Gaeta Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 (edited) Ok so bf and I hit the 2 month mark. He feels we're passed making each other invitations to come over. If we're free we call the other and say 'can I come over'. I know he has no problem doing it and he's welcome here anytime. On the other hand I have a hard time with 'inviting myself'. Yesterday he worked all day and I would have loved to bring dinner when he got home but that would have meant 'inviting myself'. So I didn't, stayed home, alone. I don't know why I have such a hart time with it. It is because the relationship is too young? maybe it's cultural, maybe generational. I don't know but looks like I am the one not getting with the program here. How did that work for you? How long did you proceed with 'invitations'? Edited April 27, 2014 by Gaeta
d0nnivain Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I'm a fairly formal & stuffy person. The invitations continued until the day DH moved in here. At the very least, there's a heads up phone call. 2
Gottabestrong Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 In all my relationships we have never just invited ourselves. I never just showed up at a boyfriend's nor he at mine. That only every changed when we moved in together. How come your boyfriend did not invite himself over to your place or ask you what you were doing? I get your reluctance to just show up at his place or to just say 'I am coming over', after all he could have made other plans. I would never just assume my boyfriend is just hanging around waiting for me to show up. I would always ask what he is doing that day/night and if he says he is free then I might ask if he wants to get together. 1
Legatus Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I'm not surprised you feel weird. I always try to arrange when I come over, because you never know what they might be doing. The thing only changed when I lived with someone. Otherwise it's always "hey, if you're not busy I can come over tonight", or something.. I think the fact that you can invite yourself is more about being comfortable with you any time, but it would still be polite to ask. Don't worry : ) 1
Ruby Slippers Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I've never experienced such a thing. Sounds lazy and lame to me. My partners and I have always made enthusiastic plans to see each other for the duration of the relationship. Your bf's lazy approach would be a huge turn-off to me. I wouldn't go for it at all. 2
Author Gaeta Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 In all my relationships we have never just invited ourselves. I never just showed up at a boyfriend's nor he at mine. That only every changed when we moved in together. How come your boyfriend did not invite himself over to your place or ask you what you were doing? I get your reluctance to just show up at his place or to just say 'I am coming over', after all he could have made other plans. I would never just assume my boyfriend is just hanging around waiting for me to show up. I would always ask what he is doing that day/night and if he says he is free then I might ask if he wants to get together. He did not mean to just show up at his place, and he never just showed up at mine. He calls first. What he means is we don't need to invite each other, we just ask if we're free and if so we go over. He said he did not offer anything Saturday because he knew I was sick and probably not up to driving there (40km). If I did feel better I should have said so and invite myself over.
acrosstheuniverse Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 In my relationships it generally just involves taking turns, one day one partner will say 'so, when are you free?' or 'do you want to grab dinner tomorrow?' and the next day will be the other partner's turn. No score keeping, just naturally seems to happen. However, in my current relationship of a few months, we seem to have reached the stage where it's presumed that we are going to be sleeping over together each night, at one of our houses or the other. It's been that way for about a month. I've never experienced this kind of thing before, and neither has he. In previous relationships I might have a sleepover 1-4 times a week, but I've never really had it where it's assumed you see each other every day. A little of me wonders if it's overkill and going to force it to run its course too early, but neither of us thinks that will happen so we are just rolling with it. It's really nice, knowing that we're doing our own thing during the day or some nights seeing our friends or one of us working, but at the end of the night unless there's a particular reason, we'll crawl into bed together at one of our houses. There was no decision made, it just started being 'see you tonight?' and kinda continued from there. If it crashes, it crashes. Right now we're both enjoying it so I guess I'll see what happens. All of my previous relationships have obviously failed for one reason or another despite not being this full on this quickly so no harm in a change. I wonder if anybody else has had a relationship where you're not living together but see each other every night, and how far into the relationship that started happening/how?
Damaged217 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I wonder if anybody else has had a relationship where you're not living together but see each other every night, and how far into the relationship that started happening/how? I am the same way with my BF of 5 months. He sleeps over at my place almost every night and, I too, worry about things fizzling out because of it. He started doing that about 2 months in. I guess there's no point in worrying about things that may or may not happen. Like you, I'm just living in the present right now. OP, I have been with my BF for 5 months and although I've told him he's welcome at any time (I just asked him to give me a heads up in case I had plans), he still always asks me, "Am I coming over?" I also feel weird about inviting myself over to his place. I guess it's different for every relationship. If you're not comfortable stopping by his place whenever, just let him know. I'm sure he will understand. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 He did not mean to just show up at his place, and he never just showed up at mine. He calls first. What he means is we don't need to invite each other, we just ask if we're free and if so we go over. He said he did not offer anything Saturday because he knew I was sick and probably not up to driving there (40km). If I did feel better I should have said so and invite myself over. That's kind of a different scenario. Somewhere between months 2 - 6 I would usually start a conversation with somebody I was dating along the lines of, up until now, unless we had plans I'd assume I was free to go out with friends or whatever on Friday & Saturday night. Now that we've been together a while, I'd like to switch the rules to assuming we're doing something together & if either of us wants to go out without the other with friends, we need to talk to each other 1st before making those seperate plans. More succienctly: in the begining, I assume I don't have a date unless asked. After a while I assume I do have a date unless told otherwise. Around that same mark it becomes OK to reach out & say, hey can I come over?
veggirl Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 No I've never invited myself over. I'd invite HIM over and if he suggested I come over there instead, then sure. I don't understand why you couldn't ask if he wanted you to bring him dinner though, I don't see that as inviting yourself over really. Inviting yourself over is like "hey I'm at the store 2 min from your house, I'm coming over" or just showing up. You should have offered the dinner, it's a sweet gesture. He can say no if he's not up to it, would that be a big deal?
