Separated..but not making sense

[midwestgirl8429]

I have been seeing my mm for a year now. Him and his w always use to argue and fight..I saw text and heard phone conversations. He moved out 2 months ago but seems to have more contact and less arguing. He won't take her calls in front of me anymore and has text her "good mornings". A few weeks ago he told me he would be spending time with just his kids for awhile on Easter then be headed over by me. He wouldn't answer calls and only answered a few of my text. When he got home late and didn't say much about his day or asked me..I knew how he really spent it. He said he didnt go..i saw a picture of the whole family on his phone that was hidden. She was with him and the kids along with her family. I saw pics..he said they were sent to him. Nice try..if they were sent why were they in the camera folder not the download one. Also his mom was in town. .he was going to dinner with her. I asked can I go so I can meet her, he said not now. Later that night I saw text from his daughter and they went as a family. I think it's great to spend time with the kids, however if they are separated why does she have to be with him and his kids. I have not meet his kids yet..been a year. Maybe with the actual physical separation. .should I give it a little more time to meet the kids (ages 10-20)

[QuakerOats]

I have been seeing my mm for a year now. Him and his w always use to argue and fight..I saw text and heard phone conversations. He moved out 2 months ago but seems to have more contact and less arguing. He won't take her calls in front of me anymore and has text her "good mornings". A few weeks ago he told me he would be spending time with just his kids for awhile on Easter then be headed over by me. He wouldn't answer calls and only answered a few of my text. When he got home late and didn't say much about his day or asked me..I knew how he really spent it. He said he didnt go..i saw a picture of the whole family on his phone that was hidden. She was with him and the kids along with her family. I saw pics..he said they were sent to him. Nice try..if they were sent why were they in the camera folder not the download one. Also his mom was in town. .he was going to dinner with her. I asked can I go so I can meet her, he said not now. Later that night I saw text from his daughter and they went as a family. I think it's great to spend time with the kids, however if they are separated why does she have to be with him and his kids. I have not meet his kids yet..been a year. Maybe with the actual physical separation. .should I give it a little more time to meet the kids (ages 10-20)

 

 

 

There could be a lot of things going on here, but I have a couple questions first. Does she know about you? Do you know he is truly separated (as in you can show up at his place and he doesn't have a coronary?)? Do they plan to divorce?

 

If they separated and things had really been bad at home, the new space between them may have calmed things, and now they can work together more rationally as co-parents. This is good really, and I believe that it is actually really good if they can spend time together with their children. It benefits the kids to see their parents doing well even if they are no longer living together as a married couple. If this is the case, you should really not try to interfere with their co-parent time.

 

Or...He could have separated and now they miss each other. They might have separated as a posturing type of move to force the other to work on things. Perhaps now they are more hopeful about their marriage with the space and time separation has afforded them. This would not be an optimistic scenario for your relationship with him. You should talk to him frankly about this, and if he is trying to mend things with his W, you need to let go and move on from this. Nothing good will come if it on your end.

 

Finally, maybe he isn't really separated and is a world class liar like so many MM in affairs? I don't know your whole story.

 

As far as meeting the kids....don't rush this. That is something he and his (ex?)W need to figure out based on the kid's maturity levels. If he is really separated and they are planning to divorce, you can ask, but don't push. If this is a "trial separation"...no way should he involve a gf who may be temporary in the lives of his kids, it just isn't good for them in my opinion.

