Goodbye Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 There is property, pensions, expensive collector items and a business involved. Including season tickets to a sport she doesn't give a crap about. At least he hasn't been mooching off me. His feelings for me are real I don't doubt it. I'm not sure the dynamic of the relationship past or present. He said to me it's just a piece of paper. I said what it says to file and complete is that you are ready to move on to the next chapter of your life and close this one. Well, can he at least be honest with his wife about you then? That to me is the big issue. 2
carhill Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Cool, with all those assets and the leverage of a business, coming up with 4K for a lawyer retainer is walking around money. BTDT, paid the lawyer. It's not a big deal. My bet is he's deathly afraid of getting his clock cleaned in a D. Legitimate fear. A good lawyer can help with that, presuming he sincerely wants a D. Disclaimer: fMM who did get the D. 2
Goodbye Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Yes, when I filed for divorce there were a million "moving pieces,"...minor children, a shared business, nosey in-laws...you name it. Ultimately, I wanted out and I borrowed money, retained a lawyer and filed for divorce. It isn't rocket science. My exMM would make it seem like it was, however.
notserene Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 If he has those kinds of assets he has money to pay a lawyer.
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 As hard as it was..I told him if he moves back home it's confusing to the kids and will probably be the end to us
Sub Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I'd be careful about offering up your input on how it effects his kids. It can be seen as manipulative. And I don't say that to be rude. 3
2sunny Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 The only way this makes sense is when looking at it from the perspective that he doesn't intend to divorce - then it does make sense. 1
carhill Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I'd be careful about offering up your input on how it effects his kids. It can be seen as manipulative. And I don't say that to be rude. IMO, that's sound advice. In fact, I'd strongly suggest remaining decidedly neutral about his children in general and refrain from discussing them at all unless he seeks feedback or asks for advice. Children can be a touchy subject. 1
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 (edited) If anyone wants out of something or wants to change. .only that person has the power to do that. To just find out he sold some low paying stock to cover the rest of the cost of some season tickets. WTF. I don't like to owe People money but if it's something you want bad enough and that person is willing to help you out then go for it. Edited April 28, 2014 by midwestgirl8429 1
whichwayisup Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 As hard as it was..I told him if he moves back home it's confusing to the kids and will probably be the end to us Not probably, make it be the end for real. You cannot and should not compete with his kids and wife if he does move back in. Though I'm not convinced he has 'officially' moved out..
whichwayisup Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I'd be careful about offering up your input on how it effects his kids. It can be seen as manipulative. And I don't say that to be rude. Respectfully said, and I agree with this advice 100%. 1
eye of the storm Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I begged borrowed and stole (figuratively) to get the money for my divorce attorney. Worked 4 jobs. This guy sells stocks to pay for season tickets but not for a divorce he claims he wants. I have a feeling he could sell those tickets for the money also. Which also says that his entertainment is more valuable to him than his divorce. With most people you have to listen to their actions. Because words are cheap. This guys actions are telling you everything you need to know. Listen to them. Look, if you are happy as things are, great. Stay the course. If you are wanting all these changes...by his actions...you are probably going to be disappointed. And I agree with the posters who say stay away from the kids right now. Their stability is more important than your need for him to make a "statement" by introducing them. Good luck, it sounds like you really care for this guy and I know you are hurting. If you and he are ever going to go the distance he will need to make some decisions and then take some actions. He is currently not doing that. For yourself and your peace of mind tell him to find somewhere else to live. Tell him to figure out what he wants in life. and when he gets it figured out and the process complete to look you up. If you have not moved on...then you can decide if you want to try again. If you have moved on....his loss. 2
cozycottagelg Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe his wife is making some major changes and doing everything that she can to keep the marriage together. That is hard to leave. When I told my husband how unhappy I was, he did a complete 180 and has basically turned into a very perfect husband. Unfortunately I was already checked out before I spoke to him..so now I just hang in limbo. It sounds like that's probably what your MM is doing as well. He knows he wants to be elsewhere, but his home life is making it too easy to stay. And then there's you...hanging on and hoping. It really isn't fair to you at all.
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 I spoke with him last night. I told him something needs to change. Its obvious she really doesn't understand or no the level of relationship you and I have and supposedly what you want or where you're living. He said you are probably correct on those. If your heart truly wants to be with me then you know what needs to be done if not then you risk losing me but you'll still have a " happy " family and all of your possessions. 1
2sunny Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 (edited) I spoke with him last night. I told him something needs to change. Its obvious she really doesn't understand or no the level of relationship you and I have and supposedly what you want or where you're living. He said you are probably correct on those. If your heart truly wants to be with me then you know what needs to be done if not then you risk losing me but you'll still have a " happy " family and all of your possessions. So what was the outcome of that conversation? To state the obvious is great - but what was the boundary you expressed that will determine your next action? YOUR next action - not his. Edited April 29, 2014 by 2sunny
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 I said if this not done with in the next few months and if he moves back home.. as hard as it may be things will have to end. Would it be wrong of me to ask him to text or call his wife saying we need to talk
cozycottagelg Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Does his wife suspect he is seeing someone else? How long have they been separated? I am just so baffled that he moved out but she doesn't know where he lives and the kids don't go stay with him... that is typically the first thing established in a separating with children involved. How often does he see her and go there? This whole thing makes me so mad for you. I feel (and I can say this as I'm not in the situation so it's easy to think I could be this angry) like I would be so manipulative right back. The next time I saw him I'd say "So your wife called me..." just to see his reaction... I don't know... he lies to you, right to your face about Easter and you didn't call him out on it... I don't know...I'd start playing his game right back until he either left, or I got the truth and him FOR REAL..no games.
