Sillyhead Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Its been 3 months since my bf left me (for the 3rd time). Together for a year. Our relationship was intense. I felt like he was my family. I was close to his family. Our lives were interconnected. I have had a few long term relationships, all of which were important to me in many ways. But this man made me realise what being in love really was. And I think I did the same for him. We had amazing chemistry, similar interests, and the relationship had a lot of potential. The problem we had was that he just freaked out. He had commitment issues. I think I piled on the pressure. He also had a history of depression and anxiety and was constantly plagued with doubts and questions - not just in our relationship, but in all areas of life. In the end he became quite critical of me and took me for granted. But I didn't for one second think he didn't love me. He broke up with me twice - each time going silent, but coming back emotional and in a panic a week or so later. The last time he "knew". The break had made it clear to him. He loved me, and wanted to me with me. And, despite troubles over the next 2 months he was saying this right up until a week before the break up. He said that thinking about how he felt for me made him feel anxious. He was becoming ill at this point. Having panic attacks, emotional outbursts, feeling worthless. I supported this man. I encouraged him to seek counselling (Which I hear he is doing now). I stood by his side at his Grandmothers death bed. I looked after him. I loved him unconditionally. He knew this. The break up came after a couple of weeks of him treating me pretty poorly - digs here and there, not respecting me, taking me for granted. Just before the break up we spoke about all of this. He agreed that he had treated me poorly. It made him feel even more worthless. He was apologetic. He couldn't understand why he kept treating me this way. He accepted that he was becoming ill. A week before the break up he gave me sentimental gifts (for our anniversary) which seemed to reassure me that he loved me... Then bam. A week later. He was as cold as ice as he told me I am not the woman for him, he doesn't love me, and to get some "self respect" as I cried and felt dumbfounded. Fast forward to now. 3 months later. I have tried to contact him. I haven't begged. I haven't tried to reconcile. But I wanted us to end on good terms. I wanted to keep my nice memories of him. Most importantly, I wanted him to be ok. I know you all talk of NC. And perhaps this is what I should have done, but I love this man. I consider him my family. And I knew he was ill. I wasn't about to disappear of the face of the earth and abandon him despite him abandoning me.... 3 months later I am here. He refuses to acknowledge my requests for closure. (I have asked, nicely, that he confirm to me that this decision is not based on his illness - that this is his final decision, and he will not return). I have later asked that we draw a line and say goodbye amicably (it was left horribly) as we have connections that might result in us meeting in the future (a family member of mine is with a family member of his). I have always been composed, kind, and honest. I have never retaliated with cruelty, I have always maintained that I care for him and hope he is ok. He has blocked my number. Blocked my email. Asked all of friends to not just "unfriend me" on facebook. But to "block" me. I hear from a family member that he is losing the plot. Has become paranoid. He is now painting me black to anyone and everyone - I am "obsessed" - I am not obsessed, I am heartbroken and genuinely cared - I am "psycho", I am "manipulative" - he did "no wrong" - he knows this is simply not true - and to top it off - I have "borderline personality disorder". I am saddened that he has broken my heart in such a cruel way only to now paint me black and slander me simply because I did not turn my feelings off with the drop of a hat. I feel completely betrayed. I only ever wanted closure, happiness for us both, and an amicable ending so that we could both keep the nice memories. Instead I get radio silence and slander. I know that he is likely hurting. And that his actions come from his anxiety. He has never even read my contact as far as I know. So in his eyes, he really probably does believe that I am "crazy". I hate how this has all turned out. I know what I have to do. I sent a final letter to him that said everything I needed to - goodbyes, apologies, explanations, and good lucks. I know that he will probably never open it. I know now there is no going back. We can never be friends. We can never be civil. We will never have the talk. And I will never get my answers. I am just finding this all very hard. I have made the decision now to make no more contact. Now or in the future. I care for him, but he doesn't want my care and I have to accept it. I guess what I am looking for in this post is some support. A kind voice. Some rational to his behaviour. I need some strength. I miss him, but what causes most of my pain is the way he has handled the break up. The thought that whilst despite me being in pain, the main thing I worry about is his welfare, when he doesn't seem to care at all about mine. It hurts. I want the strength to move on. I want to stop thinking about it. I want to get on with my life and take the burden of my care for him off of my shoulders. I am traumatised by this. Help please
FredJones80 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Have you read the no contact guide :- http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide It might answer a lot of the unanswered for you. The truth is, you may never get an answer or closure. Please read the NC guide, it made a lot of sense to me.
elseaacych Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 It's really hard when you have an ex who suffers from a mental disorder. It adds a dynamic of irrationality. You feel horrible because you weren't "good enough", and there are a lot of questions that go unanswered, as to what aspects of the personality are real, and when it is just the illness talking. And actions won't make much sense either, so you just have to make an assumption and move on. The bottom line doesn't ever change though. He left you. Multiple times. 3 times should be enough. This statement may not make sense now, but, it doesn't matter how good the relationship was, because once you get enough distance, you will realize that it was actually a good thing for you because now you have an opportunity to be with someone who actually wants to be with you, and won't leave you. That is your closure. It's going to be tough the next few months, but follow the NC Guide, and take the extra step to tell your friends and family not to tell you anything about him. Put all your love for him into love for yourself. Resolve move on to build yourself back up into the person you want to be. It's all going to be okay. Sending you a big hug. <3
Always Pondering Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 3 months later I am here. He refuses to acknowledge my requests for closure. (I have asked, nicely, that he confirm to me that this decision is not based on his illness - that this is his final decision, and he will not return). I have later asked that we draw a line and say goodbye amicably (it was left horribly) as we have connections that might result in us meeting in the future (a family member of mine is with a family member of his). You aren't going to get closure from him sadly. Any response an ex gives you may give you a slight bump but true forgiveness and closure comes from within. As the others have said, go NC and stick with it. This will not only prevent the situation from becoming worse, but you will be able to finally start healing and moving on. Discard everything about him away from your life. Put pictures away, remove numbers, everything. It is true of what elsea said about making sure your friends and family do not tell you anything about him. My friends did this to me during my process and it just set me back (I told them at that point not to tell me things). Remember that everything will be okay in time, and LS is here for you!
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