[purplesorrow]

I have been seeing my mm for a year now. Him and his w always use to argue and fight..I saw text and heard phone conversations. He moved out 2 months ago but seems to have more contact and less arguing. He won't take her calls in front of me anymore and has text her "good mornings". A few weeks ago he told me he would be spending time with just his kids for awhile on Easter then be headed over by me. He wouldn't answer calls and only answered a few of my text. When he got home late and didn't say much about his day or asked me..I knew how he really spent it. He said he didnt go..i saw a picture of the whole family on his phone that was hidden. She was with him and the kids along with her family. I saw pics..he said they were sent to him. Nice try..if they were sent why were they in the camera folder not the download one. Also his mom was in town. .he was going to dinner with her. I asked can I go so I can meet her, he said not now. Later that night I saw text from his daughter and they went as a family. I think it's great to spend time with the kids, however if they are separated why does she have to be with him and his kids. I have not meet his kids yet..been a year. Maybe with the actual physical separation. .should I give it a little more time to meet the kids (ages 10-20)

A separation could mean a lot of things. It does not always mean divorce. If those are also her kids, you probably won't be meeting them until after a divorce. Does his wife know about you? How long are you willing to put your life on hold? He appears to still be living his.

[midwestgirl8429]

He has been staying with me for the past few months. He says deep down she knows its over and he has someone. .but i don't think he has actually said anything to her. He is also getting involved in a business adventure which she knows about. So I'm wondering why he would do that if he is planning a divorce..she would get half of the business. But the 2x they have done things as a family..he has flat out not told me or lied. Hurt me with a lie instead of the truth. He doesn't want me even standing off to the sidelines or stands at his kids games because he said she may recognize me. I net her one time 14yrs ago for a minute. .give me a break!! told him he moves back that would be sending the kids mixed signals IMO. If he does that may be a deal breaker for me. He says there is nothing left..that they are not trying to work things out..that he is waiting for some money to come in to hire an attorney

Edited April 27, 2014 by midwestgirl8429

[purplesorrow]

He has been staying with me for the past few months. He says deep down she knows its over and he has someone. .but i don't think he has actually said anything to her. He is also getting involved in a business adventure which she knows about. So I'm wondering why he would do that if he is planning a divorce..she would get half of the business. But the 2x they have done things as a family..he has flat out not told me or lied. Hurt me with a lie instead of the truth. He doesn't want me even standing off to the sidelines or stands at his kids games because he said she may recognize me. I net her one time 14yrs ago for a minute. .give me a break!! told him he moves back that would be sending the kids mixed signals IMO. If he does that may be a deal breaker for me. He says there is nothing left..that they are not trying to work things out..that he is waiting for some money to come in to hire an attorney

If he was really leaving, why would he keep you such a secret? He will continue like this as long as you allow him to.

[Baby123]

I would break up with him. He has lied.

 

 

My mm left after a two month A, our relationship was rocky due to an age gap and my career plans but I just had this niggling thing in my mind that the BS was still in the picture.

 

 

The BS took an overdose and MM went on a 'family holiday' to mend things. It didn't work out- but it was the end of me and MM. He deceived me a lot in this time period. I do know he was under immense pressure to please everyone around him.

 

 

When a man seperates he goes through a lot, its like tug of war between old life and new life.

 

 

Him and the BS are now divorcing (assets have been sold, I have lots of proof) and MM is trying to win me back.

 

 

Now I have to decide whether dating a man with so much baggage is worth it. Relationships with separated men are extremely difficul and fragilet- Even writing this makes me realise why I should run away.

 

 

Your situation with the 'good morning' sounds even worse- it sounds like there is still romantic affection... urgh... move on.

[midwestgirl8429]

Is it wrong that I went into his phone and looked at the text and pics? I don't like to snoop and shouldn't have to but I wouldn't have to if he wouldn't lie to me. I may be blonde but i'm not completely clueless..lol. I am sitting down writing things down now as I am on the boards

Edited April 27, 2014 by midwestgirl8429
added more

[Baby123]

Everyone deserves the truth- he would never have told you.

[jellybean89]

He moved out of his marital home and in with you? Not good at all.

 

How often does he see his kids?

 

Why do you feel the need to snoop on him so much? Going through his phone and reading texts and looking at pictures?

 

He is using you until he moves back home. Tell him to find another place to sleep and to find you after he is divorced. Don't you want better than to be a married mans hidden secret?

