Pet001 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I have never posted anything on a forum before but this new man is bugging me just a little and I seem to be finding him difficult to read. I met this guy about 5 weeks ago on a night out with friends. We are both in our early 30's. We have since been on 5 dates, he pays for everything he initiates meeting up and when I'm with him he seems really interested in me. We have a lot in common and there's a lot of chemistry...we also have such a good laugh and it's always fun and flirty and comfortable when we are together... It feels good when I'm with him...and I thought it was all going well. .until....when I was with him on the last date, I noticed he was texting a non-saved number. The way he was being sneaky about these few texts just made me suspicious straight away..and you know that gut feeling...I got that instantly! It could have been something else but my gut tells me it was another girl. And then my friend is on a dating site and we were having a laugh at a few of the male profiles on her site and guess who I saw on this dating site and he was recently active I.e. The day after my last date with him! Obviously I'm a little annoyed as I was under the impression he genuinely liked me. He has continued to be in touch since the last date..I know it's only been a few dates but I don't want to be an absolute psycho by confronting him because we are not exclusive.....it's kind of put me off him as I feel that he is still shopping around...am I wasting my time here? Or should I get myself back out there and shop around too?
GemmaUK Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 To be really honest if I were a guy I would be pretty miffed that by date #5 she hadn't taken me out and reciprocated the generosity I had shown her. It would make me think twice about continuing to date her and I think I would be looking elsewhere. 2
Author Pet001 Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 To be really honest if I were a guy I would be pretty miffed that by date #5 she hadn't taken me out and reciprocated the generosity I had shown her. It would make me think twice about continuing to date her and I think I would be looking elsewhere.[/ Thanks for your reply but this isn't a one way thing....I initiate lots of contact, I've had him over for dinner...anytime we have gone out he will insist on paying and I have paid for things also....I'm not that type of person. I obviously didn't detail this correctly on my post.
TigerLilly78 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 To be really honest if I were a guy I would be pretty miffed that by date #5 she hadn't taken me out and reciprocated the generosity I had shown her. It would make me think twice about continuing to date her and I think I would be looking elsewhere. Agreed but then again why should a female ever have to pay for anything? right? not aiming that at you OP but I just had to agree with this post. Now to be more on topic unless you two have had some kind of talk about exclusivity then ya kind of got no right to be mad at him. Maybe a bit miffed that he was texting her during your date that's really tacky IF HE even was? it would be a big turn off for me.. Why don't you just try being honest with him and talk to him about how your feeling? how are you feeling? must be something if the idea of him talking to and being active on a dating site upset you to the point of posting here. My advice is always to communicate what's going on openly and honestly dating shouldn't be a guessing game on ether end..
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 You need to have the talk or find someone else. You aren't exclusive so him sneaky texting whoever is to simply save you from flipping out and he's allowed on a dating site he's not your boyfriend. Sucks to hear and most women hope that while we make ourselves available for a man we like and concentrate on them, men don't always to this and still continue to dip their net in. In regards to paying - you should start pulling your weight. He may eventually think you are taking advantage of his generosity which many many women do. It's sad 1
Author Pet001 Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 You need to have the talk or find someone else. You aren't exclusive so him sneaky texting whoever is to simply save you from flipping out and he's allowed on a dating site he's not your boyfriend. Sucks to hear and most women hope that while we make ourselves available for a man we like and concentrate on them, men don't always to this and still continue to dip their net in. In regards to paying - you should start pulling your weight. He may eventually think you are taking advantage of his generosity which many many women do. It's sad Please be advised that I HAVE PAID for things during our dates!!!! This has been mis interpreted! He insists in paying for everything but I also pay for things too. 1
regine_phalange Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 If, at some point, you don't discuss the "us" matter, things may get more perplexed and confusing. But a man who can't concentrate his interest and attention on only the woman he is dating, is a big turnoff for me. I think a good idea is have your limits and boundaries in mind, at all times. Would you do what he is doing (still going on dating sites and probably texting women)? If the answer is no.. Then, probably you aren't a good match.
