to this same guy, she wouldn't make that comment, guaranteed. But with me, she does. I don't know why. Maybe she feels closer to me and thus more at ease making those kinds of comments. But I feel like it's more based on jealousy and competitiveness. It makes me not want to be around her a lot of times, although that's next to impossible since we're in the same social circle and ALWAYS go out together. Thanks everyone for your replies so far. It's nice to be able to vent and know that other people have similar experiences. I guess I'm just feeling the need for genuine, true friendship without competition getting in the way. I'm having a hard time finding that lately....
suave115 Posted February 11, 2005 Posted February 11, 2005 So yeah, I took some of the advice so far and tried to stop talking about my dates with this one friend. But it's not so easy. If my Instant Messenger isn't on, then she'll inevitably email me or text me every single day! To find out what I'm up to, who I'm going with, etc. We're really close friends, but this just feels excessive to me! And if I say I'm not comfortable talking about my relationships over instant messenger, she'll say something along the lines of "but you always did before." She gets pissy and nitpicky. AAAAAHHHH. Please help.
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