[midwestgirl8429]

While he was checking messages last night there was one sent at midnight saying call me

[Goodbye]

He has been staying with me for the past few months. He says deep down she knows its over and he has someone. .but i don't think he has actually said anything to her. He is also getting involved in a business adventure which she knows about. So I'm wondering why he would do that if he is planning a divorce..she would get half of the business. But the 2x they have done things as a family..he has flat out not told me or lied. Hurt me with a lie instead of the truth. He doesn't want me even standing off to the sidelines or stands at his kids games because he said she may recognize me. I net her one time 14yrs ago for a minute. .give me a break!! told him he moves back that would be sending the kids mixed signals IMO. If he does that may be a deal breaker for me. He says there is nothing left..that they are not trying to work things out..that he is waiting for some money to come in to hire an attorney

 

 

"He says she knows deep down inside its over/he has someone." Ugh...you need to run from this. The wife has no clue. Where does she think he is staying when he isn't home? Why are you a secret? "Down deep inside"...such crap...he is telling her something entirely different.

[midwestgirl8429]

Either she is clueless or stupid for staying if she does know or suspect. If she divorces she will be sitting pretty..she won't be hurting. He said it's hard..we have been together for 20yrs not married all that time and I have worked hard for everything I have ever earned..which is telling me he is not ready to move on. They did go thru the process for 2yrs about 10yrs ago..the oppsss....baby

[purplesorrow]

Either she is clueless or stupid for staying if she does know or suspect. If she divorces she will be sitting pretty..she won't be hurting. He said it's hard..we have been together for 20yrs not married all that time and I have worked hard for everything I have ever earned..which is telling me he is not ready to move on. They did go thru the process for 2yrs about 10yrs ago..the oppsss....baby

 

Why is she stupid for working on her marriage and trusting her husband? She doesn't have the luxury of knowing he's a lying cheat like you do. Yet you are on the sidelines waiting for your chance to get the same treatment? Boggles the mind.

[midwestgirl8429]

If she does suspect or know why is she staying. Guess I am no smarter the she is. I feel like such a fool for falling in love with someone that has so much baggage and things aren't complete on his end. I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt and believe in second chances. .but I feel I have given too many. I feel so stupid and I don't know how I could allow myself to get into a situation like this.

[purplesorrow]

If she does suspect or know why is she staying. Guess I am no smarter the she is. I feel like such a fool for falling in love with someone that has so much baggage and things aren't complete on his end. I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt and believe in second chances. .but I feel I have given too many. I feel so stupid and I don't know how I could allow myself to get into a situation like this.

 

As long as you are breathing you can make different choices for yourself. Pick yourself up and brush yourself off. You are more than someone's secret. We have all made choices that weren't good for us. Be kinder to you. Give yourself a second chance.

[notserene]

If she does suspect or know why is she staying. Guess I am no smarter the she is. I feel like such a fool for falling in love with someone that has so much baggage and things aren't complete on his end. I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt and believe in second chances. .but I feel I have given too many. I feel so stupid and I don't know how I could allow myself to get into a situation like this.

 

They do have a 20 year marriage and a child. did he tell you the child was unplanned or unwanted? I bet that is also a lie.

 

I think you are both getting played.

[Goodbye]

If she does suspect or know why is she staying. Guess I am no smarter the she is. I feel like such a fool for falling in love with someone that has so much baggage and things aren't complete on his end. I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt and believe in second chances. .but I feel I have given too many. I feel so stupid and I don't know how I could allow myself to get into a situation like this.

 

 

Why is she staying? Doesn't she know she is separated? If he is leaving her, why hasn't he been honest with her? Where does she think he stays? Clearly not with you if he is scared she'll recognize you and she's only met you once years ago. I'm completely jaded by an exMM who was a major liar, but this is what I think your MM is doing: telling his wife that they'll be ok, they'll work it out and that he needs "time" for "his" issues, he is just staying with friends for now while he "works" on things. Once he is done with you, he'll go back to her and live as a married couple for a few years until he once again gets itchy and decides to have another affair and another "separation."