Author Gaeta Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 That is just great!! I was reading a thread on here about a lady finding out her bf had an online profile. I was curious and looked up POF and found out my guy still has his profile online. Not only that but he just changed his picture for a new one he took last weekend and changed his text. That is just great, just ****ing great !
ja123 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Oh dear, Gaeta, I'm so sorry to hear that. What are you going to do?
Author Gaeta Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 As I saw his profile online he happened to be sending me a text hello. I told him I saw he had updated his pof with a new picture and text, usually it's to attract a new crowd. I said I am investing time and feelings in him so I am not ok with this. Believe it or not his first reaction was: Are you back on pof?? How can you see my profile if you don't have a profile yourself? So you are shopping for men on pof from off line?? *shaking my head* He's at work, we will talk about this later.
sagetalk Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 How did that work for you? How long did you proceed with 'invitations'? Until you live together.
sagetalk Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Not only that but he just changed his picture for a new one he took last weekend and changed his text. Never mind my reply above, give this guy the boot. 2
JourneyLady Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 As I saw his profile online he happened to be sending me a text hello. I told him I saw he had updated his pof with a new picture and text, usually it's to attract a new crowd. I said I am investing time and feelings in him so I am not ok with this. Believe it or not his first reaction was: Are you back on pof?? How can you see my profile if you don't have a profile yourself? So you are shopping for men on pof from off line?? *shaking my head* He's at work, we will talk about this later. Yeah, see on some sites you *can* see their profile without being logged in (or even having an account in some cases). But when caught, they always turn it around on you and accuse you of being on there, or say you are "spying". Sorry guys, but if I'm intimately sharing my body with you, I've a right to know if you are turning around and exposing me to diseases by sleeping with and/or trying to attract other people. There's nothing to talk about Gaeta. Dump him. He did this behind your back - you can't trust him. He's not a grown-up and you are the "for now" girl until he finds what he wants. It may have been me you read about. dunno. But I"m dating a so-much-better guy now and glad I dumped the grass-is-greener guy. Good luck - you deserve better.
ASG Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 My ex gave the keys to his house about 3 weeks after we started dating. That was the end of the invitation. I never showed up unannounced though. Although I remember one time, we'd agreed I was coming over after a job interview I had in the morning (this was the night before, and before I had keys), and I headed over after I was done... He was still asleep. And that man sleeps like the dead. His house didn't have a doorbell, so I stood outside his flat, calling his phone for a good 15 minutes until he woke up! I think the keys came very quickly after that. And then I would just get into bed with him, if he happened to still be asleep when I got there (note, though, that we always arranged these meet ups the night before!)
Author Gaeta Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 When we talked about being exclusive he told me he had a pof account but text and title were deleted and he was not logging on. I checked a few times and that was right, he was not logging on, he had not since we met. Why this comes up now I don't know. He also picked a picture he had sent me last weekend while his daughter was visiting and I told him he was wearing my favorite shirt....and he puts that picture on..men! I will listen to what he has to say. I need to, and I need to say what I think of all this. Last guy bailed without a word, I could never express my anger and disappointment and it took me a long time to find closure.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 When we talked about being exclusive he told me he had a pof account but text and title were deleted and he was not logging on. I checked a few times and that was right, he was not logging on, he had not since we met. Why this comes up now I don't know. He also picked a picture he had sent me last weekend while his daughter was visiting and I told him he was wearing my favorite shirt....and he puts that picture on..men! I will listen to what he has to say. I need to, and I need to say what I think of all this. Last guy bailed without a word, I could never express my anger and disappointment and it took me a long time to find closure. He already plain as day broke an agreed rule, if he tries to lie or cover it up at all then he's just going to lie to you and don't expect the truth which is really just him admitting that he did it honestly. Guy sounds like he's looking to play the field or already predicting the impending doom of this relationship, and essentially now you are "stalking" him and checking up on him so he can throw that card that you. Not sure what you want to hear or listen to, it's just really a matter of what you're going to accept at this point, you need to learn to just say how you feel, you might be too forgiving or make it too easy for men to avoid confrontation. Stop chasing unavailable men, either they meet the standard or get out before you drag yourself too deep in where you can even pull yourself away, you know yourself best. Actually just stay, it rarely works when you tell a woman to walk away.
HappyLove Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I think it's ridiculous that he still had an account! The text and title deleted? What kind of BS is that? This guy has a BUNCH of red flags! He's probably looking for some dummy to marry him for his immigration issues. He's definitely still looking WHILE he has a gf! Ugh, why can't men just be honest?
Author Gaeta Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 He already plain as day broke an agreed rule, . Yes he did, I want to hear it from him. ...., and essentially now you are "stalking" him and checking up on him so he can throw that card that you. Nah, that won't work with me. POF is public, his profile is public, he advertizes himself to the world on there. You bet I am checking up what's public, I am looking out for myself. If I don't look out for myself no one else will. If he thinks he can intimidate me with this he better get up early. .Stop chasing unavailable men, either they meet the standard or get out before you drag yourself too deep in where you can even pull yourself away, you know yourself best. When did I chase an unavailable man? He's never lead me to beleive he was not into me. Several communications a day, regular weekly visits, and I have an open invitation to go to his place any day of the week, he wishes he could see me each day - his words. I will listen to what he has to say, one thing I have learn over the years is to never 'assume'. If what he says doesn't satisfy me I will tell him good bye. He's not the first man I had to let go and he's probably not the last.
Babolat Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I'm a fairly formal & stuffy person. The invitations continued until the day DH moved in here. At the very least, there's a heads up phone call. I'm this way too. Ex gf never got it and wanted me to just come over. I could never do it. I need an invite for some reason.
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