badkarma2013 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 (edited) I have read both books ...Womens Infidelity...if found them quite enlighting... After my D ...did a lot of searching and research .... My question to WWs does this apply ( if you've read the books). or can you see yourself in the below quote.. I mean this in no way to appear sexist...only searching for True answers. “Most women go through life looking for love, and looking for someone to treat them like a queen. For some women finding real love seems to be something that will never happen. I believe that finding love is not as hard as people make it seem. The reason that some women can't find real love is because they look for more than just real love. A lot of women know what they need in a relationship, and thats for a man to love that woman with all of his heart, and to treat her real good. Most women have guys in their life or guys that try to get with them that could really love them and treat them real good. Those are usually the guys that get forced into that friend zone or rejected upfront. See those guys could give them what they need, but not what they want. “Wants” can be anything from a woman wanting a man to have certain materialistic things, or she could want him to look a certain way, those are a few examples of the things that some of them want, but they vary depending on the female. What some females don't understand is that none of the things that they want has anything with love or how that person will treat you. You could find a man that looks perfect, has a house and car, he can be a college graduate with a good job, and you could still end up being with a person that doesn't truly love you, and will treat you like ****. What I am trying to say is that the person who could treat you good and really love you could already be in your life, but you could have been blinded by the things you want in a man so you overlooked the person that you were really looking for. And by the way there are men that do the same thing; I just wanted to be clear on that.” Taïsen Deshimaru Edited April 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Italicize quote and move to GRD 2
gettingstronger Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I am a BS not a WW but the impression I get from our OW not only from her convos with my husband but my interactions with her as well is this- She married right out of college, had 3 kids pretty quickly and was the "it family"- real life snuck in along with an economic downturn and she ended up in a marriage that pretty much looks like a lot of other marriages- she since then has had a series of affairs which I think give her that boost she wants-feeling like a queen as you wrote-my husband travels a lot-she would travel to meet him-staying in hotels, eating on an expense account, getting dressed up to go some place other than Chilis with the family made her feel special- Its ironic- she told me my husband was so proud to have her on his arm when they went out because she looked so hot-BUT when a co worker caught them out he thought she was a hooker- They fed each others egos and need to recapture something, I am not sure what-but my husband now feels humiliated by his actions and what he thought and did- 1
janedoe67 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 It could apply to some but not all WW. Is that quoted directly from the book? 1
Appreciate Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 (edited) But here's the thing... those women are MARRIED. Often with kids. The ones who fall into this trap of needing to be swept off their feet because a happy, healthy marriage aren't enough for them anymore? They are weak. Just my opinion. They don't make for good wives or good mothers, because they are way to wrapped up in their own world of needs and wants. They are not real marriage material. Same goes for the man who is not satisfied by raising a family. Any guy who breaks up his family for a mistress is pathetic and should be treated as such. A man who has not burned before will not pick up on this Women's Infidelity until it happens to him. Some men will.. they have picked up on what women want versus what they say want. Many others wind up here, as BHs stabbed in the back by someone they thought was their heart and soul but instead was subconsciously always on the lookout for options. The reality is this is how many women operate, unfortunately. Maybe it is biological in nature, and should probably viewed in that light. Women do seem to understand their own nature much less than men understand men's nature. As the author notes in her book, it sneaks up on them and they weren't expecting it. Edited April 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Appreciate Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Yet it's the way it works. I'm sure the women on this board can give insight. Maybe they've seen this with people they know.
JourneyLady Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 (edited) As one who has been both (and this is no excuse - I had poor boundaries), I always felt I was a "bother" to my ex-husband. Work came first always and if something I needed interfered with it, I always felt guilty for wanting to be first in his life. Even on D-day (of HIS affair) when I wanted to go out of town for the weekend so we could talk things over, it was like he was being "forced" to do it, and didn't really want to take time off to get honest with each other and reconnect and decide what to do next. Also he was never fully honest with me in any way with his feelings because he so feared confrontation. The man didn't have a spine and I could sense it through the entire marriage. So there I was not getting enough sex, not feeling he wanted me as anything but someone to play his role to, and that small voice telling me I didn't know who he REALLY was. I didn't know who I was married to... I chose to have an online affair. Stupid rationalizations but 1) I got the attention I wanted without "bothering" him or risking disease by having actual sex with a live person. 2) This person helped me understand myself a bit better and acted as a mirror where I started to grow up a bit. 3) Pointed out where it was obvious my ex was not being honest with me... So yes, some men seem to have it all - but they are addicted to work and coupled with that and the lack of a spine.... It can be enormously difficult for a woman to figure out what to do. That said, there is NO EXCUSE for an affair... I just should have walked first. Yet being completely dependent on him, I found it too difficult. I was trying to compromise by meeting my needs (for attention) and his (to not be bothered or detracting from his work). (As far as my mother was concerned, he was perfect because he never abused me and he had a good job. She could never sense that there is something wrong with someone who never objects to anything that goes on or loses their cool... Edited April 27, 2014 by JourneyLady
compulsivedancer Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I have read both books ...Womens Infidelity...if found them quite enlighting... After my D ...did a lot of searching and research .... My question to WWs does this apply ( if you've read the books). or can you see yourself in the below quote.. I mean this in no way to appear sexist...only searching for True answers. “Most women go through life looking for love, and looking for someone to treat them like a queen. For some women finding real love seems to be something that will never happen. I believe that finding love is not as hard as people make it seem. The reason that some women can't find real love is because they look for more than just real love. A lot of women know what they need in a relationship, and thats for a man to love that woman with all of his heart, and to treat her real good. Most women have guys in their life or guys that try to get with them that could really love them and treat them real good. Those are usually the guys that get forced into that friend zone or rejected upfront. See those guys could give them what they need, but not what they want. “Wants” can be anything from a woman wanting a man to have certain materialistic things, or she could want him to look a certain way, those are a few examples of the things that some of them want, but they vary depending on the female. What some females don't understand is that none of the things that they want has anything with love or how that person will treat you. You could find a man that looks perfect, has a house and car, he can be a college graduate with a good job, and you could still end up being with a person that doesn't truly love you, and will treat you like ****. What I am trying to say is that the person who could treat you good and really love you could already be in your life, but you could have been blinded by the things you want in a man so you overlooked the person that you were really looking for. And by the way there are men that do the same thing; I just wanted to be clear on that.” ― Taïsen Deshimaru I know lots of girls who can't see a nice guy in their lives. Usually they chalk this up to chemistry. This is not specific to married women. In my case, OM was not some bad boy - I perceived him as being another nice guy just like my H. Actually, I had defenses set up against the "bad boys." I didn't know I needed them against the nice guys.