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 He says she suspects and physically separated 2 months. He mostly sees his kids at sporting or school activities. He may stop at home after work or all hang out after an event.. that part I don't know. He has always found work or something to do to avoid chaos at home..avoiding things makes things worse. Nobody likes conflict or confrontation.. but the longer you wait worse it gets
Summer Breeze Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Do I call him out on his lies? I knew what he did Easter without having to look based on how the pics were filed..camera not download No you don't call him out on anything. You tell him what you are going to do and how things are. You tell him you're disappointed with how he's acting and you won't be treated like this anymore. You have his bags packed and let him know he needs to leave and figure out what he wants. You let him know if he wants to be in his M then go be in it. If he wants to leave it then leave it and get a place of his own. I bet his W hasn't a clue you're around and that he's living with you. Don't let him do this to you anymore. Stop being a mug and take your life back. It's going to hurt like He!! but it'll hurt more if he's the one dumping you and going back to his family and leaving you in the dust. Stop feeling like you need to give the decision making power to him. Make your own. Own your life. Live your life. Stop being a guest in it. 6
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 Just to confirm: He is completely moved in with you? Yes. He pays for some bills, now does his own laundry which means taking the dry cleaners lol, and helps a bit around the house. My homes isn't that big so I dont have lots of room for all his things. I don't think he likes the fact that I hold him accountable for his where abouts and my seriousness of how I am feeling
Summer Breeze Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Yes. He pays for some bills, now does his own laundry which means taking the dry cleaners lol, and helps a bit around the house. My homes isn't that big so I dont have lots of room for all his things. I don't think he likes the fact that I hold him accountable for his where abouts and my seriousness of how I am feeling He's really lucky because I don't think an awful lot of women would put up with it to be honest. I hope you protect your heart. I hope I'm wrong. 1
GettingOver Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe his wife is making some major changes and doing everything that she can to keep the marriage together. That is hard to leave. When I told my husband how unhappy I was, he did a complete 180 and has basically turned into a very perfect husband. Unfortunately I was already checked out before I spoke to him..so now I just hang in limbo. It sounds like that's probably what your MM is doing as well. He knows he wants to be elsewhere, but his home life is making it too easy to stay. And then there's you...hanging on and hoping. It really isn't fair to you at all. My MM is going through the same thing... I know it and he told me he is unhappy with being in limbo as well. He has no romantic feeling or attraction there anymore, he even did MC to make sure its dead. It did not help. But the situation at home is not as bad as it used to be and she wants him to stay. I hate this situation, but I know he suffers due to all this mess too. I hope he will sort himself out asap...
Nothisgirl Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 My MM is going through the same thing... I know it and he told me he is unhappy with being in limbo as well. He has no romantic feeling or attraction there anymore, he even did MC to make sure its dead. It did not help. But the situation at home is not as bad as it used to be and she wants him to stay. I hate this situation, but I know he suffers due to all this mess too. I hope he will sort himself out asap... I mean this with no disrespect .. As a fow I have zero room to judge but you are every WHs dream!! Certainly the type Of OW i am certain my exmm wishes I was. Idk if it's just that I am jaded but I honestly think if your mm or ANY mm was so pained staying in his marriage HE WOULD LEAVE. You deserve to be with someone who is willing to give you his all. Not the measly crumbs he throws out that are laced with his excuses and "feel sorry for me" stories. OP, I highly doubt his wife knows. I get the feeling he's playing you two against each other while he very carefully selects who he wants to be with...what's best for HIM.. At least For now, until the next time he needs his ego stroked. Run now, tell him to call you when the divorce is final. Sending a huge amount of support your way. 1
2sunny Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 He should be out on his own! Make him move today! IF/ when his divorce is final - consider dating him then...not a moment sooner. When he moved in - you should have demanded he pay you at least $1,500.00 per month! You've been used! And he doesn't have money to divorce but he also hasn't been paying the right amount to live away from his home. Honey, you've been played! If he intends to live away from home - let him ante up! THEN you'll find out IF he intends to go back home or intends to go to a hotel or get an apartment FOR HIMSELF! Waiting a few months is wasting time - there's no better day than today to MAKE things change/happen! 3
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