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Please be advised that I HAVE PAID for things during our dates!!!! This has been mis interpreted! He insists in paying for everything but I also pay for things too. I realised that shortly after - although it is typical womanly behaviour so it's usually assumed.
WeirdChick Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 (edited) You guys have gone out five times, and he was texting while on date with you. Also he is active on dating websites. I think it's pretty obvious, he is not that into you. Sorry I know it hurts, but forget him and move on. I dont think you two need to have "the talk". When a man wants a woman, he makes it pretty obvious to her. Edited April 27, 2014 by WeirdChick 2
guest572 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I would be most concerned about why he is texting whilst you are on a date? Strange. I wouldn't write him off yet but this is generally how it goes initially especially from dating websites. Until you become exclusive it can be hard to read. 2
mammasita Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Just straight up tell him your friend saw his dating profile. See what he says and go from there. It's not a crime at this point since you're not exclusive. On another note, him texting on your fifth date is extremely rude. I'd say your spidey sense is right on that one and unfortunately I'm with another poster in that hes not all that into you. The only way to solve this though is to speak up.
WeirdChick Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 ... The only way to solve this though is to speak up. What would she achieve by speaking up? What is there to talk about? He would probably make up some excuse, if she confronts him. Isn't the dignified thing to just forget him and move on?
Lansing Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Are you physical together? If not maybe he is unsure if you are interested and he is keeping his options open. I have had situations where I haven't want to like a girl too much so I try not to focus on her and keep my options open otherwise I screw things up by being "too nice"
ChatroomHero Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 He's probably upset that he saw you active on the same dating site while he was checking women's profiles... just for laughs. See how that works?
WeirdChick Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Because thats what a majority of our society does 24/7. They dont see it as rude because most idiots cant go 30 secs without playing with their phone. LOL....dignified??? Yea...thats dignified by throwing communication out the window and just disappearing. UNBELIEVABLE how many women think that way. They have no problems assuming, second-guessing, and talking behind someones back.....but actually talking to someone face to face to hash things out....nope, thats not the "dignified" way. Maybe we have a differen notion of dignity:p I was thinking, if she confronts him, he might become uneasy, and might also lie to save his face and to spare her feelings, if he is not just into her. Im all for communication and talking about things, but these things need energy and time. Therefore I would only make such effort in a solid longterm relationship. Just five dates are a bit too little to dive into the whole communication stuff. This beginning stage should be actually fun and easy. 2
FitChick Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Have you or he been escalating physical touching and affection? If not, he might think you have friend zoned him.
Versacehottie Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 it's kind of put me off him as I feel that he is still shopping around...am I wasting my time here? Or should I get myself back out there and shop around too? I think it's fair enough to feel that he is still shopping around. I have to be honest: a lot of the advice you will get here and from girl friends is to dump him and move on. My opinion is that's a little short-sighted. If you ask guys for advice, the reality is that a lot of them don't jump all in 5 dates into it. Men are culturally programmed to believe that they should play the field and not get tied down. And 5 dates in, often just consider it casual dating and thus inherently are dating others or trying to pursue that option. To answer your question (i don't know why people went off-topic with the $$$$ thing), you MAY or MAY NOT be wasting your time here. Too early to say. You will most definitely be wasting your time if you invest your all into this guy when he obviously is not on that page yet. You may miss out on a good guy if you follow advice that is so black&white as to say dump him. If you were feeling so bad to the extent that it would be detrimental to continue dating him, then I would advise that, but I don't get that from the tone of your post. The only complete red flag that i see is that he would have the gall to text another girl in midst of his date with you. That is rude & inconsiderate. I guess we can't be sure that's who he really was texting without asking BUT your gut instinct may be right. Missed opportunity to call him out on it in the moment. If it happens again, call him out on it. Don't show jealousy that it's another girl, just go with the part that if he's on a date with you, he owes it to you to be fully engaged with activity and person in front of him. In meantime, YES you should most definitely do exactly as he is doing and shop around as well until he is ready to pin you down. But don't text others during your dates with each other. That's just rude. Good luck! 1
WP4046 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 To be really honest if I were a guy I would be pretty miffed that by date #5 she hadn't taken me out and reciprocated the generosity I had shown her. It would make me think twice about continuing to date her and I think I would be looking elsewhere. Yup when it's a connection I was always treated by the woman on date number 3
Haydn Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I really do not get online dating at all. I read so many threads on it and it seems their are so many rules? Couldn`t you just go out with your mates and link up with a guy that way? I RECENTLY wrote to someone online as a mate and suddenly there was so much information to process. We were to be married much to my ignorance. Stick to pubs and clubs and strangely libraries are a great place to meet like minded souls. There is nothing like a quick knee knocker next to the autobiographies. But in all honesty he never said he was yours?