[chelsea2011]

These are all warning signs that he is not done with his marriage yet. They are loud and clear - matter of fact, they couldn't be any clearer. I would listen to your gut and do what you need to do to protect yourself. Don't stay trapped in a situation that plays havoc with your heart and mind. Especially if he has lied to you. Kick him out and tell him not to come back until he is divorced both physically AND emotionally. If you don't you will be put through emotonal h*ll.

 

It will hurt like h*ll, but you will end up in a much stronger place than if you stay and let him get away with playing these games. Take care of yourself and kick him the freak out.

Edited April 27, 2014 by chelsea2011

[midwestgirl8429]

Do I call him out on his lies? I knew what he did Easter without having to look based on how the pics were filed..camera not download

[purplesorrow]

Do I call him out on his lies? I knew what he did Easter without having to look based on how the pics were filed..camera not download

 

Calling a liar out on their lies only gets you more lies.

[chelsea2011]

Do I call him out on his lies? I knew what he did Easter without having to look based on how the pics were filed..camera not download

 

I wouldn't. What's the point? All you will get are more lies. I would just tell him to leave and not come back until he is 100% free and clear. Don't give him a chance to bullsh*t his way out of it.

[gettingstronger]

There are lots of reasons they could have been together for the holidays- they could have done it for the benefit of their child or the threat of an impending divorce woke them up and they decided they want to work it out- who knows-but the larger point is he is not truthful with you and that should be your sticking point-

[C00kie]

While he was checking messages last night there was one sent at midnight saying call me

 

He sent her a message at midnight telling her to call him? Well, surely it could be to talk about something kids related, but those communications, if harmless, shouldn't be kept from you. And I would think of midnight as an inapropriate hour to do so.

 

There are some red flags in your story. Surely, we haven't heard his side of the storie, but whatever his reasons, he has lied to you and that's not acceptable.

[MissBee]

I have been seeing my mm for a year now. Him and his w always use to argue and fight..I saw text and heard phone conversations. He moved out 2 months ago but seems to have more contact and less arguing. He won't take her calls in front of me anymore and has text her "good mornings". A few weeks ago he told me he would be spending time with just his kids for awhile on Easter then be headed over by me. He wouldn't answer calls and only answered a few of my text. When he got home late and didn't say much about his day or asked me..I knew how he really spent it. He said he didnt go..i saw a picture of the whole family on his phone that was hidden. She was with him and the kids along with her family. I saw pics..he said they were sent to him. Nice try..if they were sent why were they in the camera folder not the download one. Also his mom was in town. .he was going to dinner with her. I asked can I go so I can meet her, he said not now. Later that night I saw text from his daughter and they went as a family. I think it's great to spend time with the kids, however if they are separated why does she have to be with him and his kids. I have not meet his kids yet..been a year. Maybe with the actual physical separation. .should I give it a little more time to meet the kids (ages 10-20)

 

 

Meeting the kids seems like it should be the least of your concerns...

 

He is clearly lying and hiding things and you're snooping around to find them out. It's clear you guys are already having trust issues. You should focus on addressing that with him before trying to meet his kids. Meeting his kids isn't the magic cure to this. You need to have a solid foundation as a couple before meeting his children.

 

Does his wife know he is with you? Have they filed for divorce?

 

Unfortunately, separation isn't always permanent and doesn't always mean divorce. Until he is completely divorced and open with you then I would be cautious. It is not unheard of that MM separate and then go back to their wives and especially if his wife doesn't know about you and he lies to you about seeing her, that often doesn't bode well for a bright future but often signals that you are still the secret OW and a warm place to loiter as he tries to figure things out and potentially go back home.

 

Explain your concerns and be wise. Look and listen to see if what he is saying and doing are matching up...if not...then you need to decide if you want to keep pushing forward with someone who isn't honest with you.

[RickFox]

What does your gut tell you, that's the right answer