Radu Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 But here's the thing... those women are MARRIED. Often with kids. The ones who fall into this trap of needing to be swept off their feet because a happy, healthy marriage aren't enough for them anymore? They are weak. Just my opinion. They don't make for good wives or good mothers, because they are way to wrapped up in their own world of needs and wants. They are not real marriage material. Same goes for the man who is not satisfied by raising a family. Any guy who breaks up his family for a mistress is pathetic and should be treated as such. A man who has not burned before will not pick up on this Women's Infidelity until it happens to him. Some men will.. they have picked up on what women want versus what they say want. Many others wind up here, as BHs stabbed in the back by someone they thought was their heart and soul but instead was subconsciously always on the lookout for options. The reality is this is how many women operate, unfortunately. Maybe it is biological in nature, and should probably viewed in that light. Women do seem to understand their own nature much less than men understand men's nature. As the author notes in her book, it sneaks up on them and they weren't expecting it. A couple of yrs ago i had the chance to ask some gay women if they understood women ... turns out they had the same level of understanding that straight guys had. I found it's best to look at the actions and only actions.
Confusion_Reigns Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I can’t speak for all WW’s out there just for myself. No. this is not accurate. I do want love and respect. This is not what I get from my H. He may love me as well as he can but it’s not the type of love I want in my life long term. Ahhh….long story short….the price of his love and respect is too high for me to continue to pay. I simply cannot and will not continue to live this way for the long term. We’ve been together about 20 yrs and he’s got about one more year with me. If he couldn’t pull it together in 20 yrs I highly doubt he can pull it together in the next 12 months. I do have a male friend that I talk to. Maybe date? Or hangout with? Idk what the terms are these days, lol. We talk an awful lot, share many things, and our friendship has progressed to a deep loving place. I don’t know what the future holds from him and I…and honestly I’m not trying to weigh it all down with expectations….I enjoy talking to him and he enjoys talking to me. So we talk. He is…or seems to be… the polar opposite of my H…and it’s refreshing….to be able to just talk to him and know I don’t have to ‘pay’ him for his time and thoughts. I think it’s easy and simplistic to look into someone else’s life and think you know what’s really going on. But nothing is ever as it seems. My H and I look like the perfect couple….but looks are deceiving….and no one knows the hell of this crap I deal with on a daily bases from him…and from me too. I look at my son and know I need to do what I need to do for his sake. I could walk away now very easily except for my son. I will not allow him to be the pawn. 1
Author badkarma2013 Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 But here's the thing... those women are MARRIED. Often with kids. The ones who fall into this trap of needing to be swept off their feet because a happy, healthy marriage aren't enough for them anymore? They are weak. Just my opinion. They don't make for good wives or good mothers, because they are way to wrapped up in their own world of needs and wants. They are not real marriage material. Same goes for the man who is not satisfied by raising a family. Any guy who breaks up his family for a mistress is pathetic and should be treated as such. A man who has not burned before will not pick up on this Women's Infidelity until it happens to him. Some men will.. they have picked up on what women want versus what they say want. Many others wind up here, as BHs stabbed in the back by someone they thought was their heart and soul but instead was subconsciously always on the lookout for options. The reality is this is how many women operate, unfortunately. Maybe it is biological in nature, and should probably viewed in that light. Women do seem to understand their own nature much less than men understand men's nature. As the author notes in her book, it sneaks up on them and they weren't expecting it. I my case it made perfect sense as the BH....BUT too late...if you have read any of my post...my wife (with what she did with the OM and him eventually showing pics to me destroyed any hope of R)....I destroyed his life as well by notifing his BW, as she destroyed him financially in his D. Then, I saw sooo many things ,but saw nothing at the same time. I would like to think ive learned a great deal from the horror we all suffered....but then again I NEVER SAW THE DEPTH OF THE LIES AND DECEIT THAT SHE DEALT OUT TO ALL OF US.
atreides Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 OP, did you ever ask or try to figure out why your wife of 22 years would do the sexual acts with her AP that she stated as disgusting to you? Do you think she was lying the whole time or it was more the chemical and "new fun" for a lack of a better word that drove her to do those acts. I ask this because in many posts you bring up those pictures the OM showed you and I am sure that the visuals utterly destroy and hope, but did you get to the bottom of why?
Author badkarma2013 Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 (edited) I think she was so caught up in the moment and with what she thought she felt with the OM...She would have and Did whatever he wanted... Right before our D was granted...I asked her...Why..and how could you do things that for YEARS you considered Disgusting....She started to cry and said.....he found a NEED I did not KNOW I HAD....At the time it made no sense...whatever it meant i believe ,At That Moment she told me the truth. Edited May 2, 2014 by badkarma2013 1
Recommended Posts