saltyfishhead666 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I have never in my life been treated by a woman or even offered for her to pay the bill. Once again… Just like with so many other subjects on this site, there will be almost no women that voice their opinion about this. Why? Because it's another one of those things that women clam up about. Because many of them agree that it's just the guys job to pay. In larger metro areas, I am sure it's more prevalent. Because my experience, women from metro areas usually are totally different then women from suburbs. I dated both and it just seems that smaller town suburban women live by those old fashion dating rules that their mother taught them. I don't think the thought even exist in their head of even offering to pick up the bill, plan a date, or take their man out somewhere. It's not just a guys job to pay, I go halves. I won't go halves on say dinner that's weird. However he gets dinner, I'll grab the cinema tickets and popcorn ect. I think that's perfectly acceptable. If you only date women who expect you to pay all the time and never even offer... You need to be dating someone whose head is in the 21st century lol
Lyn77 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I had a similar experience with OLD. I was convinced it was a "great" way to meet a "great" guy with similar interests, blah blah blah. I quickly realized 99% of the men on there are using OLD as a "little black book" I say 99% because I do have a guy friend using it for a LTR. I've used different sites and all are pretty much the same. Most never know when to take down their profile because they are on the prowl for something better, always. But hey, nothing wrong with dating around, it's your expectations that get you into trouble. When you start having feelings for the guy that is obviously not reciprocating. But everyone has a choice, they don't have to choose you. You should be confident enough to value and appreciate what you have to offer, and if he respects you and likes you enough, he will take down his profile and be exclusive.
travelbug1996 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 He's probably still looking and so should you. Stop putting all your eggs in one basket. Please don't have sex with him until he asks you to be his one and only because you will save yourself a lot of pain. 1
TigerLilly78 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Maybe we have a differen notion of dignity:p I was thinking, if she confronts him, he might become uneasy, and might also lie to save his face and to spare her feelings, if he is not just into her. Im all for communication and talking about things, but these things need energy and time. Therefore I would only make such effort in a solid longterm relationship. Just five dates are a bit too little to dive into the whole communication stuff. This beginning stage should be actually fun and easy. How can things be "fun" if there is no decent level of communication? maybe im the only one lost on this I don't know. Gosh I must be really weird I just love to be honest and upfront from day one.. *shrugs*
waiting4u Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 A lot of people are bringing their own issues to the table here. I don't think who pays for dates is particularly relevant in this situation. OP has said she has cooked dinner for him and reciprocated in other ways. 5 dates is a lot. Are you sleeping with him? If so, you definitely ought to just ask him (without being aggressive about it) "hey, are you dating other people?" and then have the exclusivity talk. I'd want to know if he was sleeping with or planning to sleep with other girls as well. If you're not sleeping with him, I would consider dating other people. He's obviously playing the dating game if he's active on OLD. You should do the same. That way you would feel like you have other options, feel less needy and possibly less hurt when this doesn't work out. If he really is texting another woman while on a date with you, you don't want to see him anyway. That's pretty low.
hasaquestion Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 OP, you've been on 5 dates. Has there been ANY escalation at all? As a guy, if I went five dates without so much as kiss happening, I'd assume its dead in the water. I could be off-base about my understanding of how things are. But nothing about your relationship as you've described it carries an expectation of exclusive behavior. Has there been any physical escalation?
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